How Long In The Fog?

[Guest]

New employees cause me strife too. I know that eventually someone will say "see her, she lost her son to suicide a few months ago". I know it's inevitable, but what can I do but live with it. I am his stigma sometimes. When people dare to actually ask me about how I dealt/deal with it I have learned to answer "I focus on the thousands of good days that we shared rather than that one day." It keeps me from telling them how I actually live day to day with my heart so broken. And it reminds me of my eventual goal. God bless our coworkers that are there for us when it's rough. I seem to see them more than anyone else in my life anyhow.

[kayc]

Cindy,

What an absolutely perfect response!~and goal. 

[scba]

Today I had a first job interview. When my boyfriend died I quit my former job because I couldn't work, I was pretty bad. Today was a new challenge, I thought I was ready, I tried not to give much importance in case it went wrong. The employer asked me, why did you quit your job? I had to said the truth and I couldnt avoid few tears. Then they asked me, are you sure you are ready to go back to work? I dont know what I replied, I felt so broken inside. "But you are so young!", and so on. I wish I didn't need a job. Anyway, the interview is over, this day too. This is to say that even if Im not working at the moment, I understand the emotional struggles. Hope tomorrow will be a better day for all of us. 

[Froggie4635]

Came home not feeling well...knew I was getting a,fever. Took temp and it has gone from 99.4 to 100.7. Took some Tylenol and will see what happens.

[kayc]

scba,

You put yourself out there and that is quite an accomplishment!  I was laid off shortly after George died, the company went under (recession), and I remember those job interviews, ugh!  I tried to view them as "opportunities" but it was scary and with each rejection, it got harder and harder.  I think the wearing thing was trying to go into them with positive expression, it was draining!  Try to practice on friends/family.  Have them ask you questions and do a mock interview.  Try to hold the tears in check and have a prepared response as to "why you quit your job" so you can just parrot the answer.  I did have one interviewer that I connected with, she had lost her husband too and one never forgets what it's like...unfortunately, for the third round of interviews, a young person interviewed me and I didn't get the job.  You WILL get a job eventually, it's a matter of odds, the more you apply to, the greater your odds.  I also learned to guard myself by only looking for work every other day and on those days, go at it all day, it is more than a full time job trying to GET one!  The inbetween days, try to relax some and do something enjoyable.  On weekends, do what you'd do if you were working, maybe clean house on Sat. and on Sun. relax.  It'll happen in due time.

Maryanne, 

I am so sorry you're sick, I hope you get to feeling better soon!

[Froggie4635]

Feeling better, but drained.  Fever finally broke about 4 pm today.  Last night I cried because it was the first time that I felt ill, and Mark was not here.  He would normally handle the dogs and check on me, get me whatever I needed.  I know that I had times when I was sick before I met him; I had a hysterectomy and there was no one to really take care of me.  But when you get used to that comfort; someone to kiss your forehead or worry about you and want to make it all better...it is so hard.  And when you are already feeling in a weakened state, grief just comes out of every pore.  Sometimes I don't know how I am going to spend my life without him.  This is so hard.  All I wanted was to hear his voice or feel his touch; it ALWAYS made me feel better.  I'm having a hard time remembering his voice, and it hurts so much.  When I close my eyes, I still don't see clear images of memories, I only get bits and pieces.  I don't want to just look at pictures; I want to REMEMBER like it is REAL.  How am I supposed to get good feelings from my memories, when I CAN'T see them in my mind?  Memories aren't enough right now. 

[kayc]

I don't have any recordings of George's voice, but I remember it oh so well, and thank God it hasn't faded in my memory.  I loved his voice.

I'm sorry you're alone while you're sick, Maryann, I know how hard that is, for that's how it's been for me these last ten years.  Thinking I could have 30 more years like this...well it only serves to reaffirm my attempt to stay in the present.  I can't handle thinking about the future.

I'm glad your fever broke and hope you start feeling better.  

Just because they're gone doesn't mean it isn't real.  Their physical bodies left but their love remains...it was too strong for anything to kill it.

[Dew's Girl]

Maryann, my heart goes out to you.  I know how hard it is to go through being ill without Mark there to take care of you.  I also know what you mean about wanting more that foggy memories.  One of the things I miss most about Daniel was his hugs.  He could wrap me up in his arms and I would just feel my batteries recharging.  I have been running on empty for 8 months now.  I would give anything for 15 minutes in his arms one more time.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Amy,

Thanks for your concern.  Of course, I made it through the whole experience. And I am now no worse for wear.  Wednesday was 5 years that we had closed on our home, and I think it is the beginning of the autumn triggers.  I created a scrapbook with copies of all the wonderful letters he included in all my cards, and shared it with my MIL.  It was a part of her son she never got to see.  Oh, she knew he loved me deeply, but it was a way for her to see the transition he made from almost stranger to loving husband.  I miss that so much; seeing the husband he became and continued to be.  He LOVED it. 

I appreciate everyone who reaches out and shares part of their experiences.  Oh, and I am opening my heart and home to foster a golden retriever who has now been abandoned twice.  A friend of mine told me that her daughter, who initially took in this wonderful, abandoned dog, has left and leaves this poor guy alone again.  I am hoping my cousin, who has raised goldies, will take him in.  I can hear Mark now...ANOTHER DOG?  But he would have been the first person to take him in...we talked about having a place away from the city where we could take in all the poor animals no one seemed to want.  We shall see..

 

[Harleyquinn]

my entire days are filled with going through the motions. Today I was asked at work about something that happened yesterday, and I honestly couldn't remember. My body is doing everything I should be doing each day so I don't get fired- but my mind is definitly not engaged in it

[kevin]

I couldn't even imagine holding a job right now...I am all over the place...Even trying to straighten out the estate stuff I lose patience with some of the institutions.......Pension people have me on ignore I think........But I think I am softening up and not so paranoid. Being alone in your soul is tough.....

[debi.williams]

How are you Kevin? I am going through all the paperwork too and it is incredible how complicated things can be, you would imagine that us humans would have developed a kinder simpler way for the bereaved to get things done by now.... I did smile at this comment though...Pension people have me on ignore I think

[kevin]

Deb, I am doing not too bad......I've accepted this change I am going through and actually wrote down my own" Commandments" to keep me on the straight and narrow.........easy basic stuff with inputs for each........Spiritual(read the Bible)and attend Church,.....fitness and wellness, minimum debt , forgiveness(no grudges), no evening drinking,  release bad thoughts, and heavy on remembering past good thoughts......Working on picture albums.........Angela had boxes of pics over the past 30 years and only half made it to the albums........

[kayc]

Kevin, good for you!

[debi.williams]

Kevin I am seriously impressed ! These commandments would serve us all well. Making albums of all your pictures is a brilliant idea and not only will preserve the pictures properly but will also chronicle your wonderful life with Angela. I somehow feel Angela (It's maybe a female thing!) will be delighted you are taking time out to do this too.

I am trying forgiveness but my blame is directed at myself for every word said in anger and for wasted time arguing. We didn't do that much admittedly (to be honest we couldn't be bothered arguing as we both knew - or so we thought- we would be together forever) but even so.  I am trying also to release bad thoughts which are usually along the lines of 'why him?' 'why us? we were so happy' but then 'Why anybody' these 2 of your commandments I struggle with. For what it is worth Kevin, I am really rooting for you.

[Harleyquinn]

self anger and blame is very difficult and something i struggle with tremendously. guilt from wasted time. I am trying to accept that I cannot change what has been, I can only accept that the choices I made in any given moment was the choice i believed was right based on the circumstances and knowledge I had at the time  and  do my best moving forward. 

Edited September 24, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[debi.williams]

You're right Harleyquinn and those that we mourn for loved us even with our faults...It is usually in the early hours of the morning that the self blame sets in.

[kayc]

Harleyquinn,

You are spot on!  Continue with positive self-talk, it's very helpful and antidotal to all of the negatives that hit us in the grief journey.

[Froggie4635]

I have taken some extended time off from work...I have felt for a long time that I did not take enough time off when Mark died.  I went back to work and started wearing the "brave face".  It was getting to the point where my good days were beginning to not be as frequent again, and I found it hard to keep my focus.  So we have quite a few days these past couple weeks where we are closed in observance on the High Holidays (I work at a Jewish facility).  I allowed myself to take Wed, Thurs & Friday to simply "be" without a lot of planning.  But this week I have set some goals to complete; the first being cleaning out the fridge.  And I was doing good.  Listening to happy music and just taking it one step at a time.  And then I saw it and brought it out. A jar of bacon grease that Mark had been collecting...and I lost it.  There were a few other things.  The bottle of root beer flavoring from his attempt at making his own; the CA finish he used when he made his pens and a roll of Kodachrome film he never got to use (they stopped processing it a couple years ago).  Each little thing, each memory that reminds me that he is gone and won't ever be here again just tears at my heart like a dagger.  Sometimes I don't think it can get any harder, and then I find I am wrong.  I am not sure why I have it in my head that as the months progress that this would get easier.

[debi.williams]

Maryann, I think it is a good thing to have a little time off. keeping up the brave face is exhausting and emotionally draining. I can manage the day at work with only a couple of wobbles but as soon as I put the key in the door I am weeping. 

I am with you in spirit regarding Marks' things in the fridge etc. Yesterday, my son and I had to throw out a watermelon my husband bought on his last day. I couldn't stop weeping. The bitterest of all ironies is that ONLY my husband would get it. He was so sentimental. Here at the office people keep dipping into the cookies he bought as a treat for everyone. The triggers and therefore the pain is everywhere. I understand Maryann. I really do.

[kayc]

I'm glad that I've already dealt with washing the sheets the first time, finding things in the refrigerator or freezer I'd bought or made for him.  (After ten years, I'd hope so!)  Getting hit with those reminders are hard.  My heart goes out to you, Maryann.  I hope you have some good moments while you're taking your sabbatical.  That's what retirement feels like for me...like time off work, only it hasn't ended!  I'm loving it.  I am amazed I haven't missed working.  I knew I wouldn't miss my last job, that'd be like missing the worst dental visit!  But I was surprised I don't miss having somewhere to go each day, some place to belong, some place I feel useful.  I guess I must be filling those spots with volunteer work or I would miss it.

You didn't say how long you'll be off, but I think it will be good for you.  I hope you can sort of just snuggle in at home and feel comfortable there and enjoy it.  It is your place, your safe haven.

[Froggie4635]

Kay,

I have been off since Sept. 23, and do not go back until Oct. 7.  We are closed 5 of those days, so they don't count as vacation. I did the same thing the year we bought our house...so I could do lots of work before we moved in.  One of the benefits of working for a Jewish facility.

I am now very proud of my clean fridge, with my reminders of Mark still in place. 

[debi.williams]

Maryann, I hope your time away is helping a little and that you are able to get some respite from the brave face syndrome. I cannot wait for the weekend to come for the same reason! 

You inspired me to clean the fridge too but I can't bring myself (like you) to throw away the jars of preserves he loved and pickles. I also can't move his shoes from the stairs or even open his closet. I wonder when I will feel the strength?

[Froggie4635]

Debi,

You will know when it is time. Mark's Hawaiian shirts are still hanging in our closet...along with the suit he wore when we got married.  There are three pair of shoes he wore most sitting on the floor where I can see them. There is also the pile of t-shirts I washed up to be made into a quilt...I washed them up in March, but could never allow myself to cut them in preparation for the quilt. I have various bags of clothing that I am not sure what I want to do with them.  I am coming up on 10 months.  I still cannot believe he is gone.  I try to continue on, taking it one day at a time, and finding things to honor him and the love we had. I feel a stirring inside to try and get back to my studio, and try and find my joy again.  I also let that happen one day at a time.  Just do what feels right, Debi...and be kind to you.  

[debi.williams]

Maryann,

Thank you for your good advice. I remember you mentioning the T shirts for the quilt and so totally understand - lovely as it would be - how you can't bring yourself to cut them. It's funny how objects take on a new meaning. I find myself running my hands over his toolbox as though I will get some mystical energy from it.

 

 I still cannot believe he is gone. 

It just hits us over and over doesn't it Maryann? I feel sometimes it's like being in a boxing ring, total outmatched with no means of escape. With each punch you receive you stagger to your feet and then get punched again. How I can manage day after day, week after week, month after month without seeing his face smile, without hearing his voice calling my name, without one of his 'bear hugs' I just don't want to know.