How Long In The Fog?

[kayc]

Marty, that's a helpful article...the last part could have been written by me. I made it through cleaning my husband's car out to sell, and when the closet rod broke (with his clothes on it), I was able to fold them and box them up to give away later, but cleaning out his trailer that he lived in during the week (near his job) was super, super hard. I pushed myself because I wanted to give it to the guy that sold his car for me so they could enjoy it over the summer, but later I realized I'd pushed myself too hard. You could hear my wails a block away! I should have at least had someone there with me, helping me.

We have to learn to be gentler, kinder with ourselves, not expect so much of ourselves so early on.

[kayc]

Maryann,

I wish your birthday was better but I understand. Keeping his chest of drawers WOULD "keep it in the family"! You can't get much more "family" than YOU!

[Froggie4635]

I came out the other side this morning; feeling okay to face the world. Yesterday was VERY hard. It made me miss Mark even more if that is possible. I staved off invitations for dinner last night. I wanted to be alone. It is easier to feel the love from everyone this morning and I will make sure that they all know how very much I appreciated their effort yesterday. As I blew out my candles and made the wish I know won't come true, those closest to me know what that wish was and knew I was making the effort to try and be "normal". Last night when I was sitting alone, I could hear a voice that said "I love you, honey".

[kayc]

I'm glad you felt that connection with him last night...that is the best possible birthday present.

We had something at my church on my "first birthday w/o George" and I was surrounded by people...and never felt so alone. No one, absolutely no one called or said "Happy Birthday" to me, it was such a stark contrast to how it would have been if George was there, I cried myself to sleep. Yes, these days can be harder because we just miss them more, which we didn't think possible. This place was the only place where people "got it" and seemed to care/understand.

In years since, my best friend lost her husband and we've had each other to talk to and relate to, but now she's moved away so I'm alone again, but good news, another friend is moving back from AK! I'm so excited. She won't be in the same town, but she'll only be 1 1/4 hours away.

I'm glad you're feeling better today. It's hard to know what to say under the circumstances..."Happy Birthday" seems to ring hollow when you know it's everything but.

[shalady]

It is amazing how we can be in a room filled with people and feel so all alone. The word itself if a terrible word now... alone....

Shalady

[Froggie4635]

I understand the alone part. Before I got married I was alone a good deal of the time, but I was okay with it. Then I met Mark and that feeling of having someone to be with, to share with, to look to for strength in hard times, to laugh with became my world. I could be alone anywhere and not be alone because I had someone who loved me so much that even when he wasn't there, he was there. How is that different now? I am still enveloped in his love; I just can't see him. I know there are so many people out there who are going through the same thing, and I share their pain. I am so sad that the part of my life that I loved the most is over; I didn't get enough time with him; there is still so much love to give and share with him. The things we won't get to do together, no more moments to gaze into his eyes...something that gave me such peace. How will I find it again?

[kayc]

I was just talking with Mitch about this yesterday, how we were alone much of our lives before we met our soulmate, and we were okay with it, used to it, but after their deaths, "alone" took on a different meaning. Now it's a reminder that they're gone and of all we're missing.

Maryann, you will find peace again, but life won't be the same without Mark in it. My life is very peaceful, albeit alone, I no longer do the things I did with George, I no longer have someone to share in life with...meals are eaten alone, movies are watched alone, walks are with Arlie instead of George. I do thank God for my animals because it would be way harder to do life without them.

[Froggie4635]

Well, I have decided to go to the Easter get together at Mark's sister's house. I am not sure what emotions that will bring about, but I haven't seen most of his family since Mark's service. I don't expect much fuss to be paid to me, since there will be a new baby. There is a wedding next weekend, and I won't be attending that. I'm trying to stay busy today, because weekends are the hardest; I am continuing to put things up on the walls, and think about Mark as I do. He always told me that if I were to die first that he wouldn't be able to stay in this house, because I was everywhere. Well, I can say the same. I loved being around his energy; it was like I was addicted to it. I know I brought him happiness, because I could feel it anytime I was around him. We also reveled in watching each other find joy in our individual likes. When we were together in a room, there wasn't anyplace else in the world we wanted to be. When I begin to let in the idea of never having that feeling again, my bottom lip begins to quiver. How can I think about a life without him? Wasn't it just yesterday we found each other? Didn't we just get married? Didn't we just buy this house? Didn't I just see him standing in the bathroom the morning he died? Four months has done nothing to ease that feeling? I know I will survive this; what are my other options? I know Mark would want me to be happy and to find something that will bring it. But this feeling of being lost is so overwhelming. Being Mark's wife was my world. We didn't care about riches, or keeping up with the Jones; that wasn't who we (are) were. Things were simple; now everything is just gone.

[mittam99]

I understand the alone part. Before I got married I was alone a good deal of the time, but I was okay with it. Then I met Mark and that feeling of having someone to be with, to share with, to look to for strength in hard times, to laugh with became my world. I could be alone anywhere and not be alone because I had someone who loved me so much that even when he wasn't there, he was there. How is that different now? I am still enveloped in his love; I just can't see him. I know there are so many people out there who are going through the same thing, and I share their pain. I am so sad that the part of my life that I loved the most is over; I didn't get enough time with him; there is still so much love to give and share with him. The things we won't get to do together, no more moments to gaze into his eyes...something that gave me such peace. How will I find it again?

Everything you said mirrors how I feel. Thank you for putting it into words.

I think another thing that makes it harder to go back to life alone is the age factor (at least for me). I was a lifelong bachelor when I met and fell in love with Tammy at 44 years old. And of course she made my world a much better, happier place. She gave me something I never experienced before... unconditional love. I'll be 60 in May and the idea of living into my "golden years" without Tammy seems very dismal.

[Froggie4635]

Mitch,

I'm not sure if I posted it anywhere,but this was the first marriage for both of us. We were 47 when we married and had been married just short of 6 years. Mark told me he was resigned to being alone until we met.

[kayc]

It wasn't our first marriage, but for sure we were soul mates and we had never experienced what we had together, before. He was 51 and I 52 when he died. It took me years but I finally got used to the idea of spending my not-so-golden years alone...I talk to him all the time, people would think I was batty if they heard me but I don't care. It isn't what we had planned, that's for sure! I try to enjoy what good there is but it sure changed everything for all of us!

[Froggie4635]

Just got home from Mark's family Easter get together. I was doing okay when I got there; there wasn't a lot going on. When Mark's sister Jenny came with her new baby, my emotions took over. I was looking at this baby and thinking it was the one child he wasn't going to get to hold. As the afternoon went on, and each sibling showed up, my emotions came out. There was a new tradition started for the kids; they have a pinyata. Mark would have been out there with the kids carrying on as much as they did. I could hear them from inside the house, and the tears rolled down my face. I felt terrible for being so emotional; I'm not good around kids anyway, but I always did it for Mark because he loved his nieces and nephews, and being around his siblings. It was just one of those things that made me feel his absence so much. I could always walk up behind him and put my arms around him. I used to secretly like to watch him interact with his brothers; he was SO ALIVE. How can he be gone?

[kayc]

Maryann,

That was how I felt when George died...he had so much zest for life, how could he just "not be" any more? Of course, I realize he IS even now, just not HERE like I wish.

You shouldn't feel bad for feeling bad, how could you NOT feel as you do! I'm sorry...

[Froggie4635]

This morning, I got on my knees to talk with God. I wanted to thank Him for bringing Mark into my life. I also asked Him to stand with me while I hurt. I finished with my counselor yesterday; she is retiring, but has already started working on connecting me with a new counselor. I continue to read everything I can get my hands on. I feel blessed that I don't have other issues to deal with (healthiest). I continue to wait on resolution to the car loan insurance claim, but I believe it is close because I was told it was with the underwriter. Crossing fingers...my faith in insurance is VERY low.

I am sorry for all the hardships that my friends here continue to face. I do what I can each day to take steps forward.

[enna]

Maryann,

Taking those steps forward is healing. We learn to accept where we are and be OK with it.

Anne

[Froggie4635]

Is a rainy day here in Houston. This is the weekend of the wedding of our nephew Matthew. Yesterday when I was out running errands with his mom, I wanted to go to this little gift shop, just to look and see if there were any small items I could add to my wall collage. Well, there was this wall hanging and when I saw it, I started to cry. It was fashioned out of wood strips and on it was painted, "Being someone's first love may be great, but to be their last is beyond perfect. There is a place in the middle to tack on a picture. I went today and bought that piece. I know it is something Mark would have liked the look of, and I will tack up a picture from our wedding...where he is looking at me as we are saying our vows and the look on his face just says it all. I've spent the day going through some of my things to give to a friend who is moving in with her boyfriend. It is keeping me busy and allowing me to get some much needed spring cleaning done.

My eyes fill with tears when I think of the life we found in this house. He is everywhere in this house. I miss him so very much.

[kayc]

I'm glad you bought that, you will find comfort in it every time you look at it. Where are you hanging it?

You're a sweet friend to take time out to look for things they could use.

[Froggie4635]

Kay, I am hanging it in the bedroom with a pic from our wedding.

[kayc]

[Dew's Girl]

I completely understand what you mean about being in a fog.

For me, it's like I am in a bubble filled with water. Everything happens so much more slowly like walking against the tide and it's hard to breathe, while those around me are going about their lives at a normal pace. I feel that there is an invisible barrier separating me from everyone around me and looking out is distorted.

I found your other posts really poignant. It's in the normal, every day things like going to a family gathering or shopping where I really feel the most out of sorts. I see the vacant space where Daniel isn't as more vivid than the rest of the scene. Everything else is a bit hazy.

My heart goes out to you as you move through the days without Mark.

-Amy

[Froggie4635]

Amy,

Some days and some events point out Mark's absence so very much. As I told my counselor again and again, it feels like the rest of the world is on fast-forward. How can it be 4 months that Mark is gone, when it feels like I have barely budged. I know I am in a better place than I was the day Mark died, but it doesn't make the grief any easier. I function. I smile and yes, sometimes I laugh. But I don't feel the joy. I LOVE my three furbabies, and they give me so much comfort. But it isn't like before. I understand that I have to accept that I will never be that person again. I know I was a whole person before I met Mark, but he changed that when I met him. I am still Maryann, but a different Maryann. I now truly understand the fragility of life...I've seen it. **snap finger** Gone in an instant. I grieve and mourn the passing of my husband, my rock, my very best friend. Tears still fall when I type these words. One step at a time.

[Froggie4635]

I found myself awake this morning at 1:30, and I couldn't quiet my mind. I came home, had a little food and laid down, fell asleep and woke up thinking it was morning and for a few seconds thought I was late to get ready for work. My brain has been like Swiss cheese since yesterday when I changed my schedule to get blood work done. I am anticipating a visit from family on Friday. Some days are still so exhausting.

[Dew's Girl]

Waking up like that is the worst! I hope you get some better rest tonight.

[kayc]

I know all too well, I hope it goes better tonight!

[Froggie4635]

Do people think they are doing good by telling me that Mark wouldn't want to see me sad? Last night I watched "Ghost". I see it from a different perspective. At the end, when Sam presented himself to Molly, I cried and said, "I wish I could see Mark". I'm looking around my house, seeing what I have been doing to be busy...putting things on the walls, trying to stay connected to Mark. I look at this house we bought together, and the happiness and peace it brought Mark. I want to honor him in whatever way possible. I'm not ready to think about what the future holds. Is that wrong? The future I wanted is gone; all the dreams we had, plans we talked about. Four months ago I had a husband, and a life I cherished. Am I wallowing? Should I not feel upset when I see people taking for granted the relationship they have? I would give anything to be able to go back in time and once again be a wife. The light is missing in my days.