Reflections and musings

[kayc]

I'm glad I'm not alone with the Facebook annoyance, but alas I spoke too soon of my sister's life...her MIL (who is irritating at best) is now in the hospital and they're having to visit her daily and handle her affairs, and will likely have to clean out her apartment as she moves to a facility (all the while she appreciates NOTHING).  Julie's sister-in-law is staying with them while she also helps with her mom.  Yes, Julie will have a cruise at Christmas, but by then they will really be needing it!  Of course, that's not something we're ever afforded.  I don't need cruises, but I sure would like my husband to go through everything life has to dish out with.

George and I shared so much that I'm not sure there was much we didn't get to say to each other about our lives...we were both talkers!

[Brad]

41 minutes ago, kayc said:

George and I shared so much that I'm not sure there was much we didn't get to say to each other about our lives...we were both talkers!

It was the same with Deedo and myself.  One reason I can listen to music is that the radio was never on in the car; we were talking too much to listen to it.  It was not unsual for us to go out for a cup of coffee and start driving, only to come home two to three days later having driven from Utah to Idaho to Wyoming to Colorado and back; talking the entire time.  We did enjoy our impromptu travels.

[Margm]

I want to take Billy's flies that he has tied and put them in a shadowbox for the kids and grandkids with his picture fly fishing in the background.  I will do it one of these days.  Maybe after 500 days I can open the box.  That was a wonderful thing for your grandchildren.  I go back to my grandmother's "book" often.  They published some of her writings at some colleges.  She wrote about the times she grew up in from 1899 until she quit writing in probably the 1970's.  When your grandchildren have grandchildren of their own, this will be their history.  This is a very good gift for them Brad.

Sometimes I get carried away with my memories.  

 

[brat#2]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I know we all miss what our partners used to say as part of thier signature personalities.   I was thinking that in the last 2 years I have not heard anything new Steve would have come up with in that time passing.  Jokes, anachronisms, silly rhymes or sings.  I see things happening all around me and winder what he would say.  Even in the over 30 years we were together, I kept learning new things about him too.  Many little stories that he would remember because of some trigger.  I miss I'll now not ever know more of his growing up or times before I came along.  I think of things from my growing up I never got to share because I have remembered them since he left.  It just never dawned on me that I never got to know him even better.  I miss the 'did I ever tell you...?'  I'm now seeing that our book of life together will be incomplete.  No matter how long we are with someone, there's always more to discover about them.  Can't ask if they ever did something you remember doing as it comes up.  I miss the person I loved most in the world and all the things I hadn't discovered yet.

Oh how true all this is.  Dale was so good at coming up with great one liners for everything or new words for something, I do sure miss that.  I feel and hope that we knew pretty much everything about each other, but I'm sure if we had more time, there would be things I didn't know.  I know how difficult it feels knowing that you will never know more about your true love, it's just so sad.

Joyce

 

[Cookie]

On ‎12‎/‎08‎/‎2016 at 5:09 PM, Brad said:

One of the many treasures Deedo left behind was her "Deedo's Book of Secrets". This book illustrated and written by her captures her uniqueness, her zaniness, her passion better than anything possibly could.  Today I spent the afternoon scanning in all one hundred twelve secrets with the plan of adding pictures of her from throughout her life.  When finished I'll have copies made for the kids.  Saturday will be day 500 since she died.  It has taken me 500 days to get myself to a place where I could handle spending so much time with her memories as seen through her eyes.  For me, today was a victory.

 

 

Brad:  What a lovely woman your wife was.  I am just now getting around to where I can look at pictures of John.  These wonderful people; the world is missing them...Cookie

[Cookie]

4 hours ago, brat#2 said:

Oh how true all this is.  Dale was so good at coming up with great one liners for everything or new words for something, I do sure miss that.  I feel and hope that we knew pretty much everything about each other, but I'm sure if we had more time, there would be things I didn't know.  I know how difficult it feels knowing that you will never know more about your true love, it's just so sad.

Joyce

 

I totally agree Gwen.  I have had that exact same thought.  Oh, I wish I had told him this or I wish I had asked him that.  Sometimes I just try to imagine what he would have said and fantasize.  It's true, even after all the years, there is always so much more...that is why when people say "you should be feel lucky you had him for so many years," I am thinking not enough, not enough!  Cookie

[Cookie]

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

I can remember our dating months (only six), and as we were "closing the deal" he admitted to some fears.  His family had always rented.  He told me awhile back that he could not have children, the doc said the mumps had done the bad deed.  They must have dropped to his big toe, the mumps missed their mark, he was very fertile. He admitted to never having responsibilities.  Well, my mom had given me $5 one day while I was job hunting in Shreveport.  That was the extent of my responsibilities.  Mama and daddy took care of all of our "responsibilities."  He told me "Mama picks up my clothes and keeps them washed."  Well, that was one thing we had in common.  My mom did the same for me, so neither of us picked up after ourselves until we got ready to wash clothes.  I did hang out the clothes one time after they had sat wet in a hot car a couple of days.  My first experience with clothes turning "sour."  We just learned as we went.  He felt so guilty about my working that he started taking over chores I was supposed to do.  He was very old fashioned.  Women did not work.  He got tired of working two jobs though.  And my "job" was not a job.  It was a wonderful hobby that happened to pay me to do it.

Talking?  We literally grew up with each other.  After 50 years I found out he did not like green beans or cinnamon.  All I can say is we "learned" how to be married together.  We thought we were good parents, but we were terrible enablers.  Now, all these years later, without Billy, I am still an enabler, just as he would have been too.  

The gest of the whole marriage was that I became him and he became me.  He was not a house fixer upper.  I was not a decorator.  I had no sense of interior decorations.  If something hung from the roof, it just hung there until I would tell him the other parts were going to come down too.  We had new floors put in five rooms and as part of our payment of the insurance deduction we were to put down the corner rounds.  We bought them.  They sat in the garage for at least four years and the people that lease it either have put them down or bought new ones.  I put on the refrigerator a big note "fix the other pipe under the sink."  That was the culprit that busted.  I took the sign down when I was leaving.  Billy had already left.  I figure the man that leased the house changed the pipe.  I explained it to them.  They were happy to have the house, happy to do this.  It was a win-win.  The two of us were not homesteaders.  We were RVers that got to live that life only a short while.

The responsibilities we shared as we went along.  We learned them and did not shirk our people responsibilities.  He hated paying the IRS.  That was the only business he handled.  Too many numbers for me.  I got us in trouble a few times financially, but I also got us out of that trouble.  I want to run home and tell him something.  That is when it really hurts, so I tell him when I am riding by myself in the car.  He does about the same as he always did.  I sure miss him.    

Oh Marg, I loved this little story.  I relate to it too in some ways.  I met John when I was 18, he was 24.  We too grew up together and didn't know what the heck we were doing half the time.  We moved to the mountains to live off the land and I have some hysterical stories to remember about our ineptitude.  But what I really related to your saying was that you were him and he was you.  That is what seems to happen after that many years and all those experiences and it's so darn hard to do without them.  This continues to be so hard....Cookie

[Margm]

   I''m sorry Cookie.  I get carried away sometimes and write too much.  Sometimes though remembering that "I am him and he is me" makes me think he is still with me.  Sometimes that helps for a tiny second or two.  Sometimes where one thing helps, if I try it again it has the opposite effect and I will go off in deep depression.  So, will have to drop that.  Like taking his hats and putting them in the truck with me, I talked to those hats for 40 miles to the city and 40 miles back.  I discussed everything, the bad and then the good.  I felt a load had been lifted and I sat those hats in the other seat on my next trip and cried all the way there and back.  That was this time last year though.  I don't cry as much now, but I keep a roll of paper towels close cause I will cry at commercials.  

And, I would so love to hear some of your stories of "living off the land."  One time Billy wanted to raise minks or chinchillas on the garage floor.  He wanted to be his own boss.  That would have been disastrous, but we had a lot of those times.

[brat#2]

19 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Sometimes I just try to imagine what he would have said and fantasize.  It's true, even after all the years, there is always so much more...that is why when people say "you should be feel lucky you had him for so many years," I am thinking not enough, not enough!  Cookie

So true Cookie, this is so hard.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Gin]

Al fell several times during his last year.  The first time was at the health club.  He mis stepped and fell backwards off a treadmill.  The machine was not on, but since he could barely see, he just fell off and hit his head on the treadmill behind him.  Had to go to ER since he was on blood thinners.  Lately, I see that scene over and over when I am there.  He was very proud and did not want me hovering  all the time.  Maybe I should have.

[kayc]

Gin, I think you did the right thing by respecting his wishes, it afforded him his dignity.  It's very hard for a man to feel helpless or not in full control.

[Cookie]

Gin:  I had similar feelings with John.  He was getting really sick with his throat cancer, had to have a PEG tube and was getting tired.  I wanted to help tube feed him, but he said he could do it himself, and later, I wondered if I should have been a little more insistent.  It was so conflicting.  I definitely wanted him to be in charge and honor his wishes, but at the same time I wanted to care for him and let him know it didn't bother me to do that.  I think he was trying to spare me on some level.  One of the last times he tried to tube feed, he missed the tube and everything splattered all over the room.  I cleaned it up but he felt so bad and that haunts me.  It seems like we torture ourselves with these things.  It's impossible sometimes.  Just wanted you to know I'm there with you....Cookie 

[Margm]

18 hours ago, kayc said:

it afforded him his dignity

I felt I had lost some of my dignity when Billy had to clean the bags I had to have attached to the hole my doctor had made to drain the infection from my colon.  He never showed he minded.  Our first year together, a week or so before our first anniversary he was emptying bedpans with the difficult delivery of our son.  He did not show any thoughts of his that this might have been gross.  Billy would have made a great nurse.  Those last five weeks when he became totally disabled, my giving him bed baths (was a loving feeling of closeness I felt I shared with him.)  I did other things that made him feel less a man to himself, not to me.  After nearly 55 years together, he did not want me doing things for him that he could not do for himself.  There are men on here that would have to face their own feelings about this.  We women, we felt the maternal feelings that made up our whole psyche, we were caring for the person we loved so much..  But that person, being only in touch with his dignity side, not our maternal side, he did not feel it.  My dad's blood count had got down so low, he was bleeding into his nephrostomy tube that had to be changed often, he hated Mama having to do  that.  He would accept help from Billy and our grown son, but he would not have let me help at all.  He hated Mama having to drain that tube.  My uncle (his brother-in-law) came to help once and my dad physically ran him off.  He did not return.  Billy knew I did not mind, but something deep inside him, something that made him what he was, he could not abide the things I was doing.  "In sickness and in health" was something he shared with my being ill, but he could not tolerate having to be helped.  He left me, he was trying to tell me he had to go, and I would not accept it.  I now understand, but I physically and mentally feel I could and would have carried those over six feet around in my arms like a baby.  He did not want this.  I will change the words to the song "he's not heavy, he's my husband."  But, I would not want to take away his dignity.  I had to let him go.   

[Margm]

Gwen, it took Billy over 50 years to let me know he did not like green beans or cinnamon.  Now I knew a lot he would not eat. but why wait so long?

I have been fighting with myself not to take my morning Xanax.  Some mornings I forget about it.  If I am preparing even to get groceries I go full fledge into panic.  I always liked to get groceries by myself. Sometimes by myself I have fear to even move.  I know the shakes sometimes come from the medical condition of my ruptured colon repair and my belly.  This cannot be helped.  It is not like Billy shadowed my every step, but I knew he was there, somewhere.  I think with him gone I am ALONE even around people. I wonder do we ever get used to it. I don't understand the fear and panic. But in all the books I read, it happens often in others,  It mentions being "untethered" and makes me think of an animal on a leash, the leash is removed and the animal does not know what to do.  Neither do I.

[iPraiseHim]

"Christian views expressed..."

Marg,

I understand well about fighting with myself.  It is still a struggle to take care of myself each day. I still get times of panic and uneasiness.  I think it is just part of our journey now.  There was a peace in knowing that your beloved loved,cared, and watched out for you.  That peace is gone now and i have had to take some additional steps to help me regain my footing in that area.  What has been helping me of late is to follow some daily reading plans in the "Your Bible APP"  There have been several that have helped me to stay focused on what really matters. Keep searching and discover what will help you traverse this grief pathway.  My heart and prayers are with you, Marg.  - Shalom, George  

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Marg M said:

It is not like Billy shadowed my every step, but I knew he was there, somewhere.  I think with him gone I am ALONE even around people. I wonder do we ever get used to it. I don't understand the fear and panic. But in all the books I read, it happens often in others,  It mentions being "untethered" and makes me think of an animal on a leash, the leash is removed and the animal does not know what to do.  Neither do I.

You did it again, Marg.  The perfect analogy.  A leash not being a bad thing in this context.  I don't know what to do either.  I never wanted this freedom from our life together.  I live in this populated world, but I don't feel connected anymore.  It's devastating not to have that one person who loved you more than anyone else.  Someone you knew was at the other end you could always turn to and vice versa.  I miss him not needing or wanting me day to day.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I think with him gone I am ALONE even around people. I wonder do we ever get used to it.

Yep, that's how it is.  I'd say I've gotten used to it as much as one can but LIKING it is another story.  There are times that I feel so alone and uncared about, it is really really hard.  Hard places, holidays...it's hard to go through alone.  I do my best with it, that's about all I can do.  I miss SHARING life with him.

[Brad]

Just finished Deedo's Book of Secrets.  What a challenging two days it has been.  More tears shed the past thirty-six hours than in the past thirty-six days.  But they were/are ( I don't think I'm finished yet) cathartic tears, tears of gratitude for a truly remarkable life together, tears of love for that most amazing woman, tears of pain for the hole that is now in my heart/soul, tears of laughter at her craziness and off the wall sense of humor.  When finished, the book was condensed to sixty pages and submitted to be published in hard back.  I ordered four copies; one for each of us.  I also sent in all of our VHS tapes to be burnt on Blueray and ordered eighteen DVDs.  When everything arrives the kids and I will need to have a marathon of laughter and tears.  I don't know if I'll have enough paper towels, may need to resort to bath towels and the dryer.

[MartyT]

What a thoughtful, unique and priceless gift this will be for your family, dear Brad!  ♥

[Brad]

“Yes, that sounds very well. But there’s a snag. I am thinking about her nearly always. Thinking of the H. facts – real words, looks, laughs, and actions of hers. But it is my own mind that selects and groups them. Already, less than a month after her death, I can feel the slow, insidious beginning of a process that will make the H. I think of into a more and more imaginary woman. Founded on fact, no doubt, I shall put in nothing fictitious (or I hope I shan’t). But won’t the composition inevitably become more and more my own? The reality is no longer there to check me, to pull me up short, as the real H. so often did, so unexpectedly, by being so thoroughly herself and not me.”

Excerpt From: C.S. Lewis. “A Grief Observed.”

 "I could’ve found satisfaction in throwing myself into work as a teacher and keeping my house a museum for James the rest of my life, but I know there would’ve been a lot of emptiness. Emptiness can be an important mental state as you process loss — I’d never recommend rushing through it — but it’s not a place to live."

Excerpt From Michelle Jarvie. "MY SECOND CHAPTER: LIFE, MARRIAGE, FAMILY"

 

These two quotes resonated with me this morning.  I recognized that for the first several months I enshrined Deedo throughout the house, hanging many of my favorite pictures of her in every room of the house; creating gardens and bringing in statuary to try to capture her essence.  I think of her constantly and in my thoughts I have beatified my beloved.  I have sainted her.  Michelle Jarivie spoke of the rose colored glasses, mine are still permanently affixed to my nose.  I know that at sometime I will need to start removing the shrines, removing the 30 x 36" prints from the walls.  I know that I need to remember her not as someone to be canonized but as the living, breathing, perfect and yet flawed human she was.  To do otherwise is to dishonor her.  I recognize that for me to move forward in my grief I need to start replacing the pictures of the two of us with ones of my life without her.  This is all needed to move from being BradnDeedo to becoming Brad again.  This doesn't mean I will love her less nor miss her less; it simply means I am going to try to remove those rose colored glasses, change my home from a museum dedicated to the love of my life to more of a reflection of me, who I now am and who I wish to become.  I'm not ready yet but I believe that the first step is recognizing where I need to go.

[Cookie]

1 hour ago, Brad said:

“Yes, that sounds very well. But there’s a snag. I am thinking about her nearly always. Thinking of the H. facts – real words, looks, laughs, and actions of hers. But it is my own mind that selects and groups them. Already, less than a month after her death, I can feel the slow, insidious beginning of a process that will make the H. I think of into a more and more imaginary woman. Founded on fact, no doubt, I shall put in nothing fictitious (or I hope I shan’t). But won’t the composition inevitably become more and more my own? The reality is no longer there to check me, to pull me up short, as the real H. so often did, so unexpectedly, by being so thoroughly herself and not me.”

Excerpt From: C.S. Lewis. “A Grief Observed.”

 "I could’ve found satisfaction in throwing myself into work as a teacher and keeping my house a museum for James the rest of my life, but I know there would’ve been a lot of emptiness. Emptiness can be an important mental state as you process loss — I’d never recommend rushing through it — but it’s not a place to live."

Excerpt From Michelle Jarvie. "MY SECOND CHAPTER: LIFE, MARRIAGE, FAMILY"

 

These two quotes resonated with me this morning.  I recognized that for the first several months I enshrined Deedo throughout the house, hanging many of my favorite pictures of her in every room of the house; creating gardens and bringing in statuary to try to capture her essence.  I think of her constantly and in my thoughts I have beatified my beloved.  I have sainted her.  Michelle Jarivie spoke of the rose colored glasses, mine are still permanently affixed to my nose.  I know that at sometime I will need to start removing the shrines, removing the 30 x 36" prints from the walls.  I know that I need to remember her not as someone to be canonized but as the living, breathing, perfect and yet flawed human she was.  To do otherwise is to dishonor her.  I recognize that for me to move forward in my grief I need to start replacing the pictures of the two of us with ones of my life without her.  This is all needed to move from being BradnDeedo to becoming Brad again.  This doesn't mean I will love her less nor miss her less; it simply means I am going to try to remove those rose colored glasses, change my home from a museum dedicated to the love of my life to more of a reflection of me, who I now am and who I wish to become.  I'm not ready yet but I believe that the first step is recognizing where I need to go.

I read your post Brad, and this is all so hard.  I have just recently been putting up pictures of John around the house and it's been 18 months.  I put them up but they still hurt to look at.  I want him back so bad.  I think I felt like it's been so long I should make myself do it.  What bothers me is that I try not to think about him and when I do I get so sad.  I keep thinking I need to force myself to remember things.  Someone told me I need to sit down and get out all the picture albums and just look at pictures and have a good cry.  Still can't do it.  Am I stuck I wonder?  Am I running away still?  I feel the pain, though.  This all confuses me.  At the core, I do want to remember exactly who he was....just seem so far away from being able to do that.  Cookie

[MartyT]

It seems to me, Cookie, that yours is a good example of "dosing" your grief ~ that is, you are facing what might be upsetting to you by trying some things (such as looking at pictures of John) gradually as you find you are able to tolerate whatever emotions arise. There is nothing wrong with that approach ~ In fact, it is a very healthy one that shows self-awareness and a willingness to take care of yourself.

[Brad]

Cookie -

We all handle our grief in different ways.  We chose what works for us.  From the beginning I would start my days reading letters that Deedo left me and looking at pictures of our life together.  I would always cry but then I felt like I was ready to face the day.  Some days it worked, others it didn't.  Hanging pictures of her was not a challenge because we were always ones to hang pictures of our travels and our kids and our grandkiddies throughout the house.  Again this is what I felt worked for me.  You on the other hand are doing what works for you.  After about six months I started a gratitude diary because it worked for me.  This is another thing that you found painful.  Grief is not a one thing works for all kind of thing.  I just had all of our VHS tapes transferred to Blueray for the kids.  I am currently not interested in viewing them; may someday but not now.  

Be kind to yourself, you are doing as well as any of us.

Brad

[Margm]

15 minutes ago, Brad said:

We all handle our grief in different ways.  We chose what works for us.

It is what it is.  

Some of the things our forum members do, I cannot do at all.  I think I will try it, I try it, and the scar tissue falls off and the wound is raw.  But, someone else, it helps them immensely.  I keep trying  the pictures and I have set backs of moments, hours, days.  But, I am beginning to be able to listen to music.  Oh, I always could listen to music, show music, Broadway music, just music Billy would not listen to.  But, Billy was not into music much, thankfully.  Now, I can listen to it a little.  Maybe not words sometimes.  

We cannot do what other people do.  The only thing we can do that other people do is "just breathe."  I just went through a period of having dreams, nonsensical dreams that Billy was there too.  Cannot remember them later, but in the dreams there is no sadness, not even on waking.  I did wake myself up one night calling his name.  Don't know why.

[Brad]

26 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 But, I am beginning to be able to listen to music.  Oh, I always could listen to music, show music, Broadway music, just music Billy would not listen to.  But, Billy was not into music much, thankfully.  Now, I can listen to it a little.  Maybe not words sometimes.  

 

There are reasons why I listen to much more classical, opera, ballet, New Age than I ever have before: either they don't have words or the words are in Italian which I don't speak.  Another reason is I find this music calming, not unlike meditation music.  Deedo was huge into the Beatles, anything Christmas and on occasion Manheim Steamroller.  Those I avoid.  She didn't enjoy my classical music as it made her sad.  In the car the radio was never on as we were too busy talking, talking and talking some more.  It was hard enough to sit down and watch TV because we would talk nonstop, or until she fell asleep. Then I would watch a show or two.