How Long In The Fog?

[kayc]

I know you will miss your furbabies, that's how I felt when I had surgery, I don't like being away from them, they're my family!

I hope you give me a call & let me know if Fri. lunch will work for you once you find out more about their itinerary. I'd love to meet you!

I am praying for you and hope this is a wonderful positive trip for you, I feel like you are doing this for you AND Mark as it was both of your' favorite show!

[Froggie4635]

Feeling tired from my trip. Recovered and rested on Sunday. The fur babies had an active weekend;they crashed right along with me. I don't know where to start, or how to describe properly what I experienced. I did receive messages from Mark that brought me comfort. I don't want to write anything that would sound like I am trying to convince anyone of anything. But I was told things that no one could have known, and had things validated for me. I took one of Mark's Hawaiian shirts (his absolute favorite one) to put under my pillow, and I was told about the blue hawaiian shirt. It is hard to get the excitement I felt across in a posting. There were so many signs that this trip was no coincidence. There was nothing accidental, right down to the 20 foot tall rooster outside my hotel window...a private joke between Mark and I for a long time. I still feel my bottom lip tremble with emotion when I think of the experience I had. It showed me that our loved ones are truly with us, and watch over us each day.

[kayc]

I'm so glad it was a good experience for you. And I think it'd give others hope if you shared what you learned, but of course that's up to you. Pretty amazing!

[Suitearia]

Fae hello. Thank you for the journaling ideas. Right now my notes are mostly emotionally (I buried Ric in Mobile a month ago tomorrow -- and I cannot even go see him as I'm in FL) as my emotions flit around all over the place. I am interested in meditation as well so I will look for the thread.

Maryann ... I am so sorry that you lost your husband in such a traumatic manner. I cannot imagine your pain and the thoughts that have to run through your head. Hugs and prayers to you ...

[Froggie4635]

I knew the time would come when my excitement from my trip would begin to lessen, and I would begin to miss Mark. These last few days dealing with Tropical Storm Bill have stressed me out. I appreciate and treasure what I experienced, and it brought me comfort...but I am still feeling selfish because I would rather have him with me. I respect everything that went into my special trip, and I feel his presence as I type these words. I have a ways to go on my journey, and I know I have the strength to walk through each day. One day at a time.

[Froggie4635]

Deciding to take a vacation day tomorrow...this has been a stressful, exhausting week between Tropical Storm Bill and monthly billing at work....with a few personal stresses on top of it. I almost left my furbaby Hannah locked outside in the yard before I went to work. Thank goodness I give them biscuits every morning. I need to step back and take a break from all the busyness of the last couple weeks.

[kayc]

Maryann, I'm glad you're taking a break tomorrow. My best friend moved back to TX and I've been checking her area on line to make sure she's okay, her house is on a hill so shouldn't flood but the roads leading up to it can. What part of the state are you in and how badly are you affected?

I'm glad you remembered Hannah!

[Froggie4635]

Kay,

I live in Houston, and my area got rain yesterday but no flooding...other parts further west got most of it. Just real humid now and tiring.

[kayc]

I'm so glad you didn't get flooding! The news reports look devastating.

[Froggie4635]

Had a BIG scare...had been hearing water dripping the last couple days but wasn't sure where it was coming from. Today I looked inside where my air conditioner is, and that is where it was dripping and there was all kinds of wetness in there. I had no idea where to begin, so I went online and found some posts on You Tube. I tried a couple things, testing the sump pump and it kept saying you needed to find where the drainage was, and I did not have a clue. Yesterday I found some water in a spot In the garage that was wet and I could not figure out why. Well, I called my mother-in-law because I was afraid. I thought I helped it, but when the air turned on, the drip got worse. Well, something told me that the drain pipe was in front of me. I had a container to catch the water, and it just poured out. It looked like something might be in there. I tried to use the shop vac to suction out; not sure if it helped, but since the water poured out, the leak has almost stopped. I am still going to have someone come look at it. I think Mark whispered to me where to look. It was the most terrified I felt since mark died (except the time I couldn't find Max). I have spent my long weekend going over financials so I can keep the car and maintain everything as is right now. I need it to stay as it is.

[R.Everit55]

All I can say is five and a half months and I still ave the fog and agony in my mind and heart. And no that's not the meds talking. Hugs to you. ❤️

[KarenK]

Oh Maryann,

How true it is that we depended on our spouses for so many things. Some women are proficient at keeping up with fix-it jobs around the house. I am not much good past a lawnmower and a crescent wrench. I watched, listened, and assisted with some of the remodeling and repairing around here, but mostly I have two left thumbs when it comes to repair jobs. I know it wasn't what Ron meant when he said"You're gonna miss me when I'm gone", but it rings true for sooooo many reasons.

Fortunately, my son is close by and does many things for me. Seems like only yesterday that I could do so much more. Time, stress, and grief have worn me out. I hope you get that blasted leak figured out.

FYI, I was born in Houston many moons ago. Can only remember that we lived on Ozark St. I was three when we left.

Love,

Karen

[Froggie4635]

Well, got the car legal....inspection, registration, insurance. Also, got it re-financed. I will be saving $122 a month now. Once I get my driver's license, I can go back and renegotiate for a lower finance rate. It helps me to breathe a lot better now. I am hoping that soon I will start to feel relaxed. By the time I get home after work, take care of the dogs and get something to eat...I find myself exhausted. Add in the summer heat & humidity...and I get so little done. I decided to take this Friday, even though July 4 isn't a big deal for me...I can use the long weekend. I usually keep most of my vacation days for the fall, winter and spring...I intend on taking quite a few days off around the first anniversary of Mark's death. His birthday was Dec. 2 and he died on Dec 4. I am not letting myself anticipate it, just planning so that I will have the time I need to face it.

[kayc]

Karen,

I'm not much good at being "handy" either. And I am NOT good at starting the lawnmower! I can mow if I get it started, but starting it is the hard part.

Maryann,

I somehow missed your post about the leaking water, I do understand how daunting these things can be. Like when the water shuts off and you don't know why...or the roof leaks...or the truck won't start...or you lose your job...or you discover your 36' ramp is totally rotted out...or you have a big decision to make. We are so dependent on our husbands (and them on us) and losing them is not only about losing the love of our life, but also the income and the handyman that came with it! Getting used to making decisions and handling things on our own can be daunting. Somehow after ten years, I'm still doing it. Ten down, 30 to go? By this time I trust myself to know I will somehow get through it all. Like when I had surgery before Christmas and didn't know if I'd be able to get off the couch without help...I did. Or when I broke my right elbow (my car is a stick shift)...somehow I didn't miss work, I managed to get my garbage out and get the 40 lb. bag of dogfood in (wheelbarrows are great). We learn other ways of doing things and somehow we survive.

I've heard people say, "But I want more than just to survive. I want to be happy." Yes, we even learn to do that. It's not the same happiness that we had "before", but a new kind. What we miss in the big happiness we make up for in appreciation. We learn to appreciate the little things. A phone call. A friend's invitation to lunch. Good news. Enough $ to pay the bills. Something worth watching on t.v. (this I consider a big miracle).

[Froggie4635]

I found a website and a forum called Suddenly Widowed. Reading the posts takes me right back to Mark's death and I feel the anguish everyone seems to be sharing. I now realize that perhaps I have stepped away for too long from my grief journey and dealing with my feelings. I've just been going along like it is any other day. Does everyone else feel the same way...even after many years of grief, does reading a new post from someone who experienced the same thing you did take you right back to that moment, and stir the hurt and pain? I guess I read them to know that someone else has been where I stand, and that I should allow myself to feel those deep feelings and not try to go on as if losing my husband wasn't a big deal. I keep reading the word trauma. Why do I find it so difficult to allow myself to look at my experience as a trauma. I know the ultimate goal of the grief journey is to survive and somehow find joy again. Why do I have such a hard time allowing myself to feel sad and not look at it as feeling sorry for myself?

[kayc]

It can affect us that way, that's why some elect not to read threads from someone newly widowed, they aren't strong enough yet to handle it. Each person must decide for themselves what they can/can't handle and when. Some guard themselves until they are better able to deal with it.

[Froggie4635]

I took some quiet time this morning, just to see what would happen. No music, no television...just thought and writing in my journal. I found myself making statements that seemed harsh...about what I observe of others and what I allow for myself. I find that I was more "comfortable" in the early weeks of my loss...because I knew what was "expected" of me. I was supposed to be sad, was supposed to be lost, supposed to be taken care of. Now it is coming up on 7 months, and I feel a lot of pressure on myself, from myself to be "over it". I read so many posts and those grieving people aren't over it, even after many years. Most days it feels like I don't feel anything. All I have to do is listen to certain songs, and I am washed over with emotions. Perhaps I tried to recover too quickly? Am I truly being too guarded?

[enna]

Hi Maryann,

I have been reading your posts and I just want you to know that from my own personal experience you are allowing yourself to sit with your grief as you need to. We cannot compare ourselves to another. There is no time limit in grief.

One of the things I learned was to accept whatever “feelings” I was having on any given day realizing that those feelings will change.

The early years of grief leave us with many different emotions and all of them are normal. The pressure you are feeling is self-inflicted and only you can decide what is the best path for your journey.

I hope you can be gentle with yourself and when that “feeling” of “getting over it” comes up try to dismiss it. Allow songs to bring tears to your eyes ~ tears are healing. And on the days you don’t “feel” anything let that be okay, too.

Hugs to you.

Anne

[kayc]

Try to let your grief be what it is, dear Maryanne, and don't worry about what others think or "where you should be". You are right where you are supposed to be. And you're doing as well as you can.

[Froggie4635]

This morning I took the time to complete a project. Back in November, Mark surprised me by planting pansies in the planter in front of our house. My mom LOVED pansies, but living up north she never really got to enjoy them. They were spring flowers and many times frost came late in the season. In Houston, pansies are a fall/winter flower, and Mark filled the planter with them. Well, I tended to those flowers like the special gift that they were. When the temps starting getting hotter, I knew they would fade and reach the end of their growing season. I started to take blooms that were in their prime color and save them by pressing them in books. I wanted to preserve as many as I could, because it was one of the last things Mark gave me before he died. Well, I have a HUGE collection of pressed pansies, and I found the perfect frame. I put a sampling onto beautiful paper and now the framed pansies hang in the bedroom next to a piece I found that has a picture of us tacked to it. I am going to take some more of the pansies and create something for his sisters, so that something from Mark can hang in their home. Mark and I both are sentimental souls and I want the love we shared to reach as many people as possible. What a gift I was given the day Mark and I met. It wasn't always easy, but always worth the fight.

[MartyT]

What a lovely way to preserve a precious memory, Maryann! ♥

[kayc]

That is beautiful, Maryanne! George and I loved our flowers on our patio, we had hanging pots the full length of our 36' patio, and some of them were pansies. The year he died the flowers did especially well and the following year I found a pansy growing on the ground below (I'm on a hill so the patio is on stilts). It was such a treasure! I've never had that experience before or since, with a pansy starting on it's own, and to me it was like a gift from George.

[Froggie4635]

I am feeling somewhat unmotivated today. I didn't feel good the last few days; we seem to be getting an influx of the Sahara dust that is blowing in from the Gulf. I found a non-drowsy antihistamine and it seems to have helped with the symptoms, but I had a headache all day yesterday. I am going to see an orthopedist on Monday because of my right hand. I was diagnosed with tendonitis in my right thumb, and it hasn't gotten better even with the exercises. It has made it hard to do anything really strenuous (cleaning, moving stuff) and when you have two dogs that are each around 40 pounds each, not having full use of your hand is tough.

I have to admit that I am having more good days than bad lately, and I have to be thankful for that. But I know I need to be careful, because good days doesn't mean healed. There haven't been a lot of triggers lately...summer holidays weren't a big deal for Mark and I. Mostly because I cannot handle the hot temps and humidity outside. I wish I could just pick my house up and move it to a part of the country that wasn't so miserable for these 5 months or so (June-October). A dear friend of mine is having a really rough time, and I have offered my home to her; if she wants to stay for a couple months until she can find a better place to live and relax for a bit. She is still thinking about it. I wouldn't have been comfortable with the idea of someone in my house right after Mark passed, and I might not end up liking it now...but it will only be for a short period of time and I don't like the idea of a close friend struggling and not feeling safe where they live. She was my maid of honor when I got married, and she also lost her first husband and understands everything I am going through.

I think it is time for me to try and sit and write a letter to Mark. My thoughts seem to be a bit more clear, and perhaps it will help continue my progress with my grief journey. When I journal, I sometimes write it as if I am talking to him. I haven't gotten to the point where I verbalize to him a lot, mostly when I feel how much I am missing him or when something happens that he would be able to take care of. I think maybe I need to step things up a notch.

[kayc]

I just lost my post!

Maryann,

How sweet of you to open your house to a friend in need, I hope it comes back to you tenfold!

I hear you with the heat, we're having record temperatures (90s & 100s) and no rain since the beginning of June. We're like a tinderbox ready to catch on fire! T-storms & lightening expected Thurs-Sun. I'll be gone Fri-Sun to my son's, going to stay with my grandbaby so they can celebrate their anniversary and hopefully sleep a bit.

I can relate to the tendinitis too as I have Carpal Tunnel that gives me a lot of pain and sometimes can't do what I need to do...having 132 lb dog I need the use of my hands! I hope you get some relief with it soon.

I write to George periodically, I probably should more often. It's how we met (I'd written a letter to the editor and he wrote to me) and started our friendship in the beginning.

[Froggie4635]

Mark and I met through communication...in a chat room on Yahoo. When we were first dating, I would send him emails and cards. I found all the cards I sent him in his belongings. I also have all the letters he wrote in all the cards he gave me for my birthday and our anniversary. The few times I tried to sit and write him, I would develop writer's block and have to think too much about what I wanted to say.

I hope you have a wonderful visit and have LOTS of time with your grandbaby. I am sure George will be going with you, too.