New Widow and I can't seem to want to live on

[WolfsKat]

My Connor died October 21st. I still can't get through a day without agony. He was not old, just turned 52. I feel as though MY life ended that day as well!!! We were SO happy together.....only together just shy of 5 years....I'd waited all of my life for this wonderful man, and he felt the same about me.  We were still....as our friends termed it..."gaga" about each other. So now, after having this for the first time in my life...it's ripped from me! I have a few close friends, and family, but they are 1000 miles away. And even then, I've always been known for being "strong"....and I don't wish them to know just how horribly I am doing....why make them worry? I don't think I could take my own life, could not do that to my kids, but I know I am smoking way too much, and drinking way too much, not eating/sleeping much. But just can't seem to give a hoot about the possible consequences. If I die sooner, great! My only wish is to be with Connor again....a world without him with me is bleak, harsh, and joyless. I have to have surgery the 8th and almost wish I would not make it through. No groups around my tiny burg. No money for counseling. How does anyone survive this? Living seems to be a punishment. And right now, I hate God.....he murdered my husband. My Connor was a loving, gentle, sweet, intelligent man....we harmed no one......why kill him? HE DID NOT WANT TO DIE! Is it so wrong of me to want to be with him again as soon as possible???

[hollowheart]

WolfsKat,

No, it's not wrong at all. I think today I'm having some sort of mental breakdown. You are right, living is like hell on earth right now. Dying sooner is less time to be feeling like this, so I'm fine with it too.

Everything you are thinking, feeling and doing is basically right on target with what you'd expect. The drinking and smoking are things that might even subside and are just dulling the pain right now.

I have my issues with God too. I think 'why didn't he let her last one more morning! Then we could have gotten her out of there. Why did he give her this medical condition in the first place?!' I think why are these monsters that are shooting up schools still out there? They need to trade places with any of our loved ones. 

It's why I can't usually deal with people always preaching about 'Oh, I know my God is good!' Most people say that after something good happens, or they are living the perfect life, then they frown on those who shrug off God as not doing them any favors.  I think about my sister, she did not want to die either. She was doing pretty good with her life and I know I was enjoying having her around. Everything is just so fucked up now. 

If you have nothing else, I hope you use this this forum as a resource. It helps to be able to vent sometimes, we may all be strangers but we have a big thing in common.

[Guest]

WolfsKat,

What you are going through is completely normal.  It hurts and it sucks to lose someone so dear.  You are just starting out on your journey and everything you have said I thought, felt the same.  I had a growth in my small bowel and I was praying it would be inoperable cancer.  No such luck.  I went uder sedation praying that I wouldn't wake up but I did  and I keep waking up.  It's okay to blame God, he can handle it.  You aren't the first nor the last.  

I am sorry that you are going through this.  Right now it is time to be selfish and do what feels right for you.  You ask how anyone survives?  One day, one hour, one minute at a time.  You've made it 39 days, you can make it another hour, and then another one.... Know that there are good people here to help you through this.

[kevin]

Wolfskat, no doubt about it, Connor was taken far too early and you have my sincerest condolences........I recommend you contact your Church or any Church for Grief counselling, contact Connors work place(if there is one) Employee Assistance, contact Area mental Health, Find a Widow to talk to.......I was a basket case for the first couple of months and at this time your Cognitive abilities are impaired. Help is available in most areas and it is so beneficial to talk to someone who has gone through this. Referred to my own notes at 60 days and I was drinking too, much but  was aware of it, stayed close to home, and began trying to engage in very limited social contacts. My Grief outbursts were still regular, always wear shades or have them with you. And above all, watch your nutrition, add supplements.......Keep protein up.. You joined a club that none of us wanted to be apart of.......Good luck and stay with this board, good people, good Leadership with Marty....

[Kpl48]

Please keep sharing with us. The pain of grief is too much to bear alone. You can say and read things here that might not be received so lovingly anywhere else. It's been a year since my husband died. My grief doesn't end, but it slowly becoming something I'm learning to live with. Wanting to die is completely normal...I feel that way often. Living on the best we can is what our lost loved ones want from us. My husband told me this before he died. Others might not be able to understand the depth of our grief. If they can just listen and be there without judgment or solutions, I'm grateful. I've learned to be careful about how much of my feelings I share because it can be just too much for some people. Keep on grieving and learning to accept yourself. I hope you can find more grief support in your community - keep searching. Please keep writing to us. 

[iPraiseHim]

We understand and care.  Please come back often and share. This group is incredible for support.This part of love sucks.  I'm still gaga over my wife and we were married for twenty five years.  Her loving smile lit up my world.  We have been there and are still there in some aspects.  It is nice to know that you  are not alone on this journey.  There are many travelers here learning and growing. Thinking of you. Shalom

[WolfsKat]

I thank all of you. I feel like I'm slowly, but surely losing my mind.....I lost my brother in July, my beloved Mom in February.....and I grieved for them, I still do. But as painful as those losses were/are.....it is NOTHING compared to losing my Connor . We truly had a wonderful love story.....the kind you think only happens in fiction....having him in my life, I was able to withstand the losses of my brother and mom because I had Connor with me, caring for me, giving me unconditional love & support.....he was just that kind of person. He'd lost his mum, dad, and a brother while we were together, and I know I gave him the same support & love.....while we grieved our losses, we comforted one another and knew that because of our strong love and bond, that we could withstand anything, together. The losses spurred us on to never take a moment for granted, we spent nearly all of our days together, and I was always surprising him with mini getaways to places I knew he would enjoy......we especially loved going to the ocean, it was almost an obsession with him. "I need vitamin sea" he'd always exclaim!  We'd gotten our passports for our last trip to the Bahamas....costly, but as they are good for 10 years, we planned to get our money's worth and travel when we could afford to,....he'd traveled extensively while in the Navy, and hoped to return, with me, to show me the countries he loved the most.  All of my dreams/hopes/wishes....they are dead,....I'm just a shell. I've not always had a easy life...but was always the "tough, strong" one who could take anything life threw at me.....but now? I'm having a hard time even caring if I shower, brush my teeth or hair....sounds gross but I just don't care and it seems too much of an effort. I know that can't be normal....maybe I AM going insane?

[Guest]

WolfsKat

It is perfectly normal not to care about anything with what you are going through. Showering, brushing teeth or hair takes on a different perspective when one has suffered the know be of loss you've suffered. You are not going insane you are grieving; although they are very similar. Loss of sleep, lack of appetite are common. I lost twenty pounds the first two months sleeping two to three hours a night. So know what you're going through most of us have as well. I wished I would die daily for the first couple of months; the pain was that intense. Even today if I thought I was having a heart attack I don't think I would call 911. 

My wife and I had booked and paid for two cruises and two other trips booking the last one two weeks before she was diagnosed with lung cancer. No insurance but then that was not important. Beating cancer was the only focus. My wife died 18 weeks ago tomorrow. I cry daily. Some days I'm lucky to go outside. What should take minutes can take hours. Chemo patients have a foggy brain called ChemoBrain. I have Grief Brain. Lack focus frequently. 

You are doing as well as can be expected. Just do what you feel like doing. 

[Margm]

Billy passed on October 17th.  It went so fast.  I had anger also.  Now I have sleeping problems.  Nothing helps.  This just started.  I think some new something starts all the time.  And some other stuff just stays and stays.  I have had some peace..........some.  Keep coming back.  Keep reading.  We all suffer.  Misery does not love company.  I do not believe that, but someone may tell you something that causes a moment of peace.  Marty has a lot of good reading material.  Check on other threads and you will find her words to go read.  I think hearing that grief is not a mental illness helped me, even though I could swear I was certifiable at any moment.

[Kpl48]

Believing it is all over with no reason or purpose to live on, is totally normal...I'm learning that slowly. I was suicidal and then depressed on top of my grief. My therapist and I discussed the possibility of going into a psych ward it got so bad. Inch by inch I'm living my way through my hopelessness and my fears. I cry every day many times. When I'm alone I sob and sob, and ask why he had to die. There is no answer and nothing I do is going to bring him back to me. He wanted me to build a good life and make a lot of friends. I remember his face and his words when he said this to me. Over the past year I've done this most of the time. Going out, making new friends and taking care of myself has been a huge and painful challenge. There are days that all I can do is stay in bed with my little dog and watch/listen to the TV. Grief does feel like insanity...that's why we need all the understanding, support and help we can get. Keep reading and writing on the group. It helps me to get through the day!

[Gwenivere]

Grief is an insanity.  I don't know how many articles I read and passed everything past my grief counselor to keep reassuring myself that what felt so terribly horrible was normal.  I came to hate the word normal.  How can this be normal?  It is because we have never ever felt anything like it and try to make sense if something we cannot.  We intertwined our life with someone, became a part if each other and now we are alone.  We are powerless and that, to me, is the most devastating part.  We can't change it, we can't undo it, we can't make it a livable state.  We are at the mercy of loving someone and having them ripped away.  Every time I sleep I dread waking up to this truth.  That the love of my life is dead.  I will never see him again in my life.  When I get frustrated and crippled with grief, I remind myself that this was not like losing my car, my home, even one of my dogs that I love dearly.  This was the man who completed my life.  Then it makes sense to me why I feel crazy, why nothing has no meaning right now, why everything I do takes supreme effort including showers, eating and the worst....sleep.  There are times I literally cannot breathe without him.  I remind myself was there ever another time in my life I would have considered commitment, killing myself or just hoping I would never wake up?  I've had losses before with my parents and friends.  But nothing, NOTHING, has changed me as much as this has.  It us the biggest loss I will ever face.  There is no sense in even trying to talk to someone who has not experienced this.  No one gets it unless they are there.  And that can make the loneliness sheer hell.  

As everyone has said here.....this is a place where everyone does understand.  And that keeps me going every day now.  I know, no matter what, it is safe to say anything I feel.  I hope you find it helps you too.  Just knowing we are not alone is a bit of light in the dark.

[WolfsKat]

I very much appreciate what all of you share here. There is some reassurance to know that there are others, feeling much the same....that what I am feeling, living with...is understood. I have a few good friends here in my town....but, none of them has ever experienced this type of loss, and they can't truly comprehend the depth of my grief, nor understand it. They mean well.....and I appreciate what they try to do for me, but I'm very aware that they are waiting for "me" to return. The "me" I was before losing my Connor. She's DEAD....she is NOT coming back, ever!  That "me" died with Connor.....I wish they'd understand that. They also are couples....they ask me to join them on outings, and I have a few times....but, it makes me feel worse, in a way...the "fifth wheel" feeling, although I know they do not look at it that manner. I find I can wear a mask, act as though I am enjoying myself....but inwardly, I am just aching to return home to solitude, so that I can weep/wail/lose it. It's too draining to put on a show of being "ok" when you are anything but. Everyone is SO proud of you when you are "doing so well"....you are complimented for it....if you let your grief show, immediately you sense their anxiety, discomfort. They are good people, my friends...but they could never understand. So....I was/am glad to have stumbled across this forum....YOU do understand, and have already helped me, just by sharing.....thank you all, my brothers & sisters in grief.

[Margm]

I understand.  I get so many "you are a strong woman" from so many people.  I am not strong.  I am only surviving the best way I know.  I just remember going through a terrible illness and reading Billy all the romantic tragedies of couples who passed away within minutes, hours, days of each other.  One older couple, at his funeral, the wife had a heart attack and so there was another funeral.  I read these to Billy and he said "the one that is left should stay."  So, I am staying as long as I can.  That was his wishes, not mine.  He would have taken the RV and headed for the deep woods.  I will just find a very, very small place that I am not afraid to stay alone.  This house is too big.  And, most times I sure don't feel like a strong woman.

[MartyT]

Rest assured that, as others have stated, wanting to escape the pain of grief is not at all unusual when we've suffered unbearable loss: Thoughts of Suicide in Grief  ♥

[kayc]

I am sorry for your loss...my husband died four days after his 51st birthday, it was sudden and unexpected.  We'd known each other 6 1/2 years, been married only 3 years 8 months.  Like you, we were everything to each other, we were each other's world.  Had we been allowed to be married 30 years we still would have been in love and happy as we were, we had great communication and interaction with each other and really "got" each other.

Feeling suicidal is normal to feel at this timeline, but it's important not to act on it.  I finally realized it's not that I didn't want to live but that I didn't want to go through what I'd need to go through in order to live.  Try to take one day at a time and not look at the whole "rest of your life", it's too much to take on right now, too much to think about and overwhelming.

I do hope you can try to avoid alcohol because it's a depressant and you don't need that right now.  If you could instead go for a walk it would help you feel better instead of worse.  There's a reason they call it "drowning in your sorrows".

You won't get any judgment here, this is a place where we understand and have been there (or are there).  It's okay to let your family and friends know how you truly feel, they may not understand if they haven't been there though...although even if they have, their response could be different as we're all unique and so are our relationships.  The greater the love, the greater the sorrow when we lose them.

I do hope you'll continue to come here and post, it helps to let out your feelings and know you are heard.  It validates them and that's so important!  For me, I felt my power had been stripped the day my husband was ripped from me, and just to be able to voice myself lent me back some of that power I felt had been taken from me.

Most of us understand, too, the feeling mad at God.  I don't go for the whole "it was his time" thing...people say cliches and things that are just downright stupid sometimes and do nothing to make us feel better.  To think like that is to say that nothing we do in life makes a whit of difference, and I just don't believe that.  I believe if we live healthy, we give ourselves a better chance at living longer.  It doesn't always work out that way as we're all dealt a different hand genetically, and accidents do happen.  So I don't think this is "God's will".  But regardless of how a person believes, I know God understands what we're going through and will be there if and when we're ready...and I've learned he has pretty broad shoulders and can "take it"  Don't worry about how you feel right now, it's all normal and even to be expected.  In time you will learn to incorporate your grief into your life.  You will never be the same again, but you can learn to survive this and not only survive, but find some meaning and joy in life.  It is the hardest thing we've ever had to do, as Margaret said in another thread.

[mittam99]

WolfsKat...

I lost my beloved wife Tammy on March 6th. She was only 45 years old. I want to tell you a little about my story in hopes that in some way it will give you some help. I met Tammy online in 1999. I had just lost my wonderful mom and really had few close friends. Tammy and I hit it off online and  started talking on the phone ... for hours at a time. It was clear we had something special. When Tammy came to Maryland (she lived in Illinois with her 3 year old daughter Katie) for the first time, I KNEW she was the one. Holding her hand for the first time was magic! When she went back home to Illinois, I felt so sad and I ached for her. Well, a few months later Tammy left her hometown (and all her family) and brought Katie along to start a new life with me in Maryland.

Tammy was not only a funny, sweet, beautiful person she was perfect for me. We lived together (in sin, lol) for a few years until we married on Christmas Eve 2003. Tammy suffered from a severe case of systemic Lupus as well as having some other autoimmune disorders. Her health was always a challenge. Tammy went through many surgeries, sepsis, infections and even cardiac arrest but always beat the odds. And I was always there by her side. Tammy was my whole life, my whole world! I loved her with every fiber of my being.

Early this year she was rushed to the hospital after she collapsed in my arms. She fought hard and got well enough to be released to a rehab facility to get her strength back. She came home on a stormy Wednesday night and I was so happy she was back in our bed! But... on the worst day of my life and just a day and a half after coming home, she took a terrible turn for the worst... by the time she was put in the ambulance she was unresponsive. My wife... my life... was gone.

I'm telling you this because I loved Tammy more than life itself as I'm sure you felt about your Conner. In the first few weeks after Tammy's death, I didn't think my "new life" was worth living. But, I had a dilemma. As much as I didn't care about or want to be in this life, I am not a person who would ever take my life. I found this forum and on one of those nights when I had no one to turn to and felt like I didn't know what to do... I posted a topic called "Dealing with those moments". Those "moments" being the times you just didn't want to live anymore.

Losing your spouse is losing a part of yourself. Losing your identity. Losing the future that you planned or expected to have.

This grief journey is hard... painfully, gut wrenchingly hard.

I can tell you that now, just under 8 months since Tammy's passing, the pain is still there. At times the pain is every bit as bad as it was early on. I think in the early days there is sort of a numbness that gives way to reality sinking in, as time goes by. The reality of life without your beloved.

So all that you are feeling, sadly, is a normal part of the grief process.

All you can really do is TAKE ONE DAY, ONE MOMENT, AT A TIME. There is no right or wrong way. You need to do what YOU are comfortable with. Those who haven't lost a beloved spouse will give you lots of advice. When they do, listen, but realize they don't have a clue!

I wish you all the best on your grief journey. This forum is a great place to vent.  You may find a grief counselor will help or a grief group.

There are no magic answers. There is no cure. Time doesn't heal all wounds.

One of the members here gave me a piece of advice and wisdom that has helped me get through many difficult moments. Hopefully it will help you... Just remember, your Connor will always be a part of you. You are not the same person you were before you met him. You see things through his eyes and with his spirit. Hopefully that will give you some comfort.

Mitch

 

[Gwenivere]

Wolfskat, Before Steve died I was told how strong I was.  It was love that brought that strength.  I don't hear that anymore because to those on the outside it has been over a year so surely I am doing better.  I don't fight perceptions anymore.  Takes too much energy.  The very very few people I talk to and when I come here are the only ones that know the hell this continues to be.  Even more so as time passes and it is longer since I have had any human contact with him.  People seem to think this is all mental and forget that losing physical contact with our partners is devastating.  They cannot fathom not having someone to hug or hug them back.  Waking up alone in their beds.  No one brush your brow when you feel sick.  No one to hold your hand be it for a walk or going someplace you are nervous about.  So I know most of the time when I am out in the world, people see someone that looks 'fine'.  So be it.  The last thing I want to do is tell my woes to another person who won't get it anyway.  The hardest is when people forget and ask what I did for this or that holiday and I say....nothing.  Who would I do it with?  After thanksgiving I told people where I volunteer at don't even ask when I walked in.  They looked shocked and then I think it registered.  People are well meaning and want to help, but they don't know how.  I try and save them from tripping over themselves and angering me with their pity and suggestions.  Ugh, suggestions.  That is another reason I don't bring up the coming holidays because I can't take anymore people who think this can be soothed with a bandaid idea.  Have you thought or doing this or that? Yeah,  I have thought of them all, thank you very much.  It really compromises interaction when you can't talk like they do because they haven't lost anything.  Now I truly understand being lonely in a crowd.

[Just Greg]

Wolfskat you described where I'm at to a T. You could have been writing my story.

I lost my Lisa, only 52 years old, on October 1, 2015 to complications from stroke stent (2) installations. I won't steal your post by explaining why but the surgeon and the ER dropped the ball when I took her in with uncontrollable shaking and non-productive vomiting on October 1, 2015. The ER didn't initiate a stroke protocol despite her history, or call for an immediate emergency OR to go back up in and find out why. I held her in the ER for 5 hours playing doctor and nurse while the staff huddled around a computer right outside the exam room laughing at YouTube videos of whatever. At 8:58pm she suffered a major stroke as the clots that had formed upstream from the two vertebral stents broke loose. Despite being there since 4pm our brain surgeon didn't arrive until 1am October 2nd. By then nothing could be done to save her. I have the authorization to remove life support Sunday, October 4th. I question every single thing I did throughout the first stroke in July to the very end as I held her when she died in my arms. I totally blame myself for not protecting her although I 'know' the surgeon had our compete trust; especially after the successful installation of fhr first stent. 

So that brings me to where you're at. The way we lost half our hearts and all our reason for living may be different, but the rest of the story is identical. It's only been a little over 8 weeks (ALREADY!!!!) yet I live every day in a progressively worsening quagmire of malaise and despair. 

I pray all of us here find comfort somehow, some way. I seriously question my sanity and reason for taking one more breath in this life but something pushes me onward in a grotesque and sadistic display of self abuse as I to through the motions of 'living'.

My intent was not to depress you more but rather to let you know that although our individual levels of pain are very unique to each of us, I hope the familiarity of our stories helps you push through. Without each other in this group we are truly alone trying to navigate this dark highway without benefit of GPS or a map. We can be each others light and roadmap. Hang in there. If I have to you do too!

[Margm]

I held Billy through his throwing up his insides in the ER and at one time told them he was comatose.  We got to the ER and it was daylight.  They got him to a room between 4:00 a.m. and 5:00 a.m., and he was gone by 9:00 a.m.  I will be writing the hospital (I retired from) and will take the letter in to the administrator hand held for him to read while I am in front of him.  Billy did not have a chance anyhow, but something has to be done about these ER's at hospitals.  This is a Catholic hospital, but that does not matter what kind it is, my 94-year-old mom waited 5 hours in the wee hours of the morning and never even saw a doctor.  This same ER kept my son waiting over 5 hours when his gallbladder had grown into his liver.  By the time the ER emptied they told us "I'm sorry, we lost your papers."  By that time the pain had eased and he went on to the VA for surgery.  We hear terrible stories about the VA, but in this case they were better than a private hospital.  Nothing I say can bring Billy back.  In all probability the aneurysm in his brain burst, but the death certificate said "ca colon".  We only knew about it 5 weeks, only two chemo treatments.  He just could not eat or drink.  Yes, we had private insurance, not Obamacare, yes we had Medicare, but no matter what we had, no matter what we did or they did, he is still gone as are so many with inept care.  I say this, and that same hospital saved my life.  But, I came by ambulance and possibly that is the only way to be seen.  So, if you have a loved one to take to the ER, take them by ambulance or you will wait till you die.

And, please don't think I do not know about hospitals.  I worked for three different ones for 43 years and retired from two of them.

 

[Guest]

Just Greg

I am so sorry for your loss. It is difficult enough to lose someone so important to your life but given the circumstances that just complicates things. I have a hospital twenty minutes from my house; I've yet to have a positive experience in their ER. I find I'm much better off to make the four hour drive to the Mayo Hospital in Phoenix. I get better care far quicker than locally. My last visit to the local ER I walked in with a bowel obstruction. There were three patients that night and it still took seven hours to get the CT scan and another three for results. Sixteen hours before I was air-evaced to Phoenix twelve hours before pain meds were started. Meanwhile I had an orderly ask a nurse about how she lost her virginity which she told him in detail. They were on the other side of the curtain. This was followed up by chair races at three a.m.  

 

I digress. I'm glad you found this site. If possible, I strongly recommend a grief counselor and joining a support group. Hospice of the Valley offers several groups in most metropolitan areas. I find it well worth the 400 mile round trip to go to mine. 

 

[kayc]

Mitch, so true!  Knowing that has gotten me through...life.  I am not the same person after meeting George, and I am not the same person after losing him.  But bringing with me all that he was to me and is still, and all that I learned from him, who he was, it helps me through life now.  He's never completely gone because he lives on in me.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Just Greg said:

Without each other in this group we are truly alone trying to navigate this dark highway without benefit of GPS or a map. We can be each others light and roadmap. Hang in there. If I have to you do too!

 I'm glad you said that, Greg.  Sometimes we need a gauntlet thrown down.  

[hollowheart]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 That is another reason I don't bring up the coming holidays because I can't take anymore people who think this can be soothed with a bandaid idea.  Have you thought or doing this or that? Yeah,  I have thought of them all, thank you very much.  It really compromises interaction when you can't talk like they do because they haven't lost anything.  Now I truly understand being lonely in a crowd.

Yeah, I'm having a really, REALLY bad week. When people suggest this or that they think it will take your mind of it. Nope. If anything fun is suggested I do all I think about is how my sister is not here to do it with me.

And if I do with someone else, all I'm doing is thinking about how that one person is not there. Not to mention, they are trying to be nice and distract me and be all fun and happy and it just doesn't work. I know they mean well, but it's to much.

 

[KATPILOT]

Yes when people die young it makes little sense especially to those of us who continue living on well past them.  I had some similar feelings myself WolfsKat because my wife and I found each other after having been through so much and we knew we had perfection finally. Then she left at 51. Not fair plain and simple, NOT FAIR.  For what it's worth, I wanted death at first in the worst way. I wanted, no, I needed to be with her and I thought death could get me there. It passes, just hold on to yourself because Connor doesn't want that and one day you will realize that you'll find him again.

Mitch, I read what you said and I commend you on being able to give such good advice. You get it now my friend and you are slowly getting stronger. You know what it means to be where you are just as you knew where you have been. When you speak about Tammy there is some joy and sweetness to the story and it's nice to read about how you got together and found the one you both were supposed to be with. To you and all of those who knew they had found their soul mate, remember that fate helped it all happen. What we do next is what matters now. We have a chance to share the love we know with others in pain and we have a chance to live on in honoring the love's we've lost. 

This morning when I went outside it was as usual still quite dark. I had been in an awful funk for the last several days and I know it was the holidays and I knew it would pass as it always does. But as I looked up at the stars, I felt the sorrow just leave me. I felt her love helping start my day and I wondered just where in the universe she was going next. Sometimes it's good to just think about how much you love them and put how sad you are on a back burner.  It gets easier as time goes by.

[iPraiseHim]

So true, KATPILOT.  I can relate. I was in such sock initially when my wife died. Too me it was sudden and unexpected.  Over time, coming here often and sharing when I could has helped me immensely.  Initially, I too, just wanted to be with my wife.  Through much grieving and working, I can see where I have turned a corner in just accepting the reality of her death. Mentally, physically, I know she is dead but my heart still wanted her to be living with me.  I have read many books, journal-led, exercised, etc.  and just moving forward with life one day at a time.  I will miss her physically but she will always be with me in my heart.  I still grieve but the intense times are becoming less.  I think about my wife in more positive ways in terms of memories and her wonderful charismatic character.  I have personal rituals that she appreciates and knows that I still love her and always will. She helped me to like and accept myself as I am flawed and all.  I will strive to serve the rest of my life living the best way I can to serve.  Shalom