Shock And Awe

[iPraiseHim]

I am struggling again. in a weird limbo.  Much to do; getting too little sleep, taxes due, and projects piling up.  An the one year mark of Rose Annie's death is just a couple of weeks away.  No Valentine. Lonely times; rough roller coaster grief ride.  Dental problems. dentist problems, taxes, panic, anxiety, insurance payment accountability issues, ( company discrepancy); reports, etc..  Thankfully I can still work.  It is just a rough path right now.  I still read the post her when I can, but everyone here pretty much says and relates to my grief journey.  Sometime I just want to stop thinking about all the time. Shalom

[Gwenivere]

I'm so sorry to read where you are, George.  It is pretty amazing that despite our individual lives, we all feel the same things.  I do hope you don't get suffocated in the tasks you are facing.  It's bad enough what we have lost and have to live thru without added challenges.  

[kayc]

Oh George, I pray some of these things get sorted out so you can focus and not feel so overwhelmed, it's just too much sometimes, isn't it.

[Guest]

12 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Sometime I just want to stop thinking about all the time. 

 

George 

I can so relate.  Sometimes I feel the need to just try to avoid thinking about IT.  Six months today and I feel so lost.  Thankfully it is beautiful here today, sunny and warming so it will make for a good walk.  Hope your dental work goes okay.  This time of year is so challenging without having to deal with the other things as well.  Best wishes.

[kayc]

George...I thought of you today with all the insurance hassles you've had...I just found out in the newspaper that my Moda Health Insurance that I got through the federal exchange, is failing and I'm going to be switched to something else, I don't know when and I don't know how much it'll cost me or what the coverage will be.  You'd think they would check out the health insurance companies BEFORE putting them on the federal health exchange, especially as this is MANDATED that we have one!  I feel betrayed by the federal government that is supposed to be "helping" us!

[iPraiseHim]

Tough week.  I just completed the mandatory  tax paperwork due tomorrow for all employers regarding taxes.  The W-2,W-3 must be reported online now and someone decided to truncate the login names and passwords for access.  I have no access. when I repeatedly called the IRS., they hang you up. no hold all lines are busy.  I sent e-mails on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday... still no response. 

I'm really in the pits for the memories and tears in what I had to do today. My wife has a POGO account were she played games, designed mini-pogos, and won badges, awards, etc...  It was a real help  to distract her from the pain of diabetes and disability for six years.  As her Mom used to say, " She was dying by degrees." The first six months of my wife, total disability she was in such pain and weakness that I feared she would die then.  the pain and symptoms got manageable but her energy to do things continued to diminish as time passed. 

Her POGO account comes up for renewal on February 5th.  Since she can't play  POGO anymore there's no sense paying for another year.  I took snapshots of her score, badges, minis. etc. I turned it off today and my heart is tore up.  I couldn't even play POGO or look at her account for the first six months. It is just another example that she is not here anymore and won't be coming back.  I'm an eternal persistent optimist. But this will just not happen.  I am surprised and stunned by the depth of my despair over this. 

"Grief and loss are such isolating experiences, because after the initial sanctioned rituals, most people get on with their lives and do not realize that those closest to the deceased do not have that option. Initial outpourings of support become trickles and the grieving are left alone in the sacred silence of their sadness." ( This was  a quote from another post but it didn't give the right credit for it!)*

I fought unipolar depression for years before I met my beloved wife.  I was on the mend and in a good place before we met.  I had a great life every day with my sweetest soul mate.  It is difficult looking forward to life now when I see what I see.  "This too shall pass"  I would like to skip over this part if I could.  Sorry for rambling. It would be so easy for me to hibernate and isolate, but that is not facing the reality of life.  Shalom.

 

*Note: The quote by Alison Nappi can be found here: 

 

 

Edited February 1, 2016 by MartyT
Quote cited

[Dew's Girl]

George, I am sorry that you had a rough week and are feeling so isolated.  I find that the hardest part of this whole thing.  The person who we would normally turn to for help shouldering our burdens is the one who is missing.  

I will keep you in my thoughts and hope this week is a bit better.

Amy

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, iPraiseHim said:

Her POGO account comes up for renewal on February 5th.  Since she can't play  POGO anymore there's no sense paying for another year.  I am surprised and stunned by the depth of my despair over this. 

"Grief and loss are such isolating experiences, because after the initial sanctioned rituals, most people get on with their lives and do not realize that those closest to the deceased do not have that option. Initial outpourings of support become trickles and the grieving are left alone in the sacred silence of their sadness." ( This was  a quote from another post but it didn't give the right credit for it!

I had to do the same thing with Steve's phone and drop some domains from Go Daddy.  I did not realize how much it would impact me to stop something I didn't even use.  But it was a piece of him that was 'erased'.  The quote you included is so true.  That is why I know many of us feel so invalidated at times when people wonder why we haven't moved on like they have.  It isn't a choice we made to feel this pain.  No one would do that.  They have no clue about the alonenes that is so immense it is beyond words to describe.

[Guest]

After several months of leaving Deedo's phone active for family and friends I looked at the call list, nothing so I disconnected it.  Two days later my daughter was really missing mom and called expecting to hear her voice message.  Was crushed when the call did not go through.  

[Froggie4635]

George,

I felt the same way.  I know I needed to cancel Mark's phone line, but I wouldn't do it until I found a way to record his outgoing voicemail message.  I used to call his phone all the time just to hear his voice, so I found a company that would.  Then I finally disconnected his line.  It hurt like hell.  His name and number is still listed in my address book on my phone.  For the longest time, I kept up with his emails on his Yahoo account.  He never had another email address for stuff, so his box would get filled up with junk I would have to sort through...so I finally just turned it off.  I should have forwarded all the emails he had saved, but I didn't.  His Facebook page is still open, and at important dates and events, I will post and copy to his page.  I also go back and read all the listings that were written when he died...and the ones that were written for his birthday (two days before he died).  I have his old desktop computer that I plan on starting up one day and read the things he saved there.  I still get mail with his name on it.  I can't throw it away, so I put it in a drawer in the foyer. 

[hollowheart]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That is why I know many of us feel so invalidated at times when people wonder why we haven't moved on like they have.  It isn't a choice we made to feel this pain.  No one would do that.  They have no clue about the alonenes that is so immense it is beyond words to describe.

Reading the posts about disconnecting phones and such, this is yet one more reason we can't 'move on' and like you said, why people wonder why we can't/don't or they just say 'you have to keep pushing forward' but there are SO MANY things you have to take care of keep on taking care of and doing when someone passes away.

My sisters computer still sits in her office. The idea of getting on there doing anything, or just moving it, disconnecting it, whatever, makes my heart want to explode. I never even bothered with emails or her facebook, she didn't use it anyway. She has Youtube videos, I don't know if I can record any of them to keep just so I have some video of her and her voice. As you said 'We didn't have this choice" that is what destroys my heart. I don't want to go through her things that she loved and figure out what to do with it, knowing that is all that is left. I think of all the crap I have, it would have been the same situation.

I'm just having a hard time today.

[kayc]

When George died, we shared an email account, and I continued to use it for quite some time, but eventually went to an email that is on line rather than stored on the PC because I could access it from work.  I still have that old account, but was disheartened to see they "cleaned it up" and all of our saved emails are now gone.  Still I have it there, just cuz.

[Margm]

Me too Kay..  I periodically go through and clean out all the things advertising for fishing equipment and wishing he could order all of it.  

[scba]

I keep his smartphone on, I check his email to keep it clean from spam. I'm posting this using his phone. His phone was the last thing he gave me before going into surgery and I cannot separate from it until this machine dies too. I don't even take it out of home in fear it could be stolen.

 

[iPraiseHim]

12 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

His Facebook page is still open, and at important dates and events, I will post and copy to his page.  I also go back and read all the listings that were written when he died...and the ones that were written for his birthday (two days before he died).

Facebook closed access to my wife's account when they found out she died.  I found out Facebook has options about how you want your account handled when you pass on.  A friend had posted a condolence message on his wall that when to all his friends which included my wife. Shalom.

[iPraiseHim]

I finished the W-2, W-3 to the Social Security online.  (I am relieved to get all of the paperwork done by the deadline.)They answered their phone.  Their description on how to setup a new password was confusing.  Here is wonderful bureaucratic logic. Ever year I have to call in to get the Business Online Social Security to reset the account.  We only file this report ONCE a year.  But someone in their INFINITE WISDOM decided to make the passwords expire every ninety days.  If you do not log in and change them ( 4 TIMES each year) then you have to do go through this other long arduous process.  Sounds like government job security!

Today, is the seventh anniversary of my younger brother, Patrick's death.  He passed away in his sleep.  I spoke to him two days earlier and he was battling walking pneumonia but his death was a complete shock to our family.  His doctor refused to sign the death certificate because he just saw him a week earlier and couldn't believe he died.  He lived with my farther as he was permanently disabled and couldn't work due to some health issues.

My client doesn't like the month of February because so many of her relative died then.  I am beginning to dislike it, too! And we have an extra day this year (leap year).  Shalom 

[Gwenivere]

I tried to shutdown Steve's FB account.  There were so many things they wanted beyond a death certificate.  I sing know why it bothers me it is stil there, but it does.  I think because people have used it for the 'look at me and how concerned I am' factor.  Used it on the one year anniversary instead of contacting me.  

[kayc]

Gwen, too bad you didn't have his pw and just go in and deactivate it before they found out he died.  I went through it when I tried to cancel George's Paypal account, which he set up with my work email account, when our shared account wasn't working one time, he needed a different email address and back then we only had one shared one.  So after he died I figured I needed to get the emails stopped on my work account because Paypal was spamming it.  I called and told them he died.  They wanted me to contact an estate lawyer and file probate when I didn't need to because I was his only heir and he had nothing to inherit anyway but bills.  After telling them he was dead, the girl asked to speak to him!  I told her I'd love to speak to him too but I couldn't because, like I said, he was dead!  I had a copy of his death certificate, she wasn't interested in that.  So instead, I canceled his account by submitting a copy of his driver's license, utility bill and something else I don't remember.  They accepted that after having told them he was already dead!  I think they're nuts!

[Guest Janka]

16 minutes ago, kayc said:

Gwen, too bad you didn't have his pw and just go in and deactivate it before they found out he died.  I went through it when I tried to cancel George's Paypal account, which he set up with my work email account, when our shared account wasn't working one time, he needed a different email address and back then we only had one shared one.  So after he died I figured I needed to get the emails stopped on my work account because Paypal was spamming it.  I called and told them he died.  They wanted me to contact an estate lawyer and file probate when I didn't need to because I was his only heir and he had nothing to inherit anyway but bills.  After telling them he was dead, the girl asked to speak to him!  I told him I'd love to speak to him too but I couldn't because, like I said, he was dead!  I had a copy of his death certificate, she wasn't interested in that.  So instead, I canceled his account by submitting a copy of his driver's license, utility bill and something else I don't remember.  They accepted that after having told them he was already dead!  I think they're nuts!

Such a gallows humor,Kay!What a shock it has been for you...This world is crazy,not ourselves!

Janka

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I did have Steve's POA.  Shutting down a Facebook account is incredibly commplicated.  I shut down PayPal quite easily.  They were easy to deal with.  Facebook wanted death certificate, POA, probate and some other form they created.  I'm a simple soul, so in my mind a death certificate should be ample proof the person will not be using the account.  PayPal and ATT saw it that way when I closed the accounts.  It was Mitch that had the sarcastic view of FB.  It's like some entity of technical power and almost artifice intelligence to us minions it views us as.  Plus, you can't talk to a human being.  That itself makes me wonder..just who IS Facebook?  Has it secrectly disposed of the humans that created it?   

[kayc]

What you're saying about FB is what I ran into from Paypal.  Maybe they're improved since then, but seriously, I couldn't believe they asked to speak to him when I'd already told them he was dead!  And they wouldn't accept his death cert. or close it.  They were horrible!

[hollowheart]

19 hours ago, kayc said:

  After telling them he was dead, the girl asked to speak to him!  I told him I'd love to speak to him too but I couldn't because, like I said, he was dead! 

omg, really? I was done when you said she wanted to speak to him. I know I would have said "Me too!" as well.

I'm not even going to bother with my sisters facebook. She didn't use it anyway. I do need to cancel credit cards and her cell phone, nope still never did any of that. I'm just getting past due bills for her stuff and ignoring them. Yeah, I know.

[iPraiseHim]

The time is fast approaching.  I proposed to my wife on Valentines day. We had a great Valentines day last year. We reminisced about our life together for the past 25 years.  My wife was very weak but  got her favorite gift, made a special dinner That she told me how to cook, and we just enjoyed the entire weekend together.  We laughed, hugged, kissed, and cried.  We were so happy.  Two day later, on the 16th is when I found her dead when I came home from work.  All of the details are in my initial posts.  It is almost amazing that I have survived the whole year.  At times, I secretly ( not so secret) wanted to die because I didn't want to live with out my wife.  This has been a year of firsts.  None of which, I have liked.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I am gradually leaning to live out each day as fully as I can. Thanks everyone for your encouragement, love, and support.  This is a great group for which I am eternally grateful.  Shalom. 

[Gwenivere]

We never think of the unimaginable when we pick special occasions to make things so special between us and our beloveds.  Who would have ever thought our wedding anniversaries, thier birthdays, special holidays could possibly cause us so much pain when at the time they were the epitome of celebrating our time together?  And now we have our world upended by those times we dread and have to redifine as we are redefining life alone.  Love was the most cherished thing in my life.  I wouldn't change the past, but I never ever saw this coming.  The flip side of that joy is the most horrific pain.  It's accepting that that is so very hard.

[scba]

Gwen, that is exactly what I think. I never, ever, I swear, saw nor think that this horrible pain is part of the sincere, faithful beautiful love story I was, I am, part of. Love was my dream. He was my dream.

If love is a grace, a gift, a blessing, I confess I dont see it this way anymore. I have watched a stupid romantic movie thinking that I wont ever, ever, never have any scene from the movie coming from him and that I must live 40 years with this reality, no matter what. On the other hand, I want to believe that this is the first and last time that we are going to be apart. I struggle a lot with God and his work, now with love. I feel I have been cheated by both. Grief to me has become a tragedy cause I feel I cannot believe in anything again.