Reflections and musings

[Margm]

I like the way the Japanese do it.  If I had been younger, I know I would feel the same.

[scba]

I should move to Japan.

[Gwenivere]

I was married before too.  6 months of misery.  He made a great boyfriend, but I knew getting married would change all that.  I also knew Steve (who was married) at the time and thought maybe getting marrried would stop or lessen my desire to be with him.  Even my best friend back then asked why I was doing this knowing it was not the right person.  It didn't change a thing for either Steve or me.  We both divorced and finally were free to be together instead of hiding in the shadows to do so.  We weren't proud of that time we deceived others, but the heart wants what the heart wants.  It was a marriage that lasted almost 32 years and survived 2 separations.  That is why I know there will never be another and bristle when it is said to me that there could be.  This isn't like being in your late teens and early 20's when you are seeking and people are interchangeable, as long as you have companionship.  

[Margm]

Met my new doc today.  A real, live MD, not a PA or nurse practitioner (though I would not change my nurse practitioner for a doc, but not going back to AR).  She did not think I needed a shrink but will send me to a counselor.  We will see how that goes.  I think of all of you as my counselors, you have been there, not sure this one will have, but who knows.

 

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

She did not think I needed a shrink

I must say, dear Marg, that I am not at all surprised. Grief is not a psychiatric disorder, and you most certainly are not mentally ill ♥  

[Margm]

Oh Marty, thank you so much.  I did have a supervisor that told me one time that I was crazy, but it was a really nice crazy.  Still pondering that thirty years later.  

[Brad]

Marty posted a blog about crying from the mountain tops in the No Ordinary Day discussion.  Anyone who knows me knows I am an ardent believer in "crying on top of a mountain" and finding the "roar that takes place within us when we scream under the stars".  I was doing just that today.  I was out for my daily stroll and for some reason I allowed those unwanted memories to creep into my walk.  The tears were freely falling as I sauntered along the trail.  I looked up and ten yards ahead of me a cute little muley was staring me down.  I discovered how quickly wildlife can transport me out of a funk.  It was one of a half-dozen deer that were surrounding me.  Deedo, in one of her notes to me, told me to look for signs.  Keep in mind I am a card-carrying skeptic blessed with over active critical thinking skills; but recently I was reminded of how obtuse I am.  So today a new leaf; this, for me, is a sign.  The only two things I know of that can so expeditiously bring me out of the doldrums: grandkids and wildlife (I know; sometimes they are one and the same).  Sometime I will need to tell the story of the birdhouse so you can see how dense I really can be.  Deedo knew how to reach me in the kindest of ways.

[Cookie]

I think I know what you mean Gwen.  People do say there will be others, but I was thinking today how long it took for my husband and I to develop the long rich relationship we had, all the years and work, ups and downs.  When I think of doing that again or it even being possible, I think I don't have enough years left in this life even if I wanted to.  I am lonely, but lonely for him and all that meant.  Don't know what the answer is.  I know another widow who is 2 years out and she has met someone just to spend time with and is really enjoying it.  I am jealous of her capacity to do that. 

Brad, I do yoga regularly and was in class and just started crying out of no where.  I wasn't thinking of John, but for some reason everything came together to make me really feel the missing of him.  Afterwards in the relaxation pose, I felt such peace.  It's a wonder to me how you can be in tremendous pain at one moment and then transition to peace....I was thinking of you on that trail and the wildlife. 

There aren't many great colors where I am this year.  I am in the mountains but we are having a severe drought.  Pretty unusual for this area as we are supposed to be a rainforest.  It smells like the desert out there, which actually is nice in a way because I grew up in the desert.  Hope everyone is well....hugs Cookie

[Cookie]

On ‎10‎/‎21‎/‎2016 at 3:05 PM, Brad said:

C.S. Lewis begins his book "A Grief Observed" likening grief to fear.  I don't know why that struck me but it did.  Today I ran to the store to pick up some groceries.  As I was sitting the the car, waiting to back out of the parking spot I felt that emptiness in my gut, I noticed that my heart was racing just a little, I had that sensation of fear; of grief.  I have no idea what precipitated it: my actions were routine, I wasn't thinking of anything in particular, it was just there and it lasted until my driving distracted me from the sensation.  I have had this sensation repeatedly for the past nearly fifteen months.  

Today marks 450 days since Deedo died.  450 sounds like such a large number and yet I still am surprised at what a challenge it is to get from waking up to going back to sleep that evening.  

I've been making initial plans for my Europe trip next summer: lots of tears shed as Deedo and I have been talking about Europe since we met.  Deedo lived in Germany for eight years and always wanted to take me to show me around.  Our house is full of her treasures: lots of copper pots, antique clocks, figurines, all of which she knew the history and importance; I should have listened better.  This was going to be our retirement trip.  Little did we know I would retire to take care of her.  She invisioned us jumping on a cheap last-minute deal to spend a weekend in Venice.  I always figured I would be fortunate to make there once so I might as well see as much as I could.  I've always been one who believed bigger is better, Deedo: less is more.  This is one trip that I will get my way although if truth be told she always acquiesced.  Maybe the planning is giving me a delayed trigger.

Brad:  Thanks for talking about the grief/fear thing.  I have also been having that for 16 months and really thought there was something wrong with me, like I have a serious anxiety disorder.  It's comforting to know others experience and are still experiencing it.

[Cookie]

On ‎10‎/‎21‎/‎2016 at 3:32 PM, Gin said:

Brad,

I had that gut feeling today, also.  I went to a book club where the discussion was about the Wright Bros.. Al and I never went to a book club together, so I thought I was safe.  I kept thinking about how much Al would have enjoyed that book.  He was almost blind the last several years, so I used to read out loud to him at night.  He would have understood some of the subilties that I did not.  So even when I try to do things that we never did together, he is always involved.  From there to the grocery store, where I focused on things he liked.  Tears flowed again.

Gin

Gin:  Yes, John is ever present in my life too.  He's not here but he's always everywhere for me.  I loved that you read to your husband...

[Cookie]

On ‎10‎/‎17‎/‎2016 at 10:39 PM, Gwenivere said:

You are so right, George.  People think we get more adjusted to being alone when it is more time we have had to miss that interaction.  Definitely more adjustment.  I accepted Steve was gone a long time ago.  Acceptance does not mean closure as so many outsiders think.  It is accepting the foreverness of this in this lifetime.  I found the 2nd year crushing with the undeniable reality and finality.  I'm looking at starting my 3rd and have no idea what that brings.  I wish I could forget the date he died.  It's not a date I want to remember.  I remember every day.  Milestones just enhance the personal loneliness as others have really moved on in their lives.  I often hesitate saying anything now to people because 2 years seems more than sufficient to them.

Gwen:  You so often say exactly what I have felt...this is my second year and I am definitely feeling more of everything.  It's true, people really think it progressively gets better, onward and upward, which leaves me feeling very isolated and lonely.  I know they don't get it.  A 94-year-old woman told me, "Oh gosh, it takes at least 5 years to start feeling like you can live again."  She lost her dear husband when she was in her 70s.  At least she made me feel like I'm not so lost and there is hope for eased pain in time.....Cookie

[Gwenivere]

Cookie, I think in the 2nd year we truly come to know how real this is.  I spent the 1st crying and wanting him back. Now I know that isn't possible and the pain has shifted to a different reality.  The crying is about knowing with absolute clarity I am on my own.  

I like to use  the word 'outsiders' because that is what they truly are.  I don't mean it as a judgement, but we are set apart now from anyone who has not placed on this path.  I spent a night writing to someone who kept advising me with no experience.  It took everything I had to put into words what this kind of loss does to a person.  I even told him the Steve he saw was the one trying to protect his friends from his fears so they would remember him as the fighter he was.  This persons response?  Nothing.  Not a word.  It broke my heart he couldn't acknowledge my or Steves fight with the demon who took him and why I will never be the same as that is what he wants.  If he can't accept I am changed forever, he'll never get the depth of this as he continually tells me of all he and his wife are doing and planning.  And the kicker?  He's worn out from friends and family that are always coming by to visit.  What am I supposed to say to that?  I'm sorry you have such a full life?  Gee, I wish you could have some loneliness to make you feel better?  So sorry so many people care and want to see you?  How awful you are part of so many lives with purpose?  

I can buy the 5 year thing as very possible.  Even then, it will be with me always.  I know the people ahead of me can attest to that.  What was also hard was to give up that there was an end to this.  That was my outsider thinking that is now a thing of the past.

[iPraiseHim]

3 hours ago, Cookie said:

 It's a wonder to me how you can be in tremendous pain at one moment and then transition to peace....

Yes, Cookie, I have been noticing this paradoxical life.  Grief and peace in the same short day.A memory, a song, an activity, almost anything can trigger it or nothing at all. I am slowly learning to roll with the punches of whatever life brings. 

Some one mentioned the nervous anxiety and unsettledness of life after your beloved spouse dies.  I experience this about my personal security and safety.  It has taken awhile to adjust to this new life.  I've taken some steps to protect my home and person. 

I still wake up some nights in a panic/ anxiety state.  I realize I'm afraid of dying alone and who would know or care. These feelings tell me there is more I need to work on myself to adjust to this life now. I know I am not alone.  The mind and heart can do strange things to us.  I place all my fears and anxieties on God for He will care for me.  I am weak but He is strong. This is all part of my grief walk that I need to travel one day at a time.  - Shalom  

[kayc]

11 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I still wake up some nights in a panic/ anxiety state.  I realize I'm afraid of dying alone and who would know or care.

I have never worried about dying alone, but do wonder if I can make it living alone as long as I need to.  Getting older is not for the weak!

My anxiety hits in the middle of the night too and then I don't get back to sleep.  I've tried everything, but it's still something I contend with.

[Cookie]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Cookie, I think in the 2nd year we truly come to know how real this is.  I spent the 1st crying and wanting him back. Now I know that isn't possible and the pain has shifted to a different reality.  The crying is about knowing with absolute clarity I am on my own.  

I like to use  the word 'outsiders' because that is what they truly are.  I don't mean it as a judgement, but we are set apart now from anyone who has not placed on this path.  I spent a night writing to someone who kept advising me with no experience.  It took everything I had to put into words what this kind of loss does to a person.  I even told him the Steve he saw was the one trying to protect his friends from his fears so they would remember him as the fighter he was.  This persons response?  Nothing.  Not a word.  It broke my heart he couldn't acknowledge my or Steves fight with the demon who took him and why I will never be the same as that is what he wants.  If he can't accept I am changed forever, he'll never get the depth of this as he continually tells me of all he and his wife are doing and planning.  And the kicker?  He's worn out from friends and family that are always coming by to visit.  What am I supposed to say to that?  I'm sorry you have such a full life?  Gee, I wish you could have some loneliness to make you feel better?  So sorry so many people care and want to see you?  How awful you are part of so many lives with purpose?  

I can buy the 5 year thing as very possible.  Even then, it will be with me always.  I know the people ahead of me can attest to that.  What was also hard was to give up that there was an end to this.  That was my outsider thinking that is now a thing of the past.

Gwen:  You spoke so well for me again.  I am so sorry that happened to you with your friend and I hate that I know just what you're talking about.  The ones who go on and on about their busy lives, children and husbands....I can tolerate a little because of course I know that life goes on for others, nothing happened to them, but I'm amazed at the lack of perceptiveness about how hurtful it is to be inundated with everyone else's wonderful life and plans.  I know I sound negative...but feel that way when in the presence of people like that.  I need to hang out with more widows and widowers I think; trying to find them is the problem.....is there a widow/widowers web site where you can meet others? 

[MartyT]

11 minutes ago, Cookie said:

I need to hang out with more widows and widowers I think; trying to find them is the problem.....is there a widow/widowers web site where you can meet others?

Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation is an outstanding organization that offers a number of programs that connect surviving spouses with one another, including its Widowed Pen Pals Program. From its website:

The SSLF Widowed Pen Pal program, formerly known as Widow Match, can connect you with a peer with whom you can share the ups and downs of the widowhood journey. You may choose to connect by email, phone, or whatever feels comfortable.

Peer support can be an invaluable resource for widowed people of all ages. You might talk about things other people don't understand, air feelings that are overwhelming, or just discuss what happened during your day. Most of all, you will know that you are not alone. Note: Peer support does not take the place of professional counseling, is not a forum for spiritual guidance, or financial or legal advice.These friendships should not be a burden on either party.

The SSLF Widowed Pen Pal program is the only program like this anywhere, with a track record of outstanding friendships since 2009. The SSLF Widowed Pen Pal program is just one of Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation’s innovative and lifesaving programs for widows and widowers. Our other programs include:

• The Widow’s Voice blog, a diverse and daily dose of hope each day.
• Camp Widow, a twice-a-year weekend of events.
• WidowedVillage.org, with Forums, secure Chat, and other services.  Read more here . . .

[Cookie]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation is an outstanding organization that offers a number of programs that connect surviving spouses with one another, including its Widowed Pen Pals Program. From its website:

The SSLF Widowed Pen Pal program, formerly known as Widow Match, can connect you with a peer with whom you can share the ups and downs of the widowhood journey. You may choose to connect by email, phone, or whatever feels comfortable.

Peer support can be an invaluable resource for widowed people of all ages. You might talk about things other people don't understand, air feelings that are overwhelming, or just discuss what happened during your day. Most of all, you will know that you are not alone. Note: Peer support does not take the place of professional counseling, is not a forum for spiritual guidance, or financial or legal advice.These friendships should not be a burden on either party.

The SSLF Widowed Pen Pal program is the only program like this anywhere, with a track record of outstanding friendships since 2009. The SSLF Widowed Pen Pal program is just one of Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation’s innovative and lifesaving programs for widows and widowers. Our other programs include:

• The Widow’s Voice blog, a diverse and daily dose of hope each day.
• Camp Widow, a twice-a-year weekend of events.
• WidowedVillage.org, with Forums, secure Chat, and other services.  Read more here . . .

Thanks Marty...

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Cookie said:

I'm amazed at the lack of perceptiveness about how hurtful it is to be inundated with everyone else's wonderful life and plans.

Keep Facebook to a minimum around the holidays!  I always hear how wonderful my little sister's life is...she has a husband, he provides company and income for them to travel and have parties and enjoy their lives together.  Mine is very different.  My life is about leaky roofs and a dog I struggle to keep alive and a cat who is on her last life.  I pay for medical insurance I can't afford to use and count my change out as I pay for my groceries.  Our lives are so different.  While they are continually decorating I am trying not to trip on my threadbare carpet.  It is hard to look at the pictures of them in the Bahamas, a place I'll not likely ever see.  I am happy that this is not her existence, I am not consumed with jealousy, and yet neither do I need my face rubbed in it with her bubbly posts.  Yep, keep Facebook to a minimum.  I look for updates on my granddaughter or others I concern myself with and then get off!

[Cookie]

19 hours ago, MartyT said:

Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation is an outstanding organization that offers a number of programs that connect surviving spouses with one another, including its Widowed Pen Pals Program. From its website:

The SSLF Widowed Pen Pal program, formerly known as Widow Match, can connect you with a peer with whom you can share the ups and downs of the widowhood journey. You may choose to connect by email, phone, or whatever feels comfortable.

Peer support can be an invaluable resource for widowed people of all ages. You might talk about things other people don't understand, air feelings that are overwhelming, or just discuss what happened during your day. Most of all, you will know that you are not alone. Note: Peer support does not take the place of professional counseling, is not a forum for spiritual guidance, or financial or legal advice.These friendships should not be a burden on either party.

The SSLF Widowed Pen Pal program is the only program like this anywhere, with a track record of outstanding friendships since 2009. The SSLF Widowed Pen Pal program is just one of Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation’s innovative and lifesaving programs for widows and widowers. Our other programs include:

• The Widow’s Voice blog, a diverse and daily dose of hope each day.
• Camp Widow, a twice-a-year weekend of events.
• WidowedVillage.org, with Forums, secure Chat, and other services.  Read more here . . .

This is a neat site because you can join and maybe go to workshops and meet the actual people....

[Brad]

One of the many treasures Deedo left behind was her "Deedo's Book of Secrets". This book illustrated and written by her captures her uniqueness, her zaniness, her passion better than anything possibly could.  Today I spent the afternoon scanning in all one hundred twelve secrets with the plan of adding pictures of her from throughout her life.  When finished I'll have copies made for the kids.  Saturday will be day 500 since she died.  It has taken me 500 days to get myself to a place where I could handle spending so much time with her memories as seen through her eyes.  For me, today was a victory.

 

 

[kayc]

Brad, how special that you have that, and how special that you are doing that for your kids.  It will be something to treasure always.

[MartyT]

This is priceless, Brad. Just wonderful. Your kids are going to love it.  ♥

[Clematis]

On 11/4/2016 at 7:29 AM, kayc said:

Keep Facebook to a minimum around the holidays!  I always hear how wonderful my little sister's life is...she has a husband, he provides company and income for them to travel and have parties and enjoy their lives together...

I know what you mean, Kay! I have been trudging through the last year struggling in so many ways and I keep hearing this annoying Ping! Ping! Ping! of all this groovy stuff my sister was doing - the one who wasn't speaking to me, and was really annoyed. I stopped following her, but the constant Ping! Ping! Ping! continued. I realized that my cello, Mister Cello, who has his own fb page, was still following her. I made him stop but I still had the constant reminders. I figured it was some karmic justice for who knows what and just gave up. About the time she resumed speaking to me, I realized that my precious pet, Lena Furbena had not gotten the memo. As if that cat was actually paying any attention to her fb anything! Sometimes it's just too much. Usually it is just too much.

[Clematis]

On 11/4/2016 at 7:29 AM, kayc said:

 Mine is very different.  My life is about leaky roofs and a dog I struggle to keep alive and a cat who is on her last life.  I pay for medical insurance I can't afford to use and count my change out as I pay for my groceries.  Our lives are so different.  While they are continually decorating I am trying not to trip on my threadbare carpet...

Kay, if you had one square inch of beauty around you for every bit of love, compassion, and comfort you give constantly to the world around you, you would be surrounded with nothing but beauty because there would be no room for anything else to appear even close to you. It doesn't really work like that, but I hope you have some sense of what a treasure you are to so many. 

[Gwenivere]

I know we all miss what our partners used to say as part of thier signature personalities.   I was thinking that in the last 2 years I have not heard anything new Steve would have come up with in that time passing.  Jokes, anachronisms, silly rhymes or sings.  I see things happening all around me and winder what he would say.  Even in the over 30 years we were together, I kept learning new things about him too.  Many little stories that he would remember because of some trigger.  I miss I'll now not ever know more of his growing up or times before I came along.  I think of things from my growing up I never got to share because I have remembered them since he left.  It just never dawned on me that I never got to know him even better.  I miss the 'did I ever tell you...?'  I'm now seeing that our book of life together will be incomplete.  No matter how long we are with someone, there's always more to discover about them.  Can't ask if they ever did something you remember doing as it comes up.  I miss the person I loved most in the world and all the things I hadn't discovered yet.