New Widow and I can't seem to want to live on

[iPraiseHim]

At almost 10 months, I can share that the intense pain will subside.  The pain still hits though just when you think you are coping with grief.  It is the scariest rollercoaster, I have ever been on, but I will ride it.  I followed the suggestions by others offered in this group. Although reluctant at first, I knew it was wise counsel.  Each of us must walk our grief journal personally and individually but you do not need to walk alone.  To gain insight.  Go back and read the initial posts of members here when they first posted. 

Sunday will be 300 days for me.  I never thought I could live that long without my beloved wife at my side.  check out "SHOCK and AWE".  I have posted repeatedly on the same subject and unknowingly have a record of my progress on this journey of grief that none of us signed up for.  It is another aspect of the deep love we have for our spouse that we express as we are in transition to the new person we are becoming.  Get plenty of sleep. Drink water. Eat. Exercise. Journal. Post. Take care of yourself.  You will need it to travel this road.  Shalom 

[kevin]

I think this was posted before or FB 

[Guest]

Thank you Kevin.  That post gives me hope.

[Gwenivere]

I seem to be in a different boat regarding pain subsiding.  I am at 13, almost 14 months and it is feeling worse.  It seems the longer Steve is gone, the more I miss him.  I have accomplished a lot since he left proving I can take care of myself, handle everything about the house and find solutions to problems I usually turned over to him.  Now that that us done, I am really feeling his absence in day interaction.  I so miss telling him things and hearing about his day.  I know the holidays are complicated, but this is more.  I keep wondering where he is and why he is gone.  Why am I always eating alone?  Why isn't the house filled with sound he made?  Why can't I call to him and have him answer?  I obviously know the answer, but my mind is still unaccet

[Gwenivere]

...still unaccepting thus us some kind of sick joke.  I didn't expect a miracle as the time passed, but I didn't know it would get worse.  My thinking is now that I have tackled the logistics I smile now faced with the total emotional reality and the thought it will never change (him coming back) is so huge, it is swallowing me in a deeper grief I never conceived of.

[Margm]

I am in Louisiana.  Our old home state, where we raised our children,  where we met, where we worked for 80 years between us. I brought his urn.  He is with us in spirit, but I still cannot connect with my old friends magical, mystical, and imagination.  I am only connected to reality. I am not good company.  And I am so selfish.  I did have 54 years with him, but I wanted 54 more.  It is eight weeks today, and right now I just want that final last picture of him on that hospital bed to go away.  And the guilt of my last emotion of anger to be gone. 

[Froggie4635]

Marg,

I just passed the one year mark, and I can tell you that those last images you have will fade.  My last memories of Mark were him laying on the living room floor with emergency people all around, then the site of him laying in the ER.  If I make myself think about it, I can see every single detail.  But it is NOT the first image that I see when I close my eyes.  It has been like this for a while now.  Give yourself some time, and open your heart to other memories....and you will ease away from the visions you have now.

[Kpl48]

I know what Gwenivere means about feeling worse the longer Andre is gone. I'm doing better with the tasks of living. I'm participating in support groups and making good friendships. But when I'm alone the grief is so strong. I miss his presences I much. 

[WolfsKat]

22 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

I know what Gwenivere means about feeling worse the longer Andre is gone. I'm doing better with the tasks of living. I'm participating in support groups and making good friendships. But when I'm alone the grief is so strong. I miss his presences I much. 

I think that is the worst....can be doing "ok"...functioning, even thinking "hey I'm kinda okay right now"......then, nightfall.....the "alone-ness" hits, hard. That damned empty bed.....I HATE going to bed! I sit up until I'm nodding off, unable to stay awake.....trouble is, I am not exactly lonely, not from being alone, I am lonely (small word for a huge emotion) for ONE person, my Connor!  So even surrounded by friends/family, still I will be lonely. It helps to be with others, yes.....but at best it is just a distraction, as soon as I am alone again, it hits.....and I just want Connor, no one else! 

[kayc]

It's not uncommon for the second year to seem worse than the first...I think our expectations have a lot to do with it, plus reality has fully set in.  It took me about three years to fully process my husband's death, and it's not something you ever get over, but with a lot of work, we adjust to our new lives as much as we can.  Adjusting does not equal liking.

[Kpl48]

The worst times for me are in the morning and when I'm alone throughout the day. Night is OK because I take medication to help me sleep. Sleep is the best, although I wake up numerous times. It's morning now and I'm crying for my Andre. I'm still in bed and I might stay there all day. Often the posts on this site keep me going.  They help me to know I'm not crazy, that grief is deeply painful and that there is hope. 

[Margm]

The worse for me is when I let 9:00a.m. October 17, 2015, intrude and I say no, no, no and cannot fight off my last view of the loss of my life.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

I think that is the worst....can be doing "ok"...functioning, even thinking "hey I'm kinda okay right now"......then, nightfall.....the "alone-ness" hits, hard. That damned empty bed.....I HATE going to bed! I sit up until I'm nodding off, unable to stay awake.....trouble is, I am not exactly lonely, not from being alone, I am lonely (small word for a huge emotion) for ONE person, my Connor!  So even surrounded by friends/family, still I will be lonely. It helps to be with others, yes.....but at best it is just a distraction, as soon as I am alone again, it hits.....and I just want Connor, no one else! 

Wow, WolsfKat.  You gave me something to really think about that helps me see things more clearly.  I never felt lonely before Steve died.  He was the social butterfly and knew soooo many people.  I have but a handful and most are just acquaintances.  But because of him, my life was complete.  It IS all about him.   It is the bed, the house, driving, eating, watching TV alone.  No one to talk to in my own house.  I say I am lonely because that is the easiest way to describe it.  But the truth is I am lonely for him.  No one else can change that, no matter what they do.  The only cure there would be is to have him back and knkwing that is not possible rips me to shreds every single day.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

It's not uncommon for the second year to seem worse than the first...I think our expectations have a lot to do with it, plus reality has fully set in.  It took me about three years to fully process my husband's death, and it's not something you ever get over, but with a lot of work, we adjust to our new lives as much as we can.  Adjusting does not equal liking.

Thanks for that, Kay.  I wasn't expecting a miracle at a year, but I am truly struggling with how this can feel even worse.  Add to that the world expects us to be doing so much better 'after all this time'.  I will never like this new life, but maybe I will find some reason for it.  That had yet to come.

[MartyT]

Gwenivere, my dear, I know it does nothing to change how you are feeling ~ but it may help to know you are not alone in feeling that way. See Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way (including the Related Articles listed at the base).  ♥

[kayc]

Throw away "what the world expects", what do they know!

"That damned empty bed"...that's why I took to sleeping in my recliner.  The bed is just too empty and a reminder...

[kevin]

I moved to my 9 foot couch......I share with a cat.....I was watching TV later and later, sleeping less and less, seemed logical. I'm sure when the Sun returns my clock will reset ,and the Bedroom comes back in play......

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Marty.  So happens I have had that bookmarked for a couple of months.  It does help to know everything we can about feelings that arise as they are all new so we have reference point.  

[scba]

I'm too having a hard time getting through year two. People ask me if I'm happy with my achievements, I say I cannot feel happy under the circumstances, and they look astonished, as if now at year 2 sadness and loneliness are a choice. I expect nothing from the events in my life. I cannot trust that things can last. I miss him so much. Time that I haven't seen him is hurting me, not healing me. I had a dream about him last night. I met him and said: I knew it, I knew you were alive, I knew you were going to be back, you have healed. You are back!

if only.....

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I was talking to a friend today because I didn't understand why people could not at least try and imagine what we go thru losing the most important person in our lives.  Why they look astonished as you say, scba.  I fortunately have only a couple of people that push at me like this is something I am choosing to stay in.  Yeah, I really want to feel all this pain because it been such a kick so far.....not.  My friend really didn't have any answer beyond it is incomprehensible it could happen to them.  I thought how hard can that be?  Think about coming home everyday and their partner never, ever there.  Knowing they will never be back.  I didn't know the full ramifications until it happened to me, but I do remember when relatives lost their spouses and thinking that has got to be terribly hard.  To be so alone.  I guess some people just can't or don't want to go there.  I know others that have told me that because of what they see I have gone thru they have much more appreciation for their partners now.  Lord knows I did when I heard about others.  I happen to be the first of my generation to experience this.  Just I was the first to lose their mother.  

I never had any goals if being a trailblazer about these things.  No one understood my pain about my mother so when it happened to them, I was the go to person.  Not a job I want again.

[Kpl48]

I'm feeling like I don't have anyone to go to about my grief. I even very depressed since Friday. I've spent three days in bed. I've been sleeping, crying, feeling bad, feeling desperate. I want to die. I won't commit suicide, but I want to die. 

Its so awful without my husband Andre. I miss him so much. My home is empty without him. My life is nothing without him. I was feeling better last week; maybe because I went out to be with friends almost every day. Then I stayed home on Friday and I've been down ever since. 

I don't want to be home alone. I don't want to be here without my Andre. Just being with him was so important I my life. We would get up and have coffee and discuss everything and nothing. We spent our days and nights together. We were together all the time. Now when I'm alone I feel such pain. 

I know I can share this here and you all understand. Reading your shares really helps me so much. 

[Guest]

Kristine,

I know so well about the wanting to die.  I don't see much point in going on.  Like you I am not suicidal (Deedo would kill me if I killed myself) but at the same time I would welcome death because as of right now life seems meaningless and empty.  Shortly after Deedo's death I had a follow up visit on a mass in my small bowel.  I was literally very disappointed when it turned out not to be cancer.  I honestly cannot see a future but I do know there is one.  For today I'll just try to make it through the next little bit, meet some of the goals I've set for myself, and hope my meds allow me to sleep.

[Kpl48]

Thank you so much Brad. Your plans for the day help you to get through the day. I'm going to push myself to do some things too. I pray I can do them. Sometimes all that keeps me going is that Andre told me to make lots of friends and to live a good life. I'm doing the best I can. Lately, going out with friends and to my support groups at least puts my attention away from this pain filled grief. I feel I can't go on, but I must. 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Kristine,

When I have those days where I just feel lost, but also beat myself up for not doing ANYTHING...I have a tablet and I write down the things I do, even just little things.  It shows me that I am indeed TRYING.  And those days where I don't do anything, I tell myself that it was ENOUGH that I got out of bed, took a shower, checked for the mail.  Setting small goals can also give you a sense of moving forward.  Myself, sometimes there are just days I sit on the couch blankly.  I also have THREE active dogs who want my constant attention, and being a caregiver type person, it fulfills some of my needs.  Nothing really helps with being a wife with no husband to care for/about.  I just passed the one year point, and honestly I don't feel different.  I am dreading the holidays.  I kind of got thrust into it this weekend when going with a friend to run errands.  Being out in the "jolly" music and people hustling past and laughing...kiosks with employees trying to give me sample after sample...and me in NO MOOD for any of it.  I give focus to my job, and when I get home, look after the fur babes, eat dinner and most times just crash for the day.  Just remember to be kind to you...of course you are going to feel sad.  When you do, go with it.  As I have told myself from the beginning, there are two choices.  Like you, I have never been suicidal, so that gives us only one choice.  Just do it to the best of your ability at the time.  Hugs to You.

[WolfsKat]

7 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Nothing really helps with being a wife with no husband to care for/about. 

This resonated with me. In my first (bad) marriage....I tried, so very hard, to make a good relationship....I yearned for companionship, closeness, being able to give love and receive it.....it was never meant....he was/is a cold person.  I felt, always, that I had SO much bottled up inside of me, that I wanted to share, and create a happy life. 8 years after my divorce, I met Connor.....who had also been in a failed marriage with a cold person....who had also "given up". It was almost instantaneous......we fell, hard, truly felt like we'd been waiting all of our lives for each other.....we were so PERFECT for one another....almost 5 years and we were still "giddy" with the knowledge that we'd been blessed with each other! I delighted in making every day a happy one....and loved caring for him, planning outings, trips, just anything that we could do together...surprising him with special things I'd find for him....I'm sure you know what I mean.  FINALLY I could be "me".....and let all of the pent up love & longing for a real partnership flow freely & joyously!  But now? I've no outlet.....my Connor is gone. No one to care for....no one to cherish......I had much much more left to give!  I can cherish his memory,and I DO...but I need him here....