Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Cleaning Closets


Recommended Posts

Whatever possessed me. Only 2 1/2 months have gone by since Duke's passing. Some days I think I'm dealing fine, though I still cry a lot. Today I came home after physical therapy and I have a whole closet full of clothes already outgrown by our beautiful first grandchild, Danica, 20 months. Thought maybe I might wash them up and bring them to the local consignment shop. Also in the closet were a lot of Duke's police uniforms and dress clothes. After going through Danica's section, I started through Duke's, then to our bedroom into his closet. What a mistake. Though I just reorganized, very little to Goodwill, just touching his Harley shirts, and hunting shirts brought on the TEARS.....it gets worse. He had a small plastic tote where I always stashed his STUFF cleaning out his dresser drawers..he was a paper saver and he had STUFF...going through old wallets..pics of the kids..my picture taken when we announced our engagement...the newspaper articles about 2 of his best friends who died in 1976..tattered and torn from being in his wallet...well I know some of you may have experienced this but having really no intention to do this yet, I urge you to be ready.. I wasn't and now I feel so out of control.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't been able to clean out much of anything and it will be four yrs. in November. Just too many memories. I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed, I think I would be also. We need to take our time with grief and don't be hard on yourself, you thought the time was right. Grieving and the memories it brings it very hard work, just be kind to yourself, Deborah

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fred has been gone nearly 3 months. He bought a lot of clothes and seldom parted with any. His sons came to visit a few weeks after his death and they took some clothes that were meaningful to them. I donated some things today but I was careful only to donate things that he didn't normally wear. I also got rid of all of his under clothing because he had about a dozen pair he hadn't opened yet. I put those in his drawers "in case he comes back". Intellectually, I know he isn't coming back but emotionally, I just have to keep some things that I know he would want ... just in case. When I'm ready, I'll sort out some more. Oh, after taking some shirts out of his closet that I had been coaxing him to donate, I then spread all the left over one out so it didn't look like anything was missing. Funny how my mind works these days.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I sat there in his closet last night on a tote still filled with summer clothes and hugged his harleyh shirts and cried. The tears just kept flowing. Duke died on 7/8/09 from injuries from a motorcycle accident 12 miles from home. We have been riding all over the country since 1982 and never had an accident. We had great 16 day trips to Michigan and Wisconsion, Blue Ridge Mts., Outer Banks NC, South Dakota, the Keys, He always kept us safe, me on the back. I am trying to heal my physical injuries, broken L tibia, fxs. T8, T9, subarachnoid hemorrahages, multiple bruising and road rash but he kept me safe. We were hit by a 22 yr old who was texting. I'm trying so hard to stay sane.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have yet to clean out clothes. we have two adult boys who want most of them and I just can't bring myself to do that. I have changed his man's room and gave our boys his furniture and tv to make room for another spare bedroom for company and that was hard but Scott would have wanted to boys to have that stuff and for us to look forward... as so very hard as that is... I can no smell his cologne as it nearly drops me to my knees but I am better at 6 months after his passing than I was at 3,4, and 5 months. Time doesn't heal, God does and I just keep praying. I do feel Scotts presence every once in a while.

laurie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joe's sandals sat by the front door for nine months before I could even think of bringing them upstairs. I wear his old t shirts around the house - it comforts me. I've started to go through some things just recently, but it makes my heart so heavy, I just don't want to do it yet. My advice is not to force it just because you think you should be doing it. Hugs, Marsha

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have no idea when or what I am going to do with Scott's clothes (though I know there are particular items I won't part with). I am glad I didn't do anything rash at the beginning, as I thought then about it as seeing his stuff was soooo painful. The only thing I really did was get rid of his toiletries from the bathroom, as I simply couldn't handle that. And I moved his shoes from the landing into a closet. Otherwise, I will just do things when it feels right - no rush.

Korina

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cleaning out Tom's clothes was one of the first things that I did. It took me awhile to do it and I needed help from 2 girlfriends when I was really ready to do it. I gave the shirt that made him smile to Goodwill to help someone else smile. I gave one of our girlfriends one of his most favorite sweatshirts and she wore it when we spread Tom's ashes this weekend. I gave the other girlfriend one of his jackets and she enjoys wearing it and thinking of Tom. I gave a motorcycle jacket to a neighbor because he's in a band and he wears it to honor his friendship with Tom. I wore his sand railing shirt this weekend because I was cold at the point spreading his ashes and I had wrapped it around the box to protect him on his journey up the mountain in a sand rail. Tom's camo sand railing hat hangs by the door...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Paula,

That is so nice that people wanted Tom's things. I am in the situation that my husband had an identical twin and I have offered him anything he would want and he has not even responded to me to say "No thanks". And it is not a case of John not having nice things - many very, very nice sweaters, coats, etc.

I have a jacket that John particularly loved and wore all the time hanging on a peg inside my front door. So every time I come in the front door I can look right at it. Have not been able to dispose of any clothing items other than two favorite T-shirts that I gave to my older grandsons the other evening.

Paula, how did the spreading of the ashes go? (Or perhaps you posted about this somewhere else and I did not see it?)

DeeGee

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've taken my time on the closet cleaning. It seemed like I was ready at one year and did manage to donate quite a bit. Some things still hang and I have bins of shirts I hope to sew parts together and edge a comforter for my son. It is easier to see things every day than it is to come upon them by surprise. (Like the wedding napkins I was saving for our 25th anniversary.)

Take your time on this. There is no need to rush it.

Kath

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Been there...

George's closet rod broke just a couple weeks after he died so I boxed everything up and when the time was right, I gave it to a cause I knew he'd want it to go to. It was hard cleaning out his car to sell it (I had to). But the worst was cleaning out his trailer (he lived in it during the week to be closer to work)...you could hear my wails miles away, I'm sure. It was way too soon. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't. There's still some stuff I haven't touched.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After reading these responses regarding clothes etc., I think I can relax and not get in any big hurry to start getting rid of things. It will change the whole house when I start doing it because everything in the house has her touch on it. At the same time, I'm feeling a little paralyzed just not doing anything. I suppose I should just start with one closet and box up the clothes and then look at the boxes for a while. Sorry, I'm just sitting here typing and rambling on.

Ted

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ted, I'm probably the slowest on this site to pack up anything. November will be 4 yrs. for me, unbelievable. Yes, I've donate some things, that had no special memory for me but his dresser drawers are as he left them. The closet still has most of his things. I have not felt the need to "clear" things out. Seeing his favorite jackets and such brings me happy memories and I want it to feel like he was here. If you feel like doing alittle something, then try it. Just do it at your own pace. Deborah

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I took my time cleaning out the closets. He had so many clothes and what seemed like hundreds of golf and polo shirts. Kept a few clothes that Stephen seemed to love, and kept his golf clubs (those are never going anywhere). I gave most of his clothes to his family in Ft. Worth. On one of my many trips to Ft. Worth, I saw his nephew wearing one of his nicer golf shirts. The nephew so resembled Stephen when he was young that it took my breath away. I have not been able to give anything else away since.

Kathy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I cleaned out the garden shed today. This is a small task compared to my cleaning out the 30x40 ft. garage full of Tom's tools and personality which I have not even begun. I found a surprise in the garden shed from Tom. It was a oil lamp holder that he had made out of steel for oil lamps that he bought 2 years ago. He had made them for all of our friends and he was so proud of them. Spray painted them black. Finding that made my heart sing and brought me back to a happy time together. An oil lamp was there, too. I put it back in the garden shed for now; it's something that I want to keep. I don't need 4 pix-axes and at least that many shovels. I am finding that the more that I face his things and make decisions about them the lighter my heart feels. For me now, a lot of his things are just things. It's just "stuff". They are not Tom. For me Tom's most precious things, I hold in my heart forever.

Paula

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Like we say, do what makes you feel good at this time. There are no set rules for grieving and we will all grieve in our own way and own pace. For some it's a matter of needing space or moving on for one reason or another. You most certainly can feel free to "ramble on" with us on this site. That's what we are here for.

After reading these responses regarding clothes etc., I think I can relax and not get in any big hurry to start getting rid of things. It will change the whole house when I start doing it because everything in the house has her touch on it. At the same time, I'm feeling a little paralyzed just not doing anything. I suppose I should just start with one closet and box up the clothes and then look at the boxes for a while. Sorry, I'm just sitting here typing and rambling on.

Ted

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so glad that I joined this site. Reading your responses helps me to deal with the thoughts and emotions which are running through my mind. I lost Brian 3 1/2 weeks ago. Since that time I have been wearing his clothes to bed and when I'm just hanging around our home. The thought of going through all of his belongings or getting rid of his things is just too painful to consider at this time. But I did discover some treasures as I went through some of his drawers. Brian was a musician and wrote beautiful songs. About two years ago he wrote a beautiful song about how he felt about having me in his life. Then, he lost the paper on which he had written the words. I found it and it was a wonderful reminder of how much he loved me. It helped me realize that he never would have left me if there had been any other option. I also asked his children if they wanted to take any of his clothing -- thought they might also find comfort in wearing one of his sweatshirts or t-shirts. His daughters agreed but his son did not want to take anything. I guess the reminders are too much for him to bear right now (he's 18). I guess for now I will continue to face life one moment at a time. It's difficult but I'm doing the best that I can.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so glad that I joined this site. ... But I did discover some treasures as I went through some of his drawers. Brian was a musician and wrote beautiful songs.

Linda, I'm glad you joined this site too and sad that you lost Brian. Fred has been gone three months and I joined this site two weeks after his death. You will go through ups and downs and your emotions will most likely be all over the place. No matter how you are feeling, you'll find others here that have had similar feelings and experiences. You are so lucky to have found that song! I just about tore the house up trying to find some treasure like that. I did find some unsent greeting cards that I knew he picked out for me. That was nice.

Take care, Fredzgirl

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Whatever possessed me. Only 2 1/2 months have gone by since Duke's passing. Some days I think I'm dealing fine, though I still cry a lot. Today I came home after physical therapy and I have a whole closet full of clothes already outgrown by our beautiful first grandchild, Danica, 20 months. Thought maybe I might wash them up and bring them to the local consignment shop. Also in the closet were a lot of Duke's police uniforms and dress clothes. After going through Danica's section, I started through Duke's, then to our bedroom into his closet. What a mistake. Though I just reorganized, very little to Goodwill, just touching his Harley shirts, and hunting shirts brought on the TEARS.....it gets worse. He had a small plastic tote where I always stashed his STUFF cleaning out his dresser drawers..he was a paper saver and he had STUFF...going through old wallets..pics of the kids..my picture taken when we announced our engagement...the newspaper articles about 2 of his best friends who died in 1976..tattered and torn from being in his wallet...well I know some of you may have experienced this but having really no intention to do this yet, I urge you to be ready.. I wasn't and now I feel so out of control.

Dear jrm,

I wasn't ready yet, but Social Security wanted Service papers and our marriage certificate and I went rummaging around his closet and I found all his clothes and his belts, shoes, boots and cried like a baby...I know what you mean, you have to be ready for this..It has only been a month and I feel so alone today..most of my friends understand but after awhile I get tired of talking about it and then I want to talk and no one is around...this is a good site to have...Bless you, Rochel

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...