Annette

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, Ruby said:

I could do with a beignet (or 2 or 3) about now.

Ha Ruby!  So could I with a steaming cup of cafe au lait at the Morning Call  or the Cafe du Monde in the Quarter.  When I was a teenager, way back in the late 50's, we spent 25 cents for an order (3) beignets and a cup of cafe au lait.  Looong time ago.  Everyone who I ever knew visited NO always remarked there was no other place like it in the USA.  I visited throughout the years bringing my Northwest husband.  He loved everything about NO, especially the food.  My last visit was  summer  right before Katrina hurricane destroyed it so badly.  Dee

[Ruby]

Dee, I bet those were good times in 
N’Awlins with your husband! And what a great tour guide he had, imagine you know the place inside and out! Gosh, since Katrina, seems these weather catastrophes have just continued to increase, everywhere. Hard to wrap your mind around the toll on human lives, species, and the environment. Feels like grief on a global scale. 
(This turned into a downer, sorry. 😩)

[kayc]

Things get lost in 45 years of living in the same place with "all this stuff" too.    Sometime I dream about packing JUST WHAT I NEED and having someone come in and toss everything else!!  I'd love to downsize and am afraid my hands will not cooperate.  It doesn't help that there's no place in town to "donate to."

 

[Gwenivere]

I am continually dismayed by the weather catastrophes happening.  I dot recall such a hard 2 years.  Things happened, but not on such broad scales.  We were never included in Midwest or even east coast reaching events.  The global warnings are becoming real now.  We were warned.  We had 5 earthquakes in a very unstable spot in a relatively short time.  Happened often enough, but not that many so close together.  No damage but reminders of the fault we sit on. Nature now scares me.  It’s something we cannot control.  Never could, but it wasn’t this brutal.  I was never and outdoorsy person, but even less so now.

[kayc]

Yes, the pictures on the news of Kentucky were horrific.  Whole communities, gone.  It's beyond our minds to comprehend.  I hope Red Cross or someone came in and helped these people left with no homes, jobs, belongings...

[Gwenivere]

I can’t even imagine e hat it must feel to be in such a catastrophe.  Seeing your home and community gone.  No place to go that is remotely home.  I see people pulling together.  So much to rebuild. It will take so long to do too.  😓

[kayc]

I wouldn't know where to start.  The community will never be the same again, some will move away.  My son's new home is in Lyons, a town destroyed by fire in the Fall of 2020.  It still looks devastating, some have rebuilt, some in camp trailers, some have left, still debris, it's hard to look at.

[nashreed]

I sit here today, knowing that it's coming to the end of a year that Annette wasn't ever even alive in. It's just very hard to live with, and I know most of you have had this milestone. 

I had to go to the store, and I parked next to a young couple- the guy was going in to start work and his girlfriend/wife(?) was seeing him off with a big hug and a kiss. That was us many years ago and just at the beginning of last year. She always hated to see me leave, and I used to drag out leaving- heading out and then coming back in for one more kiss. Life is so meaningless without someone to share it with. I don't know why so many people choose to be alone. Maybe they've been burned by bad relationships or lost their partner, but with all the lonely people in the world, it just doesn't make sense to me. Nothing that I do matters now. I'm just half a person. I really wish that people could decide when they want to stop living. Everything bores me now. I'm sick of it all. I am absolutely fine with the life I led. Without my soul mate, I don't need to be here. Why do people celebrate New Year's? Nothing changes. 

[V. R.]

8 hours ago, nashreed said:

I sit here today, knowing that it's coming to the end of a year that Annette wasn't ever even alive in. It's just very hard to live with, and I know most of you have had this milestone. 

I had to go to the store, and I parked next to a young couple- the guy was going in to start work and his girlfriend/wife(?) was seeing him off with a big hug and a kiss. That was us many years ago and just at the beginning of last year. She always hated to see me leave, and I used to drag out leaving- heading out and then coming back in for one more kiss. Life is so meaningless without someone to share it with. I don't know why so many people choose to be alone. Maybe they've been burned by bad relationships or lost their partner, but with all the lonely people in the world, it just doesn't make sense to me. Nothing that I do matters now. I'm just half a person. I really wish that people could decide when they want to stop living. Everything bores me now. I'm sick of it all. I am absolutely fine with the life I led. Without my soul mate, I don't need to be here. Why do people celebrate New Year's? Nothing changes. 

Oh, how I understand how you feel. When you say you're only a 'half person', well I don't know how many times I've said that to myself and to others. But how can they possibly understand? They just nod their heads and say:yes, I know, but you have to go on..... Oh it can be so irritating. I know people are just trying to help, but sometimes, actually, always, I prefer not to talk about it at all. I really relate to you when you say:'everything bores me'. 

For me, except for my son and daughter, nobody and nothing exists for me anymore, everything is meaningless. If my husband was the air I breathe, well, if that air has been taken away from me, how can I possibly survive? We were really 2 parts of one whole entity, how can the other half live, now? If you remove the engine from a car, will that car ever move again? James, we have to try and find comfort in feeling that our soul-mates are right beside us, mentally and physically, every single moment of our lives, guiding us thru this journey. Even if 14 months have passed, I still can't /won't accept my loss, time passes for the rest of the world, but for me time stood still that day. Yesterday evening, I tried but broke down, singing and playing on the piano:'The end of the world' (Skeeter Davis/Brenda Lee) because I have used the same words over and over again: 'why does the sun go on shining', why does the sea rush to shore, why do the stars glow above?..... If you're not here anymore'. And if I listen to 'Roberta Flack' s "The first time ever I saw your face", well, that really is my story. I often question my sanity, when, for example, I'm in the middle of doing something, like cooking, cleaning up, and suddenly stop what I'm doing and start crying out loud and banging my head against the wall,repeating to myself: "no, no, no, it's not true, you can't just disappear like that, suddenly, from one moment to another!" 

Like you you, I feel grateful for this community where we can all let ourselves go and pour out this torment/agony we're all going through.

Take care

Enza

 

[nashreed]

Thank you Enza. I truly appreciate you sharing. I'm glad you have your children. I, unfortunately, am the end of the family line. 

It's funny how, in the morning when I wake up, I actually kind of forget my dire circumstances, and have some hope that something good will happen during the day. I try to distract myself, keep that feeling alive throughout the day. Thank God for music. I have headphones on throughout the day (as I have to block out the sounds of screaming brats around here, among other things) and though I can't afford them anymore, I still have thousands of CD's. That collection used to be my "identity", besides being Annette's husband. We have an American version of the UK show "Ghosts" that I love, and look forward to that- but there isn't a whole lot else to look forward to, although I try to "keep hope alive". 

But there's always a point, usually right before I fall asleep.... I lay in bed and it hits me: "I will never see Annette again in this life", and that thought makes me want to die right there. The rest of the time is just trying to avoid thinking of that. 

I saw another headline about a husband and wife, only in their 40's or 50's, both with COVID who passed within hours of each other because they couldn't live without each other. What was wrong with me? Did I not love Annette enough to die from a broken heart? 

Take care,

James

 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, nashreed said:

I don't know why so many people choose to be alone.

A guy I was engaged to in my youth that broke my heart is 79 now and never married, he has commitment phobia, he's a dreamer, starts a relationship and doesn't follow through, gets cold feet.  He will die alone and lonely.

18 hours ago, nashreed said:

Why do people celebrate New Year's? Nothing changes. 

I guess because we need hope, hoping this next year is better than the last two, for us, for the country, for the world!

15 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I saw another headline about a husband and wife, only in their 40's or 50's, both with COVID who passed within hours of each other because they couldn't live without each other. What was wrong with me? Did I not love Annette enough to die from a broken heart? 

No, it doesn't work like that...they were lucky.  I thought for sure I would but I didn't.  Nothing about this is fair or predictable.

Enza, it can feel a struggle to find purpose/meaning in life after the person who belonged to our heart dies.  I have learned to embrace the good in life, no matter how small, now that my "big joy," George, is gone.  My puppy being number one...

[Gwenivere]

New Year’s means nothing to me either.  After 7 years I’ve come to see it hasn’t gotten any better.  I already know this coming year begins badly for me and for Melody.  Right off the bat in January.  Months of finding out what my final outcome will be and if it’s worth it.  None healing the gaping void I’ll carry til I die.  I wonder if I can find interest in the world again.  I’ve been removed from it for so long.  Forced to become a different person.  One that doesn’t fit here anymore.  I can’t get a hold of the surgeon for some important questions I have.  Closed for the holiday.  
 

 James, you asked if you couldn’t have died from a broken heart?  I know you loved Annette  I understand that.  I feel like I already did die.  I don’t know why I am doing these life things anymore.   Why I’m even here.

[nashreed]

Oh Gwen, I wish I could be a better cheerleader. On my aimless drive to nowhere today, I saw so many homeless people. I feel as useless as they must feel- forgotten, no purpose. I should be thankful to have my health(ish). I can't imagine the despair that you feel and I am so sorry. With all her challenges, I know Annette couldn't have gone on without me. You're very strong, Gwen- I know that's cold comfort, but its something to be proud of. I'm proud of you. You inspire me and help me to carry on- you really do. You need all the well wishes and love you can get, even if its from Cyberspace, and I am here for you (in the capacity I can be on an internet forum). Maybe you're here to help me, and I'm here to help you and maybe we're all here to help each other and that's our purpose. It's not a bad purpose. It's something. At least I can be good for something.

[razorclam]

Quote

you're here to help me, and I'm here to help you and maybe we're all here to help each other and that's our purpose. 

James that is a beautiful sentiment, and I can't think of anything more inspirational as we head into this new year.

 

[kayc]

I feel the same, James, that's a beautiful line, and I know it's from your heart.  Perhaps it is (our purpose), for myself I have felt so.

[Gwenivere]

On 12/31/2021 at 3:13 PM, nashreed said:

You're very strong, Gwen- I know that's cold comfort, but its something to be proud of. I'm proud of you. You inspire me and help me to carry on- you really do.

I truly cherish that, James.  And all of you that reacted.  I have reached a place that I never knew would happen.  Defeat.  I’m almost ashamed to admit it as I always thought I could face anything.  This morning I felt it very much.  I wish I could feel what you’ve expressed you see.  I’m trapped in a body and complications that are huge gamble to try and solve.  I’m paralyzed about what to do.  Don’t know who to trust for answers and don’t know if anyone has any.  I believe the doctors will do their best, but outcomes are not guaranteed.  Found that out already.  So how do you make decisions?  I have 3 days to do so.  Extending that just makes where I am worse.  Taking the chance can do the same.  Maybe worse as it’s a last gamble.  So that it where I am.  There is only one other way out of this and it is totally giving up and it gets lots of thought too.  

[kayc]

I understand and could very likely feel the same in your slippers.  That's why you have us, to believe FOR you when you cannot anymore, to hold hope when you cannot.  Friends do that.  (((hugs)))

[V. R.]

Gwen, I wish you all the best for your surgery. Just by reading all these posts, it really shows how everyone is thinking about you and cheering you on. Don't worry,I'm sure you're in good hands and your courage and trust in the specialists will help you make a speedy recovery. 

Enza

❤️

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, I  wish I had courage and trust, but I really don’t.  This isn’t courage, it’s totally pain and despair driven.  As for trust, I’m lacking in that after having that last.   I know the docs mean well, but it hasn’t worked out that way and I know I won’t handle this well.  I’m so tired after 6 months.  I honestly don’t know how I’ll do as I have no reserves to do the work all over again.  But I can’t live like this either. So I’m trapped.  I know this is just life, but without my partner it’s so very hard.  I’ve had to do more that made this worse without his help like I gave him.  It would have happened anyway, but I’d be able to rest more and maybe not make it as bad.  At least not go in again so drained. Plus I would have someone I trust totally by my side.  All this amid another covid surge coming. 
 

I’m sorry to be such a downer.  But I get weary being told I am things I am not.  I need to feel validated for what I truly feel.  No hero, inspiration or strong.  I’m the opposite of those and I need to be seen as it truly am.  Frightened. Definitely not to be admired.  I can’t carry that weight.  Please stop putting that on me.  I love you all for wanting that, but it makes me feel worse like I’m letting people down.  💕

[MartyT]

We hear you, Gwen, and we see you ~ and we accept you as you truly are. You've every right to feel exactly as you do. If we could change your circumstances, you know that we'd do so in a heartbeat. But that is not an option. Short of that, just know that we are here and we care. And we are pulling for you. ❤️

[Ruby]

Joining in the chorus in support of you, Gwen; just wishing you the very best.

[Kieron]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m so tired after 6 months.

Of course you are.  💖  We're not really made to carry so much alone, or for so long.  Wishing you a most benevolent and beneficent outcome possible, whatever may come.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I love you all for wanting that, but it makes me feel worse like I’m letting people down.  💕

And I understand your feeling as you do, I would likely feel the same, I haven't been there, not with what you are going through, all of our paths are unique and yours truly seems the hardest right now...I know we see you differently than you see yourself right now, and that's okay, it's not that we aren't seeing your vulnerability, it's easier for us to focus on the strengths in you but we are not trying to make you be something you are not.  I would be feeling the same fear and anxiety too, I deal with it myself with a whole lot less to deal with than you are going through!  That does not diminish our caring and value for you in the least, we wish so much for you going into this, we love you!  And if ever anyone had the right to not feel strong right now, it is you.  

[nashreed]

Yesterday I finally had to cancel Annette's phone line. Her phone is outdated and has been rendered obsolete and the phone provider is forcing an upgrade. I only kept it because it was hers- just one of the last tangible links to her, now gone too. I don't need it, and it only gets spam calls anyway, but I feel grief about it just the same. 

I feel no motivation to interact with the world or with people anymore. Talking on the phone with people to pay bills is the only contact I have with people other than my family, and posting on here- but even that leaves me cold and empty. It seems that nothing and nobody can ever possibly take half the place of Annette, so why even try? I exist, but it's meaningless. I'm just in a purgatory, waiting to be with her again. 

I feel so terrible. I had a friend who is a widow that I texted with and messaged. She wanted to spend less time writing me and more time just watching TV and sleeping. I didn't understand at the time, but now I totally do. Nobody can replace our soul mate, and I foolishly thought that I could be a good enough friend to fill that void. Now I know that it really is all about distracting myself as much as possible, not thinking about her.... I thought I could have a meaningful connection that would be as fulfilling as my relationship with Annette, but that's never going to happen. I just wish I could tell her she was right, but we don't write anymore. 

My life is over. I'm just taking a long time to decompose. 

[kayc]

Did you check with them to see if there's a way to memorialize her phone?  Seems there should be even if it can't be used to reach the internet, etc.  But to let go of any link with them seems a death in itself as any of us have been through this understands.