Reflections and musings

[Margm]

Kay, I think a lot of people go with groups (solo), but I heard the climb was extremely hard.  Read as much as you can on the Havasupai tribe.  It is interesting.  I think they make their money from tourists.  Can you believe a place like this still exists.  It is kinda like watching them discover the last tribe that had not ever been filmed on the Amazon.  They wanted clothes, but this tribe had not had our human germs passed on to them.  Like the Native Americans here.  We probably killed more with our germs than we did with guns.  It was always my dream to come from Native American genes.  Red hair and freckles.  They would probably have made me live away from them.  

[iPraiseHim]

Several year ago, we were attending a business conference in Las Vegas and we decided to drive to see the Grand Canyon afterwards.  I remember driving for hours and wondering just what it would look like.  It happened to be raining that day but the place was still magnificent and gorgeous. It is incredible to see it.  Thanks for helping me recall a beautiful memory. - Shalom

[KarenK]

I have lived in Arizona for 60 years and visited the Grand Canyon many times. Our cabin was only a couple of hours south of there. Have never hiked the canyon, only a short way down the trail, but turned back as Ron was not able with his health. The canyon holds a special place in my heart. On my wall hangs a framed print of Brighty of the Grand Canyon, the original mule associated with the famous mule trip rides to the canyon's bottom. It was given to Ron by the sculptor Peter Jepsen who created the bronze statue of Brighty that sits at the North Rim of the canyon. Ron assisted him in designing the small model that was used as a prototype for the bronze statue.

Kudos to you Brad, for completing the hike.

[Margm]

Brad, I am putting this under your heading because that is exactly what it is.  Reflections and Musings.

So much of grief support is about fixing grief. Getting past it. Our models of grief support fail because of that kind of approach. Problem solving, shifts in perspective, knowing that this too shall pass are great for a lot of things. Grief needs different tools because it is a different animal all together: it needs support, not solutions.  (This is from this weeks Refuge in Grief by Megan).  And yes, I did it again.  For "grief" I had put "guilt."  And my appointment with a psychiatrist will be with a man, he is an expert in forensics and that kind of scares me.  I might be looking for a female shrink if he tries to get me to sign my brain away when I die.  I know mine is unique, not that smart, not that dumb, but a whole lot outside the realm of "normal."  

My mama used to have odd sayings.  We would go into a cloth/material store and she would every time say it smelled like a red wasp in that store.  I never got around to asking her how she knew that, my mama had a unique brain also.  When she said the line between genius and insanity was a thin line, I knew she knew that.  Myself, I see a cartoon of me hanging onto that line, well underneath it.  One thing she used to say before bed is that she felt her body singing. Now Daddy worked the graveyard shift and sometimes I slept with Mama.  I never heard her body singing.  I listened hard. Mama was one of the hardest working women I have ever known.  Daylight till dark and then in the house still more work after dark.  She never stopped except to sleep. Mama was raised a farm girl with plenty of chores.  That was back when they used a mule to pull the plow, they slopped the hogs, fed the chickens and the geese.  Mama had pet geese and they would follow her boots where ever she went.  If she went inside they did their incessant honking.  She finally figured out if she got out of her boots and left them in the yard, the geese were happy.  

This past week has been a hard one.  Not just for missing Billy, but family dynamics brought in family that lived in Hurricane Matthew's path.  I was so happy to have my little apartment, no more room for humans or animals.  It started out bad.  Nerves were on top of my skin, not underneath it.  And, when I got a chance to go to bed something else happened that took another 3-4 hours.  Yesterday, and day before yesterday were filled with family fights.  (And right now, family is what I want to stay away from.)  But I knew what my mama's phenomenon of feeling her body singing was.  I slept till 10:30 this morning.  I might have slept longer, but my bladder was yelling, not singing. Even with my mama's body singing her to sleep she would not have been that lazy.  

I hope everyone of you have a peaceful day filled with rest.  I have some things to do, but they are things that do not require anyone else to be with me.   

[kayc]

Marg, I don't think that's lazy, I think that's trying to catch up on much needed rest!

[kayc]

I'd probably pick the hiking in too, but that's easy to say, it's been a while since I've done a hike like that!

George is from Takelma tribe, I always wanted to go visit his people, but alas we were always busy working.

[Brad]

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

Kay, I think a lot of people go with groups (solo), but I heard the climb was extremely hard.  

There are tour companies that provide group tours and several singles take these. The hike is a challenge; not for sissies. You are either hiking straight up or straight down, there is very little of anything resembling level. I've been hiking A LOT the past year and I am very sore. Good news is you can take either helicopter or horse into the village but that just gets you to the village. Getting to the falls is a different story. Mooney Falls, the tallest, requires a breathtaking but challenging (dangerous) 200 foot descent, part through a tunnel carved in the cliff, the rest down the face of the cliff. Chains and foot holds are carved in the wall and a ladder helps with the last twenty feet. 

[Brad]

“Love is not the whole of a man’s life. I was happy before I ever met H. I’ve plenty of what are called ‘resources’. People get over these things. Come, I shan’t do so badly. One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this ‘commonsense’ vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace.”

Excerpt From: Lewis, C.S. “A Grief Observed.” i

The distance between the brain and the heart for me seems to be light years. I find I can face my grief with a modicum of logic: death is as common as birth; others face grief and manage to move forward.  But then I see, in my minds eye, her laugh, her smile, her childishness, the girl who never grew up, and I'm thrust back to the breaking heart. 

[Margm]

14 minutes ago, Brad said:

Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this ‘commonsense’ vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace.”

Billy visited me last night.  Don't remember why, don't remember anything being said, no reason for it, he was just there.  I woke up and he was not there.  I remember a pang of disappointment and went back to sleep.  This might have been the third time he has visited me this past year.  Never any reason except he is never far from my mind.  

In the CS Lewis book I have of "A Grief Observed," her son gives an introduction.  Finally when the spouse leaves this realm, we think that they are finally together again.  I hope and pray that is the way it works.  It is a short book, I have to go back and read it again.  My concentration and memory vanishes as fast as Billy's appearance and disappearance in my dreamworld.  But then, maybe this is not a dreamworld, that sounds like magic, fairies, mystical things when you wake up and it is the same nightmare.  I don't think things really get "better" but I do think you get to where you realize they are gone and not coming back.  I like the little visitations though.  

 

[KarenK]

I have been sick with this flu? and a cough that won't quit for two weeks now. I can't sleep because I get choked when I lay down. I got choked in the store 2 days ago. They brought me water and hovered until I finished getting groceries. How embarrassing!

I'm so tired I can barely see to type. In the middle of the night I just sat and cried. Being sick doesn't help. I cried because half and more of my heart and soul are missing and I can't get them back. I don't know how. The person who saved me from myself for more than 40 years is gone. There is no one to save me now.

I am crying again and so sad.

[Margm]

Karen, I just don't know what to say.  I know if I was close to you, I would be there.  I know more of your heart is missing.  Is your grandson there?  I can only send you virtual hugs.  My heart is with you.  Maybe a few days in the hospital could get you on your feet.  Clearly you need help.  Please seek help. 

[Brad]

Karen - I am so sorry.  Hugs to you.  It is hard enough being sick without the added burden of grief and so missing the one who would baby us through our illness.

 

[Brad]

Dropped my son and his girlfriend at the airport and jumped on the 202 for the three hour drive home.  After five days of laughter, adventure and companionship, the emptiness of the car and the Passenger Airbag Off sign; a constant reminder of how viciously cancer ravaged her body, was all that much more accentuated.  Then walking into an empty house with so many tales to share and no one to share them with.  Loneliness.  I will once more need to acclimate to being with myself.  I do enjoy my alone time; simply wish I didn't have so much thesse days.  So grateful for the time I had.  So wishing she were here to hear all about the antics and exploits of her children and grandchildren.

[MartyT]

Brad, my dear, I know it's not the same, not by a long shot, but we all would love to hear some of those wonderful stories describing your adventures with your kids and grands.

And Karen, dear one ~ please listen to Marg and get yourself to your physician ASAP for a check-up. This sounds like more than the flu, and it could develop into pneumonia. We are worried about you, and we need to know that you are taking care of you.  ♥

[Gwenivere]

39 minutes ago, Brad said:

 Then walking into an empty house with so many tales to share and no one to share them with.  Loneliness.  I will once more need to acclimate to being with myself.  I do enjoy my alone time; simply wish I didn't have so much thesse days.  So grateful for the time I had.  So wishing she were here to hear all about the antics and exploits of her children and grandchildren.

I know this is the hardest part of it for me.  I don't do close to what you do, Brad, or have any family to spend time with, but day to day things I see and experience I have no one to share them with anymore but brief mention maybe to a neighbor.   It's not the same.  I see, hear and read all kinds of things we would be discussing.  Some ongoing like the presidential campaign and it's so hard to live in this silence with only my thoughts.  I miss his experiences and view of life too.  I get out for various things, but ive never spent so much time alone and it is almost torture sometimes.  We have a very nice home, everything we wanted by remodeling thru the years and it's appearance is nice.  It's feel is like a very nice prison to me tho.  A very large solitary confinement.  I wondered how people kept themselves sane in such circumstances and am finding that a trial in my larger 'cell'.  The TV just screams at me about life going on now.  It was rarely on before but I hate the silence.  It's a Catch 22.  When Steve travelled it was kinda fun, just me and the dogs for girls nights.  But I always knew he would be back.  Everything is so hard to adapt to.  Meals are really tough.  I eat to survive now, there is no ceremony in it.  I make the easiest and probably not healthful things because it is just fuel now.  Something I have to do that I used to look forward to.  I've discovered the true meaning of loneliness and that was never a goal of mine.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

I'm so tired I can barely see to type. In the middle of the night I just sat and cried. Being sick doesn't help. I cried because half and more of my heart and soul are missing and I can't get them back. I don't know how. The person who saved me from myself for more than 40 years is gone. There is no one to save me now.

Just getting sick with anything is tough alone.  I've been to the ER in the past 2 years more than I can count.  Being physically compromised just adds to the loneliness and grief.

Karen, 2 weeks us a very long time to be as sick as you describe.  I hope you can get youself to a doctor because it does sound like it could be very serious.  I don't know if you have anyone that can help you.  I never have and it's hard.  I've long given up on not being emotional when I have sought help.  In fact I always tell them I am a widow and this is hard for me to do.  Some shrug it off, others have been very kind.  The goal is to get the help we need.  Maybe an ugent card clinic because an ER is hours of commitment.  Only you can decide.  But 2 weeks is not good.

[KATPILOT]

Karen I just sent you a message. I am as you know quite close to you and there is an urgent care near McDowell and Miller. I can take you and wait to take you back. It's not yet 3  so we could go today or in the morning. They open at 8:30 I think.

[Brad]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Brad, my dear, I know it's not the same, not by a long shot, but we all would love to hear some of those wonderful stories describing your adventures with your kids and grands.

 

 

Thanks so much Marty but I'd need to condense it down to the joy I found in watching a thirteen year-old boy discover the thrill of wading up a cascading stream and the adrenaline rush from his first time jumping off a cliff into a churning pool.  It was rejuvenating seeing the canyon and falls through his eyes.  For that matter it was exciting seeing the canyon through the eyes of my daughter and her husband and the rest of the party as they were virgins to Havasupai as well.

[KATPILOT]

Simply beautiful Brad. I have lived here all my life and never been down into the canyon.  Isn't it awesome when you watch another generation seeing things that you know and experienced yourself before?  I think that's the best part of growing old. Seeing it new through younger eyes. Perhaps our thoughts on the after life may differ but I just can't imagine Deedo doesn't look in once and again.

[MartyT]

Oh Brad! I so understand! Seeing Grand Canyon in person is just beyond awesome. The immensity. The deafening silence. The indescribable beauty. It's like walking into the world's largest cathedral ~ except that this is accompanied by the knowledge that this is God's creation, not man's. It is all simply beyond description, and I am so very grateful that I've been able to see it in person. Like Steve, I've never been down into the canyon, but I've certainly been to its edge on many occasions, and it's something that everyone really needs to experience. A photograph just does not do it justice . . .

[Gin]

Karen,. I hope you go to a clinic or some doc. soon.  Two weeks is too long.  Praying for you.

Gin

[Brad]

On 10/9/2016 at 11:32 AM, KarenK said:

On my wall hangs a framed print of Brighty of the Grand Canyon, the original mule associated with the famous mule trip rides to the canyon's bottom. It was given to Ron by the sculptor Peter Jepsen who created the bronze statue of Brighty that sits at the North Rim of the canyon. 

Brighty is a favorite of mine and my kids. If I'm going to the National Park I far prefer the North Rim, far less congested and, in my opinion, much more spectacular views. Deedo and I spent many afternoons sitting on the patio, sipping cocktails, watching the colors of the canyon change. Occasionally there would be thunder storms along the South Rim and then the view and the sounds would become beyond belief.  When possible we would book cabin 360. It is right on the lip of the Rim closest to the lodge. 

Karen, I really hope you are feeling better and if not, please take Steve up on his offer. 

[Cookie]

8 hours ago, Brad said:

Brighty is a favorite of mine and my kids. If I'm going to the National Park I far prefer the North Rim, far less congested and, in my opinion, much more spectacular views. Deedo and I spent many afternoons sitting on the patio, sipping cocktails, watching the colors of the canyon change. Occasionally there would be thunder storms along the South Rim and then the view and the sounds would become beyond belief.  When possible we would book cabin 360. It is right on the lip of the Rim closest to the lodge. 

Karen, I really hope you are feeling better and if not, please take Steve up on his offer. 

Brad:  One of my fondest memories is going to the North Rim with John back about 10 years ago and staying in a cabin close to the lodge.  Hardly any people there at all.  It was magical and beautiful.  We had said we were going to go back and hike down in the canyon but sadly never got the chance. 

[Cookie]

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I know this is the hardest part of it for me.  I don't do close to what you do, Brad, or have any family to spend time with, but day to day things I see and experience I have no one to share them with anymore but brief mention maybe to a neighbor.   It's not the same.  I see, hear and read all kinds of things we would be discussing.  Some ongoing like the presidential campaign and it's so hard to live in this silence with only my thoughts.  I miss his experiences and view of life too.  I get out for various things, but ive never spent so much time alone and it is almost torture sometimes.  We have a very nice home, everything we wanted by remodeling thru the years and it's appearance is nice.  It's feel is like a very nice prison to me tho.  A very large solitary confinement.  I wondered how people kept themselves sane in such circumstances and am finding that a trial in my larger 'cell'.  The TV just screams at me about life going on now.  It was rarely on before but I hate the silence.  It's a Catch 22.  When Steve travelled it was kinda fun, just me and the dogs for girls nights.  But I always knew he would be back.  Everything is so hard to adapt to.  Meals are really tough.  I eat to survive now, there is no ceremony in it.  I make the easiest and probably not healthful things because it is just fuel now.  Something I have to do that I used to look forward to.  I've discovered the true meaning of loneliness and that was never a goal of mine.

Gwen:  I know of what you speak.  It is so totally lonely, and it's true, you may have people you can talk to but it's not the same as that person you knew so well and knew you so well.  That kind of lonely is brutal.  I'm constantly trying to fill it.  I think if I just do this or go there or spend time with these people it will get better.  But, at 15 months it's still so deep and hurtful. 

[Cookie]

23 hours ago, KarenK said:

I have been sick with this flu? and a cough that won't quit for two weeks now. I can't sleep because I get choked when I lay down. I got choked in the store 2 days ago. They brought me water and hovered until I finished getting groceries. How embarrassing!

I'm so tired I can barely see to type. In the middle of the night I just sat and cried. Being sick doesn't help. I cried because half and more of my heart and soul are missing and I can't get them back. I don't know how. The person who saved me from myself for more than 40 years is gone. There is no one to save me now.

I am crying again and so sad.

Karen:  I'm there in spirit.  Please know people care about you.  Do go to a doctor.....fondly, Cookie