New Widow and I can't seem to want to live on

[WolfsKat]

Thanks to all of you for your sharing....it does help, so much...to KNOW that there are others who "get it". I'm going to keep coming here....it is helping me more than anything else right now.  I know that my Connor would want me to live on, and enjoy life....even though he'd always said  that we should die together of old age!  Gwenivere....I also especially miss the physical contact....us embracing, hugging....the little pats & touches....the happy and safe feeling of snuggling in bed together. That I'll never again have this in my life devastates me......JustGreg.....I like your thought of being a light for one another....One thing I've thought, is that I wish I could go back in time to every person I knew that was widowed,  and try to be of some better comfort. Until you, yourself, have been in this hell, you really cannot comprehend the extent of the loss!

[kayc]

I'm glad you're coming here, WolfsKat.  It has been my saving grace these past ten years.  And we can't change what we've done in the past, but this experience has definitely prepared me to know how to respond to someone in grief now.

[Gwenivere]

WolfsKat, you are so right about (and this has been talked about so much here but always bears repeating) those that have never been here not understanding what happens to our lives when we lose our partner.  Just this morning I got an email from Steve's best fried again telling me that while he knew I misses him, I need to move on with life (that is partially true) but I can see he has no idea this is much more than losing a buddy.  He has lost parents and a couple of other friends.  Perhaps he thinks he can put himself in that place of his wife being gone forever as well.  And who knows?  Maybe he is cut from a different cloth.  It made me think of how I want to respond now to people that offer me advice or suggestions instead of trying to accept this is a valid response for ME.  That will now be a question.  Have you lost your wife or husband?  No?  Then how can you possibly think you can tell me what I should do?  Or feel?  Or how fast I should get to some kind of resolution?  

I haven't the energy to spend being upset by these people anymore.  When asked how I am doing I give pat answers like hanging in there or a shrug unless I know they will listen without trying to change me.  That is a true gift in a time when terrible loneliness is your constant companion.  

I also don't know if I will ever adapt to the lack of physical contact.  That is another thing people don't get.  They say things and return to their partners.  I hug many people, but as we know, it is not the same and never will be.  That is what they don't get.  I know I didn't til it was taken from me.  I did know it scared me to think of and why I never commented on what they should feel, I had that much sense.  Semi rant mode off.  

[Margm]

Gwen and Wolfskat, I think maybe because I am already an old woman, maybe my friends are ones who most all have lost their husbands.  My kids both have a problem with depression, so neither of them tell me how to act, and none of my friends do either.  So, I guess being old in this case is a plus.  I'm sorry people can be so insensitive.  When I bought my meditations for people with grief, the girl that helped me asked if I minded talking about it.  Tears came into her eyes.  She was a young woman.  I still cannot talk about him without crying, but then she told me this was her 13th Christmas without her little girl.  Now I miss Billy so damn much it hurts me all the time, but I cannot imagine the hell that parents go through losing a child.  Sometime or the other I read that when someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, tell them "why do you want to know."  How you grieve, how long you grieve (forever), you only listen to someone that can offer you empathy, not someone that offers you "sympathetic" advice.  

[Gin]

I agree.  It is so hard.  My first husband and I divorced after 31 yrs. and 4 kids.  After meeting someone at a church singles group,. We married.  Too soon.  He ended up taking his own life, which was horrible!  I was alone for 6 years and met the love of my life on line.  He lived close to where I worked.  He was so kind, nonjudgmental, creative and affectionate.  I was so fortunate to be married to him for 15 years.  I so miss the closeness, hand holding and love.  He just turned 80 and had lots of medical issues. I know how you miss your husband.  Mine has been gone for 2 months and it is not getting better.  I am hoping that with support of the kind people in his group, we will get better and WANT to live productive lives again.  Maybe we can help others in the same situation.  Hang in there.

gin

[Margm]

Billy's family all passed away before they got 73.  I promised him I was going to carry him into his 80s.  I did get him to 75.  We met when I had just turned 18, he told me he could not have kids, the doc had told him because of mumps and what they do.  Scott was born one week before our first anniversary.  We had a lot of speed bumps, detours, and separated for six weeks one time.  By that length of time I thought I needed to "find myself" and was not sure I wanted to go back.  I'm glad I went back.  We had at least 34 years of perfect friendship and five years after our son was born along came our daughter.  I went to work and thought I was "all that" and he let me know he would make me quit the job.  Heck, I was not "all that" afterall.  He had told me at first marriage was 75-man, 25 female.  BS.  We figured it all out.  He tamed me and I tamed him.  He was me, I was him.  He was my very best friend, and after my admission of my big secret I talked to a psychiatrist about, he forgave me, never mentioned it again, (but he was not so innocent himself).  It was a lot of forgiveness in our growing up years, but us and the kids grew up together and it was wonderful, camping out, going on vacations, and finally trust on both sides.  He could not understand what I had to tell to a psychiatrist that I could not tell him, so I told him.  He was a tough, proud man, but after the separation he knew what he wanted and finally I did too.  So, we had a bunch of years of perfect marriage after a few years of growing up.  Those 54 years were the most fun, the happiest, the most mixed up at first, and finally a perfect friendship and I miss the dickens out of him.  He was so laid back, never got in a hurry for anything, I said he was the type of person that would live forever.  I was supposed to go first, I had been the sickest for a long time.  But, the doctors said they had hope for me.  They gave us none for Billy, and that laid back, perfect individual, that slow moving fellow, that genius in mathematics, supervisor of a laboratory, he did something totally unlike him.  He passed away so fast and I wanted a miracle.  I know I got 54 years, but I wanted 54 more.  We finally learned how to do it right, how to make marriage work.  It was too soon.............And, that is the history of Billy the Kid.  Irreplaceable.  

[scba]

Dear Gwen, I understand the feeling regarding other people's remarks. IPersonally believe that some want to find an explanation, but for themselves, to what happened just not to admit that this cannot make sense, that death, birth, disease and accidents are random and therefore they can be the next one in this journey. In spite of the fact that my boyfriend had a disease from birth, I had to endure remarks like, disease comes from your mind, it is a karma, it is because his great grand parent this and that.. what??? And this came from friends, not people at a bar. In spite of my pain I couldnt send them to shut up. This happened in the early months. Today no one says anything and the matter is not discussed and I am not asked about my grief. 

Another issue I deal with is the assumption that grief and pain is an attitude, therefore a choice. It is my choice to be sad, upset and hopeless. Oh well.....

Some one in this forum told that with time grief becomes a very private issue because conversations with people who care (or dont) about you, but who haven't gone through it, brings only more confusion to both parts. I agree. I share my feelings mostly here and with 2 or 3 friends. For the rest, Im doing very well. It is not fair and I am not glad with it, but what can I do? I am tired. 

[Gwenivere]

17 hours ago, scba said:

Another issue I deal with is the assumption that grief and pain is an attitude, therefore a choice. It is my choice to be sad, upset and hopeless. Oh well.....

I am tired. 

 Scba, that is the absolute worst reaction I have run into.  That I am choosing to feel this way.  Of course Steve would want me to live a full and happy life.  He also knew it would be impossible losing the love of your life.  We discussed it many times if the situation was reversed.   And even he didn't have the understanding I do now.  I know these people are doing more for themselves than they are for me.  It couldn't be more obvious the fear this elicits in them it could happen to them.  Or, I get the pity look.  I'm sure you all are familiar with that.  Nothing to offer, but that look!  Can't even describe it.  

I am tired too.  What I wouldn't give to feel some positive energy that lasted longer than a short time and not dependent on distraction.  I love our home and so want to feel peace in all the memories and work we did.  I do in some ways, but there is no doubt that without him the place has become so large and quiet.

[Gwenivere]

22 hours ago, Marg M said:

 Sometime or the other I read that when someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, tell them "why do you want to know."  How you grieve, how long you grieve (forever), you only listen to someone that can offer you empathy, not someone that offers you "sympathetic" advice.  

Margaret, this would work well if people asked me about the grief.   My problem is being told about my grief and how I handle it by people that have never been here.  That is why I need a stronger reply like 'how would you know?'.  May not win me any friends, but it feels good to stand up for myself.  Advice is cheap.  Empathy is golden.

[Margm]

Empathy is something I never knew.  I knew sympathy and then could/would leave.  I did not understand.  I hate it for anyone to have to understand.  There is one person in our life right now that does not want to be around us because we are sad.  I hope that person never has to face this issue, because when they do, they will understand sadness.  I hear this person laughing inappropriately all the time, which to me is really stupid.  We will come out of this in our own time, on our own, at our on pace.  The Rumi picture that was put on by me somewhere earlier is the truth.  It is our path and no one can walk it but us.  We cannot have anyone hold our hand and walk beside us, it is something we have to do alone.  I believe eventually we will come out of this fog.  It will never be the same because there is something  missing from our life.  You cannot grow a new arm or leg, and you cannot walk without a leg without crutches.  We have lost a part of our self that can never be replaced, and we have to learn to walk with whatever crutches we can find.  Like Billy said "the one that is left must live."  Well Billy, I am selfish, and I wish you had been  the one left.  And saying that I feel guilty.  How could I ever want someone I loved that much to hurt like we do?  I don't.  I just want to quit hurting too.  I do not wish this on anyone.  I keep thinking about him telling me, when I had cancer, after and during the treatments, those nights I would wake up in a panic and he would say "if you die, all your suffering, all your worry, all your pain will be gone, then we will have to be the ones suffering."  Yep Billy, you were so right, like always.  

[hollowheart]

19 hours ago, scba said:

Another issue I deal with is the assumption that grief and pain is an attitude, therefore a choice. It is my choice to be sad, upset and hopeless. Oh well.....

Some one in this forum told that with time grief becomes a very private issue because conversations with people who care (or dont) about you, but who haven't gone through it, brings only more confusion to both parts. I agree. I share my feelings mostly here and with 2 or 3 friends. For the rest, Im doing very well. It is not fair and I am not glad with it, but what can I do? I am tired. 

Grief is an attitude? Oh boy, that's like a slap in the face. I have tried to be patient with my friends who mean well. When people ask how you are doing they don't really want to hear I'm suffering unbearable pain and loneliness everyday and want to die from it.  I think I also am starting to feel this jealously and anger at my friends not having to deal with what I am and their lives are just happily going on like they were, like mine was before it completely got destroyed with a horribly permanent problem.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, there are lots of suggestions for dealing with the insensitivity of others here, and Related Articles at the base of this post as well:  Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

 Like Billy said "the one that is left must live."  Well Billy, I am selfish, and I wish you had been  the one left.  And saying that I feel guilty.  How could I ever want someone I loved that much to hurt like we do?  I don't.  I just want to quit hurting too.  I do not wish this on anyone.  

I had written a reply, but it vanished. Curse the cyber gods!   Basically what I said was I still do wish I had gone first.  Not to cause Steve pain, but because even the strongest of us get worn down day after day.  I don't think it is selfish because he and I talked about this many times and that we loved each other so much, we would take this on.  But we didn't know what it would really feel like.  We who survive live day to day being worn down.  It us normal to want to stop that pain.  Ideally (and I never thought about such events that don't sound all that tragic now) we would have died together in an accident.  Perfect solution.  But we get no choice in these matters.  If the tables were turned, I would understand Steve changing his mind and the anger he would feel as I did for a long time and blaming me for his pain.  These are the tools we have as mortal emotional beings.  I have always felt guilt is a useless emotion.  It never brings anything good unless we intentionally harm someone and need a moral compass correction.  So yes, often I feel I wish it had been me.  I don't want this pain.  But I have it.  I know Steve would understand.  And for that, I love him even more.  Selfish? No.  Desperately wanting this to end and hopefully see him again?  Yes.  

[Margm]

You said exactly what I was trying to say.  Thank you so much.  Tonight is not a good night.  Is any night good?

[pet lover]

WolfsKat, I know your pain. I found this group a week ago after searching the net for support groups. I have been following the post every day now. I lost my Allan on August 14th of this year. I just realized that has been almost 4 months. It feels like much longer. We met when I wasn't even looking for a partner. I had a hard first marriage and did not want to get married again. But, when we met it was love at first sight. I tried to deny the feeling for a lone time but realized he was someone special. He was the person who could lift you up when you were sad, the one to make you laugh when you wanted to cry, to make pain not so bad. He loved people and life. And people loved him. We were together 32 years and we loved every minute of it. When he left me I felt like my life had been taken away. My reason for living was gone. I cry all the time. I can't talk about him to our friends without crying. My nights are hell and the days are not so much better. I was at a very low spot when I started to read this group's remarks. All of you talked about the feelings I have. It has really helped me to know I am not alone and the feelings I have are normal. At this time all I want is the hurt to stop. I must be getting better because as I was writting about him I wasn't crying but when I started to talk about how I feel the crying started again. Maybe I will make it through this pain after all. Thanks for listening to me and thanks to this group of very strong people.

[Froggie4635]

WolfsKat...and everyone...

This site has been a life-saver and resource that is found no where else.  Nothing helps someone to understand like experience.  So many little posts I see on Pinterest list the phrase "You can't understand until you have been there"...and that is what this site is all about.  Losing the person you spent your life with, be it many, many years or not nearly enough changes you FOREVER.  For so many months we are in a daze, shock...in a fog that protects us and allows the slow acceptance of our loss.  I know myself with the sudden loss of Mark at age 53, everything I had hoped for or dreamed of was ripped away.  I am now just having glimpses of life without him; I can only handle the thoughts a wee little bit at a time.  I just passed the first anniversary and I cannot believe the year went so fast.  I still tell people I can't believe it has been that long...it feels like it just happened.  I can see the progress I have made, and things I am able to do now without breaking down...but I am no where ready to let go.  Last night, my dog Hannah was not acting right, and I was SO AFRAID.  Learning to deal with things alone takes so much courage.  Before I met Mark, I was completely independent and living on my own.  Once you join your life with someone, and they are taken, it is completely back to square one.  People talk about how strong I am; how brave I have been.  What choice do I have?  Remember that you need to allow yourself to not only grieve for your loss, but for the loss of your future with your loved one.  I haven't let myself begin that just yet.  A colleague of mine checks on me frequently, and listens when I talk; she said that it is still so fresh for me.  She knows the deep love I have for Mark and how losing him affects everything I do.  Be kind with yourself.  Honor your loved one any way that helps you.  Don't let those who do not know the pain tell you where. what, how and when to grieve.  Many times they just want to help, but really don't know how.  Accept help when offered.  Do what is best for YOU.

[Guest]

Pet Lover -

First WELCOME!  

Your story of yourself and Allan resonates with me.  My Dearest Deedo brought a lot of pain to our relationship.  When she was a child her mother seemed to only be able to love one child and that was her brother.  From a very young age she remembered neglect; later on it was comments like "It's too bad you're not as pretty as...".  She married an officer in the U.S. Air Force.  On her wedding night he told her he did not love her and never would; she was what he needed for career advancement.  What followed was eight years of physical, sexual and emotional abuse.  I met her after she found herself in a tub with a razor and realized that for her survival she needed to leave one way or the other.  

I was smitten from the beginning but soon realized that if she was to become part of my life it would need to be at her pace and on her terms.  We had thirty-seven magical years together.  She knew unconditional love for the first time.  I knew unconditional love for the first time.  Together we had what most people can only dream of.  And yet throughout that time I never could convince her that she truly deserved the adoration, veneration, worshipful love.  Some scars are just too deep.  She knew she was loved; she simply did not believe she deserved it.

She left me sixteen days before Allan left you.  I still cry daily.  I miss her so very much.  It seems I start every day telling her how much I love her, how much I miss her, how much joy she brought to my life.  This is my mantra.  And then I cry some more.  And I cannot talk about her without the tears.  

Pet Lover, you will make it through the pain.  I will make it through the pain.  This I have to believe.  The pain will never go away.  Our lives will take on a new normal.  We will always miss our Allans and Deedos.  There will never be a day that we won't think of them but hopefully someday it will bring warming smiles and not bitter tears.

[Tfer]

On 12/4/2015 at 2:38 PM, KATPILOT said:

Sometimes it's good to just think about how much you love them and put how sad you are on a back burner.  It gets easier as time goes by.

Katpilot your words are so true. It's been 4 months since I lost Ritchie and while sometimes the pain of losing him is too much to bear, thinking about something he said or a look he gave me, or just thinking about sitting on the couch watching TV together reminds me of how happy we were together and gives me a split second of solace. Thanks for reminding me of that. 

[Guest]

Welcome Tfer.  

Looks like we are pretty much in the same place.  I lost Deedo nineteen weeks and two days ago.  I do love it when I can look at a picture or a memory with a smile and not a tear, even if it is for just a second.

By the way you will find Katpilot is a wealth of sage advice.  He is a remarkable and compassionate person who lost his darling Kathy way too soon.

[Froggie4635]

Dearest Brad,

Your words ring true to my ears.  Mark and I grew up in very different environments.  He had parents that loved him, and a family that everyone would dream of having.  But at some point in his life, he lost his way and turned away from that love and was so bad to himself.  I grew up in an emotionally abusive household, and spent most of my life looking for the  love I  never felt.  I now read over all the letters and cards that Mark wrote to me, and I saw an awakening in him.  His family thank me for saving his life....but he saved mine too.  We, too, had one of those truly wonderful stories...both of us married for the first time in our 40's and still felt that newlywed buzz up until the day he died.  I love to watch Mike and Molly, because many times the characters will say things to each other that mirror what Mark and I would say.  I NEVER knew anyone in my life MORE supportive of me than him.  I still have a hard time comprehending just how much I miss him each and every minute.  I wish everyone could live in a world of truly unconditional love...with someone who is truly THERE for you no matter what.  I try and look at the blessings it brought me; it is still so early and there is still so much pain.  But I am very thankful for the time I had...but selfish because I wished it could be more.

[Margm]

I will say welcome also.  I have not read all the posts and there are those much smarter than I am.  My mind is still in a fog, my memory for important things I have to do is up for grabs anytime, all the time.  I am making the trip back to Louisiana today.  That will of course bring back memories and if anyone sees me, they will stay far away from me because I talk to Billy every time I drive anywhere.  I honestly am not worried about what people think.  My cousin once mentioned that my aunt was talking to her deceased husband when she was mowing her yard.  I see nothing wrong with that.  I am not "talking to myself."  I am talking to a real life person that still stands tall in my life, my five feet to his 6'2".  Sometimes, somewhere, people will understand, but I don't wish this pain on anyone.  People on here understand our grief.  We have different degrees of it, but it all punctures our hearts and brains with a "steely knife."  

I will listen to the Eagles on the way down to Louisiana.  Some music I can listen to.  Oh yeah, I am taking Billy and his brother along.  They ride in the back seat because I have the rest of the truck crammed full.  They are protected with comforters, pillows, and a quilt.  They will be part of our Christmas even though we cannot see their body, we can feel their presence.  As soon as I get my mystical, magic thinking back, I will be able to feel them more.

My heart is with each one of you as we search for the peace we so desperately need.  

[Kpl48]

Please keep on reading and sharing. It really helps. I don't feel alone with my real grief anymore. 

[Guest]

Maryanne -

I too wish it was more.  My thirty-seven years flew by in a heart beat.  The 135 days since she left have dragged on interminably.  The one thing I have learned is that it does not matter how long you are with someone you love, it is never enough and I will be forever envious of those who had forty years, forty-five years, fifty years, sixty years because that is what I truly wish I had.  And then a peaceful sleep where we were to leave together.

[kayc]

Petlover,

Welcome to the forum, although I'm very sorry for the loss that brings you here.  I hope in reading and sharing here it will help you through your journey, it certainly has helped me.

[WolfsKat]

My heart goes out to each of you....our pain is never-ending, and that is the thought that frightens..."Will this NEVER end?"  I've read, in other posts, that the rawness does fade....I'm desperately holding onto that faint hope. It is quite a terrible thing....to hope that your life will NOT be a long one, so that you can be free of this pain, and hopefully reunited with your beloved.