How Long In The Fog?

[Froggie4635]

I find myself trying to stop from sinking into a grief low. I seem to be having a difficult time, more so than before with the hot temps here in Texas. It is making me exhausted, which makes me cranky and irritable, which bring my emotions to the surface and it's hard to keep the tears under control. Sunday morning I woke up feeling such peace, and now that is completely gone. A friend of mine came and told me yesterday that her husband is divorcing her. My heart hurts for her; she is such a good person. I know I am not just feeling sorry for myself or being melodramatic; these emotions are real and the pain just doesn't seem to go away for long enough a period of time.

[kayc]

Maryann,

It's to be expected that you will experience a myriad of emotions, ups and downs. Appreciate the ups and try to take the downs in stride, it's about all we can do. I'm sorry about your friend. A friend of mine, her husband left her and filed for divorce, they've been married over 35 years and he's been drinking lately, left rehab, left the state, ditched his contracting business. I don't understand that, but it's left her having to deal with it, one day at a time. All I can assure her is that God will be with her and supply her needs and I definitely believe that. My kids' dad divorced me after 23 years, had it over and done with within one month, wiped me out financially, even stole the fund we had set aside to buy my son a pickup...oh and promised MY pickup to our son without discussing with me! I don't know what causes people to do these things.

[scba]

Maryann,

I can relate to what you're feeling, I'm 10 months on my journey (too short...but it feels like years) and there are better days and other when you feel just as you said: sinking. The fact that we deal with some many different emotions we probably never experienced before (from being fine to rage, from peace and then to tears) is very tiring. But we must believe that things will get better, not in the way better was used to be with our husbands next to us, but "better" in a different way.

My advice: don't control your tears, let them come and let them go. They heal. I know that our culture want us to be "strong" but I learnt that tears are helpful. I restrain them because I don't want to upset my parents, but I cry a river every time I go to counseling. And I feel "better" afterwards. Tired, but relieved.

[iPraiseHim]

I call it my grief roller-coaster. Sometimes up and sometimes down. Just when I think I'm doing okay... WHAM. I just take it one day at a time. And try to let go of my expectations.Ive been working extra long hours and days this week and will next week. My body is screaming in pain but I know I'm alive. Listening to John Grays book, "Mars and Venus starting over." Some very practical steps. He talks about just feel the feelings. Live in the present and deal with it. It's the third time I've read it He gives some practical steps on working on grief. People just say stuff that hurts without really trying. Consider the source. Hang in there, hold on and keep on moving forward in life. Shalom

[kayc]

When I was working at Metro, John Gray was one of our clients, he's very nice.

I think you're so right to take a day at a time and let go of expectations. I hope you can get some relief from your pain!

[Froggie4635]

I finished reading "Figuring Sh*t Out". I wish I could focus more on what I hope for, rather than what I deal with. This morning my mother-in-law talked of her son sending out an email to his brothers about the tools that are in her garage; all the saws and sanders that Mark used to go over and use when he did his woodworking. One of them was left to Mark; but what would I do with a table saw. She talked about wanting to keep it all as it is, but knows that it is no good for such tools to go without being used. I can understand. Early on, I sent out many an email offering some of Mark's things to his siblings, but no one seems to want to come and look them over and accept them. I am now getting to the place where I no longer want to let go of things that were his. I know they won't bring him back; I would give ANYTHING for that. Mark was so closely connected to his dad; getting rid of those big tools tugs at my heart too. Mark spent many an evening or weekend day in that garage working on something for me, or for a family member or something to make a little money on the side. The farther along this journey goes, the harder it is to not look back and try and hold on.

[kayc]

I hope his siblings will make use of his tools, it'd be a shame to let them just sit and go to waste. George had a lot of tools (he was a welding fabricator) but his job gave them to a coworker (illegally) and my son drove 150 mile round trip to pick them up for nothing. Thousands of dollars' worth. George wanted them to go to my son. He had some at home, but not nearly as much, and I've let my son have what he wanted.

The personal items were harder for me. I gave his clothes to Sponsors, I knew he would want them to go there, he was always concerned for the down and outers. It was very painful getting rid of his trailer and car. I gave my son our travel trailer to use with his wife, he didn't take it until a year ago, it was much too painful for me to go inside of it, George and I had many wonderful times in it. I'm glad it's getting used.

I cried when I sold his Leatherman (I was out of work and needed the money badly), even though it'd sat unused for years. I can relate to your not wanting to part with his things. I don't want to get rid of anything else I have left (his fishing vest, dressy vest, a knit hat, his bathrobe) but most of his things are gone now.

[Froggie4635]

Today is a bittersweet day. It is my 13th year anniversary where I work. I have seen a lot and been through a lot in the past 13 years. I have seen some very special people come and go. I have always given my best here, and worked hard and achieved a lot. When I made the move to the accounting department, I had Mark backing me up. I love all the people I work with; it is like a big family. I don't have as many bad days at work as I did right after Mark died, and that says a lot for my progress along my journey. It doesn't mean that I don't think about him an enormous amount when I am at work. Sometimes I take a few minutes and just let my mind not think about anything; just zone out. I no longer notice that my phone doesn't ring around lunch time, He was always so proud of me; my biggest cheerleader and so good for my ego. He also knew how much everyone here respects me, and comes to me when they need help. I started here when I was 40; now I know why my 40's were the happiest time of my life. Now, my 50's have a different feel. There is a big empty spot now. I do enjoy my job, but the joy isn't as BIG now.

[kayc]

Maryann,

I can relate to what you say. The job I had when George died was my favorite job and he was my biggest cheerleader too. Those were the happiest years of my life, being married to him and having that job. Shortly after he died it went out of business, it was early recession and I was worried I wouldn't land another job in time (they gave six months unemployment back then). I did get another job, the worst job of my life. I am thankful to have that behind me now.

The 50s were challenging for me...I was 52 when George died. It was a hard time, but I'm hoping 60s will prove better for me...for you too. You still have a lot of 50s to go through, but you're making progress, and thank God you still have your job. I think it can be a lifesaver when it's a good supportive environment.

[enna]

I think emotions play a big part of our journey whether we are in early grief or if the loss was a long time ago, Maryann. When we love someone and then they are gone there is an emptiness. We break when someone offers a kind word or a hug. These are triggers that send us into emotional turmoil. It is what happens when there is great love. I found that to allow the emotion helps me in the long run. I have cried in front of a mirror and looked so terrible that I started to laugh. I think we have all had such experiences. Sometimes I talk to my Jim and get very animated. It helps to release the emotion.

Anne

[Froggie4635]

My aunt passed yesterday, and I have touched base with family back home. I keep hearing this voice that says, "Go". I know I need to be able to give support for my cousins in their loss, but perhaps I also need to be amongst family to continue on my grief journey. I have had the wonderful support of Mark's family and my family at work. But I have had no real physical contact with my family since Mark passed. Part of me really needs that, and perhaps it is Mark nudging me to seek that comfort. My aunt represents the final sister on my mom's side of the family and it deserves my respects.

[kayc]

Maryann, I am sorry your aunt passed. Hopefully it will be good to be surrounded by family and you can comfort each other in your losses.

[Froggie4635]

It appears that my aunt did not want to have a service. She was directly cremated and her ashes will be placed with my uncles at a later time. It is another one of those times when a difficult decision was taken out of my hands, and I am thankful for that. I will think about a trip home when the weather has cooled down. I am REALLY struggling this year. The hot weather makes everything harder to bear.

[kayc]

It does make it simpler decision-wise. We're going back up to 100 this week, I hate the heat.

[Froggie4635]

Today is 8 months that Mark has been gone. I still shake my head in disbelief. Yesterday, I received a card from the Lions Eye Bank of Texas about the donation that was made of Mark's corneas. I am not sure if it means his were used, or that they are just getting around to sending an acknowledgment of the donation. As I said this morning to my MIL, "this has been the fastest 8 months I have ever witnessed". It really only feels like a few weeks. It just shows me that life does truly go on, whether we are ready for that or not. Where does my life stand 8 months out? I am able to laugh at some things, I don't cry as frequently as when it first happened. I still feel somewhat muffled and like everything is going in slow motion. I have my routine and very rarely deviate from it. I spend time with friends and family, but not ready for any serious entertaining. I have a picture on my desk here at work of us taking our first dance the day we got married, and the expression on my face is complete happiness. That is gone. And it is like a knife in my heart. There isn't much more than that I can elaborate on. I no longer wait for him to come walking through the door, or out to the backyard to join me on the swing. Does that mean acceptance? What choice do I really have? I try and reach out to help and comfort others in the same boat as I; just so they know that they are heard. Sometimes I think I take my loss lighter than others in my life, the ones who think I am being so strong. I LOOK strong, not the long-suffering widow. But in reality, I am NOT strong...fragile is the word I would use. I am not afraid, but I don't really step out of my safe place too often. I am told it takes courage to continue onward. I love Mark, and I continue on because I know he would want me to and it is the only real option. But it is merely going along; the light and joy are not present. I know I should be thankful for the time I had with Mark; I'm not. I wanted more; still want more. He brought me love freely and it filled my days. And I reveled in it, and gave it back. I wrapped myself in it and it made facing the world so much better. I waited SO LONG to have it and NEVER ONCE took it for granted. That is why I did so much to create a truly wonderful wedding day; I wanted EVERYONE to feel it, to understand just how wonderful love can be and to celebrate it every single day. You don't think about the end of love on the day you wed. You promise to love each other until death do you part, but don't think that can happen. Mark loved me passionately and deeply to the end of his days, and now I will keep my vow and love him until the end of mine.

[Suitearia]

Maryann I feel the same way. Ric was my second marriage (the first ended in divorce due to domestic abuse). At this point in my grief I just cannot imagine having another relationship. I just don't want to go through all the "getting to know you stuff" again. I would like to use what time I have left to leave a positive imprint on the world; to find my soul's true purpose and and then put that into action.

In mid July I got a letter from the "Living Memorial Program" that Fred Hunter Funeral Home had made a request on our behalf that a tree seedling be planted in a national forest to serve as memorial for Ric. That really touched me ... "The significance of a unique life is symbolized with the planting of a tree". The letter said that to date 13 million trees had been planted as living memorials.

[kayc]

Our wedding day was the happiest day of our lives, and it shows pure blissfulness in our picture as we are gazing at each other. I will never forget that moment as long as I live.

[Froggie4635]

Been really feeling out of sorts last couple weeks.  I have been blaming the steroids I have been taking for my hand, but I think it goes deeper than that.  I just keep feeling like the other shoe is going to drop for some reason.  It's been over 8 months now and I would think I would begin to see some sort of lightness.  Don't get me wrong, I have found things funny, and can involve myself in something that has nothing to do with death, grief or sadness trying to be normal.  I still feel numb. Could I still be shell-shock from the whole experience?  Maybe I am just tired of the heat, and feel it keeps me from doing so much.  I am reading "Confessions of a Mediocre Widow". which is quite good and many, many times while reading it, I would say out loud, "Hey, I understand that"... or "Yeah, I know what that feeling is."  I guess I am reaching that point where I can see that it is really only going to ME from now on.  I have never had a problem being alone...but not so easy with the loneliness.  I have the furbabies, but they can't carry on a conversation or give me support when I need answers.  When you have someone there every day to talk to and to listen and to help sort things out...it makes life not very happy. 

[kayc]

I'm  sorry you're feeling this way.  I don't think we feel light any time soon, not sure I do even yet, I haven't really thought about it...I just know it's different, and always will be.  Not saying I feel depressed or anything, just not really "light" either.

I hear ya with the heat, last time I checked it was 102 here.  They'd predicted 95.

[Froggie4635]

Here I am feeling "crazy" again.  I came home yesterday feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin.  I saw a commercial for Bayer aspirin and the man talked about surviving his heart attack, and I started crying.  I know I am getting to the point where I need a break, but haven't been able to take one because we have our annual audit going on and we are all supposed to be here.  I am trying so hard to hold everything together.  I know the wrong person comes to me today and I am going to either scream or burst into tears.

 

[scba]

Dear Maryann, it's important that you acknowledge the fact that you need a pause, it's a moment to take care of yourself after the stress of an audit. Perhaps you can ask for some days off when the audit is over? Or arrange to work from home for a couple of days? 

 

[kayc]

Is there a way for you to work from home?  Maybe you can plan some time off for when the audit is over, something to look forward to.

[kevin]

MaryAnn, I found that I can accommodate the FOG with activities......I spend about 5 hours daily at a Golf Course, walking my dog, and dropping by the local Pub (3 Pint Limit now).........this routine gets changed later as I entered a Seniors Bowling League.....I truly believe the more new activities I add the lighter the FOG will become........My goal is to reduce Pub time...... 

[Froggie4635]

My brother-in-law called me yesterday to share a story.  He was feeling the presence of Mark with him.  It was good to hear from him.  I always feel so connected to Mark when I talk to his brother.  He was our best man at our wedding, and said the eulogy at Mark's service.  It was very touching.  I am also feeling nervous about a new person joining our team here at work.  Our current accounts payable person took another position in our organization, and her replacement is starting today.  This group has been my little safety net since Mark passed, and now I have to meet someone new.  Normally, it would not be a big deal.  New people start here all the time; but this is in our little circle. 

I also have another problem.  I got on the scale the other day, and I am 5 lbs short of a weight I NEVER thought I would be at, and I am scared now.  I want to be able to do all the things I did when I first moved into our house, especially when the weather gets cooler. I have not felt comfortable in my body for some time now, and I HATE it.  I know the things I need to do to change it, I have done it before.  But how do I do it now in the state of mind I am in?  Sometimes it takes all my focus to take care of my dogs, go to work and deal with life.  I am an all or nothing type person, always have been.  If I have to continue on in this life without Mark, I want to at least physically FEEL like doing it.  I am coming to realize that I did not take enough time off when Mark died.  Not sure if that has attributed to the state I am in now.

[kayc]

Maryann,

I have been trying to lose weight for nine months now.  I've been religious with it, writing down the quantities and everything I eat, calories, fat grams, careful with carbs, and yet still my goal eludes me.  The thing I've learned to focus on is not the numbers but being faithful to doing what I know I need to do for my health.  With that done, I can leave the results up to God.  It feels unfair when I'm doing my best and it seems my body isn't cooperating, but I can't worry about that.  My job is to do my best and eat healthy.  I try to stay at 1,200  calories a day.  I never realized before how much harder it is to lose weight when you get older!  

There was a time I would have told you not to worry about it, you have enough on your plate right now.  But on the other hand, if you do decide to take charge and do something about it, it might be just the thing to help you feel triumphant and in control in at least one area of your life...I know when George died, I felt like my power had been stripped from me, after all, no one had asked ME whether I wanted to lose him!  So in that respect, losing some weight can be a way of feeling like you're regaining some of that power that's been stripped from you, like you have a voice in something.  Only you can decide if THIS is the time for it or not though.

I hope the new person in your department is someone you take to and feel comfortable with right away.  Every once in a while we get one of those.