How Long In The Fog?

[KarenK]

I'm sure that Mark knew exactly how much you loved him, just as Ron did with me. Yet, after being hospitalized for a month, a couple of days before he was put on life support, he spoke up and asked me if I wanted a divorce and if I was tired of taking care of him. I know it was the illness and despair talking. We had been married for a very long time(40+ years) and he had been ill with various things for the last 20. Caregiving was a way of life for me and I would not change a thing, except to have wished for better health for him for his benefit.

Some things he said to me regarding his care were very hurtful, but I always did the best I could for him just as you did for Mark. I did not get to say goodbye as he had slipped into a coma, but I'm sure he knew I was there. When he could no longer speak because of the ventilator, I gave him paper and a pencil. Although his mind was fading, he managed to scribble a big "WIFE" on it one day before I arrived at the hospital. I know he was waiting for me. I keep that paper in a drawer, but cannot look at it too often. The same is true for the horse t-shirt I bought for my daughter a few days before she left. She never got a chance to wear it.

Just kind of rambling here. I always try to think of all the positive things I did for each of them, not only the negative which seem to rear their ugly heads in your worst moments.

Karen

[kayc]

Karen,

You've been through a lot. Your positive attitude is sustaining you even now. I'm glad you realized it was the illness talking...been there!

[KarenK]

Kay,

I may have said this before, but I know somewhere you and I have been sisters

I try not to dwell too hard on the sad things. It is funny how a person's mind works even as they near the end of their time. Another thing Ron wrote on a separate page was Fry's sale. He was telling me to go to his favorite grocery store for the sales. He had been the grocery store shopper for many years as I worked. No one else had a clue as to what he was saying. Eventually though, he could no longer hold the pencil. It was so hard to watch my big strapping man deteriorate.

And after 2 years, I am still in the fog. I was making mac n' cheese when I stopped to let the dog out. Horror of horrors, I couldn't unlock the back door. I finally took her out the side door, around the house, and unlocked the side gate to the back yard. After many tries and removing the lock face, it wouldn't budge. I called my neighbor who came over, turned it one time and it opened. Talk about feeling stupid. To top it all off, I set the timer to boil the macaroni and when it went off, I discovered I had forgotten to put the macaroni in and only boiled the water. Now, I wouldn't admit that to just anyone. Just all of you here who have "been there".

Karen

[kayc]

Yep, done that too!

[Froggie4635]

During our marriage, Mark was the cook. Not because I didn't know how, but he enjoyed it and was good at it. But every so often I would fix a recipe that he had never had, and they would become some of his favorite things to eat. He didn't get them too often, so that they remained a favorite. I plan on going to spend time with his mom tomorrow for Mother's Day, and I fixed one of the things he loved so much. When I would fix it, we would always take some over to his mom's. Once it was done today, I served myself a bowl. I am always a harsh judge of my cooking, but I was happy with it, and glad it turned out good for such a special occasion. When I finished eating, I felt the tears come, and then the crying. I can picture the look on his face as he anticipated the casserole being done, and then the sounds he would make as he ate it. I haven't really taken this much effort to cook anything since Mark passed, but I want to do what I can to make tomorrow special. I didn't go to the family dinner tonight, because I wanted it to be a special time with her children, and for them to comfort her without me being there...it's about Mom now.

[kayc]

You really are the best DIL! I'm glad your dish turned out well and I hope you have a good day with his mom tomorrow.

[Froggie4635]

Had a very nice day with Mark's mom yesterday. It felt good to honor his mom in a way that Mark would have done. It was hard to not feel his absence. I let thoughts of her fill my weekend, and not so much about my hurt. With the beginning of the work week on this Monday, I can feel the hurt creeping back in. I am learning to adapt to it just being me. I finished the journal I started on January 1. I used a sign in book I had bought for Mark's service. I wasn't sure that the funeral director was gong to supply one, so I went and purchased one. When there was one at the service by the time I arrived, I kept this book and wrote in it over the last 4 months. I am very thankful to all my new friends here on this forum, for all their kind words and helpful support. I hope one day to be able to pay it forward and to help bring peace to those after me who lose the love of their life. I get a lump in my thought at thinking of Mark smiling as I offer my shoulder for others to lean on. I STILL wish he was here; so often I REALLY need for him to be here. I still shake my head some times in disbelief that he is gone. But I continue to move along, hoping that one day I will look upon his face and see that wonderful smile that always melted my heart. I try to think of Mark being in a place where he doesn't hurt anymore, that his soul feels light and happy. He no longer has to struggle with the doubts he carried with him. All he ever wanted was to be loved completely, and I was able to give him that. Funny thing is I had the same exact need as him, and he gave that to me, too. One day the memories will be sweeter, and not bring about the hurt and ache of missing him so intensely. That is the thought that tries to help me get through every day, and over every obstacle. One sweet day...

[kayc]

I'm glad you had a good Mother's Day with Mark's mom yesterday, I was hoping you would. I think that's why the day was so hard for me this year, I knew my kids wouldn't do anything or care to see me, and that always hurts, and in the past I've always made the day about MY mom, but this was my first w/o her and that was pretty tough, it made my hurt doubly hard.

[Froggie4635]

Well, if I had lived near you...I would have invited you too. That is one of those big things...honor your mother and father.

[Froggie4635]

I just crossed paths with one of my co-workers who had a heart attack not long after Mark passed. I stopped to ask him how he is doing, and that I was glad to see him. But I find myself faced with the question...why did he survive, and Mark have to go? I know I promised myself I wouldn't do that...that Mark's passing was between him and God. It still hurts so much that Mark is gone.

[kayc]

Maryann,

I think that's a natural question all of us ask at some point, knowing we aren't likely to get an answer.

[Froggie4635]

This has been a week that has brought me a feeling of excitement, awe and truly humbling as to how things work in the cosmic scheme of things. I have been a fan of "The Long Island Medium" since it began on TLC (The Learning Channel). When Theresa announce she was going to tour the US, I told Mark if she ever came to Houston, I would make sure that we got to go. Well, we did and it was a night of many emotions. We continued to follow her on her show; at the end of each short season, we would anticipate the upcoming one. The gift she has comes from God, and she expresses it just like that. She brings peace and healing to so many people, those who needed closure or hope to move on.

Back in January, I received an email from the Theresa Caputo fan club, asking for members to send an email to share with how Theresa, her show or her books touched our lives. I took time to write an appreciative email. I wrote from my heart. And I got response the same day; a very nice thank you. Well, this past Monday, I received a phone call from someone who worked for the fan club. I didn't catch the call, but received a call back Tuesday. I remembered how Theresa spoke about her fan club, how much her fans meant and how they ran the fan club. Money collected to join, after taking out expenses to run the club and the website, they put the money into a pool. With that pool, they would choose two or three fans a year, and treat them to a special gift. Well, my call was to tell me I had been selected to get an all expense paid trip to Theresa's show in Oregon; to meet her and spend time with her, attend her show and have a great time. With everything in me, I believe that there is something cosmic going on...the weekend of the trip will be 6 months that Mark has been gone. I truly believe that this will be a trip of a lifetime. It is the first time that my friends and co-workers have seen me smile since the day Mark died. I know I am still on my grief journey, and this trip will bring many emotions...good and bad. But I am taking a wonderful friend with me and she will be there to help me, and to share in the experience. I try not to get my hopes up, but I am sensing that Mark will be there. I just wanted to share to let everyone know that there are good things to come for all of us, that our loved ones do want us to find some peace and happiness, and that it is out there.

[MartyT]

Your post has made my day, dear Maryann, and I am so happy for you! Thank you for sharing your exciting news with all of us! Sending love and blessings to you ♥

[kayc]

And I hope we get to meet up, Maryann! I'd love to drive to meet you, it's no further than I drive to get groceries!

[Froggie4635]

Today was the first really frustrating day at work; just putting out one fire after another all day long and I came home exhausted and really missing Mark. He would take me in his arms and hug me, then figure out what comfort food would do the trick. It is times like this I want to close my eyes and go back in time...I miss his caring ways.

[kayc]

I wish I were there, Maryann, although I'd be a poor substitute for Mark! I've had one of those "last couple of days"...some strife at church (where you least want/expect it) with our interim pastor and secretary just up and leaving for a few days w/o warning, only to find ourselves locked out of our computer so we can't do our work. Had a technician come in today, password had been slightly changed, I know Microsoft will get the blame somehow but it makes you wonder. Can't wait until things are more settled there, too much stress (I'm Treasurer so I can't avoid it).

I'm missing George, too, Maryann. I had a dream that I called him on my smartphone and could see him and talk to him but it's like he couldn't hear me...I saw him talking with those around him, sometimes I could hear him, sometimes I couldn't, but it definitely signified my inability to reach him even though he's still very much a part of my everyday life in my heart. That was night before last, last night I dreamed my dog died, so I went to transport him in the trunk of my car (he's 132 lbs so I couldn't hoist him up into the truck) to Eugene so I could have him cremated, but on the way he came back to life...the trunk was tied down as he was too big for me to close it completely. I pulled over and my neighbor and I were trying to figure out how to get him out, he was on his back and struggling, what a dilemma! We didn't have his leash because he was dead, we hadn't expected him to come back to life!

Whatever I'm eating before I go to sleep, I'd better quit it!

[Froggie4635]

I was still feeling all my emotions this morning. I didn't sleep well last night; I know there were dreams, but nothing I could remember this morning. I know I have a wonderful trip coming up, but I also know it is also going to be stressful and very emotional. I've given myself a break from reading the grief books, although I can't really read anything else because my focus is still so, well, unfocused. I am still making note of the things I do around the house, to show myself I am accomplishing things beyond my caring for the dogs, going to work and grieving. My beautiful pansies that Mark planted for me in November are now gone; the Texas heat has taken them. But I selected so many of them and have them pressing in many books, so I have them to later put in a frame or somewhere I can look on them and smile. Yesterday's stress exhausted me, and today I still feel drained. I sat in the car this morning, listened to my CD and let the feeling come. I didn't even realize that this weekend is Memorial Day. I know I am not working on Monday. A friend from work returned; her sister passed last week and I wanted to check on her. I gave her a hug and told her I was there if she needed me.

I appreciate all the help and comfort I receive from this forum. It is my plan someday to pay it forward; to help others who are looking for a way to make it through.

[kayc]

I am glad you saved some of your pansies to press, I wish I'd thought of that...George had a green thumb. I, I have learned, do not.

[Froggie4635]

It has been a while since I posted anything. I am feeling overwhelmed at times; not by emotions so much, but in my inability to progress in accomplishing any tasks around the house. I see so many things that I know need done, but just don't feel the urge to do so. Having three young dogs (around age 3)is a daunting task sometimes. Having so much time away from work also has my routine somewhat disrupted. I think in a sense I am avoiding my grief. I am not feeling the extreme sadness I have in the past; now it is more like a melancholy. I miss Mark every day; reality keeps infiltrating my "fog". When I sit quietly and let it in that I don't have Mark here as a part of my everyday, I feel the emotions rise up. I don't feel it a wallowing in self-pity. I am moving forward and trying to accomplish a few things here and there. I keep a notebook and write down the things I feel are worth acknowledging. I guess I am feeling like not having the strong emotions lessens the feeling of love I have for Mark. I am also nervous about my upcoming trip. That being given the opportunity to have some closure scares me. Does that mean I have to say goodbye to Mark for good? I know I am not even close to being ready to let go of all these feelings. Is it past the time for the heavy grieving; is this still a fresh loss? It feels so much like part of me is ready to go forward, while a big part of me wants to stay right where I am. I have enough "have-to's" in my life: have to work, have to eat, have to maintain a household. I know everyone in the world have MANY have-to's. I guess my problem with them is having to DO them alone. I miss feeling joy. Perhaps that is why I just do not feel inclined to do things. It just feels like I am DOING and not ENJOYING.

I know that this holiday we are supposed to be acknowledging those who gave their life for our country...shouldn't we really do that all the time? I know we are not supposed to compare our loss to others. A loss is a loss. My wish I guess is for all those who are in need, may they feel comforted on this day.

[kayc]

Maryann,

Yes, I'd noticed your absence, so many people here and yet it's been really quiet lately. Sometimes it's like that, people withdraw and get introspective. I think it's all part of the absorption of all the changes in our lives.

We had a service yesterday morning geared around veterans, those who gave their lives or were maimed for our country. Last night was more about Passover.

I hope you are able to relax a bit today with having a day off and it relieves some of the stress so you can just enjoy your young doggies...I know how demanding taking care of animals can be, but also so rewarding.

I do hear you in what you are saying, I feel the same way about missing the joy of having George around. If he was here we'd undoubtedly be camping.

[Froggie4635]

Tonight in Houston, Jimmy Buffett is performing. Mark was the ultimate Parrothead and I know he will have a great seat at the show. I wrote Jimmy Buffett an email way back when to tell him about Mark and how big a fan he was. I asked if there was a chance if he could dedicate a song for Mark. I never heard back, but in my heart the show is in his honor.

I haven't been crying as much lately; but then I have been hiding. I don't seem to want to do anything, just sit. I'm not even really excited about my trip; more nervous about it. I guess maybe I am getting adjusted to the ache of losing Mark. Can it really be almost 6 months since he is gone? Life does go on...obviously. I'm not sure if there is anything more to say about it. I still feel sad, and alone. More and more the reality is sinking in; perhaps the reason I want to just not think about it. I am functioning, going to work, getting through the day. It sounds like I am wallowing...am I?

[MartyT]

Maryann, my dear, I would not consider what you are experiencing as "wallowing." You say yourself that "more and more the reality is sinking in" and I think that is accurate. You are barely six months into your loss, and it will take a long time ~ a lifetime, really ~ for you to learn how to adjust to this new and different life of yours. If you are functioning, going to work and getting through the day, it seems to me that you are doing well. Does that mean that you no longer miss Mark's physical presence in your life, or that you are "happy" with the way your life is now? Of course not. But it does mean that you are moving forward, slowly and steadily. Allow yourself to be exactly where you are, without worrying about whether you are "wallowing." ♥

[Froggie4635]

Thank you, Marty. I have always been hard on myself, and I expect so much from myself. I know I am a strong person. But what you say is true. I am not HAPPY with my life the way it is now. I am proud that I haven't let all that has happened make me scared of everything. I know I couldn't function that way. I try not to think too far in advance, and allow myself to worry about what might be. When emotions happen, I feel my feelings. I know Mark would be proud of me. I miss his strength in tough times; his shoulder to lean on. There is no one that can replace that and it is a HUGE empty space. Sometimes the things I am feeling are beyond the words to explain them.

[kayc]

No it's not wallowing...if it was then we'd all be guilty of it. I've heard it said that the six month mark is the hardest for many of us because that's when reality seems to sink in. It's good not to think about the future unduly, keep taking it a day at a time. Of course mark is proud of you!

How's the rain/flooding?

[Froggie4635]

Well, I am getting ready for my trip this weekend. My furbabies will be staying with a friend starting tonight, and it will be the first time I will be in the house all alone since Mark died. They have always been a big distraction for me, and tonight I won't have it. I still need to pack and get everything in order, and I leave very early in the morning. I'm filled with all kinds of feelings. It's a big step outside my comfort zone. I know I will be okay, and probably anticipating too much. But I have found that things outside my "new normal" can cause waves. I know once I get in the car to the airport, I will be okay.