kevin Posted December 3, 2015 Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 With the Christmas season and Holidays coming up, the memory triggers are around every corner....This brings up two really good questions, if we actually truly knew the pain and torture Grief would bring, would the choice of marriage be the same.......The first week or so I was definitely on the fence, if you don't love, you don't grieve...pretty safe. Well that is no way to live, so I relish the decision I made 31 years ago, and family we created,......which only added to the benefits of our union. The one thing I will truly be aware of, or on guard against, will be the Ghosts of Christmas past this season.........so many good times and memories.....could set up for a few good Grief bursts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 3, 2015 Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 For me, absolutely and wholeheartedly! I would gladly go through the pain of loss to have just had him in my life for however long. For me, knowing him MADE my life! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 3, 2015 Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 For me it's the same. I've been miserable for 18 weeks today but was loved and loved unconditionally for thirty-seven years three months and seventeen days. I know I won't live another thirty-seven years so I still win on the balance sheet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 3, 2015 Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 As bad as this pain is, count me in on having no regrets about joining my heart with Steve. It wasn't perfect for the 37 years, but that unconditional love we found because of the bad times we stuck with each other is something some people never know. They will never feel the pain, but they will miss the joy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted December 3, 2015 Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 I agree. Next week is our Wedding anniversary. I cherish every day I was able to share with my wife.I was very lonely most of my adult life until I met Rose Anne At 32 almost 33 years of age. She was only one week older than me. She displayed to me her unshakable, and unconditionally love for me.She believed in me. trusted me. And said I was the first man that she could look directly into my eyes and not turn away. She was honest, direct , and straightforward. Even in the last days, she would light up and beam from ear to ear when she saw me or heard my voice. I know how it is to be truly loved. We were together so much people would combine our names and call us "GeorgeAnne" instead of " George and Rose Anne". I was talking to her (through journal-ling) and she said she wants me to live life to the fullest. I'm still trying to find my way. I'm learning to cope with the life change and continue to move forward and incorporate her positive traits into my character (like being better organized) and just tell it like it is. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I dealt with the IRS yesterday, Obamacare today, and I have interviews for another possible hire of two individuals tomorrow. I can listen to Smooth Jazz now and remember the good times as it is also her favorite music. I tried listening to Christmas jazz but I'm not ready for that yet. There are still too many trigger memories. I had a great life with my beloved wife, Rose Anne, for over 25 Years. I cherish each day. Shalom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 3, 2015 Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 George - since you're into smooth jazz, have you heard of Joey Alexander? He's a 12 year old (maybe 13 by now) jazz phenom from Indonesia. I love listening to his album; downloaded it from iTunes. Deedo and I were always BradnDeedo. Hopefully your interviews go well. Know how much you need the extra help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 3, 2015 Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 We were Big One and Little One (or between ourselves, Big Bear and Little Bear, in fact we had them on our wedding invitations and thank yous). George, you're handling things, good for you! Tenacity and patience pays off. I have the tenacity (sometimes to a fault) but the patience...not so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 3, 2015 Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 I thought the same with my sister. I had a thought of wishing we weren't so close or that I never even had one so I wouldn't have to feel this loss, but I hate I even thought that because she was the best sister anyone could ever ask for and I'm glad for every second I had with her. I just wish grief could be soothed with a pill or turned off in your brain. It's like as happy as you were with the person, you are then forced to go through the opposite when you lose them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 3, 2015 Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 In spite of this pain, I would choose him again if I could turn back time. He spent the rest of his life with me, and I will spend eternity with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 22 hours ago, iPraiseHim said: Obamacare today, and I have interviews for another possible hire of two individuals tomorrow. Update, Called Optima Insurance Finance department ( rep was rude) and they said I would have to call Obamacare again to get the payments straightened out. As I thought about it today, I realized that Optima already has the information but it was not forward to the finance/billing department. So i called back and insisted they contact the general department. Finally, they will correct it and they owe me $74 month additional for twelve months. If I continued with them they would just keep the money and offset my payments. So I said, "then I need to choose another company to get my money back" She said, if I really wanted to , I could write a letter requesting the refund check. ( Writing it) . 2016 the insurance premiums have doubled, $150 month with 500 deductible and 1000 stop loss. How do you say AFFORDABLE CARE ACT. My initial interviews went well. One person has no drivers license, and will need her husband to drive her to each home ? The other is still hopeful. Good Night. Shalom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 George, I find the paper work and duplication of efforts that is required for something that happens daily is unfathomable. You wonder why our Health costs are so high. Your tenacity is commendable , keep up the fight..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 How could I wish away 54 years, that is more than half a lifetime. At least we had gotten to the point that we would look at each other and be happy for the time we shared, so many years, so many things happened, but still, it was just a twinkle of the eye. Seems like yesterday. He went so fast, I wonder if I have time to get out of here and back to my old home. He would not have stayed here. We came here to help get our son off drugs. He managed to do that himself while shutting himself up in his bedroom, so that task was accomplished. Then along came the granddaughter that Billy was her first caretaker while her mama worked. Then she lived with us for 15 years, so that task was accomplished. So, we lived for our family, we gave up many things to do that, and we lived for each other, and now I am afraid to try to live period, because it is for myself, and probably for a very short time, but I cannot leave this mess of unfinished business for my kids............well, I guess I could, Billy did, but not because he wanted to. I don't want to either, but sometimes I do want to leave. Fighting this battle is hard. They say I am strong. I don't feel strong sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 Whether you feel strong or not, you are brave enough to get out of bed in the morning and face another day, Margaret. That takes courage ~ the courage of not wanting to live through this pain of loss, but doing it anyway. Perhaps that is what others are seeing as strength in your behavior. What matters in this grief journey is not so much how we feel, but what we DO with what we are feeling ~ and doing it in spite of what we are feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 Thank you so much Marty. I have to go to the "big city" today to pick up my new glasses. When I am there I am going to look for a big wooden cross. I am going to put it on the wall at the foot of my bed. I am doing everything I can think of to get my faith back, but having faith to get out of bed each day, I never linger in bed. I wake up and hit the floor, maybe not running, but not supine for long. Sleeping does not come easy, but if it is daylight, I have to be upright. And what you said, it makes a lot of sense. I will be strong for my grown children and grandchildren. In my grandmother's "book" she wrote for her grandchildren and ancestors, she says that 18 years later she misses my grandfather as much as the day he left. Yet, she survived almost 30 years after his death. I do come from strong women, how can I let them down? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 George, of course it's VERY affordable...IF you'e Obama! He can afford my premiums, I cannot. My health ins. premiums and property taxes have gone up $2100.00 over the next two years, killing my budget. On top of that I had to buy new tires, another new battery (third one in four years), and now I have a plumber coming out, God only knows what that'll cost. I'm selling anything I have of value on eBay to make ends meet. What I'll do when I run out of stuff to sell I don't know. Margaret, you know faith is one of those things we act on, not feel, it's something unseen, but very real, it seems to me you're acting on it already...you're proceeding in the absence of anything tangible to feel, and that's what it is about. You'll be okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 On this topic......never once have I wished I'd never met my Connor. I was married 30 years to a cold, abusive man. When I finally freed myself from that life....I swore I would never, EVER marry again! And, I meant that.....even when Connor and I met/fell in love/cohabitated (8 yrs after my divorce)....I would shy away from taking that step. But then I realized that my past was just that....PAST. Connor and I married after over 3 years of being together....it was a wonderful, spiritual step for us both......we'd celebrated our 1st anniversary just this past August. Connor taught me SO much about real love, commitment, the joy that can be found with another.....how could I wish to have never had that in my life? But, I admit to feeling horribly cheated....less than 5 years to the person who was so very perfect for me....but given 30 years with a man like my ex-husband? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 It does seem like we were cheated I suppose. I spent twenty years with the wrong one and not long with the right one. The fact is, had I not gone through hell for so long, I would never have been in the right place to find heaven. I too would do it all again knowing the sorrow that awaits me for one day in heaven beats a lifetime in hell. Those who came from a bad relationship into a great one know what I'm saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Perhaps that is why we are really not supposed to know what God has in store for us. I know I did not have Mark in my life long enough; what IS long enough? I try not to judge my grief because we only were together so short a time compared to those who lost a spouse after 40, or 50 years. All I know is that I loved Mark with every ounce of my being. He STILL made my heart beat faster and now I have a huge empty place that nothing can fill. I waited my WHOLE LIFE to find the one who would love me unconditionally and allow me to do the same. Right now I hold so tight to this grief, because it represents my connection to Mark. I know that will change as this journey goes along. I passed my one year anniversary, preparing myself that it wasn't going to magically change what I was feeling. It hasn't. The hurt is still there; it is now just round two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Maryanne, The one thing I believe I have learned through this journey is that the time two people have spent together does not determine the depth of grief one feels. It does not matter if it was fifty weeks or fifty years; the pain is as great as the depth of love. You mention how Mark made your heart beat faster and so it was with Deedo. Coming home to her was the highlight of every day. I was just talking to a man who lost his wife thirteen years ago, he is still hurting and told me it never gets easier you just get more adept at dealing with the pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 13 hours ago, KATPILOT said: It does seem like we were cheated I suppose. I spent twenty years with the wrong one and not long with the right one. The fact is, had I not gone through hell for so long, I would never have been in the right place to find heaven. I too would do it all again knowing the sorrow that awaits me for one day in heaven beats a lifetime in hell. Those who came from a bad relationship into a great one know what I'm saying. KatPilot....definitely, the feeling of being cheated is valid. But, you are very correct in stating that those who had had a bad relationship, and then met the one who made a relationship great, understand this. Because of what we endured in that past relationship, I believe we were even more appreciative of the happiness we found,and treasured it....which, of course, makes it even harder to deal with the loss, especially if the time together was much shorter in duration than the "bad" relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 That's what happened to me too...23 years with a cold controlling man that lied to me throughout...but only 6 1/2 years with my George (married 3 years 8 months). I wish I could have had the 23 years with him! But we were immediately closer than I'd ever been with anyone else, we were made for each other! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 Well I went through it twice also, I like to think of the first marriage as being too young, , focused on the Brass ring, and possibly, priorities not aligned with a successful marriage. Boom towns are not contusive to long lasting relationships. First Marriage lasted about 7-8 years and we had 4 children. Because of the kids/grandkids we are in contact weekly...We experienced a no fault divorce and agreed to be cordial .... I made support payments four 14 years and the kids spent every weekend at my place.......Then I met Angela, should have seen her face when all the kids showed up.......along with Angela's daughter, we had our own version of the Brady Brunch.........carried on for 31 years........Miss those days Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now