Shock And Awe

[Gwenivere]

I never cared for romantic movies, but now I have a hard time watching TV shows or most movies because there ALWAYS seems to be a scene of intimacy.....a touch, a look, a caress.  Just seeing people hold hands breaks my heart.  I feel cheated too.  Life itself meant there would be an end someday, but it was not something we really believed or thought about.   Who would while living with the person that gave us and us them a reason to enjoy this world?  It us thrust upon us.  Love becomes tragedy....truer words were never spoken.

[Guest Janka]

6 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I never cared for romantic movies, but now I have a hard time watching TV shows or most movies because there ALWAYS seems to be a scene of intimacy.....a touch, a look, a caress.  Just seeing people hold hands breaks my heart.  I feel cheated too.  Life itself meant there would be an end someday, but it was not something we really believed or thought about.   Who would while living with the person that gave us and us them a reason to enjoy this world?  It us thrust upon us.  Love becomes tragedy....truer words were never spoken.

Gwen,

love never ends...

Janka

[Gwenivere]

I know it doesnt in our hearts, dear Janka.  I just wish I knew where of if he is.  My life feel so dark without him.  I hate the silence but I am also hating the TV as a sound source.  Adds to feeling so alone.  Commercials all the frigging time about drugs for all kinds of maladies. My mute button gets a good workout when I not watching something I recorded.  Silence was OK when he was here.  Being able to be answered I so took for granted.  We all thought love was forever on this plane, didn't we?  

[Guest Janka]

13 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I know it doesnt in our hearts, dear Janka.  I just wish I knew where of if he is.  My life feel so dark without him.  I hate the silence but I am also hating the TV as a sound source.  Adds to feeling so alone.  Commercials all the frigging time about drugs for all kinds of maladies. My mute button gets a good workout when I not watching something I recorded.  Silence was OK when he was here.  Being able to be answered I so took for granted.  We all thought love was forever on this plane, didn't we?  

 Janka

[scba]

Dear Janka, I know love never ends, but also I know that this love I feel for my boyfriend needs him, needs him as it has been, needs him in this new way that I don't know how it works. I feel totally left alone to carry it. It is not his fault. But I need to blame something. I feel I have awaken to some sort of awful truth about life and love. I understand I have been blessed to love and be loved. And now what? That is my question, what shall I do with this blessing, transform it in a book of memories? That's it? You live, you love, you keep memories, you die.... Sorry, I am so angry today. 

[Froggie4635]

George...

We did not think way back when we chose a romantic holiday such as "V" Day to make one of the biggest steps in our lives, that we would be hurting so very much.  "V" Day was always my very favorite holiday; even when I did not have a valentine.  My theory was that we should feel that kind of love EVERY day, not just February 14th.  And I always vowed that when I found my true love, everyday would be "V" Day.  So, when I found my true love, I selected February 14th as the day we would join our lives together.  Mark thought it VERY hokey at first.  Then I explained it in terms he could relate.  It guaranteed he would NEVER forget our anniversary, and he only needed to get one gift.  But I think deep down, he was very sentimental and romantic.  I added so many details to the ceremony, so that EVRYONE present there felt how much love was between Mark and I.  This year is actually my second anniversary without him, but it is so much harder.  Last year, I still was encased in fog and tried extra hard not to acknowledge it.  This year, I am feeling all the emotions, because the memories are more vivid this year.  And today is our staff luncheon.  It was scheduled later than we did last time.  Last time, it was held the day before Mark died.  So today, I will be sitting in the same auditorium that we were married in (yes, I work at a community center, and our wedding was held here), feeling double emotions.  I was in charge of the decorations last time, and Mark helped me...and helped us set up.  He was a big part of the festivities before hand.  So now I will be sitting in the auditorium remembering the last time and also facing the impending anniversary.  I just hope people will understand the emotions. I know I will try to contain them, but they are already wanting out.

So, George, I understand your pain. I am sending a gentle hug and a hand to hold, if only for a moment.

[hollowheart]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 My life feel so dark without him.  I hate the silence but I am also hating the TV as a sound source.  Adds to feeling so alone.

This is so true. I love TV and movies but I was never a stare at TV 24/7 type of person. I might get into some marathons over the weekend, but overall I was with my sister and we'd be out for hours and then come home and watch movies. watching movies are not the same anymore and not having that pleasure has taken the pleasure out of my life. 

I watch movies and TV shows alone and have no one to comment about them with, or to watch and then go "oh, you need to watch this show or have you seen last weeks episode?" Silence. And when I'm tired of the TV I just have to keep watching because there is no reason to turn it off and go find my sis to hang out with because she is gone. Some things really make you feel even more alone.

2 hours ago, scba said:

 I understand I have been blessed to love and be loved. And now what? That is my question, what shall I do with this blessing, transform it in a book of memories? That's it? You live, you love, you keep memories, you die.... Sorry, I am so angry today. 

scba, my anger is always there and that is wearing thin and wearing me down. When you mentioned you were angry I couldn't help but nod. Like Gwen said, I feel cheated too. My sister was also cheated and that pisses me off, so we're back to being angry. It never ends.

[kayc]

I used to jokingly say, "Life sucks, and then you die."  It covers anything bad that could or does happen.  But after loss that takes on a whole new meaning and it ceases to be funny, as we question, "This is all there is?"  The struggle to find the WANT to live is a tough one but worth pursuing.  What other choice is there?

George, you are in my thoughts and prayers as you approach Valentines...as well as the 16th.  It's hard saying which will be harder, they're both tough in their own ways.  Sometimes, I've found, the anticipation can be actually harder than the day itself.  It's as if we expect to implode on that day and when it comes...and goes...and we're left standing, it kind of surprises us.  I felt I deserved a badge or something after having survived a whole year of "firsts without".  It was tough.  A lot of people were surprised to find the second year just as hard, even though the "firsts" were done.  Seconds weren't a whole lot easier.  I found it took me a good three years to even process this loss...not get over, just process!  What I had left to live with after three years hasn't changed much, 10 1/2 years out, it's pretty much the same except I'm more used to living alone, building my life to incorporate some good things in it in a positive way, more accustomed to it being "just me" to make decisions and take care of myself.  The only encompassing love and touch I have are with my dog and cats.  

[Kpl48]

I haven't shared in several weeks, but I have read every single post. I'm still grieving, yet it is changing. Instead of feeling desperate in the mornings, I'm feeling very tired. I continue to go out almost every day. I'm making deeper friendships. I'm going to a new grief group led by a grief counselor. I'm not crying as much or as long. I don't know if this will continue? Oh, most importantly, I'm taking my dog to a dog park in my resort almost every afternoon. I visit with the people and he visits with the dogs!

I'm so sorry we are having a difficult time with Valentine's Day. I'm deliberately not looking at all the V day products in the stores.  I might buy myself some flowers. I know I'll miss him so much on and around that day. I still love Andre so very much. I miss him terribly. 

❤️ Kristine

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I used to jokingly say, "Life sucks, and then you die."  It covers anything bad that could or does happen.  But after loss that takes on a whole new meaning and it ceases to be funny, as we question, "This is all there is?"

I used to jokingly say "come on, lets do <insert activity>, you could be dead tomorrow." It used to be funny, but now it's not. It just made me think about some of the things I wanted to do and I got her to do with me and we really enjoyed. Sadly, those are cherished memories now. The phrase "Live for today" really does take on new meaning.

[Guest Janka]

10 hours ago, scba said:

Dear Janka, I know love never ends, but also I know that this love I feel for my boyfriend needs him, needs him as it has been, needs him in this new way that I don't know how it works. I feel totally left alone to carry it. It is not his fault. But I need to blame something. I feel I have awaken to some sort of awful truth about life and love. I understand I have been blessed to love and be loved. And now what? That is my question, what shall I do with this blessing, transform it in a book of memories? That's it? You live, you love, you keep memories, you die.... Sorry, I am so angry today. 

  Janka

[Gwenivere]

Valentine's Day was never social to me/us.  Funny how that has changed make that I am barraged by ads in papers and TV as well as the stores holiday section.  It's not the holiday, it's the significance.  Weeks of drilling into us about love and doing something special.  That special someone in our lives.  We always called it a Hallmark holiday and didn't do anything for it. I might have bought him some small chocolate heart because it was a favorite candy bar.  Now I wish he were here to ignore it as usual.  All the commercialism wouldn't have an effect as it does now.  Reverse marketing, who would have thought?   

[Gwenivere]

22 hours ago, scba said:

Dear Janka, I know love never ends, but also I know that this love I feel for my boyfriend needs him, needs him as it has been, needs him in this new way that I don't know how it works. I feel totally left alone to carry it. It is not his fault. But I need to blame something. I feel I have awaken to some sort of awful truth about life and love. I understand I have been blessed to love and be loved. And now what? That is my question, what shall I do with this blessing, transform it in a book of memories? That's it? You live, you love, you keep memories, you die.... Sorry, I am so angry today. 

I feel the same way.  I need something to blame because without that, I feel lost in white water rapids and no control.  I never thought of it as you wrote, but it is an awful truth. yes, it was great but what do we do now?  I was 'blessed' but now I feel cursed.  How does one make sense of that?  I am not a frilly person.  To have been 'blessed' but then sent to hell on earth seems so unfair.  Our book is done...it is all memories now.  And that is supposed to sustain me now?  It doesn't.  Yup, I am really angry too. 

[hollowheart]

I'm glad I'm not that only one that has been irritated and angry recently. Heck, I'm pretty much always irritated and angry and I hate that because that is not me, that's not who I was, by any means.

Today I was running late and my scarf got caught in my coat zipper. I was so pissed so of course me yanking and pulling broke the zipper and I had to toss that coat off and grab a winter jacket and run out. I get off the train and somehow the zipper on this coat breaks! But I manage to get it together and zip it back up. Are you kidding me?!?

I thought my head was going to explode. I sorta took out some of it on my ma this morning, I didn't mean too, but she was asking dumb questions and it just made me even more annoyed. Of course it stems from what I'm going through, but what I hate about that is that people I know don't want to acknowledge that because they don't want to get back into "that" again.

Sometimes I just need to be angry and vent and complain, and the one person that I loved doing that with is not here which makes me even more angry. But people don't want me to complain, they just want to fix an unfixable situation by telling me to do things that won't help anyway.  I feel like they see me as this miserable mean person now and You know what? Maybe I am. I feel like I shouldn't have the right to vent.

I was getting tips how to fix the zipper, I'm just mad right now, I didn't need that. No, I don't want a tutorial on replacing a zipper, can't I just be upset?  I'm sorry I can't think right now, but I think it was CL who said that she got lost in her car and that just created a snowball effect of frustration when it wouldn't have had her husband been there. (if it wasn't CL, sorry, I can't remember right now) But that's how I feel now. If my sister was here I would have texted her about it, been angry but able to handle it better.

Just having this happens makes me feel like it's just the norm in my already shi**y f'ed up life that has been handed down to me. Why should I expect any sunny days anymore?  I just feel done today.

[kayc]

I'm sorry if I'm guilty of trying to offer solutions to people when all they want is to vent.  I guess it comes from living alone so long, I have to "fix" everything myself or it doesn't get dealt with.  I understand most women don't want something "fixed", they just want to be heard.  Be reassured that even if I open my mouth when I shouldn't, I still "hear you"!  I understand the frustration of the broken zipper on a coat, been there!  But I also understand, the real frustration is not the coat, it's the not having your sister to talk to.
Maybe you can tell your mom you're sorry you snapped at her, that it wasn't her you were upset with.  

I still get those days where I think "If George was here, this wouldn't be a problem!"  and it's true, he'd replace the back of the garage and fix the shed and help me paint the house and clean it out.  Sometimes, alone, things can seem insurmountable, esp. with physical and financial limitations.  And of course, at the end of the day I just miss him holding me and being able to talk over the day with him.  Together we felt we could tackle anything, as I'm sure all of you felt!

[hollowheart]

kay, you hit the nail on the head. I'm a little calmer now, but still irritated, lol. But you are right, the real frustration was not the coat, as annoying as it was, it was not having my sister here at all and not having her to vent too.

The thing is, I can do things on my own, but knowing she was available for backup or advice or help made it more tolerable. When you are doing something and cant' fix it and have no one to turn to but yourself that is very upsetting and frustrating.

And I will admit that it's not like hate suggestions on fixing things. I have done that too when the person is enraged and I just want to help and calm them down. It's just a couple of people I have talked too, I can tell they feel the complaining is unnecessary or that I"m just an 'angry ol' lady' or something instead of understanding I need to just get it out.

You know how there are some people that claim this positive attitude 100% of the time. That's not possible.

[kayc]

I hope you can find a more supportive friend to "vent" to, but I also know that's hard.  I had a friend that whenever I'd try to tell her about my day or something someone did to me, she'd counter it with something, when all I wanted was to "be heard".  It was to the point of feeling she disagreed with how I felt about everything.  I soon realized she was not someone I could confide in.  I miss my friend that moved to TX because we could talk about anything.  It's not the same on the phone as it was back in the day we could get together and enjoy a cappuccino together.  I hope we both find a new bestie because they're invaluable!

[iPraiseHim]

It is the day before Valentines and my perspective about this has changed since I watched this last night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ro4U5xdxTJc

This was on another post but still haven't figured out how to post it here.

It helps to explain the transition I have been going through ever so gradually.  I'm truing to make sense out of the death of my wife.  It hasn't stopped the tears, pain, or grief but it does help me to put things into perspective.  I am so thankful I can remember the good times. 

This weekend last year. was the most special, time my wife, Rose Anne and I had together.  I asked her how could I make it special for her.  I got her favorite treat (Mediterranean cookies) and they came in a week early.  She enjoyed just a couple each day because she was managing her blood sugar. 

She found a beef prime rib recipe she wanted to  try.  She read the instructions while I was in the kitchen preparing the dinner.  Everything turned out well and she was so happy and pleased.  She was so appreciative of the effort I made to make it a special day for us.  I was off the entire weekend and we enjoyed talking, reminiscing about all the years of our life together.  Despite how weak she was she was genuinely happy and at peace. 

Her eyes would just twinkle when she looked at me.  We held hands, hugged and enjoyed each other's company.  We watched movies and had a great memorable weekend together.  So this weekend, I'm planning a special meal and time with my sweetheart.  I will remember the great times and good memories we have shared together for over twenty six years.  She loves me unconditionally.  No pretense or games or ulterior motives. She genuinely loved me and accepted me as I am.  And I loved her unconditionally as well.  Thank you, God, for the opportunity to love my wife in sickness and in health.  I never tired of loving her, serving her, helping her. It was a joy! 

It was so humbling for her as she became weaker and weaker for her to depend on me.  She was so independent and self-sufficient until she got sick. I am glad she could trust me to help her in her weaker days.  True love does not die.  Her love for me is with me and helps sustain me as I go forward in life. This is a special weekend and I chose to remember the good times that we shared.  Shalom 

Edited February 13, 2016 by MartyT
Link inserted

[MartyT]

Beautiful, George. Just lovely. Thank you  ♥

[scba]

Thank you George for posting this video. It is very helpful. 

[Froggie4635]

Dear George,

Thank you so much for the wonderful video...and for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Hugs to you.

Maryann

 

[Guest Janka]

On ‎10‎.‎2‎.‎2016 at 4:51 PM, kayc said:

I'm sorry if I'm guilty of trying to offer solutions to people when all they want is to vent.  I guess it comes from living alone so long, I have to "fix" everything myself or it doesn't get dealt with.  I understand most women don't want something "fixed", they just want to be heard.  Be reassured that even if I open my mouth when I shouldn't, I still "hear you"!  I understand the frustration of the broken zipper on a coat, been there!  But I also understand, the real frustration is not the coat, it's the not having your sister to talk to.
Maybe you can tell your mom you're sorry you snapped at her, that it wasn't her you were upset with.  

I still get those days where I think "If George was here, this wouldn't be a problem!"  and it's true, he'd replace the back of the garage and fix the shed and help me paint the house and clean it out.  Sometimes, alone, things can seem insurmountable, esp. with physical and financial limitations.  And of course, at the end of the day I just miss him holding me and being able to talk over the day with him.  Together we felt we could tackle anything, as I'm sure all of you felt!

 You´re right,Kay!I agree with you.

Hugs from Janka

[iPraiseHim]

It has been a beautiful weekend remembering the wonderful time we had together last year.  I fixed one of Rose Anne's favorite meals (and mine) and enjoyed the flavors, tastes, and memories of the past.  I am going to try and remember all of the good things our life together meant. I have lived, loved, and learned so much with my precious, beloved bride. I listened to a sermon today about unconditional love based on 1 Corinthians chapter 13 by John Mac Arthur. www.gty.org.  and I found; watched and listened to Smooth Jazz on Radio Tunes.  My wife loved to watch and listen to Jimi King Live on Sundays 12-2pm.  I finally found the link so I could watch it.  They were good times and fond memories. My heart is full.

Tomorrow will be the last day of this first year of grief. In two days, it will be the day my wife says will be her death day someday in the future. but know of us knows when that day will come.   I will by God's Grace, choose life as fully as I am able.  I am sure I will fall and stumble again. It's okay to fall.  the important step is to get up and keep moving forward.  This grief is another expression of love, loss, and redemption.

This has been quite a journey, that I had to reluctantly take. Everyone of us actually.  But the beauty of this group is we can share openly here and know that others  understand and have compassion and love for us.  I am going to watch that video from Darcie Sims again.  It was so profound in a way that touched my heart and helped me understand the purpose of this grief.  Thank you, Darcy.  May you rest in peace knowing you have touched many lives whom you never met.  Shalom     

[Kpl48]

Thank you for sharing these videos. What a great group of people. 

[Guest]

George - Thank you so much for sharing.  Darcie spoke of where I am trying desperately to go.  I cried through the whole thing but was reaffirmed in the direction I am struggling to find.  Gratitude for having been chosen by a most remarkable individual.  I know she doesn't want me hurting and so I must find a way to relish what she was and what she gave to me.