New Widow and I can't seem to want to live on

[Kpl48]

Thank you Froggie!

Love

Kristine

[WolfsKat]

On ‎12‎/‎14‎/‎2015 at 1:36 PM, Brad said:

Kristine,

I know so well about the wanting to die.  I don't see much point in going on.  Like you I am not suicidal (Deedo would kill me if I killed myself) but at the same time I would welcome death because as of right now life seems meaningless and empty.  Shortly after Deedo's death I had a follow up visit on a mass in my small bowel.  I was literally very disappointed when it turned out not to be cancer.  I honestly cannot see a future but I do know there is one.  For today I'll just try to make it through the next little bit, meet some of the goals I've set for myself, and hope my meds allow me to sleep.

I can sure relate to that.....the not being suicidal but welcoming death.....as it does feel, much of the time, that I AM already dead, in many respects.  I had a few "scares"  a year ago, tumors....thyroid/breast....turned out benign.....we were overjoyed!  But, honestly?  If I discovered tumors again?  I very much doubt I'd do anything about them...would take my chances.  I just see a future that will be too damn hard to live in without Connor. We'd hoped we'd die together (but old).....we each knew how hard it would be for the one left to go on, we were so very close.  I hope this feeling eases, for my family's sake....my kids are so very worried about me, they are over a thousand miles away though. I just hope they know, if something were to happen to me....that while sad to leave them, I would be ecstatic to be reunited with my beloved Connor!

[Gwenivere]

Sometimes I wonder what 'suicidal' actually means in grief.  Certainly were we to voice we don't want to go on without our partner, it would be taken out of the context we mean.  I feel as many have said that if I were to get some dire diagnosis, I think (we never know how we would truly react especially when the loss is close in time and that could be years) I would also not pursue treatment.  Having been the caregiver and seen what treatment can do and being alone now, no one to do that for me unless you hire someone (ugh), and factoring in feeling dead already...I have to wonder what could possibly make me want to stay here.  When testing saying this a few times people have said don't even think that way!  While I care about them, the very few hours I see them in a week isn't like having your partner 24/7.  That's what they don't get.  I have one very honest friend that said, she would miss me but understand my choosing to follow my soulmate.  

[scba]

 A friend of mine was shocked to hear me saying that if I die no one would care, and I was shocked to know that she didnt want to lose me even though she "knew" why I was willing to die. I believe that there is going to be someone who will go through this awful grief if we die, no matter if we are willing to go to be reunited with our spouses. If I die, my MiL will be destroyed for this second loss and my parents will have to go through this hell I'm living, but worse. They are still young parents. So, I don't want to die because I dont want them to suffer as I do. If I learn that I have a terminal disease, I think I would fight in the limits of dignity. My boyfriend fought until the very end, and during his whole life. Could I just do the opposite? I dont know...this is what I think about the subject, today. 

[Guest]

I think age greatly impacts the concept of fighting on or not. Additionally, it is mostly conjecture, as Gwenivere pointed out, none of us know how we'll respond until we are there.

That being said, if I were to die I have three children and four grandkids who would miss me. BUT I talk to the kids daily for about ninety minutes combined and see the grandkids as often as possible. I am still alone most of the time. My better half, the one who could always make me smile, the one who was waiting for me when I got home and filled my days with laughter, is now gone and I miss her and I miss who we were. So it makes sense to me to have an attitude of: I had a great life until it wasn't. Maybe someday I'll fill this awful void but until then I don't see heroics in my future. But then I also don't see much of a future. 

[Gwenivere]

This is something I have had to drill into various doctors that have told me...you took care of Steve for so long, it is now time to take care of you.  I tell them that isn't really a priority at this time.  I do what I can about eating and sleep, but some things just aren't worth the effort.  You have to care about living to be proactive about some of the things they offer to 'make our lives better'.    After years of medical nightmares with him, voluntarily doing procedures is not for me.  Maybe someday.  

I still have the vice of smoking.  Cut way back years ago, but I still do.  After many times of explaining the depression and emptiness, they have finally let up on me.  I can't and won't take on another battle right now.  And for what?  So I can be healthier in my grief?  I think of all the things I could be doing like illegal drugs and excessive alcohol and not, so figure I am the limit of adding more weight to this heavy heart.  

[Margm]

I have all pain medicine from Biilly's illness.   I could not stand the idea of my kids and my granddaughter seeing my death face mask the way I saw Billy's, because it.would haunt them like Billy's haunts me.  My widow neighbor said to get rid of the pills.  I will not use them because I figure good ole honest illness will take me first.  I will hoard his clothes and hobbies until I cant go through them.  I have to go finish up business in January and pay what the insurance and Medicare did not. I can afford a nice apartment, but I want people of all ages on.all the sides, top and bottom.   I do not want to live in a senior nothing.  I want young life around me.  If I "have to stay" I want it on my terms.

[WolfsKat]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

I do not want to live in a senior nothing.  I want young life around me.  If I "have to stay" I want it on my terms.

I understand that!  I'm in Florida (aka God's Waiting Room) and while the park I live in is nice/safe, it IS a "seniors" park (55 & up) and I'm about 15+ years younger than the majority of residents. Not uncommon to see an ambulance in the park (everyone follows in golf carts to see whom it's for)......always hearing of someone who has passed....the newsletter that lists the ones who've died either here or back up north (many are snowbirds) or are currently in hospital. And, while most here are very pleasant people, a lot of busybodys as well.....I had ladies we never even knew query me on my new widowhood....wanting the "juicy details"....I went through a period of not leaving my home until very late night to avoid these types.  So I can easily understand why you'd prefer to live in a mixed age environment!

[WolfsKat]

It's been a full month since this initial post.  Since being up "home" for the holidays, I've come to realize just how much I'd be missed....and how  much my children, although grown, still need me in their lives, even long distance.  They are still reeling from my Mom's death this past February (she was very beloved) and Connor's death in October.  While I'm finding it hard to find joy in my everyday existence.....I am no longer having wishes for a quick death to rejoin my Connor......I love my kids so very much, how could I wish for my passing, when it would inflict this terrible burden of grief upon them?  If it happens naturally, so be it.....but I'm no longer actively praying for death to come for me, and taking care of myself a bit better.  I guess this is a good step in this process.....although I know I'll still think, oh how wonderful it would be to rejoin Connor NOW, from time to time.

[Margm]

WolfsKat, I have an admission that I am so ashamed of.  Family matters became so heavy on me, I actually threatened suicide.  My religious belief is up in the air, literally, and I might not be with Billy if I did that.  But, the police were going to be called and I was going to be "put away."  I am not that weak.  I had a moment of weakness, and a means to carry it out.  I think we all have those moments of weakness, but my moment became a threat that if I was not left alone, it was what I was going to do.  "Police, and put away" were two things my family could do to me.  Usually, I have found, threats are just that.  I just wanted peace.  No one was giving me peace.  I am getting a little peace now though.  I would not hurt my granddaughter like that.  It was a moment of stupid drama trying for my own independence.  I think my reasoning came across, but it was so stupid of me.  I am not that weak.  And...........I am so ashamed of myself.  Some people have no one.  I am lucky, I have a lot of people helping me, but I have a lot of people thinking they are helping that causes me much drama.  And again, over and over, I am so ashamed to even be telling this.

[MartyT]

Kat, I'm grateful to you for posting this. What you've experienced is what usually happens: that initial desire for a quick and immediate death diminishes over time, as you come to realize that you can and you will survive this terrible loss. That is not to say that this is easy ~ far from it ~ but it is an indication that you are moving forward. As you say, if it happens naturally, so be it ~ and certainly you will continue to think how wonderful it would be to rejoin your beloved, and certainly you will long for that from time to time. But it is your precious Connor who died. You did not die. You are still here, and you still have your own life to live. That is the best way you can pay tribute to your beloved: to live a good life in his honor.  ♥

[MartyT]

Marg, my dear, I've just read your post, and I say the same to you: Thank you for sharing this. Having thoughts of suicide is far more common in the early phases of grief than you may think ~ and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. That is the biggest problem with this particular grief reaction: Most people who feel this way are afraid (or ashamed) to admit it, for fear that others will think less of them, or think that they are mentally ill and in need of being locked up for their own safety. In grief, what we really want is for this horrible pain to end, and / or to be reunited with our loved one who died. But as I say in my article, Thoughts of Suicide in Grief, there is a big difference between having thoughts of suicide and acting on those thoughts. Please put away those thoughts of being ashamed. You are human, and there is no shame in that.

[Margm]

Thanks Marty.  I get so frustrated sometimes with good meaning interference, and also sometimes the meanings are selfish on their part.  We worked hard for 80 years, we planned our retirement from the time Billy was 20 years old.  Right now I need to help myself and pay off doctor bills the very good insurance did not cover.  I am not rich, but I will be destitute if I am not very careful.  I am not selfish at all, I help out and Billy and I have "helped out" to doing without ourselves and did not mind.  I don't have Billy with me anymore and sometimes I have to make decisions that make other people angry.  I am just going to have to keep on making those decisions.  But, I am not suicidal.  It was just a threat that backfired on me.  I had a traffic ticket in the early 1960's, and that is as close to  the police as I want to get.  I was going 10 mph over the speed limit.

[Kpl48]

I haven't shared in a while but I've been reading all your shares. Your writings mean so much to me and often give me the will to live on. I made a slide show of my Andre on my iPhone. I look at it and cry and cry. It brings up good memories for me. It also reminds me he is gone. I miss him so so much. I know you all truly understand this. 

During times of intense grief, I sometimes contact friends. I'm seeking comfort, understanding and empathy. Lately the few people I have trusted to share this with have been coming up with psycho babble. They ask me if I'm angry, if I'm angry (like a little brat) because I now have to take care of myself? These responses really hurt because what I'm feeling is grief, agony for the loss of my husband and a deep longing to be with him again. I don't call these people unless I'm desperate. I usually call them to say hi and I listen to them share about their lives. 

I understand wanting to die to end the pain and maybe to be reunited with the loved one we have lost. I have have the longing for death when I'm alone. My health is good so I would have to commit suicide. I have wished to become so ill that I will die. I'm still getting out almost every day and that brings some relief. I feel exhausted too and spend a couple of days in bed. When I try to do things around my house I start sweating so bad I have to sit in front of a fan, despite the fact that it's cold. Because of this, I pay a friend to help me several hours a week. Doing things around the house reminds me that Andre isn't here anymore. 

I pray that none of us follows through with the wish to die. I'm grateful we can share about it here without being judged. I do think the wish to die is in hopes of ending the pain, the longing, and the heartache along with the yearning to be with our loved ones again. I believe sharing about it with each other helps us live on like our beloveds want us to do. Thank you all for being there...I'm very grateful. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

I've come to realize just how much I'd be missed....and how  much my children, although grown, still need me in their lives, even long distance.  They are still reeling from my Mom's death this past February (she was very beloved) and Connor's death in October.  While I'm finding it hard to find joy in my everyday existence.....I am no longer having wishes for a quick death to rejoin my Connor......I love my kids so very much, how could I wish for my passing, when it would inflict this terrible burden of grief upon them?  If it happens naturally, so be it.....but I'm no longer actively praying for death to come for me, and taking care of myself a bit better.

Kat-

Kids and grandkids do have a way of putting our selfish wishes into perspective.  I also realize that while I was actively wish for death so I could join Deedo, I continued to take my medications and continued to exercise daily.  Not the behavior of one actively trying to end life.  For me, I have an advantage if I really wish to die; I simply need to stop taking two medicines and let nature take it's course.  I don't see it as suicide in that I am not actively ending my life, I'm just letting the chronic disease and the damage it has caused have its way.  For now I am proactively prolonging my life and will for the next several years. There will come a time when my quality of life starts to decline that I will revisit my medications.  Until then I will go to the gym and take my pills.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

I pray that none of us follows through with the wish to die. I'm grateful we can share about it here without being judged. I do think the wish to die is in hopes of ending the pain, the longing, and the heartache along with the yearning to be with our loved ones again.

I know I was scared when I felt this way.  It had only entered my mind once before in my life, but not as intensely.  I even thought of ways and that concerned me.  Knowing that is a normal reaction helped immensely.  I quickly learned saying anything about it was not taken well except to my counselor and one friend who grasped the pain and desire for release.  Grief is so much harder when you have to choose your words carefully since our minds are not running %100 as it is.  Or maybe they are, but on a whole different level.  To be able to voice anything we feel is so necessary.  Otherwise I feel we get trapped in a quicksand.  To move forward is to experience each stepping stone along the way.  No cheating, can't be done.

[hollowheart]

5 hours ago, MartyT said:

You did not die. You are still here, and you still have your own life to live. That is the best way you can pay tribute to your beloved: to live a good life in his honor.  ♥

This is so hard to figure out how to do when they were what made this life good.

[MartyT]

My dear hollowheart, I do not mean to imply that this is easy. But given how you are feeling, I wonder if you might consider how you could feel more connected with your sister as you move forward with your life.  For example, rather than avoiding reminders of your sister that come with entering her apartment and sorting through her things, are there ways that you can use her belongings to help you recall special moments that you shared? Can you think of those qualities in her that made her such an important person in your life ~ her strengths, her values, her personality ~ all those things about her that might connect you to her spirit and inspire you to honor her memory in some meaningful way? Could you write your sister a letter, identifying all the gifts she gave to you ~ the legacies she left behind that you could emulate? Can you meditate on what she would want for you as you go on with your own life?

I don’t mean to minimize your loss in any way, but only to suggest some ways that you might (ever so gently) begin to shift your emotions just a bit toward the positive as you find your way through your grief.

I am reminded of the wise words of Dr. Robert Neimeyer, who writes,

“. . . with seemingly all or most of your ballast once provided by your [loved one], it may be especially wise to seek such a haven in an attuned relationship with a counselor or therapist . . . who can help you orient to this changed world, find the landmarks, and with support, begin to rebuild. Like reconstructing New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, this is not something accomplished in a month or two. It begins with psychological first aid, continues with support from others, and gradually takes the form of a new life, livable in its own terms.”

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, hollowheart said:

This is so hard to figure out how to do when they were what made this life good.

I understand how you are feeling.  Marty provided some great observations and I know she has seen it all being a counselor herself.  But as always, this is your path.  I know I need gentle nudges now and then to steer my mind into a gentler path.  

One thing Steve used to say to me all the time was....I'd rather have a bad day with you than a good day without you.  Not to say we want bad days, but when we have an especially bad one like you did, at least we know it is because if the love inside.  

[kayc]

I find that when I have thoughts of dying it's not that I want dead, but there's something I don't want to face & deal with, and of course I want to join my George.  By realizing this, it helps me to stick it out and go through whatever I dread and face it, and give my "rejoining George" time to come to pass in it's natural course.  I don't want to miss what good there is for me here!  Besides, as was pointed out here, I don't want to put on my kids the very thing I don't enjoy dealing with...loss of a loved one.  

Today my kids and I learned that their good friend Jason's body was found after being missing since Dec. 26/27.  Hearing them face the loss of a second close friend way too young doesn't make me in any rush for them to have to deal with my own death.  Gotta stick around a good long while yet!

[WolfsKat]

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

WolfsKat, I have an admission that I am so ashamed of.  Family matters became so heavy on me, I actually threatened suicide.  My religious belief is up in the air, literally, and I might not be with Billy if I did that.  But, the police were going to be called and I was going to be "put away."  I am not that weak.  I had a moment of weakness, and a means to carry it out.  I think we all have those moments of weakness, but my moment became a threat that if I was not left alone, it was what I was going to do.  "Police, and put away" were two things my family could do to me.  Usually, I have found, threats are just that.  I just wanted peace.  No one was giving me peace.  I am getting a little peace now though.  I would not hurt my granddaughter like that.  It was a moment of stupid drama trying for my own independence.  I think my reasoning came across, but it was so stupid of me.  I am not that weak.  And...........I am so ashamed of myself.  Some people have no one.  I am lucky, I have a lot of people helping me, but I have a lot of people thinking they are helping that causes me much drama.  And again, over and over, I am so ashamed to even be telling this.

Dear Marg

I admit, too, that the fear that suicide just might preclude me from joining Connor factored into my thinking in the early days.......perhaps as a punishment?  I'd even gone so far as to search the internet for answers to my question, "will God forgive suicide".  I was that distraught, and feeling horribly trapped in a world without Connor......one I did NOT wish to live in!  While I did not voice this aloud to anyone, apparently, it showed, as my close friends were actually concerned I would "do something stupid"....hence keeping a very close eye on me for many days.  Your threat of suicide should not cause you ANY shame.....it was your loss that created the situation in which you made that threat. We are so, so very fragile emotionally, especially when in the early stage.....and that can easily intensify, and magnify any problems we are having, such as yours in feeling that family was not giving you any peace, and having to deal with the drama. You had become overwhelmed by it.....and the threat was your cry of "ENOUGH"!   Marg, again....please never feel ashamed to relate things like this, you know that none here will judge you, and many will understand, compassionately, as I do. You are not a weak woman.....you are an honest one, sharing with us part of your ongoing struggle to live this new life!  I wish you strength and peace!

[Margm]

Sometimes families are a blessing and sometimes when you are alone you might have to define the words care and the different word control.  My neighbor had to do the same thing.  The "suggestions" tend to become "orders" and I don't have Billy to protect me.  I am going to have to be strong, but I did make the suicide threat, and if I am gone there will be nothing to control.  I have to put up a strong front.  They know I have never been on my own, but I can really handle my finances without help.  I know how ugly this sounds, but sometimes "hands out" are not meant to lift you up.  And this is not paranoia talking.  And it was very stupid to use a suicide threat in my situation.

[Cookie]

Because I had to re-register for this group, I went back and read some of the blogs, and was struck at home similar the feelings are to mine.  It's been 6 1/2 months and I'm still battling depression/anxiety and a feeling of what future could there possibly be.  I also think death would not be a bad option.  I do have occasional moments, maybe an afternoon where I feel what I call neutral and have come to love that because it isn't so painful.  It is a mystery as to how anyone can survive this intact.  And, everyone is so right, if you haven't experienced this there is no way to understand it, it seems.  People really think after 6 1/2 months I should be moving on pretty well.  This is the only place I can come and realize I'm not crazy.  Almost went on antidepressants, but have backed off from that.  I would love to be able to work through this and hope there is another side after.....Cookie (Janice)

[kayc]

Cookie,

You said you had to re-register here, what was your previous name you went by here?  I'm sorry for your loss but if anyone can understand your feelings, it's surely this group here.  6.5 months is small in the grand scheme of things here on this journey, for people to expect you to move on by now is inappropriate & ridiculous.  It shows how little they know about grief!

[hollowheart]

6 hours ago, Marg M said:

The "suggestions" tend to become "orders" and I don't have Billy to protect me.

I think this is partly why I have that constant 'mad at the world' feeling all the time. I was feeling pressured to move it along, grieve and keep on with life. And it did feel like orders which made me want to fight back, and like you want Billy, I want my sister to complain to and protect me.