Grief removes all guard rails

[Margm]

You know what Dee?  I was trying to help you in some small way and you wind up helping me.  Thank you so much for that. You are a very insightful person.  I think we are gonna make it, for as long as we can.  

[Gwenivere]

I had a dream about Steve this week.  He was in full health and wearing his usual apparel of boots an leather jacket like the guy in my picture.  As with all things in a dream, we were doing something that was usual but something we needed was moved.  He went to get it and had to step in what looked like a puddle.  As soon as he did it swallowed him.  I couldn’t move or shout.   I knew he drowned.  I woke up screaming his name.  I watched him die a 2nd time and could do nothing, just like the first.  Unfortunately this dream won’t go away like most, but being intense I’m not surprised.  I’ve been crying since as it stirred up so many things.  I’ve been under so much stress lately and really missing and needing him.  Wanting him.  I can just see the look an anyone’s face I told about this in the real world.  That look of you still are dwelling on that?  You’re not used to his absence?  This is gonna take time to adjust again to quiet desperation.  

[widow'15]

12 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 As soon as he did it swallowed him.  I couldn’t move or shout.   I knew he drowned.  I woke up screaming his name.  I watched him die a 2nd time and could nothing, just like the first.  Unfortunately this dream won’t go away like most, but being intense I’m not surprised.  I’ve been crying since as it stirred up so many things.  I’ve been under so much stress lately and really missing and needing him.  Wanting him.  

I can just see the look an anyone’s face I told about this in the real world.  That look of you still are dwelling on that?  You’re not used to his absence?  This is gonna take time to adjust again to quiet desperation.  

Oh Gwen: My heart breaks for you as I read this.  Dreams can seem so real.

If you should have to watch anyone's face in the real world as you share, please ignore what you think someone is thinking.  You have the right to feel this loss.  Please know I care how you feel. 

I have been trying to remember a dream I had last week, and I can't remember it.  I can only remember the other person who was in it besides me.  My memory will soon forget about it and it will leave me.  Hope this dream leaves you quickly.  Dee

 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Dee.  I would only post this here and tell my counselors.  Only people I can trust.  Hugs to you and a good nights sleep.  🌸

[brat#2]

I'm so sorry you had this awful dream, I can't imagine how you are feeling.  Like Dee said I hope the memory of it leaves you soon, but I guess as long as we are talking about and keep commenting on it, it won't.  Sending hugs and sending you NO dreams!

[kayc]

I, too, am sorry you experienced that dream and that it conjured it all back up...people only don't get it because they haven't experienced it themselves.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t. Know if any of you read Garfield, but I ran into a good one.   Jon says 'Sometimes dreams do come true'.  Garfield thinks 'you dream about stumbling aimlessly through a meaningless existence?'  Could have wrote that myself.  Anyone here at various times.

[Gwenivere]

I have a hard time with music as songs have lyrics that I’ve heard forever have different meanings now.  I only use the radio for an alarm as I hate beeping.  My fav station has this unique ability to play songs that trigger either deep memories or say something different now.  Today was Jack and Diane by John Melloncamp.

Life goes on long after thrill of living is gone.  

Didnt have to turn over to know Steve was gone, always.  Very disheartening way to start the day.  I don’t know how many times I’ve woken to songs that were parts of our lives. Especially our song....Hot Blooded.  

I miss you Steve, more than words can say.

[kayc]

Every time I hear the name John Mellencamp, I think of George, he loved him...he used to go by Johhny Cougar.  He shares my birthday, one year older than me.

[Gwenivere]

Another down day.  It’s become very challenging to keep going with quitting smoking.  It really affects your brain, even with the patches and such. I’ve  become so emotional.  Widow probably heard as she is in WA, but a crane crashed while being dismantled in downtown Seattle.  4 people were killed and 3 injured.  Only good of it was it was a Saturday as it crushed offices and more people would have been on the street.  I’m always shocked and saddened when these things happen.  Watching the news I wanted to cry.  Not a little wimpy kind, really cry.  I then finished the remake of A Star Is Born and lost it when Bradley Cooper died.  I knew it was coming, but it tore me up.

I realized today I am now older than Steve was when he left.  He was always 4 years ahead of me.  Did not anticipate that.  How can I be older than the guy I was with for 40 years?  I am wondering how he would react to what has happened to that invincible woman he knew that now can barely walk, drags around oxygen tubing and needs a housekeeper now.  How I am letting my golden locks go back to brown  as I have no reason to be that blonde he liked my hair as.  I know he’d love me the same, but the being alone for so long is not getting easier as I age alone and become bitter at lot.  I think of the line from Queens song.....

 I don’t want to die, but sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.

who really wants to die, even when they feel suicidal?  Isn’t it just really escape from physical or mental pain?  I have options on the physical but I’d have to face them alone to come back to this existence alone.  Pain can be very motivating, but it can be discouraging too.   I never thought I would have to plan for showers because of it, something I used to relish.  Now it’s all about being careful, make sure I have the alert button, Hope my oxygen doesn’t drop too much.  The girly stuff is mostly gone.  

most talk about finally flinging some solace in the memories.  It’s not happening for me.  No matter what the issue is, when I dig to the core. It’s always the same.  I want him back.  I know from the grief for dummies book that’s a no go, but I can’t stop it.  Accepting it was hard enough.  I just keep wondering why I can’t get over that curb.  Maybe I am fooling myself about acceptance.  I know he’s gone but I’m resisting the reality to my detriment.  

I somehow misplaced or lost a ring he gave me.  That is very hard as I only wear and have things he gave me.  One of my pinky’s feels very naked.

Laundrys done.  Time to do something normal, but where are his clothes?  

[kayc]

Gwen,

I thought about you when I heard that on the news, just as I think about Kevin when I hear about a storm in Canada.  How horrible that that happened and people died because of it!  I'm glad that it didn't involve even more people, but we here know that for the four who died, it was life changing to those who love them.  And to those injured, as I well know, sometimes injuries can be life altering, it was for my quadriplegic sister and for all of us in her family.

Yes, suicide does seem to be an escape from inner pain.  I don't think it's so much they don't want to live as they don't want the pain they'd go through if they did, but what do I know.  If they saw a way out I'm sure they'd have taken it.  I hope you find your ring!

[KarenK]

Gwen,

Pinky rings are the hardest for me to keep up with. They seem to be just a tiny bit too big and are always slipping off my fingers inside my purse or in the grocery bags when I'm unloading the groceries. I keep some of the bags to use in my small trash cans in various rooms. I lost a favorite in January and went through the bags which I hang in a closet, but it seemed to really be gone. Strangest thing happened..........in March, I took the last bag(of a handful) from the closet and laid it on the footstool of my favorite chair to use in the nearby trash can. I noticed something on the floor and lo' and behold, it was that ring. I know it hadn't been laying there for 3 months, so either my "ghost" that lives here placed it there or it fell out of that bag I had checked previously. So, if you're crazy like me and save grocery bags, check them. Sure hope you find your ring. I'm sure it's very special.

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

Gwen,

Pinky rings are the hardest for me to keep up with. They seem to be just a tiny bit too big and are always slipping off my fingers inside my purse or in the grocery bags when I'm unloading the groceries. I keep some of the bags to use in my small trash cans in various rooms. I lost a favorite in January and went through the bags which I hang in a closet, but it seemed to really be gone. Strangest thing happened..........in March, I took the last bag(of a handful) from the closet and laid it on the footstool of my favorite chair to use in the nearby trash can. I noticed something on the floor and lo' and behold, it was that ring. I know it hadn't been laying there for 3 months, so either my "ghost" that lives here placed it there or it fell out of that bag I had checked previously. So, if you're crazy like me and save grocery bags, check them. Sure hope you find your ring. I'm sure it's very special.

KarenK:  Your finding your ring reminds me of me losing one of my favorite earrings.  It was not an expensive earring, but just a pair that I always wore and just a favorite.  It was upsetting to loose it.  Shortly after I was missing it, I was outside doing my usual picking up leaves, fir cones, etc., that continually fall from the ever loving fir trees that grow here in the Northwest.  As I bent down to pick up a small pile of cones, sitting on top of one of the cones was my earring.  I know I had walked all over that area raking and picking up, but was convinced my husband had somehow placed where I would find it - sitting on a fir cone.  Silly, but made me smile.  Dee

[widow'15]

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Another down day.  It’s become very challenging to keep going with quitting smoking.  It really affects your brain, even with the patches and such. I’ve  become so emotional.  Widow probably heard as she is in WA, but a crane crashed while being dismantled in downtown Seattle.  4 people were killed and 3 injured.  Only good of it was it was a Saturday as it crushed offices and more people would have been on the street.  I’m always shocked and saddened when these things happen.  Watching the news I wanted to cry.  Not a little wimpy kind, really cry.

I somehow misplaced or lost a ring he gave me.  That is very hard as I only wear and have things he gave me.  One of my pinky’s feels very naked.

 

Gwen:  So sorry you lost your pinky ring.  Hopefully, it will show up. 

Yes, the crane falling was so awful.  I haven't been in downtown Seattle for years.  But, even the last time I was there, prior 2015, there was always massive construction going on.  It was a blessing it wasn't during the work week or the devastation would have been more tragic.   Seems whenever these things happen now it rips open the surface of the pain we live with now a days,  opening up those flood gates of tears.  Take care.  Dee

 

[Kieron]

Gwen, I have 2 things I do when something is missing.   They're maybe a bit silly but I feel like they work because it focuses my attention on finding the object.  The first is an old rhyme that I don't know the origins of, but I believe it's English, or perhaps Irish, or else American.  it's said aloud to St Anthony, the patron saint of lost objects.  "Tony, Tony, please come 'round/Something's lost and must be found."  😄 

The other one is, "I request a most benevolent outcome for _________________"  Insert your request here.  Then say, "And may the outcome be better than I could hope for or expect.  Thank you!"   See what happens.  Be sure to say "thank you."  😄

[Gwenivere]

Thanks Kieron!  I forgot about St. Anthony and I was raised Catholic!  I’ll try the other too.  It’s amazing how such a tiny tangible thing can create such a huge void.  I guess it’s really not amazing, it’s how we are connected to that love.

I can only think of one last place to check when Steve’s music buddy is over and that is behind my desk.  I put my rings there and it could have slid back and dropped, but not likely.  I tried looking with my head plastered to the wall and found 2 old post it’s that fell off the wall and a mountain of dog fur.  

[kayc]

I got a call at my office one day from someone working at an orthotic/prosthetic place I'd worked...it was a few years later and they'd had a typewriter worked on (an old manual) and found a charm from my bracelet.  It'd been gone for years!

Also, after I had my kids and was no longer working for the medical clinic, I got a call one day from the receptionist...they'd found a mother of pearl bird in the gravel parking lot, she remembered I'd lost one from my ring...this was years later!  And yep, I still had the setting/ring.  

Another time I'd lost something off my bracelet, George found it in the gravel of our carport...it had been missing for years.  

So never give up hope of finding something lost to you, it can show up in unlikely places even years later, although I hope it doesn't take that long for you!

[Gwenivere]

Messed up, trying again below.

[Gwenivere]

I can’t shake this crushing depression.  Thr medical stuff is so stressing me out I feel like I am losing my mind.  I had to miss volunteering today to go to the urgent clinic.  Yesterday I went to a cemetery ad sat and sobbed.  It’s  a place no one looks twice at you for doing so. I’m so aware of how alone I am all the time.  I feel I don’t matter anymore.  That is actually true.  Only my dogs rally for food times.  I so wanted to come home to Steve.  Can’t be done.  I do those 'be kind to yourself' and bought a best burger in Seattle for tonight.  Notch up another meal alone.  Rhetorical, but how does one find contentment when you face aging alone and don’t care about fixing things?  For what reason?  Tho I think of things I could do that would make me feel better about myself.  But getting there takes caring.  Again the catch 22.  Just babbling on the hardest night of my week.  I can’t beleive I an older than he was now.  He didn’t make this far.  I hate I did.  💔

 

[widow'15]

46 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I can’t shake this crushing depression.  I know it is tied to the no smoking and hypothyroidism.  But the medical stuff is so stressing me out I feel like I am losing my mind.  I had to miss volunteering today to go to the urgent clinic for uncontrolled anxiety.

My doc upped a med yesterday that made my panic unmanageable and that is the worst feeling ever.  I had a painless migraine coming home.  It blurs your vision as it spreads from blocking your central vision and creates a circle that dissipates.  I’m so aware of how alone I am all the time. 

I sit all night unable to muster interest in anything.

I do those 'be kind to yourself' and bought a best burger in Seattle for tonight.  Notch up another meal alone.  Rhetorical, but how does one find contentment when you face aging alone and don’t care about fixing things?  For what reason?  Tho I think of things I could do that would make me feel better about myself.  But getting there takes caring.  Again the catch 22.  💔

Gwen:  So sorry you're having another bad day.  I, too, hate weekends so much.  Hoping your doctor has your medication figured out.  At least you treated yourself with a Best Burger.  Some days I stop at a local sandwich shop and order a Turkey Gobbler on whole wheat smothered with cream cheese and cranberry sauce with a small side salad to treat myself and tell myself I deserve it.  Bring it home and sit in a quiet house with the company of my sweet Maddie.

I thought about your question, on how does one find contentment when you face being alone and don't care about things.  Had a long phone conversation with a high school friend today  - we've known each other for 60+ years - and all she could talk about was how she enjoys going to hairdresser, makeup, etc., etc.  All I could think about is how I don't like to do all those things and don't have the energy to try.  Funny how life can change us in so many ways.  Take care.  Dee

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

how does one find contentment when you face aging alone

That's a quandary I find myself in and it's scary.  I never hear from my daughter and seldom my son anymore.  I asked him over two weeks ago when I can come visit and still have not heard back, yet in the winter time he pressures me to come when the roads and short days make it difficult.

Having no one to help me when I need it is frightening.  No one to drive me to/from the doctor or to be here when I've had surgery...we're getting older and I fear what is to come.  I don't like asking for help.  It seems there is help for low income but for the rest, nothing.

Gwen, I feel for you, I wish I had answers.  I'm glad you bought that burger, we need to be kind to ourselves, esp. if no one else is!

[KarenK]

Six years ago today, we brought Ron home from the hospital in an ambulance attached to a portable ventilator. I will never forget when the Hospice nurse removed the ventilator, how he sat up and said "I'M ALIVE" and immediately fell back into semi-consciousness. I held his hand as he took one less breath each hour for 19 hours and then he was gone. I think I was stunned. This could not be, but it was. It was the start of what has been the worst years of my life. The days are somewhat easier now, yet still filled with the unending sadness and loneliness that have become my constant companions. Life goes on..............

[Gin]

Karen,

lit sure has been the saddest and loneliest time of my life, also.  I try to get involved in different activities,  but it does not change being without Al.  Family and friends are done mourning...I am not. 

[Margm]

Gin, this is your grief.  If anyone gives you advice tell them to try ambulating on one leg without support.  We have lost part of us, some of us have lost the best of us.  I know I did.

[Gwenivere]

Perfect Marg, absolutely perfect.  💔