What are you doing to improve your life?

[kayc]

I was talking with another member about how easy it is to get caught up in the doldrums when you're grieving and we thought it might be good to post something inspirational here...not religious, but something that propels us forward in our journey, something inspirational in the hopes of it being contagious.  This is a thread for anyone to post what they're learning or doing to help them in their journey.

Early on in my grief journey (under two weeks out) I bought a refrigerator magnet that said to find joy in every day.  As I began to look for what joy there was, I found it...the big joy (my George) was gone, but there were still little joys around...it's up to us to open our eyes and heart and look for them.  In so doing, it made some changes in me, changes in my focus and attitude.  Instead of just focusing on my loss, I began to focus on what there IS in life.  What a world of difference this made!

What can you inspire in others through what you have learned?

[Kpl48]

I am doing many positive and uplifting things in my life. I started going to support groups during the beginning months of my grief. I do service I my groups. I've made good friendships in my groups. Yesterday some of us went to a movie, out to lunch and shopping. Being with friends brings me a lot of joy. 

Being with my little dog brings me a lot of joy. He stays right with me when I'm home. He's a little character and does many cute things. I love to play with him and take him to the dog park. He's a real friend!

Taking care of my house has been a struggle, but when I do it brings me joy. I'm working towards doing a better job of this as time goes on. Looking at the beautiful views from my house and while driving my car gives me joy. Communicating with family gives me joy. 

I know the joys of living will grow as time goes on. This site is the only place I can read and share about the deepest grief. Grief isn't very joyful for me. My husband told me he wanted me to make friends and have a good life. I'm doing the best that I can. I do feel joy knowing I had 23 years with the man I loved!

[Guest]

For me I find it helpful to find ways to pay tribute to Deedo. On previous threads I talked about coopting a popular phrase to "What Would Deedo Do?"  For her birthday and for Christmas our kids honored her generous and benevolent nature by orchestrating a series of Pay It Forward anonymous strikes in Arizona, Texas and California. We have found the excitement redirects our focus from who and what we've lost to celebrating a remarkable life. 

Also I must admit I am a serial enshriner.  I also find comfort in creating gardens that reflect Deedo's passions: anything Disney, fairies, innocence of youth. 

Additionally I have found tremendous help and support from my grief counselor, my grief support groups, my psychiatrist and of course this group; many of you will never know how much your comments have carried me through difficult times. 

I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention mirtazapine. For me it was a game changer. Prior to mirtazapine I was sleeping two to three hours a night, had lost twenty-five pounds in six weeks and emotionally was a wreck. That's why I went to the psychiatrist. The drug has leveled my emotions without numbing them. I still cry pretty much daily but am able to exercise some control so I am initiating social interactions and find myself able to talk about Deedo without falls by apart. I now sleep through most nights although my dreams are repetitive and wearisome. I am eating and maintaining my weight. It is not a fix all but it does help. It is worth talking to you doctor about. 

[scba]

Spending time with my golden retriever, which sleeps under my bed every night since I moved back to my parent's. Spending quality time with my nieces and nephews, who are toddlers. All the rest (shopping, travelling, hobbies, family meetings etc) have been activities to fill the hours, rather than truly joyful ones. Maybe a year and three months is still too early. 

[kevin]

Here goes, this may be more of a resolution, but I'm

going to fast one day a week and donate the saved groceries(est 10%)  to food bank. This has two benefits...weight loss for me and something for the community.....Good idea KayC

[enna]

I do colored pencil activities. It relaxes me. We can not grieve 24/7. It has also helped me to use the Tools for Healing thread. I have come to understand that it is not the length of time we have been grieving but what we do with that time. Each one of us has his/her own way of moving through grief. This new thread really belongs to all who are grieving. Kay and I have been on this journey for quite awhile now and I think we both know that each day is a gift and it is what we do that day that counts. Staying in the past or jumping into the future only gets in the way of accepting what our situations are right now. We don't have to be religious to wake up each day and be glad that we did. We learn that we are on a roller coaster and the ride is not always a thrill. Thank you, Kay, for starting this thread. 

Anne

[kayc]

I love these posts!  It's my hope that we can inspire each other and draw ideas from what others are doing.  

I am volunteering two days a week at the senior site in addition to being church treasurer and on the morning worship team, choir, and community choir.  It gets me out of the house so I'm not alone all the time, and around others...seniors really know how to have fun!  I enjoy the couple of days I stay home alone, as well as the days when I have someplace to go, I find it's a good balance.

All of us think about our memories and wonder about the future, but we don't want that to detract from what IS today...we don't want to miss the joy of this day, this moment...sometimes it takes concerted effort to recognize and appreciate it, but it gets easier with practice.

 

[Guest]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

All of us think about our memories and wonder about the future, but we don't want that to detract from what IS today...we don't want to miss the joy of this day, this moment...sometimes it takes concerted effort to recognize and appreciate it, but it gets easier with practice.

 

I, for one, need to be reminded there is joy to be found; sometimes bitter-sweet joy, but joy all the same. My grandkids are great examples. They always bring smiles, sometimes tears since Deedo was the ideal grandma and the babies will never really know her. 

I spend so much time looking at what I've lost and wondering how life will always play out I forget about the "roses" I see. 

[hollowheart]

I don't know if seeing a therapist counts as improving my life. I did that mainly because I had no one to talk too and in the first few weeks I thought I was really going insane.  I am also sloooooowly TRYING to get back to doing things like shopping, video games, movies. It has not been going well thus far, doing it alone is almost traumatic in a way and I hole up at home again, but I am trying.

I still don't see any joy everyday. My mom told me "You're alive, that's something to be joyful for" but to me that's not enough. That goes back to what someone mentioned about existing vs. living. I found joy in sharing things with my sister and other family. With her missing joy is gone. I just try to enjoy thing when they happen, but it's hard because my first instinct is to either show her or tell her about it.

We have a "Holiday" Train and Bus here in Chicago that is decked out with lights, decorations, and inside it's also decorated and lit and Christmas music is playing. It's great. One time me and my sister happened to catch that bus. I've seen the bus and train a few times recently and it's very pretty at night. It brought a smile and a tear to my face, so while it was a moment of joy to see it (they are timed) it was hard to truly enjoy alone. I guess it might take some time to get that joy back.

[MartyT]

4 hours ago, Brad said:

I spend so much time looks my at what I've lost and wondering how life will always play out I forget about the "roses" I see. 

I love this, Brad. We all have so much that we just take for granted. I'm reminded of a post I saw on Facebook a couple of days ago:

 

[WolfsKat]

Wow....this topic makes me think.  Not sure if it's such a huge thing, but I'm starting to really look around me and "downsize"...I've really accumulated too much "stuff".  Going through items to donate to a local community center that assists people in need ( I mean, do I really NEED 10 towel sets?).....also, once I get all the red tape & legal stuff accomplished, I intend to start selling on eBay once again.....have not for a few years, and I'm pretty good  at it.  And now the extra money would be very helpful. So maybe this qualifies as improvement?

[Guest]

HollowHeart - I for one believe that seeing a therapist or grief counselor is the first step in doing something to help yourself.  My grief counselor, much like Marty, is an angel disguised as a mortal.  She helped me focus on what I needed to do to help me.  When I first saw her in August I was a mess and she is the one who started me moving forward.  Honestly, I could not speak without breaking down.  I was a recluse, not eating, not sleeping, just wailing.  After three weeks I knew I needed far more help than I was able to provide for myself; and that was a monumentous thing for me to admit; I was the one who always took managed the negatives in my life and took great pride in doing so.  If I may I'd like to caution the video games; they are solitary in nature and thus counterproductive to what I believe your ultimate goals may be.  Just a thought.

Also there is nothing wrong in showing and telling your sister about the joyful and beautiful things you encounter on a daily basis.  Regrettably, it will be a one-sided conversation but it will be a conversation in your mind not a monologue.  That is why I walk to the lake at sundown daily; so I can share with Deedo my day and keep her apprised of the kids and their families.  She may never hear a word, I don't know but it does help me.  And for the most part the conversation is "I love you so much and I miss you so much!" over and over and over....

[Froggie4635]

Most of my life, I had a very creative nature...when encouraged by the right people. When I was 24, my mom had a stroke, and I became her major caregiver...which left very little time for creating anything.  My creative side got buried deep inside.  And it stayed buried until I met Mark.  I took 15 months to plan my wedding, and I created everything that went along with it, from the invitations to the table decorations.  He always loved my projects, and he always encouraged me and was so proud of me.  The day before he died, was our staff luncheon.  My department (accounting) was in charge of it, and I was given the task of decorations.  It was a beautiful affair, and the last night he was alive, he was still beaming with pride over what I had created.  I haven't really done much since he died, but my creative nature was still alive, pushing me to keep going.  I was asked to create a very special gift for our executive vice president in honor of his 60th birthday.  I could feel Mark around as I busied myself (in less than a week) to complete a very special and unique gift.  I told everyone that I think Mark loved me the most when I was creating.  The love I had for him set my creative fire loose.  I hope to continue to create more and more.  I feel him so strong when I am in my studio, even when I am just sitting at my table.  I try and do many things to honor him, and keep his memory close to me.

[hollowheart]

I hope reading all these things sinks in with me because I just don't have it, I just still feel so sad. People always say 'oh do this to honor her' and I just don't want to hear it. There is just no energy for it. I think that maybe I just need time to get there because I find myself getting mad at pushy friends telling me to do this or that. I know I have a lot of anger these days and that's not helping.

[scba]

Dear Hollowheart, it is ok to feel sad and it is ok to feel angry too. Be kind with yourself. With time, and by doing the grief work, I'm sure the joy (probably mixed with a tear) will be present again in our lives. I have been told that I'm in fact working in building a new kind of relationship with my boyfriend. I still have no clue of what it means, but it helps me to think that he can still be part of my life, whatever way that is going to be. I havent signed up to run a marathon or raised funds for a cause, for example. I havent done anything to honor my boyfriend. Lack of acceptance? Probably. But I trust that love, which never dies, will defeat the sadness that I still feel after a year. That is what I believe, it is a very personal conclusion, I am glad to share here. 

[Guest]

HollowHeart - Here's my take for what it's worth.  Grief is work and it's work where it is difficult to see progress.  The only way I can is not by looking at yesterday or last week but by going back to my worst; for me it was August and September.  By looking at where I am and where I was I see that yes I am moving in a better direction.  Ignore the pushy friends; the world is full of those who want to fix you when you can not be fixed.  Also as scba points out give yourself permission to be angry, to cry, to do what feels right.  There is no timeline, contrary to popular opinion.  You will move through this at your speed and by yourself.  Your grief is not mine nor is mine yours.  Some day things will be different, not necessarily better but different and you will find more smiles than tears.  Until then be angry!  Be sad!  They are normal emotions and know that only you can tell yourself what you should be feeling and doing.

[Gwenivere]

The question of this topic is a hard one for me.  I feel like I am in such a survival mode right now that even looking back on everything I did do over the part year doesn't bring me much pleasure or pride that I did it.  As luck would have it, this week is crammed  with insurance and other bumps in the road I didn't need on top of dealing with the holidays themselves.  

One thing I do is carry lots of dollar bills for people I see on the street.  There was a time I never gave money because some were cons.  Now I don't care.  I am fortunate to have a home, food, vehicle and income. I have found that even that small gesture feels good.  I added another volunteer day.  Those are always a win/win because I get as much out of them.  

I'm still turning down many invites to socialize because I need to be alone with my grief unless it is with one very dear friend and that is by phone.  Now and then I surspise myself by visiting someone, but it is usually impulsive.  Making plans is too stressful for me.  Counseling is essential.  No skimping there even when I have wanted to.

I can look way back in the time machine and say the best thing I ever did to improve my life was letting Steve into it.  Now that he is gone physically, it's difficult to find anything to even come close to help that wound.  But I do know it was the best decision I ever made.  

[enna]

I think one of the most important things we learn on our grief journeys is that it is okay to allow ourselves to be right where we are. Whatever we do we can shout: "Let it Be Enough" ~ I have found that this forum allows us to express our thoughts and feelings without judgement. It is okay to be sad, it is okay to be angry, it is okay to not be jolly. It is also okay to find a small bit of happiness in holidays. I personally think that we are all better off when we lean on others. This has always been one place where we don't hear anyone telling us to "move on." 

Anne

[kayc]

Today I am trying not to sweat the small stuff.  As I said elsewhere on the forum, the heavy winds yesterday destroyed my (large) patio roof, and being as it's on a hill, it won't be easy to clean the snow off, which we're predicted to get more than our share of.  But this isn't cancer, it isn't death, it is just a hassle along the journey.  Paying for it will be another matter, but will deal with it.  So many people have real problems in this world, this really isn't one of them.  Sometimes we get tired of the hassles, but we have to keep things in perspective.

[Guest]

Well said Kayc. I'm sorry you patio roof was destroyed but as you so eloquently stated there are far more challenging things to cope with. I used to be much better at that. I used to be able to find the positive in any situation. Today it will take a far more concerted effort but I really do need to try much more to find positives in life and work harder on dealing with my grief. 

[kayc]

You are a good man, you will make it through this and deal with it, I can tell.  We just need to keep uplifting each other in positive directions.

[kayc]

I've noticed it's easier to complain that be grateful.  It's easier to focus on loss than on what we still have.  The negative things don't require effort to think about, they just jump out and zap you.  But the positive things, they require determination and effort to focus on and see.

MY HOPE FOR EVERYONE AS THEY GO IN TO THEIR NEW YEAR IS THAT WE DON'T JUST THINK ABOUT WHAT WE'VE LOST OR WHAT ALL HAS GONE WRONG THIS YEAR, BUT WHAT WE DO HAVE THAT IS GOOD.

Kevin mentioned the floods, etc. going on, those people are dealing with their own losses right now and it got me to thinking.

I am thankful for a roof over my head.  I am thankful for my dog and two cats.  I am thankful for good friends and family.  I am thankful I have food and heat and water.  I am thankful I got to have George in my life, for all he brought to me, what a difference he made to me!  I am thankful for my faith.  I am thankful for the abilities I was blessed with.  I am thankful I live where I do.

[Guest]

Gratefulness has been a common theme over the past few weeks.  You are right; it is easier, albeit more painful, to focus on our loses.  The Light Up a Life event I went to just before Thanksgiving focused on being grateful.  At that time I was pretty resistant because of the pain I was, and still am, in.  But since then it seems as if every time I hear someone speak to a group the theme is gratefulness.  So here goes:

I am grateful and so lucky that Deedo chose me to spend her life with.  She brought so much joy, love and happiness to my life.  I am indeed fortunate to be in the position I am in where I have the means to be comfortable.  While my health is and has been a concern I am lucky that I have the team of specialists at the Mayo Clinic taking care of me and have the health insurance to cover it with minimal hassles. (I wasn't so grateful yesterday with them but I do have them).  I am blessed to have a close, supportive family.  My sons and daughter are the best and reach out frequently to make sure I'm taking care of myself.  I am also blessed to live where I live with the neighbors I have.  Our loop is known as the circle of love as the people here are the kindest and most giving people one could ask for for neighbors.  I am also grateful for the many angels I have met on this journey through the bowels of Hell.  I have been fortunate enough to be able to surround myself with an army of compassionate and caring people who are there to help make this journey more tolerable; the wonderful people here are among those numbers.  So despite losing a significant part of who I am and who I want to be (I always wanted to be the person Deedo thought I was) I do have many things to be grateful for.

[Dew's Girl]

One thing I did for myself was to create places in my new house that celebrates my life and love with Daniel.

I recently spoke with my boss about reducing my hours to three days per week.  I plan on using the extra time off to get healthier mentally and physically.  I'd like to join a gym, start tai chi, and travel.

[Guest]

Amy - 

I've done the same thing for Deedo.  I initially spent a lot of time creating what I call shrines to Deedo.  They all celebrate the person she was from her Disney garden to her fairy garden to her WWDD (What Would DeedoDo) tributes to the multiple shrines throughout the house; at least one in every room.  They give me comfort.  The kids have joined in creating their own tributes they bring to the house.  

Deedo just went on a trip to Disneyland where she will forever be part of Fantasmic, the Train, the Teacups and the Fireworks display; all of her favorites.

 I need to get back to the gym as well.  I don't have the same excuses as others: I have plenty of time and my insurance picks up the tab.  I went religiously for years but when Deedo got sick I decided to spend my time with her.  Now motivation is my only issue.  I plan on going today but we will see.  

 

 

****I did make it to the gym today.  Hopefully will again tomorrow.    After a year off it wasn't as rewarding as it was painful.