How Long In The Fog?

[kayc]

Well they may be right that our spouses wouldn't want us to be sad, but it can't be helped, it's unrealistic to think so! If I died, George would have been plenty sad! It takes time to grieve our future, our dreams, as well as the loss of our spouse.

[feralfae]

Oh, Dear Maryann,

You are exactly where you are supposed to be today. You are being honest with yourself about when you need to feel sad. I think it was Anne who wrote or quoted,

"Allow yourself to be where you are."

For now, and for as long as it takes, you will be putting yourself back together. Here, we work mostly on hearts.

But there is your precious body that needs loving attention and good care, and that means everything from taking walks to eating well to drinking plenty of pure water. There is your home, and I see you are doing some house things, and that helped me a lot the first several months after Doug left. I hope you are keeping a journal. It is a wonderful tool of catharsis and self-exploration, because we need to figure who we are now, that our Beloved has changed form.

There is no reason to think yet about what the future holds: you are still holding Mark with your body and heart and spirit, and it is not time—not nearly time—to worry about the future you will someday design for yourself, when you are ready. It is not wrong to not be ready to think about the future. You are exactly where you need to be.

You are most definitely not wallowing. You are grieving the loss of your Beloved. I know what you mean about people taking for granted their relationships. It is still difficult for me to listen to girlfriends who "vent" about their husbands. I loved being Doug's wife. And he loved being my husband. That love is still here.

Don't worry, you are doing fine. The love you and Mark have will make enough light for your to see you next step. Really. Are you doing any meditation? There are wonderful offerings here, on the Meditation thread, and Marty probably has more on her site.

Peace to your Heart,

fae

[Froggie4635]

I just found out that the claim on the insurance policy we have on the car loan has been denied. They found medical evidence that he had treatment for alcoholism. I am waiting for a certified letter explaining why it was denied. I can't afford to have the car, I don't have a driver's license and now I don't know what I am going to do. I am so tired of fighting these companies.

[Froggie4635]

I want my old life back...this is not how it was supposed to be.

[Dew's Girl]

Maryann, I swear I said almost those exact words last night when I sat down to dinner alone. I miss my old life so very much.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with that right now. I had a similar issue with Daniel's vehicle. It was a lease but because my name was on the paperwork too, they still held me responsible for it even though I had my own car payment to make. I ended up having to pay over $5000 just to return it to them early. I am amazed by some companies and their lack of compassion.

[kayc]

Maryann, I am so sorry. I swear it seems they are heartless.

[Froggie4635]

Last night when I got home from work, I just didn't seem to want to do anything but lay down and sleep. I just wanted to escape. I think the fog is beginning to lift some, because I find myself just realizing "this is it"...no more Mark, no more life with him and it just hurts. I am able to go about things and function, but then I get those moments of realization. Am I just not ready to accept everything yet? I don't know if it is just the added stress lately of dealing with all these fights with insurance companies. Part of me just wants to give in and forget it because it takes so much energy. I know there will always be a myriad of things I will have to deal with. I received a postcard in the mail reminding Mark it was time to schedule his next appointment. I had to call and tell them he was deceased. I have had a few moments of laughter and time with friends where I can "forget" for a while. It has been over 4 months, and I am not sure I feel much better than when he passed. I still have the heavy cloud that hides the sun.

[KATPILOT]

Maryann I cannot say how it will go for you but for me and others I have met, you find distractions a blessing. You need that once in a while. We all do. To protect ourselves, we need time to forget for a bit. It's not denial but just a short distraction. You will always find your way back to the reality of what has happened in your life. You and every other newly grieving person needs to have a break once and again. There will be so many events to deal with such as the "mail to him" or insurance issues. Four months is such a short time in the big scheme of things. You will find the first years quite eventful. You will deal with frustrations in trying to do those tasks that Mark used to do but come so hard to accomplish. Then when you do them, you will find a simple joy in having "done it".

Perhaps you might even think he was there helping you. My bet is that he will be.

When things seem overwhelming, take a break. Just get away perhaps even just going for a short walk. We are in a tender state on our early journey. Perhaps it would serve us best to not ask ourselves to do more than we can. I know that sounds like a good idea but really???? you ask. Easier said than done. But when rested, and I'm speaking of our mental state, when we get back from the walk or whatever we do, the task becomes just a wee bit easier.

[Froggie4635]

Dear KAT,

Thank you for your kind words. I have had a few experiences in the "I did it" realm, and I know that Mark helped. Sometimes I find it hard to just be quiet and listen for that voice. I have also tried to do things that became to difficult and I got mad at him for not being here to do it. I then feel terrible for being mad at him. He didn't choose to leave; it isn't his fault...it really isn't anyone's fault. It is life. Some times I just get to a point of feeling overwhelmed with the reality, with the sadness, with the missing him so much it hurts. HE was my everything and it just is so hard.

[mittam99]

Maryann, my heart goes out to you. I'm only a month and a half into my journey, and as you are, I'm overwhelmed with sadness.

I also am now dealing with an insurance problem, so I'm sure you can relate. My Tammy was on my health insurance at work as a dependent. My premium was pretty low for myself but quite a bit was taken out weekly for Tammy's coverage. I called the insurance company after Tammy's passed explaining everything and filled out the paperwork I had to. Today I looked at my paystub and saw they are still taking out for her premium even though she isn't even alive! I've talked to one person today who said it was a mistake but couldn't help me. She gave me two other numbers to call and neither of the people were available.

Going through the emotions of grief, this is the last thing we need!

[Froggie4635]

Mitch,

So many things about this drive me crazy, but I have to learn to let go of those things I can't control or change. But the things that I have to keep checking out for like insurance payments, and deductions and getting corrections made just make it worse. It almost looks like no one is really being your advocate. Before I married Mark, I was a very independent person, being my own advocate and looking out for myself. And in some respects, even after marrying Mark, there were things that I was responsible for looking out for in regards to finances. But now it is hard to have the strength to fight for/about things like insurance and whatnot, when I am fighting to emotionally and physically to keep my head above water. I am blessed that my job is one place where I have little to no stress. There are some days when it gets dicey, and more things than I want are thrust upon me. But I take a deep breath, get through it, and then if I need, go find a place where I can cry. I am getting good at making the exit to the bathroom.

Mitch, I am sorry you feel abandoned. It is not an easy thing. I probably don't reach out enough to people...I guess I am afraid of them not having time or facing rejection. This grief seems to have me set at hyper-sensitive and sometimes it is not a good thing. I love my dogs so very much, and they are all I have right now for comfort, but there are times when I vent and am impatient and I take it out by yelling at them or pushing them away. I, of course feel immediately guilty and make sure I hug them extra hard and talk gently to them and try and explain. When someone reaches out to give me a hug, I feel the emotions and the tears surface. I miss having Mark's arms to hold me and let me cry when everything got to be too much. He was good at that and was my knight.

[mittam99]

You mentioned Mark being your knight. I know I tried to be Tammy's knight in shining armor for sure. She always told me when I was around she felt safe and secure. And she gave me so much comfort and love.

[Froggie4635]

In her heart, Mitch, you WERE her knight. Try and remember that. If there is one thing I can be certain and that is how Mark loved me. And I always made sure he knew how I felt. Try and find peace in that.

[kayc]

Mitch, I would think Human Resource would be able to help you out.

[Froggie4635]

I've been reading and not posting. Thursday was a bad day, as most Thursdays are. I no longer seem to keep track of the weeks since Mark died. But I do remember it was a Thursday, and it hurts. We got an email at work that one of our co-workers who had been battling the affects of diabetes, passed away. It stirred up a lot of feelings. Reading the email took me back to the day that Mark died, and the email that went out regarding his passing. I still read it from time to time, but not so much recently. It helps with the realization of Mark's death. Also, Mark and I were HUGE fans of Grey's Anatomy. It was our Thursday evening routine; dinner and dog play time were taken care of in time to get lost in "our" show. Well, Thursday night's episode included the death of a major character, Derek Shepard. I know it is only a tv show, but it had a particular significance to my relationship with Mark. I introduced him to the show, and he got hooked on it along with me. We would talk about it, laugh about it, and when the episodes were particularly emotional, we would cry. Thursday night, I missed Mark so much because I had to endure the death of Derek alone. And one of the scenes made me cry out loud; there was point where there was a dream sequence, and I cried out that I so wanted to wake from the nightmare that has become my life. Now there will be a major character on a show that will be experiencing the same thing as me - widowhood.

Now

I continue to make adjustments in my life. This week I will have to take my dogs to the vet for the first time without Mark. He so loved that job, because he was so proud of his "pack". If I did not have them, I might not be so driven to continue on. My life still feels so empty. Mark was my everything. I loved waking up being his wife; I loved being at work knowing how proud he was of me; I couldn't wait to be home because I could be with him. When I found him, my life was finally completed. Now I ramble through my day. Complete my tasks and go home. I try to live beyond my grief, take breaks from it, but I still am without joy. I LOVED being a wife. How can that be over?

[mittam99]

Mark was my everything. I loved waking up being his wife; I loved being at work knowing how proud he was of me; I couldn't wait to be home because I could be with him. When I found him, my life was finally completed. Now I ramble through my day. Complete my tasks and go home. I try to live beyond my grief, take breaks from it, but I still am without joy. I LOVED being a wife. How can that be over?

Change Mark to Tammy, wife to husband and him to her and I could have written that. It seems like all of us here in this forum have something in common. We didn't just lose a spouse, we lost a spouse that we were (and will always be) madly in love with and who made us feel complete and whole. That's why we grieve so hard.

Maryann, everytime I read your posts, I feel the same anguish and longing and emptiness in your words that I am feeling. In a way it makes me feel better... knowing that I'm not alone in my pain. I wish we all could invent a time machine and go back and spend more time with our loved one. I wish we'd all wake up and realize this was all a bad dream. We know that's not reality, sadly.

I'm glad you post here. It's good to get out your feelings and whether you know it or not, you're helping others.

Mitch

[MartyT]

Maryann, my dear, you are not alone in your reaction to the death of one of your favorite TV characters. This article appeared in TIME's Entertainment section yesterday: Grief Counselor Says It's OK to Mourn A Fictional Character's Death

[kayc]

Maryann,

It's all of those little things, like a show you watched together, taking dogs to the vet by yourself for the first time, etc. that loom big because in and of themselves, they are adjustments. They are reminders that we don't have them to go through life with us anymore. Therefore, they aren't little to us. In these early days of grief, it seems everything looms big. Is it any wonder that just getting through the day, let alone a weekend, is such a feat?!

Nothing you go through is insignificant to you...nor is it to us. Everything you go through is important to us because we care about YOU!

[Froggie4635]

Dear Kay,

Thank you for your kind and caring response. I got a call today from a friend who lived near me back home in PA. She now lives in FLA, but she was always a comfort to my family, especially around the time of my mom's passing. I spoke with her back in January and then sent her a letter not long after that. She wanted to touch base and see how I was holding up. It was comforting to speak with her...was kind of like a hug through the phone. I think I reassured her that I was doing the best I can but was going to be okay. She was a social worker and she just helped to validate everything for me. You are right about the weekends alone. That is/was the time that Mark and I did our running around, spending our Sunday mornings relaxing over breakfast and making plans. Today I went with my mother-in-law to get some groceries early in the day, because we had a lot of early morning storms. I have been just doing a few things around the house, and mentally making notes of other things I would like to get done. I've been thinking about Mother's Day, and what I could do for my mother-in-law to make it easier for her, her first one without Mark. I know I cannot make it hurt less. I hope she will be able to remember that last time Mark was with her, when he hugged her and told her he loved her that night before he died.

I said to her on the way home today how I wished I could turn back the clock...

[Dew's Girl]

I read somewhere that grief is not a sign of weakness or lack of faith, it is the price of love.

We were lucky enough to have shared a great love and now have the higher cost to pay for it but we don't regret it.

[Froggie4635]

Amy,

So true. I know that at the core of my being, I am strong. Because I opened my heart to Mark and let him really SEE me, it helped that strength grow. And I know that I helped him get stronger. I wish I could have taken away all the doubts he had in himself, but all I could do was love him and allow him to be who he was. Loving someone is the greatest gift you can give them, but it is also a gift you give to yourself. As painful as this loss is, no matter how much I hurt and feel lost, I am thankful for the love I had with Mark. I wish it would have gone on longer...I think we all wish that wish, to have our loved ones with us and not have them be gone. But like you said, it is the price you pay for having a deep and wonderful love. I know in my heart there will come a day when the memories won't hurt this much...when I will be able to smile and not cry. I know I need to continue and grieve not just the loss of Mark, but also the loss of the future we hoped to have. I want to be grateful for every day I am given; right now it's hard because making it through the days is painful and I want the pain to be gone. I have begun to repeat a phrase when I am in the midst of a meltdown...I tell myself to push on through. As I feel this fog lifting, and the reality and pain rub against the raw wound, I try and push through. Even after almost 5 months, I still can't believe he is gone, and I need to believe that will get better. His absence in my life is still so profound. The folks who post that have been where I am, and can give me encouragement and validation that I am where I need to be...is a blessing. It would be so easy to turn this hurt into hatred and face the world in anger, but that is not who I am. The same God who brought me to Mark and Mark to me, will help me find my way through this grief journey. I have to continue to have faith.

[Dew's Girl]

I was going through old messages from Daniel and found this. I think it goes perfectly with what you said about you and Mark.

[Froggie4635]

Amy,

Thank you for sharing that. It is EXACTLY the feeling I had with Mark...our souls were so complete with each other. Being around him always made me feel safe, protected and loved. How could someone not want to be around that all the time? How could I not feel the tremendous absence with him being gone?

[kayc]

Maryann,

I think anything you do for your MIL will help her, just knowing you care and you're there for her, even in your own grief. I so wish I could have known George's mom, I know we would have loved each other. (She passed just before we met.) From everything he told he, we would have hit it off, after all, we had one thing in common, we both loved him!

[Froggie4635]

I continue to find books about grieving and loss, each one gives me a little more insight and sometimes really touches a cord. The current one I am reading is "I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can" and it is geared towards young widows. Now I know I am 53, and not sure if I fit into the "young" category...but I feel young, and still felt like a newlywed even after 5 years of marriage. But in one of the chapters was something that put something into words that I had a hard time explaining...

"Your conscious mind is your thought process in the here and now, that is under your control. It knows your husband died. You attended a funeral. The problem is your unconscious does not want to believe it. So it creates a psychological defense mechanism called denial, to protect itself. Your unconscious is also confused. "My husband is dead, but I still feel married" Your unconscious is trying to spare you from the shocking reality all at once. So it allows you to absorb the effects of your loss only a little at a time. Your unconscious mind needs time to catch up to your conscious mind."

I'm having a hard time remembering Mark. I look at pictures, and close my eyes and try to remember him. The most vivid memory I have is him laying in the emergency room, the image the validates that he is in fact dead. I'm having a hard time remembering his voice...when I do, it is so very faint and muffled. Each time I try and remember, it reminds me that for the rest of my life, I will be without him, so I stop trying to remember. I also experience that feeling that I have seen mentioned frequently. Did I dream the entire relationship? Was everything just a very sweet dream? How can that be all there will be?