Brad Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 Thinking of you today, Marg. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 Me too Marg. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 Same here, Marge. I just went thru it almost 2 weeks ago. The anticipation was worse than the day of. It was no worse than any other day without him. Cried more and longed more. Thinking of you. Gin 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 I am him and he is me, forever 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 4 hours ago, Marg M said: Just another day without him. No different than yesterday. Dear Marg........I guess it IS a "milestone"........that 1 year mark. I will "hit mine" on the 21st of this month........but, as you said, I think it will be just another day without him, missing him, wanting him BACK......wanting this horrible emptiness to be OVER. And, we know this cannot be so......not in this life, at least. All we can do is to try to make our lives bearable, and even find a measure of peace with our loss, maybe a dash of happiness, as well........such a hard, hard.....at times, seemingly Herculean task! Hugs to you.....and wishes for better/brighter tomorrows!!! 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 And that is how I think we survive. Just getting through each long day and even longer night. The anniversary does not signify greater or lesser pain, rather the day our lives were changed forever. My heart is with you, Marg. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 Ya'll, when it comes down to it, it is what it is, and there is nothing we can do about it. You know, we have not heard from Terri or from Kevin in a long time and Debbi will stay a mystery as well as the south African people, two separate ones I think. So glad Brad is back. Bill does not get on as much either. I hope they are all having it easier than we are, but somehow, I don't think that is the way it is. Thanks Marty, I've loved that verse for so long. It actually makes you feel they are in the wind. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 6 hours ago, Marg M said: I have thought about it lots but never mourned like I do Billy. We expect our parents to go before us, we hope we as a couple will go together. I don't know why we hope that but we can't imagine being without each other. You are in my thoughts today, dear Marg. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 12 hours ago, brat#2 said: Marg - Anniversary dates like today can be hard, my heart is with you and am sending you hugs. Joyce I remember the first time Rose Anne and I met, hugged, kissed, dated, etc.. It only makes sense to remember the last day I saw her as well. I think what surprised me the most was having lived a whole year without her presence. I expected that maybe I would get used to it or at least accept it by the first year but that is proving to be the most difficult. This 2nd year is more adjustment, acceptance, and acknowledging grief. On the next death-aversary, I plan to have a special day of memories to celebrate our life together and a shared meal that she loved. The reality and finality of her death is finally sinking in to my hear and soul. I am gradually learning to accept and cope with. It still takes a lot of work, acknowledgement of feelings, and expression to learn and grow through grief. My heart is with all of those here who continue to travel each day on this highway of grief and learning to find your own path through it. - Shalom 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 You are so right, George. People think we get more adjusted to being alone when it is more time we have had to miss that interaction. Definitely more adjustment. I accepted Steve was gone a long time ago. Acceptance does not mean closure as so many outsiders think. It is accepting the foreverness of this in this lifetime. I found the 2nd year crushing with the undeniable reality and finality. I'm looking at starting my 3rd and have no idea what that brings. I wish I could forget the date he died. It's not a date I want to remember. I remember every day. Milestones just enhance the personal loneliness as others have really moved on in their lives. I often hesitate saying anything now to people because 2 years seems more than sufficient to them. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 14 minutes ago, Gwenivere said: because 2 years seems more than sufficient to them. The only time anyone is going to understand is when it happens to them. And it will. That does not make me feel good or superior. It makes me sadder, but it will happen and that is the only time you will get empathy from people. I like to read books about how other women handle this. I love the fact that Martin Short still talks to his wife when he has cocktails in the evening. We have them in our life still because we keep them there. We cannot see them. And, if Billy ever answers me when I am talking to him, I am sure I will be on the other side with him very fast. Until then we suffer, and we still keep on living. I just told my kids that they better let me start saving some of my money or the time will come when I won't care how things are paid, but they will. I also told them that all the things that are bought in my name, the nursing home or assisted living place will take them. I have found, sometimes old people can take care of themselves. I hope I can keep on. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 3 hours ago, Gwenivere said: I often hesitate saying anything now to people because 2 years seems more than sufficient to them. How true this is! I often hesitate to say that I lost Ron 3+ and Debbie 2+ years ago. Unless they have experienced this type of loss, they look at you like "So, big deal. You should be over it by now." I simply say that I have adapted to it. It is as if I have "jury rigged" my heart waiting for it to break again. Other opinions be damned! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 Just saw some friends I haven't seen in awhile. Of course they were concerned with how well I am coping and very compassionate. And then the platitudes started....."At least you're on the right side of the dirt" "Every day is a gift to be treasured" "She's in a better place now" Once more they mean well but are so naive. Sadly one of them will discover the hard way just how naive. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 2 hours ago, Brad said: Once more they mean well but are so naive. Sadly one of them will discover the hard way just how naive Oh Brad.....I so know what you mean! It's not that we wish them ill....we realize that they are just mouthing platitudes, unhelpful as they are, as the very subject of death makes many uncomfortable, and so they fall upon those cliches. I've actually become rather an advocate for informing some that these so-called "helpful" remarks are hurtful, and have the opposite of the intended "effect".......they upset/anger us! For instance, I've a friend who said to me, far TOO many times....."The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away"....I finally said to her, "Hey, NOT helpful! Think on this, if your son were to die this day, would THAT sentiment give you comfort and ease your pain?" Blunt, yes, but I think she "got it"........at least she's not repeated it, yet again, to me! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 2 hours ago, Brad said: "At least you're on the right side of the dirt" "Every day is a gift to be treasured" "She's in a better place now" !. No, I'd rather be with HER! 2. Every day is yet another day without her....I cannot treasure that! 3. HOW is where she is at now better than being here, loved so much by me? And, even IF it is "better" for her....that does not ease my torment at this separation from her! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 I got an email from a woman asking how I was doing in my 'new normal'. Normal isn't even part of my vocabulary. It's nice someone asks, but I'm learning not to say much of anything to avoid the platitudes and having to explain the unexplainable. I've tried too many times to try and make people understand that they can't understand. Even then they still try. I've gotten direct with some to outright say stop trying to fix me me or make me feel better. I can't even say I appreciate them trying anymore because they just don't get it. All it does is frustrate me. Adds to the loneliness. That is what they really don't understand. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 "At least" some of you can talk about your spouses. I cannot. You don't simply talk about them to your friends in their 30s, getting married, giving birth to their sons, without that look of "I don't want to hear about dead people". At my age you are suposed to get over it, accept, and move on to find a new relationship. You cannot say: "I don't want ever to fall in love again". Nobody believes you. "You are stuck in denial/in the past/in your pain" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 A friend's wife (all mine and Billy's age) just passed away. Always laughing and smiling. I'm supposed to know how to react, right? I know empathy, right? All I could say was "I am so sorry and no words can help. Again, I am so sorry. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 Ana, I think I can understand that being in your 30's would pose different reactions to your loss. Being widowed later in life is 'expected' or not as much of a shock to others. You are in that age group when people are starting thier families so they see a lot of time ahead if them and think that about you too. But you face what anyone feels losing thier partner and that they cannot understand. It's too far in the future for them if they even think about it all. We are all reminders at any age of people's fears of death. We now possess knowledge about how easily someone we love can be ripped away. I certainly didn't think about back then. I don't know his I would feel if I were 30 years younger and this happened except feeling really cheated by life. If we that are older are being pressured to 'get over it', I can only imagine the pressure that will be on you. You'll never be able to explain how this has so massively changed your life. That is a very tough challenge. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 4 hours ago, scba said: "At least" some of you can talk about your spouses. I cannot. You don't simply talk about them to your friends in their 30s, getting married, giving birth to their sons, without that look of "I don't want to hear about dead people". At my age you are supposed to get over it, accept, and move on to find a new relationship. You cannot say: "I don't want ever to fall in love again". Nobody believes you. "You are stuck in denial/in the past/in your pain" I met Rose Anne in my early 30's and I would have been devastated. It is hard enough for me and I am only 61 but feel like I'm in my forties until my wife passed. My heart goes out to you. I am not looking for another relationship, yet I don't want to be alone either. My wife already gave me permission to remarry but life is just not that simple. My peers don't understand my plight either. This place is a safe haven where we can share those feelings and concerns. I don't want to close my heart to what God's will is in my life and I need to accept that it is okay to be a widower/single. The challenge I face now is knowing that if I do get in a relationship there is a possibility that one of us will die and leave the other person grieving. I never considered that before when I was dating. It is a somber thought. - Shalom 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 14 hours ago, WolfsKat said: "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away"....I finally said to her, "Hey, NOT helpful! Think on this, if your son were to die this day, would THAT sentiment give you comfort and ease your pain?" OMG, she was way inappropriate! Your response was perfect or getting her attention as to how her remark came off. Ana, George and I met in our mid 40's, and he died the same week he turned 51. I feel cheated, and I was nowhere near as young as you! If he'd have died that young, we never would have gotten to meet! Now, eleven years later, all my friends and family still have their spouses and have no clue how it is to live alone day after day after day. They have no clue what it's like to go through surgery alone, or recover alone. They have no idea what it is like to break your right arm and have to drive your stick shift car to a job interview or to work because pain or not, that's what you have to do...there is no one to help you through life because you are alone! All of the things husbands and wives help each other with, I do not have the luxury of having. If I say something to them, they don't say anything, but I hear their dismissiveness loud and clear...they just don't get it. They complain about their spouses listening to sports too loud or having to cook for them all the time, never getting that I would dearly love to have that problem! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 Kay, I would too. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted October 20, 2016 Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 It's not even a problem, Kay. Steve being loud or appreciating my cooking would bring this house back to life. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 20, 2016 Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 Oh gosh, Gwen, I feel the same way! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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