A New Aloneness

[Gwenivere]

On February 3rd, I had a TIA (mini stroke).  I saw a neurologist last Weds. who confirmed it.  Naively, I had hopes it was excessive stress and grief.  

I am still in shock, but more important than the details is I realized just how alone I am.  I thought it was bad enough, but to really find yourself without someone who was there for you as you were for them is utterly devastating.  To be alone has a new meaning.  Steve was never alone in any time of crisis with his cancer.  I saw his fear many times, but I had no one to see mine.  I was on my own during the most scary thing I have ever felt.  

Now I have to add more to this processing.  Fear of becoming disabled.  I would rather drop dead than not be able to live in my home, take care of myself, it and my dogs.  This was not something I was expected to face so soon.  I've had many health scares since he left, but none that could change my life to make it even less desirable to try and carry on.  I haven't even found who I am yet without him and now I don't trust my body.  My mind is terribly scrambled.  I don't know how to incorporate these concerns with the ongoing grief.  I spent this first year finding I was capable to handle the responsibilities I was left with.  I entered this 2nd year with full attention on the grief alone.  Finding that harder than the first.  

This is a post I really debated writing this because it makes me feel like more a victim.  It will take time to regain confidence.  Or something worse will happen.  Time will tell.  I've talked with my counselor and a couple of friends, but this is one of those times that no words can truly help.  It's also talk about life alert devices, setting up boarding for the dogs if needed (all very practical but not exactly stuff I want to do right now) and making sure all my lists of meds and contacts are more readily accessible.  In other words, the complicated grief just got more complicated.

[scba]

Dear Gwen, I too don't know what to say that would bring confort nor give you an useful practical advise. I "understand" your fear, which in grief "fear" and "aloneness" regain a different meaning. I hold your hand, virtually, and my thoughts are with you. 

[MartyT]

If only life would stop for a while so we could catch our breath before being faced with more challenges. Isn't our grief enough to deal with?! Gwen, I am so sorry that you are struggling with such serious physical issues, as if being on your own is not enough. Still, it's good to know that you are taking such sound, practical steps to take care of yourself. We're all thinking of you and pulling for you.  ♥

[kayc]

Gwen, we've had many on this site with their own health issues and I can assure you that you are not alone in how you are feeling.  When my heart stopped during surgery a year ago and they had to give me thrusts to the chest to restart it, and I kept stopping breathing for hours afterward, the only one who even called and checked on me was Anne (Enna).  The person who was supposed to look after me did not, the church was supposed to bring in meals and left me stranded, I was scared.  I came home to an empty house, not knowing if I could get back up when I sat down!

It is times like these that we most feel our aloneness.  The one who is left behind very much feels how alone they are, for the person we counted on most is gone.  A friend of mine has been given six months to live, he has a fast growing Leukemia, and his biggest concern is not dying, but what will become of his wife.  They're planning on moving closer to relatives so she can get help with taking care of him at the end and so someone will be there for her after he's gone.  I hope their relatives come through, we all know how iffy that can be.

Gwen, I wish there were some words to reassure you.  I know we've had our own brave people, Anne, and fae (feralfae) who have gone through so much, but making it through their challenges.  I, too, would fear most, my loss of independence, and can really understand your concern.  I pray it doesn't come to that.  My best friend, Virgie, had a series of strokes, one from which she had to learn to walk and talk again, but she did it!  She lived alone, and a friend came and stayed with her at first, she had therapy, and now she's remarried and just bought some horses!  Her life did not end with her strokes, but she did have to do some rebuilding.  I know someone else that went through it too, and she assigned each of her friends a time to come stay with her, and she went through her PT and she's recovered now.

[Guest]

Gwen - What a scary time for you.  This is something that I fear.  A dibiliating illness; one that doesn't kill immediately leaving me dependent on others.  As Marty said: "if only life would stop for a while so we could catch our breath before being faced with more challenges."  I wish you peace.

 

[enna]

Dearest Gwen,

I am so very sorry to hear of this setback in what is already a most difficult challenge for you. I hear your concerns and I think that it is a good thing to focus on the what ifs in our lives now. Getting our paperwork together is important if we haven't already done so. Living alone has made me take steps that I would not have thought of before my Jim died. Oh, we had the main papers completed but not things like what plans have I made for my animals and what are my wishes at end of life. When I was dx with congested heart failure (now I am in managed heart failure) I did call Life Alert and I have been with them for over a year now. I never take my button from around my neck and when I am out I have a GPS that can signal Life Alert if I should need them.

It is not uncommon to have health issues when we have lost a loved one. Our worlds have been shattered. You are still very early in your grief. We are here for each other. Hugs to you.

Anne

[Gwenivere]

Thank you for all your thoughts and replies.  It's been 12 days of living with this added fear so my priority is to get control of the panic attacks hat have returned paralyzing me from the moment I wake up.  With those happening, I cannot think at all clearly.  Fortunately I have meds for it but have to find a dose that blocks them before they happen.  Haven't had to do this since I was diagnosed over 25 years ago.  I barely needed them thru Steve's battle, so this all new.  That is what makes me feel weak.  NOW I can't handle a day after years of being so 'strong'?  I understand people need meds fit many conditions.  Panic is invisible and about as difficult to explain as grief.  Can't count how many times I have been told to 'calm down'.  Like I wouldn't if I could?  This I a real deal disorder.  Rarely sidelined me when Steve was here.

Thank goodness for all of you because I received an email from a 'friend' telling me this was a wake up call to improve my health and get on with life.  This is from the same person that questioned why I still have Steve's car and why I keep getting up at noon, essentially insinuating I am wasting the day.  He keeps missing how hard life is alone so these rah rah....choose life!  messages just make me feel worse.  Oh, and Steve wouldn't want me to be unhappy.  Well.....duh!  But Steve would understand.  I can't see him whispering in my ear to 'stop being so sad' and skip on down the road without him in glee.

Ugh, it's all so confusing and challenging.  If only February 3rd had not happened.  But it did and I now have to deal with that.  Not doing a great job right now, my friends.  At least I can say that here without someone trying to fix me.  I cherish all of you!

[Gin]

Gwen,

i am so very sorry for your newest troubles, on top of the grief pain.  Being alone after losing the love of your life is horrible enough.  My hope for you is to get good medical care and ward off any further symptoms.  I am sure that slowly you will do what is needed regarding the Life Alert and making arrangements for your dogs.  The day before Al's Memorial Service I tore the meniscus in my knee.  I felt so alone and vulnerable.  Even if Al could not have done much to help, at least he would have been with me.  Please do everything the doctor suggests.  There are things that can help prevent further issues.  We care about you and want you well!

Gin

 

[KarenK]

Gwen,

Just checking up on you. I too, would find it devastating to lose my independence. I watched it happen to my mother and it was so sad.

Stress is slowly killing me, also. I am having severe blood pressure issues, even though I already take 2 meds for it. Like you, I sleep between 7AM and Noon(when I can sleep). When I lay down, my BP goes through the roof. An hour ago, it was 225/95. I guess I should call my doctor & get new meds. I have been on these for 20 years. Maybe I am immune to them or maybe this old body has just had all the stress it can stand. It is very frightening though. I am getting afraid to do things like mow the lawn.

The one saving grace is that I do not live alone. My grandson(who adds to my stress,  LOL) lives with me. If I pass out, he will come out of his room when he is hungry and find me.

[Gin]

Gwen

hope you are doing OK.  We worry about you.

Karen,. You better call your doctor.  I was on blood pressure meds for many years and all of a sudden, they stopped working and now I am on 2 different ones.  This journey is so hard and it takes a toll on our bodies and minds and spirit.

Gin

[Guest]

Karen -

Echong Gin here.  225 systolic is nothing to mess around with.  I'd see a doctor asap.  

[Margm]

Gwen, I am so sorry for the added stress.  My cancer was a double kind.  It was adeno and squamous cell headed toward each other.  My missionary Baptist faith decided it was proper punishment for my "crimes."  Well, it allowed me to live for 32-33 years with only the cloud of "punishment."  Then, after all the radiation, I am an untouchable for any treatment.  So, I tip-toe gingerly to the bathroom numerous times with the only medication being MiraLax and my wonder drug Xanax.  It is serious, I have to watch my temperature often for getting septic.  They will just do a cutdown and shoot me full of antibiotics.  The one good thing about all of this is they cannot do colonoscopies and no more pelvic's.  GYN doc told me they could do a D&C but if anything was found, they could not fix it.  Insides too friable to take a stitch.  So, why go back for something I dreaded each year.  Even downsides do have upsides.  No pun intended.  I know this is ridiculous, I just don't want to get "down" in Arkansas.  I can still move, walk long lengths (as long as a bathroom is close at "hand.")  I wonder though, not sure which is the most impaired, my mind or my body.  Will just keep on keeping on.  I wish you luck my friend, because "the one left must stay."  I understand why they say the spouse sometimes passes away that first year.  Our immune systems are down, and our will to live is down also.  Fight hard my friend, and so will I.

[hollowheart]

22 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thank goodness for all of you because I received an email from a 'friend' telling me this was a wake up call to improve my health and get on with life.  This is from the same person that questioned why I still have Steve's car and why I keep getting up at noon, essentially insinuating I am wasting the day.  He keeps missing how hard life is alone so these rah rah....choose life!  messages just make me feel worse.  Oh, and Steve wouldn't want me to be unhappy.  Well.....duh!  But Steve would understand.  I can't see him whispering in my ear to 'stop being so sad' and skip on down the road without him in glee.

I'm glad you were able to talk to people here about your health scare. Everything is compounded and elevated when your 'go-to' person is gone.  Alone is much different than being lonely and that aloneness is never felt more than when you are scared or worried. Not having anyone to share the good times is bad enough.

I fear the same kind of aloneness as I'm not getting any younger and don't know the odds of me ever getting married or getting into a long term relationship. I have no husband or kids and always felt that at the very least my sister and I would have each other in our old age. People who have kids at least have something. I see family getting older and I helped them before, but I had my sister to share in that. Now it's just me. So I gotta take care of myself and others too? That is terrifying. It's also sad neither of us gave my parents grandchildren, but I digress.

 This guy talking about improve your health and get on with it is a doofus. I hope you can brush him off your shoulders. He sounds kinda nosy too. Some people don't get how hard it is to "choose life" I'm in the bed as soon as I get a chance, something I never did before unless I was sick. I've been robbed of my motivation and zest for life.

I'm sorry, but I laughed when you said skip on down the road because I was told multiple times to do just that. I watched a few movies recently where people died and their loved ones all said something along the lines of they live for the now because they dont' want life to pass them by or something like that.

And I was like 'do people really think that way?" Because I didn't and I still don't. Not once have I thought I want to 'grab life by the balls" now because I lost someone. It didn't make me want to get on with life faster or be happy I am alive. I'm just constantly sad and missing her. Maybe it's just me.

[Kpl48]

Gwen, I'm so sorry to know you had mini strokes. I understand how you feel about losing your independence. My prayers are headed your way. 

[kayc]

Gwen, you definitely need someone more understanding and supportive in your life than this guy!  If you can't let it go in one ear and out the other, I hope you tell him how ridiculously without a clue he is!

[CL]

Hello Gwen,

How frightening that TIA must have been, and now to be haunted by the fears it left in its wake.  I agree, it is sometimes almost unbearable to feel so alone.  I fell last August and wrenched my rotator cuff and have been dealing with that ever since, and one of the effects is obviously fear of that or something else happening again.  Gwen, I'm wondering if you could see someone for help with the anxiety?  There are various possibilities, and one which has helped me with some other very fearful things in my life is a type of therapy called EMDR.  It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Retraining - but that is somewhat of a misnomer in terms of how it has come to be practiced.  Anyway, it is essentially about helping to deal with the energetic/neural pathways of fear that have been set up - which now when triggered can lead to such high anxiety and panic.  And something I do for myself when I start to get too freaked out is I sit down and calmly and slowly speak to myself, very concrete positive things, like, "I'm actually okay now, I'm right here in my living room, the sun is shining, the house is warm, let me see what I can do to help myself - very gentle and slow.  Maybe have some carbs, they  usually calm the mind a little, have a bubble bath, turn the fireplace on, have some cocoa, literally anything,no matter how small, to help calm myself in the moment.  And if you have a friend you can call, then do that - and just literally tell her/him that you feel so freaked out at the moment and need to talk to someone.  From the view of neuro science, anxiety is a whole lot of thoughts all being triggered at once - way more than can be processed at once, so slowing down and doing something very slowly, speaking lovingly and slowly, not trying to solve the BIG issue that has triggered the crush of thoughts, can often help.  Well, those are some of the things that help me when I'm all alone and feel the anxiety building too much.  I send you sincere caring.

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, you definitely need someone more understanding and supportive in your life than this guy!  If you can't let it go in one ear and out the other, I hope you tell him how ridiculously without a clue he is!

I am currently trying to figure out a kind way to tell this guy he is an idiot and back off about my life.  

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, CL said:

Hello Gwen,

I'm wondering if you could see someone for help with the anxiety?  There are various possibilities, and one which has helped me with some other very fearful things in my life is a type of therapy called EMDR. 

Well, those are some of the things that help me when I'm all alone and feel the anxiety building too much.  I send you sincere caring.

Unfortunately, EMDR is not effective for panic disorder.  PD is a malfunction in the brain triggering the fight of flight process.  It is not something one can talk themselves out of of desensitization works for like specific phobias.  I tried EMDR and I need medications (which I have) to control an actual physical abnormality.  Thank you fir your input, tho.  I do appreciate it.

[MartyT]

Gwen, I just found this in my email, from friend and colleague Peggy Haymes, and I thought of you. Not sure if you would be interested, but just in case . . .

My dog who is the house manger lets me know when it's time for bed. Last night when she began reminding me that it was time, I told her that I just needed to brush my teeth and put on my pajamas. (Yes, we have such conversations. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Standing at the sink with toothbrush in my hand I glanced in the mirror and realized that I didn't need to put my pajamas on... because I'd never gotten out of them! We had a snow day around here - a messy mixture of snow, ice and freezing rain. (I can drive on snow. Ice, not so much.)

But even though I forgot to get dressed I had a very productive day. One of the things I worked on is my upcoming webinar, "If I love Jesus why do I need Xanax?"

If you've ever struggled with anxiety, you know how frustrating, debilitating and even scary it can be. Those effects are multiplied when you are made to feel guilty for your feelings as a person of faith.

In this webinar we'll take a deeper look at what anxiety is and what causes it. I've discovered one cause by listening to my clients and helping them connect the dots. We'll take advantage of new brain research in understanding how the brain reinforces our anxiety. Finally, we'll talk about some tools for dealing with it.

There was a time that I was ready to swear off webinars. I was tired of people giving twenty minutes of content and forty minutes of promotion. This is not one of those webinars. While it's not a therapy session, it will be filed with the same information that informs my work with clients.

Can I ask a favor? If you know of someone who has shared with you their struggles with anxiety, would you tell them about this webinar? Forward this email to them or, if you don't want them to know that you read stuff from someone who works in her pajamas, give them this link:

https://www.bigmarker.com/Peggy_Haymes/If-I-love-J...

The webinar is free. If you can't make it on Friday morning, a replay will be available for those who have signed up.

In pajamas or out, I hope you have a good week.

Peggy

 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Marty.  I will check this out.  

[kayc]

Thanks, I signed up, am not sure how long it lasts but it starts at 7 am Oregon time (before I walk my dog), hope I remember and get around in time!

[MartyT]

Not to worry, Kay. As Peggy says, "If you can't make it on Friday morning, a replay will be available for those who have signed up."

[CL]

Dear Gwen,

OK, I do sincerely wish you the best.  Lord knows you don't need any more agonies!

[Margm]

I have a tremor, supposedly congenital, as my dad, grandma and aunt had it also.  I am "damaged" and cannot take many medicines.  One doc told me that I scared him, but he patched me up when everyone thought I was hopeless.  Could be running into parkinsonism.  My other living aunt has beginning Parkinson's disease.  My grandfather died at 56 with it back in the 1950's.  It was never felt to be inherited.  (I had worked in neurology at the university hospital)  I retired in 1997, the year they found out it might be inherited. Xanax calms the tremor for now.  And, takes care of the anxiety/fears.  My dad had prostate cancer and suffered for four years.  He knew it was terminal, but he did not want to get addicted to pain killers, so he would hurt a lot.  They flooded his IV's with them during his numerous hospitalizations.  I know how to coast off the Xanax.  I doubt if I ever will again though.  You can safely get off of it, but I would not advise it without help from a doc.  You do not have the cravings like with nicotine.  And, I don't smoke.  One family member got off alcohol with the help of AA.  She cannot get off the nicotine though.  Billy dipped so much snuff for so long, and I just wonder what, if any, part that played in his cancer.  My first published article in the medical journals back in the 1980's (I just typed it and submitted it) was a study done on smokeless tobacco by one of our residents, and its part in causing kidney cancer.  Looks like something is gonna get us no matter what we do.  Billy's last written grocery list was health foods, written about five weeks before his passing..  

[KarenK]

I am stubborn about going to the doctor for anything, but the BP thing is causing a terrible headache and lack of sleep. I called today as it hovered around 225/95. They told me to come in immediately. Fortunately my son is off today and had just mowed my yard so he was available to drive me. I was a little leery about driving & I certainly didn't want to possibly hurt someone. It was down to 190/85 by the time I got there. The doctor was very concerned & upped the dosage on one of the meds. He also told me to take one med in the morning & one in the evening, instead of together. I also asked him about something for anxiety. He wrote a script for Sertraline(Zoloft) which I will try and he gave me some more samples of Belsomra which my insurance doesn't cover. I am now a walking pharmacy which goes against my grain, but may keep me in one piece.

Of course, none of this will erase the stress I am under, but perhaps I will be able to think more clearly unless I am too drugged to care. Between the devil and the deep blue sea, I suppose. I did get all my documents ready for the mortgage company application for a loan modification and will deliver them on Thursday. I also made an appointment(free consultatoin) for that day with an attorney to discuss my options for getting out of this debt and possibly keeping my home. So all in all, it was a productive day. I accomplished all this, plus a trip to the post office and the dollar store with only an hour's sleep so I must be doing alright.  LOL