My Sanity Needed Vents

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Dee, I just think you're one strong cookie!  And I understand vision problems, my eyes are complicated...STILL waiting on my glasses that I ordered June 18, the lab keeps screwing them up.  I was NOT happy the third time!

Thank you for that compliment, kayc.  I am not as strong as you, and others are as you fight the grief war alone.  Your "sharings" have helped me keep going, be it the wrong direction or not.  I do hope your eye glasses are received correctly soon.   Loved reading about the gift you received in the mail.  😆  Hugs, Dee.

[kayc]

Yeah, I hoped that would bring someone a smile!  But more than the practicality I cherish his thoughtfulness, that was an encouragement I needed.  People have no idea how alone this life is.  Esp. when their lives are full...that doesn't mean perfect, but very full.  I remember those busy days of working and raising kids.  We had very little time to think back then.

Thanks, I hope the glasses are right next time too, I don't know what I'll do if they aren't, I'm exhausted from the fight.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

People have no idea how alone this life is.  Esp. when their lives are full...that doesn't mean perfect, but very full. 

How true that is.  I got more reminders yesterday seeing a few people.  I’m barely getting around, big challenge right off the bat about getting a blood test I have no idea how I will.  Meanwhile the people I talked with are adding new exercise things like taking up bike riding again and in general doing more as it’s summer.  My nemesis is pain, but even without that I don’t really have anyone to connect with.  The women I met at the CC interests are much different than mine.  Maybe walks would be nice.  You’re right, everyone I talk to has so much going on with people in their own lives.  And the older people get the more they spend even more time with their close companions.  
 

I know that was the direction Steve and I would have moved to.  Just grateful we had each other as we got limited.  No life is perfect, but it sure can be enjoyed with another we love and loves us back.  Take out heat element and things fall apart.

[kayc]

I'd planned to take Kodie to the park (two blocks from my sister's) today and bring her my homemade soup, but it's pouring rain.  So not as thrilled about the park idea, but need to walk him regardless, so I guess it doesn't matter where.  We need the rain badly so I hope it continues, but it also means he'll be filthy after his play date.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I know that was the direction Steve and I would have moved to.  Just grateful we had each other as we got limited.

I know, we would be too.

[Gwenivere]

I’m glad you have rain amid all the fires going.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  The droughts, winds, high temps.  This is truly not normal for all the states involved. And other areas having dangerous flooding.  This is nuts!  We face another heat wave this weekend.  I know that will wipe me out.

Im always torn on rain.  I hate getting wet and a wet dog is awful.  Mel loves it.  Gets so invigorated.  I can’t dry her off like I used to.  
 

All this stuff just makes me miss Steve more and more.  Like a lamp problem I posted in another thread.  I don’t like doing all the jobs around here.  Trouble shooting and all that.  I’m capable but hate it, tho that capability is now so limited.  Might be for him too as he’d be older.  I just don’t know how to be accepting day after day with new crap.  Yesterday was a fiasco about blood tests.  I know tomorrow will bring something, it never fails.  It’s not healthy to look at life this way, but I’ve gotten conditioned.  Even on days without a big outside influence, I have to deal with not being able to do things I may want because of massive pain and the fallout.  All I know is each day brings more frustration and the feeling of mere existence.  It’s not a pleasant way to be here.

[kayc]

There were lightening strikes with the thunder and rain, and fires started, our worst fear.  I hope and pray they get them out!  I know someone whose house in very near to the one near CT Beach/Hills Creek.

I don't watch the news on the fires, it's too unnerving, it makes it all too real.  If it comes to evacuation, then I have to deal with it, although I don't know what I'd do about my sister, no room for everything she needs!  God life sucks sometimes.

Went to Peggy's yesterday, did some work there, brought her homemade soup and let Kodie visit with her while I worked, she loves him.  I got her a new appt for the eye doctor for next Wednesday, moved up from end of October, maybe they felt guilty about my glasses being flubbed up three times?  Still waiting for them...1 1/2 months.

Gwen, I'm sure it's getting old.  It's increasingly difficult to maintain a good frame of mind, I keep trying, what's the alternative?  (Rhetorical, not a question).

 

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, I'm sure it's getting old.  It's increasingly difficult to maintain a good frame of mind, I keep trying, what's the alternative?  (Rhetorical, not a question).

It may be rhetorical, but I see you still doing things and envy you.  Like your cabinet hole fix.  I’m just beat down to no motivation.  I went shopping yesterday and bought things I didn’t really need.  Looks like I am a hoarder of several things.  I want to need them like when this was a full household.  It would be weird going in and not buying anything, but it’s one off the shrinking thing I can do.  I see that ending soon.  
 

This is going to be a challenging few days with the high heat.  Have to turn the living room into a haven which means cutting it off from the rest of the house.  It’s claustrophobic.  Also a different housekeeper coming Friday not used to my place.  Figures when I really need my usual gal who is on vacation.  She’s used to dealing with the flukes.  Going out for my daily escapes will be tough.  Hygiene will be too.  This affects my lung condition so I feel I am suffocating.  Can’t moved around easily either with the frigging pain.  Supposed to get a blood draw tomorrow.  That ought to be interesting.  
 

I try to avoid the news.  But it’s everywhere.  I’m not good at watching numbing TV and those are the options around 5-7.

[kayc]

We're not only getting heat but Thunder/lightening through Sunday...we already have fires nearby.  If I have to evacuate, how am I going to take myself, Kodie, my sister, her walker taking up the whole trunk (plus her bedrails that I can't break down, our Rxs, in my Civic along with a few clothes, dogfood, water, etc.  Sigh...added pressure my BP doesn't need...

[Gwenivere]

I’ve been hearing about the thunderstorms.  Their worried about them here and prolly are already on alert to be ready to move.  So much stress and pressure.  I couldn’t do it in my condition.  
 

where are you supposed to go, a shelter?  What a pain.  And the worry.  

[Gwenivere]

Just babbling and boring.
 

Don’t think these posts are helping my sanity much.  But they are better than staring into space feeling so lost and scared.  I have to get a blood draw today.  Not a big thing but it’s huge to me.  When I trekked to get my mail, my oxygen dropped and my heart rate soared.  Tried throwing the ball for Mel, got too hot to sit and painful.  Cleaned the birdcage and spilled some on the floor, barely got it done.  Now I’m just wondering how I’ll get a light shower in.  Tomorrow a temp housekeeper that will require guidance and I’m not very patient.  I also should get sandwiches for the coming week, but the walking is getting worrisome.  I slept well mentally for a long time.  That was nice, but doesn’t help the reality of dealing the with the real world.

Don't know how I’ll wash my hair again.  I know my stress is sky high just facing washing today.  I’d put it off but I think we all know how it feels after a few days to want to feel we are clean again.  Plus hottest day tomorrow so it will be suffocating in the bathroom.  Prolly will today too.  I tried sleeping on a different side last night and now I’m wondering if I just made it worse.  
 

My hands are tied until the assessment next week.  I have no idea how I’ll make it til then.  If I were an expert at doing nothing and it were even an option it would just be crossing off the hours and days.  The very hardest thing is no one to talk to.  Someone close.  My counselor is listened yesterday but could do nothing.  Plus you’re on a clock.  
 

im still watching gone of my parakeets failing.  That’s a torture for us both.  
 

Off to this day.  So hard to feel defeated when I have just begun.

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

im still watching gone of my parakeets failing.  That’s a torture for us both.  

Oh Gwen, so sorry your parakeet is failing.  Why now when you have so much else to deal with.  Thinking about you and hope it will help you a little to know you are in my thoughts.

I spent a good part of the day today on line researching a new primary care physician in my new location.  I have always liked female physicians.  So far I haven't decided.  Right now I just need one who will keep my prescriptions going.  Yesterday was my last appointment with my retinal specialist.  I hated to tell him goodby.  He was amazing in the way he quickly and gently treated my macular degeneration issues.  I really appreciated his wonderful "bedside manner".  His office will refer me to a RS closer to my new home.   Since I will need someone to drive me to my appointments, it doesn't make sense not to be closer. 

15 hours ago, kayc said:

We're not only getting heat but Thunder/lightening through Sunday...we already have fires nearby.  If I have to evacuate, how am I going to take myself, Kodie, my sister, her walker taking up the whole trunk (plus her bedrails that I can't break down, our Rxs, in my Civic along with a few clothes, dogfood, water, etc.

kayc:  Haven't had the chance to hear the weather lately so didn't realize you are facing this kind of weather and the possible fear of having to evacuate you, Kodie and your sister.  Keeping positive thoughts the lightening passes quickly and no fires. Dee

[kayc]

No shelters here, no idea.

I drove 100 miles to get groceries yesterday because I knew my sister couldn't wait in the car with 105 temp. today when I take her to the denturist, she doesn't know how to use the riding cart and isn't very ambulatory.  So, special trip it is.

Today I take her to the denturist, may be all day, not looking forward to it.  They called yesterday, said they received her application.  She must have had someone mail it for her, she swore someone took it.  She said she didn't sleep at all the night before and at 2pm it was pitch black.  She has her days/nights turned around, my mom did that.  She said it's smokey, the air particulates are 53, barely above "good" and I have an air filtration system going day/night at her house.  She says it's hot but every time I go there it's cool, I have her air conditioner on.  Sigh.  I told my siblings not to believe anything she says.  Her mind is a mess. 

Some of my trees have dead branches on them, they can't take this heat.  I haven't had this happen in my 44 years here before.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m being tested or for what purpose.  Last night before going to bed, I noticed water on the floor by my fridge.  2nd night.  Last night I found the source (snd I’m hoping the only source).  The water line that goes from the plumbing to the ice maker and water things on the front.  I was fortunate enough that it didn’t get too bad while I slept, but it’s really leaking now after soaking thru the duct tape and towels.   I have a median garbage can under It I won’t able to move if it gets too full.  I’m going with a company I’ve never used because they said they could be here.  The other 2 were booked and this can’t wait til tomorrow.  
 

so, my dishwasher is still not fixed, but at least it doesn’t affect the floor.  One of my parakeets died on Friday and I was at Urgent Care yesterday with no real help for my legs.  It was another painful nights sleep and my Sunday Zoom buddy says she’s not feeling well so wants to keep things short, one of my very few social connections.  Church night for a meal and hopefully make that.  My other social connection.  Meanwhile, I’ve pushed my back hard already for the day.  
 

plumber fixed problem.  Complicated by cheat quick install of the water line to the fridge.  Expensive valve malfunctioning too. Ever so grateful I had a decent IRS refund.  Used a lot of it, but can’t live with water leakage on floors.  I always feel so old.  This guy was 36, 30 years younger than me.   I used to use these opportunities to wipe floors under things.  Had to ask him which he did.  Will be able to get to the church tho I’m so worn out from the stress.  Putting laundry and shower on hold.  
 

New parakeet still doing nothing.  The norm.  She’ll have to get hungry soon.  Mel’s all out of sync from a weird day.  I do and don’t want to do anything.   But I have to get out.  Maybe call my cousin and cry to her.  She has a soothing voice.

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I hope you got to talk to your cousin and get out for dinner at the church.  What a day you had!  I'm sorry about your parakeet, so hard that our pets don't last longer.  I'm glad you got a repairman out and he took care of the floor underneath as well.  These little kindnesses mean so much!  Just sorry you had to go through it at all!  AND had to go in ER!  Wow, that's a lot.

I wasn't able to go to church as I don't want to leave Kodie that long with the fires still not contained.  Took him to my sister's to pay her bills, that was awful, what should take five minutes took HOURS because she's so muddly and it's hard to describe but she has to look everything up and down over and over before handing it to me, she gets mad quickly when she sees a bill, says she's already paid things when she hasn't, on and on, she lost the bank statement (she had it the last time I was there) so I couldn't reconcile her checkbook, it's just horrid dealing with her.  And I discovered the riser on her toilet is not attached and did not want to snap into place...she says it's been like that since she got home, it was not, then she said it was before she fell, awck!!  She will not call someone to take her to her appts, so I'm going to see if a neighbor will grab Kodie if they evacuate, but I have to move the stuff out of my trunk for her walker, so much for being prepared.  I want to resign!!

I do not see her living on her own a whole lot longer.  She does NOT make good decisions for herself!  Frustration level is off the charts.  I went to my neighbor's and we let the dogs play while we watched a movie together....it was too dark and quiet so couldn't really fully enjoy it but she has A/C so that was nice!  

Can't wait for the heat to end!  

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Maybe call my cousin and cry to her.

You know, I think this is one of the things we miss the most, having some who cares, someone to listen...hence, venting here.

 

[Gwenivere]

I may call my cousin tonight.  I was too wiped out after the plumber and getting the church meal last night.  Today I meet virtually with my endocrinologist and am hoping I can do a shower.  It’s so horrid feeling unclean after days of high temps.  I slept on the wrong side I guess, tho I don’t think there is a better one any more.  My shrink returned my call but was useless for my state of mind as usual.  Weds I have the surgery assessment and called regarding assistance in if my back is as bad as it is today.   I won’t be able to eat beforehand because I’m too worried about getting diarrhea but it may be an issue anyway.  Had to cancel my PCP  appointment as I spaced it I had one.  Can’t get a hold of the medication place that called. This being old and all you have to do now for surgery is endless.  I’m sure they’ll want a covid test and no way I know how I’ll do that.  I so want this to be a nightmare to wake up from but I know it’s not.  I don’t even care about this thyroid mess tho it could be impacting the pain.  Can’t take enough meds to control it.  My big outing will be for gas and then facing the dreaded bathroom in hopes I can pull it off.  I always feel I can’t do this again.  I just want to smash something and scream.  Then sit in my chair snd disappear into app games.  
 

new bird actually chirped last night.  Pretty voice.

[kayc]

Little things like the bird chirping are what keep me going, help me there is something good in life.  Yesterday was hard, so was the day before.  Sometimes we wonder, is this all there is to life?  Things sure have changed...

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Sometimes we wonder, is this all there is to life?  Things sure have changed...

Every day is seeing that scale that was once balanced so weighted down on one side.  I never expected to be in the spot you defined......is this all there is?  Yes, the bird chirp or seeing Mel really happy or a nice plumber help, but they are fleeting.  All the phone calls I make are to people always saying to have a great rest of your day.  Nothing could be farther from the reality.  But you play along and say the same back to them.  
 

What went wrong is when life was something I loved.  I didn’t view it as a gift, it just was.  Now it’s something I’m stuck in like a maze I have to keep finding my way. thru every day.  I don’t even know what the escape is.  I know it won’t be happiness because I’ve been there before and it will never come back even close to what it was.  I don’t want to feel this way, I just look at the reality of my life.  Even if I do this massive back surgery, there are 4 other conditions that would require more procedures.  I have to decide if that’s the kind of life I want to live.  It’s a life altering decision in all ways.  Having my once social life replaced by being a full time patient.  My off hours spent alone.  I saw years ago older people like this, but they had reasons.  Kids or the biggie....their partner.  I witnessed many become shells of themselves when they lost that.  I see it me already.  Volunteering and movement limitations have closed off my interests.  Each year is going to become more restrictive.  I don’t have the body that can be kept flexible.  Getting in and out of bed and dressed are long rituals now.  The kicker is all it would have taken is to have my partner with me.  One couple I knew said their life was doctors for one or the other.  It was OK.  They’d plan little things after like getting ice cream.  It doesn’t take much.  That is why I get so frustrated when I have to tell docs getting into the office is so very hard, they always ask if someone can bring me.  Sometimes they’ll ask a 2nd time like that is going to change the answer.  
 

I’m not naive about the changes in aging.  I’m not going to feel bad I’m not a big fighter now.  Like I was telling my cousin last night as she made more (ugh) suggestions is that I have given a lot of thought about quality of life for ME.  What makes it meaningful and what will make it just a waiting game as I lose independence.   So many I talk to overlook things they have I don’t.  Not whining, just truth.  Perhaps this is the price of making someone your world.  I didn’t make back up plans.  Early grief was easier than this.  I had physical freedom to help.
 

I’ve turned into someone I don’t want to be.  That is what I have to decide if I can keep living with.  A life of med probs and loneliness between.  

[kayc]

I got woke up at 11 pm that I needed to get out RIGHT NOW that the fire jumped Salmon Creek and is 4 miles from here, and to GET OUT NOW!  I had just unpacked the car because I need to take Peggy to the eye doctor today.  I packed it back up, came on line and tried to verify info and couldn't find anything, even the USFS link I looked at was blank.  Just got back to sleep and the neighbor called at midnight, telling me if I waited until morning I wouldn't be here.  Great, how do you sleep after that?  He was on his way to Springfield with his family.  I'd taken a sleeping pill at 8 and was really tired.  Kodie was very upset, wanting to sit on top of me.  Finally slept a while.  Went on FB Oakridge Chat this morning, getting conflicting reports but nothing from officials except for city councilors downplaying everything.  Of course, they don't want a panic.  But neither do they live up here on the mountain.  

If I pack our necessities, there's no room for Peggy's walker and vice versa.  If I leave Kodie home while we go to town, I may not see him again.  Horrid situation.

[MartyT]

Oh Kay ~ how awful for you and Kodie! I hope and pray that you will put the both of you first on your list of priorities! Sending love and light to you, along with prayers for your safety! ❤️

[Gwenivere]

My gawd Kay!  I know you won’t see any posts for awhile as you check in early, but I sure hope you find some accurate information.  I know you won’t leave Kodie.  Thinking of you.  💖

[scba]

Kay, hoping for the best for you and Kodie. For your house. Please let us know when possible. 

[kayc]

I had a day from hell yesterday.  Drove 60+ miles to the eyedoctor, sat in the car with Kodie for two hours while she was at the eye doctor.  I finally called and they said, "Oh, is her ride here?"  I said yes, I've been here the whole time, waiting right out front.  Got her into the car, drove way across town to get gas at Costco, my new debit card wasn't activated.  I had it printed, activated, and put in my pin when I went to the bank this week.  Grr!  Called the bank, they activated it so had to get gas elsewhere, $40 cents/gal. higher.  Had to stop at Winco and get her a diet 7-Up to settle her stomach.  (She'd been throwing up for two days but hadn't told me.)  Neither of us got to eat.  Took her to WalMart so she could get Depends.  Waited in the car with Kodie for over an hour, finally she came, someone helping her find my car (I was right out front where I said I'd be).  She "couldn't find the Depends."  I'd told her to ask the greeter. Left her with Kodie and the A/C running, I went in and got them, took but a few minutes although I had to go clear across the store.  She gave me $ for gas/Depends, but then must have put it back in her purse as it was not there when I looked again.  Had to stop at our local pharmacy and get something for her eyes the doctor said to take.  And phone calls I had to make on her behalf!  Poor Kodie in the car this whole time, Piled up 174 miles on the car.  He couldn't eat/drink/move/pee, although I'd taken him out once about 12:45.  He was a trooper, didn't cry, was so incredibly patient and good.  Not a life for a young pup though.  It meant having to take all my fire evacuation stuff out of the trunk and piling it up in the car, I'm so tired of moving all that stuff, every time I need something I don't know where it is, I'd had it organized in the trunk but piling everything in wherever I could get it to fit in the back seat next to Kodie, I can't find anything now.  

With taking the heavy walker in/out of my car so many times, I injured my finger, it turned white with purple bands on the knuckles, ice cold, no oxygen or blood flow.  It's swollen too.  I can't keep doing this.  I'm exhausted, hurting, worn out, broke, and it's just begun.  Now she needs cataract surgery before she can start on the macular degeneration or get glasses.  The surgeon will call in a couple of weeks.

Took her home, emptied her garbage, I'd brought her homemade soup for dinner, hoping her stomach settles down, put 7-Up in her refrigerator.  

Got home at 6 pm, gone 7 hours, poor Kodie.

[kayc]

Oh and now there's more fires.  Somebody wake me when there's another life!

[Gwenivere]

How long can you keep up this pace, Kay?   I know your sister needs help.  I’d be screaming my head off during these outings.  Kodie is s trooper.  We haven to remember they handle things better than we do as they live just that moment.  I don’t think they experience time passing unless it’s hunger or biological need, but that’s in that moment too.  Now more fires?  I thought my life was over stressed.  I so feel for you.  I know I couldn’t do it.  Is your finger any better?  All your doing is a big financial hit.  That’s going to catch up too.  I’d be asking for compensation.  Wish I knew something to say that could help.  🌹

[kayc]

I told my sister she HAS to get someone else to drive her, I can't lift or have exertion on my finger, think it's nerve damage and not getting the oxygen it needs.  It's very swollen, sore, purple now and still cold although not as icy as the first night.  Trying to get in to the doctor today, have to call promptly at 8:30 am.  Also right thumb injured but not nearly as bad.

Peggy told me last night she's considering hiring someone who is already working at the store!  Are you KIDDING me!!!  She will be working when Peggy needs a driver!  I told her doctor's don't work around your caregiver's schedule!  I'm not doing it, I can't, I need to heal.  I'm exhausted, injured, broke, nope!  I'm about to call someone on her to haul her off if she doesn't employ someone properly.  She threw up on her shoes and went to the eye doctor like that, didn't even clean them off.  She can remove her shoes and clean them, good grief!  She does NOTHING for herself!  I could not live like that.