How Long In The Fog?

[debi.williams]

Gwenivere, SO true 'never in a million years could I have imagined this' ......No part of me ever allowed myself to even think I would have to live a day without him. Keep seeing him as 40 Gwenivere. Our bodies grow older but our minds and souls don't necessarily follow, thank goodness.Like Steve, my husband always said 'I want to be with you forever' and so he was, for his earthly forever. x

Brad, your last sentence is the one that nails it. We have to all figure out HOW to live without them. There's the mountain he are trying to climb in flip flops. x

[Froggie4635]

Haven't written in a while.  The days just seem to get away from me, but doesn't seem like I do all that much.  This past week brought some work stress, and I handled it fine THERE, but by the time I got home, I crashed almost instantly.  Must have been something going around, because I, too, took a tumble last Sunday...still hobbling around on my ankle, but for the most part I made it through unscathed.  I guess I am trying to prepare myself for the coming weeks.  I try not to worry or think about it. but Thanksgiving looms on the horizon.  We always went to Mark's sisters house...and it is no small event.  I bet I can count about at least 50 people come each year...and that seems to stay constant throughout the whole time.  I get tired spending a few hours with one person, what are that many people going to do to me?  Also, Mark's birthday is December 2 and the anniversary of his death is December 4.  I am taking the entire time from Thanksgiving through that whole week after.  I will meet with my new therapist on Wednesday.  Right now I just feel void of any feelings...numb.  Won't be long now, and night will be here. 

[Guest]

Maryann -

You have the trifecta (or is it quadfecta with Christmas) of anniversaries hitting you in a very short time.  Know many will be pulling for you.

[Gwenivere]

I understand, Maryanne.  I have 6 events to get thru from the end if October thru January.  Holidays, birthdays, wedding anniversary and the anniversary of Steve's death.  I've gotten thru 2, thus next week should wipe out 2 more.  Glad you found a therapist.  I really depend on my grief counsellor.  It's so very hard having to wade thru these occasions alone.

[kayc]

Maryann,

I hope you don't feel like you HAVE to go.  Tell them you aren't feeling well (you're not and no explanations are necessary).  Time enough to face that crown when you have a year under your belt.  I'm glad you're seeing your therapist Wednesday, I hope you talk to him/her about it.  You really have a lot of significant dates coming up, I can imagine you'd like to fast forward past them.

Gwenivere, you too, my heart goes out to you guys.  

I don't like spending holidays alone, it is a huge reminder of what I'm missing with George gone.  I was supposed to go to my son's Thanksgiving but there's a bad storm coming in beforehand and we'll have snow beforehand and it'll be in the teens, which means a solid sheet of ice...I'm not wanting to risk my life just to enjoy the holiday.  The caution inside of me is saying to wait a couple of weeks, we'll see how it plays out.  

[Froggie4635]

Here I sit in front of my computer, feeling alone and facing the day I have been dreading.  I am running out of hours to look back and see my husband still alive.  This time last year, we were with his mom celebrating a belated birthday...because Mark spent his actual birthday helping me set up for a staff luncheon.  I am trying to not allow myself to think tomorrow will bring some sort of "awakening"...a breaking of the fog.  I am not ready to let go.  I am avoiding television; I feel I should be writing in my journal, but my brain is blank.  I will be attending a mass in his honor early in the morning.  I know the day holds no mystical power, but I feel like I am crossing some threshold.  I tried to go on one of the memorial websites, but filling out all the information was too much like filling in another obituary, and it was too overwhelming.  I have been strong this whole year, wearing my brave face.  Tomorrow scares me.

[Guest]

Oh Maryanne- 

know that many will be sending you hugs tomorrow. 

[MartyT]

And tonight as well . . .

[Gwenivere]

Maryanne, the anniversary is tough.  Heart wrenching.  How can it not be?  With everyone here, I also will keep you in my thoughts.  

[kayc]

Maryanne, my heart is with you today, you're in my prayers.

[Froggie4635]

I try to write in times when I am feeling positive...but it seems most times it is in times of sorrow I seem to post.  I do have some days, more so, that I don't feel so devastated.  Perhaps I have figured out how to get through the days by keeping the sadness out.  But sometimes when I get an email from a friend and she hurts for me, and wishes to some day have a love like Mark and I had, it starts my tears.  I guess I just try so hard to not think about him all the time, and try so hard to not be grieving that I forget that I AM grieving.  I truly think that the shock and fog are really disappearing, and I am faced with the loss unprotected.  I know I keep myself from thinking about the years to come without Mark.  Without the fog, it is harder to fight that.  My emotions feel so raw and it is like the whole year never happened; I'm back to square one. 

[MartyT]

Maryann, my dear, such is the nature of grief. As the fog lifts, we see everything more clearly. This is not the same as going backward, and even though it feels like you're back to square one, you're still moving forward. This is one of the most difficult times of the year for those who are immersed in the sorrow of loss. Instead of fighting your grief, give yourself permission to give in to whatever you need to feel right now, and know that this, too, will pass. You have come this far and you will keep going ~ but sometimes you need to stop and take time to rest. It does not mean that you will never get up again. You are making progress and you will keep going, I promise. For now, sit down. Rest. Breathe . . .  ♥

[scba]

dear Maryanne, some days the brave mask gets very heavy and we need to rest, allow the emotions of grief to come and go. This is maybe one of those days for you. Be kind with yourself.

 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

 I truly think that the shock and fog are really disappearing, and I am faced with the loss unprotected.  I know I keep myself from thinking about the years to come without Mark.  Without the fog, it is harder to fight that.  My emotions feel so raw and it is like the whole year never happened; I'm back to square one. 

I hear ya, sister!  I remember when this happened to me about 2 months before the year anniversary.  I frantically contacted my counselor in a panic.  Every defense I had disappeared and the reality roared in with vicious pain.  I thought this is it, what I dreaded, I am truly losing my mind.  I had no idea that I was still being 'protected' in some way all those 10 months beyond the normal shock.  When the walls fell it was the worst I ever felt and I had no idea it could get worse.  

Since then it has become a tougher struggle.  I can't push it away.  The more I try, the more it pushes back and wins.  I think this another part of the path.  It was bound to happen that the reality would truly hit about what this means for the rest of our lives on this plane without our loves.  I can't not think about the rest of my life without Steve anymore.  It is the first and last thought of every day.  I, too, had a couple days I thought I was doing OK send hit before bed last night.  Sobbing myself to sleep.  

I had been trying to write in my journal recently to describe this part of the process without much luck.  Words are so limiting when it comes to expressing the heart.  All I could come up with is a war between my mind and my emotions.  The mind wants a reason so it can find a solution.  It won't rest about it.  Always seeking.  The heart wants it too, but seems to get that there is none.  My mind has never faced a problem it couldn't solve or resolve in some manner that I could carry on, so it is fighting this big time and taking me with it.  My heart just wants to accept that this pain will be here forever and try to adapt to that knowing there is no solution and it will be broken forever.  But the war keeps making new wounds.  New fears.  The mind becomes so relenting at times, it is them my heart says let's just give up and end this.  I think about death too much because of this.  I am more attuned to those who have their partners.  I am so aware of time now.  It's like slow motion passing.  A day takes forever just to lead into another one to repeat.  

I'm sorry to write this because I know this will  not ease what you are feeling.  But you are not alone.  Little solace, I know.  But knowing I am not alone keeps my sanity in check.  One thing I do know is I am not back to square one.  Just into another and a bit skittish about the next.  There is always the chance it might be just a little better.  That keeps me going.

 

[Guest]

Gwenivere - I do not want to minimize what you are going through by any means.  What you are feeling is real and painful and a struggle.  I just wanted to say that from my perspective I am seeing positive growth and I really am hoping to be where you are in another nine months.  I believe if you go back through some of your posts you will see what I am writing about.  You may not be where you want to be and some of the new things are disheartening but you also offer sage advice and compassion to those of us who are not as far along as you are.  You are giving us comfort and hope and I thank you for that.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Brad.  You made my day and considering what we are all living thru, there is no greater gift.  

[kevin]

Gwen, you wrote a sentence there that actually sums up this forum "But knowing I am not alone keeps my sanity in check"......such truth and clarity.......And Brad, without the knowledge and sharing from this group ,I know I would still  be a basket case with a continuous hangover. I definitely am looking at things progressing forward ..Now, with that said, why am I still up at this hour?......have a good Christmas Eve

[Guest]

Kevin - I do hate looking at the time stamps; they tell a story of grief laden insomnia. Here's wishing you a modicum of peace and possible joy for the next couple of days.  Enjoy a taste of Capn Morgan.  For me I've settled on Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog - a favorite of mine.  Will need to forgo the med for a night.

[Gwenivere]

I could really blow your minds with time stamps since I go to bed about 4:30am.  It's where Steve's and my body clocks settled into.  I wouldn't have a clue of what to do before noon.    Insomnia can hit anytime.  Sometimes I wake up around 10 and even tired my mind kicks in with racing thoughts.   If only it were tamable.  

[Froggie4635]

I will report that my anticipation of a very sad Christmas didn't materialize.  I went into it feeling pressured and asked to be "merry" and I felt I was holding on to the sadness.  If I felt merry, I was somehow not being faithful to my grief.  But, it turned out to very warm and wonderful.  It was overwhelming as all family gatherings are with Mark's family...he has 9 brother and sisters and many nieces and nephews...but it was nice to be around people who loved Mark...and who love me.  His sister thanked me for the gift I bought her girls.  It made me feel good, and loved because each girl came and hugged me and thanked me.  It was wonderful to see the smiles on their faces.  It felt good to let go of the sadness, if only for a little while.  The night ended with a gift from his other sister.  She had collected shirts from Mark's mom that belonged to their father, and one that was Mark's...one that I chose and gave to her.  She had them turned into pillows, and presented them to each of us.  I couldn't keep back the tears.  Last night, I put some of his cologne on it, and slept with that pillow.  I know anticipating how the holiday was going to make me feel was guiding everything up until that point.  Being amongst so much love helped make it turn out very special.  I know there are still hard days ahead, but I am glad that I went.  I would like to think that Mark was smiling down on us...or standing amongst us and feeling all the love.

[kayc]

Oh Maryanne, how wonderful of his sister to do that!  I'm sure that pillow will be one of your most prized possessions and you will treasure it for years to come!

I had such a rough week leading up to Christmas, nothing but hardship and things going wrong, I remember calling the electric company to again report the third outage I'd had that week for lasting duration, and the guy on the other end sounded canned like he was reading from a script, and he sounded unfeeling and uncaring and I burst into tears and exclaimed, "This is going to be the worst Christmas ever!" (to which I had no response).  It takes a lot to upset me, I usually take things in stride and handle them, but I'd just had a belly full!  But as it turned out, it was nice, I went to a potluck with a neighbor, then my kids called and said they were going to try to come (the roads had been horrid all week), and I cooked up a storm, finishing just as they walked in the door.  We had a great evening together before they left.

I really do think people need to listen to their hearts and give themselves what they need the most, whether permission to stay home and do nothing or to go be with others, but it should be what WE want,not what others pressure us into or think we should do.

[little bird]

Froggie,  I have been reading your posts and finally felt compelled to respond because my husband's name was also Mark, I too live in Houston, and I too have a dog name Annie. My Mark died of cancer 6 months ago at age 63. Like you we thought that we had many more years together ahead of us. Unlike you, however, we had a warning and we knew he only had a few months left to live.  I was able to talk to him about our life together, about how we both felt about his dying , and to tell him how much I loved him.   I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you to have had your Mark snatched away so suddenly and so unexpectedly.  Our pain and grief feels similar I'm sure, but different too.  You have a job and I'm retired.  Sometimes I think if I were working this grieving would be much easier  because it would force me to get out of my house and it would force me to be around other people and would force me not to think so much about my loss.  But I don't know if that's true; it's just that the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence.   I don't think there's really any softer, easier way through this pain. It's simply one day at a time. This is a great forum. I've just begun reading it and posting to it and I've already found tremendous wisdom and solace here.  By the way  i'm so sorry that your little Annie is no longer with you.  My Annie sends you warm woofs  from her heart.   little bird

[Guest]

Little Bird

Welcome to the forum, but I'm so sorry you have reason to be here. I lost my wife five months ago to cancer. For a while I was envious of those who lost spouses unexpectedly as it was so hard to watch someone you love go bit by bit. But, like you, I've decided that it is painful regardless of the circumstances.   I retired to become a full time caregiver and once Deedo passed I was grieving not only her death but the loss of my job. I did not know what to do with myself. I was glad that I didn't have to go to work because I was such a mess but I didn't want to be at home either. Now I'm okay with being at home but I still am not very good at doing much of anything. I'm hoping some day I'll be better at doing constructive projects. 

I hope you find solace and support here. I have. There are wonderful people with much experience to share. 

[kayc]

little bird, what a lot of coincidences you have with Maryanne (Froggie)!

I'm glad I had a job to go to when my husband died, even though it was hard to work when I couldn't think straight, you're right, it forced me...but then I lost it and being under pressure to find a new one within six months was tough and I had to do it again and then the last time I decided to just throw in the towel.  Now I'm glad to be home and not have to go through the rat race.

[Guest Janka]

Little bird,

I´m also so sorry for the loss you have in your life!I really hope that you can find a lot of comfort,support and understanding on this board full of people knowing what you´re going through.

Please,take care!

Janka