Reflections and musings

[KarenK]

Thank you all for your love and concern. I did go to the doctor today and I have Bronchitis, not a surprise. He gave me 3 prescriptions. I could only afford the one for the Zpac antibiotic. I was choked up enough before the price of $51 each for the other two was revealed. Who pays $51 for a bottle of cough syrup or an inhaler? Not me. Neither of those are covered by my Humana Wal Mart prescription plan. This must be a conspiracy by big pharma and insurance to phase out the common person.  LOL

Anyway, I have a somewhat expired inhaler and will survive without the cough syrup and hope to feel better soon with the antibiotic.

Now, if I could just fix my broken soul and heart...................

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Karen. I am so sorry ~ but so relieved to learn that you did go to the doctor today. I wish with all my heart that life would be easier for you . . .  ♥

[Margm]

Karen, maybe I am wrong but I think you can get the good cough syrup in generic.  I just wonder if doctors, insurance companies and pharmaceuticals are in this together.  I get three prescriptions a month and they do not come to $6.  My mother's doctor knew my sister did not have insurance and he gave her samples of the medicines she has to have to  be able to breathe.  Sometimes if you let doctors know you are on a fixed income and let them know you cannot afford the medicines they will give samples.  We had a clinic at one hospital I worked for that was simply for free samples.  

[Margm]

Also, the cough syrup is really just OTC kind of cough syrup.  If you have a codeine tablet/capsule, you can take a dose of OTC cough syrup with the codeine pill/capsule.  I cannot take any of that stuff because of my "innards."  

[Gin]

Karen,

glad that you got some antibiotics.  Hope you feel better, soon.

Gin

[kayc]

Karen, I am so sorry you are still sick.  You have been through a long hard road and I feel your tiredness.  I pray for you, sweet Karen, I pray you see just a glimmer of hope, sometimes I think that's all we need to hold on, but it's so hard when we can't see anything to look forward to.  (((hugs)))

Can you get some OTC cough syrup?  Or ask the doctor to prescribe something cheaper?  Sometimes they don't have a clue what Rxs cost when they prescribe them but are more than willing to write a Rx for something else.

[Gwenivere]

The antibiotics are the healer.  The others are symptom relief.  I agree with the consensus.  Orbit using or something similar works well and only costs about 5 bucks.  Glad you got the antibiotics, Karen.  Last thing you needed was it turning into pneumonia.

[MartyT]

Yes, Karen, we're all concerned about you and want you to get well. There are programs to assist in the cost of medications, and you can search for them online. See, for example, Patient Assistance Programs for Prescription Drugs  ♥

[Brad]

It is not news that I enjoy hiking; I always have.  My earliest memories are of a Forest Ranger's cabin in Farmington Flats, a part of the Wasatch Range in Utah.  I remember being two or three hiking with my dad through aspen groves and along a road.  Since Deedo's death hiking has become an obsession; I hike in all weather.  For me it is solace and a time to ponder who I am and where I am headed.  Idle time at home is spent on dwelling in the past; hiking gives me respite, as do my travels.  I find it intriguing that while I hike I can focus on the challenges ahead of me with a clearer, more rational head, but once home the heart takes control.  How I am coming to cherish and despise the heart, frequently at the same time.  Tears on the trail are cathartic; tears in the living room leave me morose and feeling weaker.  

The aspen are golden; a brilliant contrast against the deep green of the ponderosa and the vibrant blue of the sky.  Deedo's favorite time of year.  Her birthday is in a week, our daughter is hosting tea with some of Deedo's friends; a longstanding ritual being carried on.  Deedo really was convinced she should have been invited to all of the Royal weddings. And of course I am celebrating Deedo with another round of WWDD.  The kids are fully onboard now and look forward to finding new and creative ways to pay-it-forward.

[KATPILOT]

Being Canadian my wife always loved the royal family events. I guess it's a thing up there and tea.  When  Prince William and Kate got married I knew that Kathy would not have missed watching it. I remember leaving the tv on that day when I went to work just in case. I think though she just might have been there in person. They can do that you know?

[Brad]

Of course they can and I'm sure Kathy had front row seats.  

[Brad]

I just completed my early ballot.  I missed Deedo so much; so many surprises for local offices that I wanted to share with her and get her take on.  Sadly it is a comment on my lack of political acumen that there were any surprises but there were.  One former boss running for County Superintendent of Schools, three ex-colleagues running for local school board, all four came as a surprise.  I just wanted to sit down with her, a cup of coffee and chat.  Once more a sneaky trigger.

[Brad]

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” 
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

I need constant reminding that I will get there someday; it is not a race but a process.  Marty recently posted a link on another thread related to allowing yourself to feel your emotions.  Once again the brain/heart dichotomy turns chaotic.  I know I need to embrace the pain, accept the loss, yield to the emptiness: but the heart defies and rejects.  But then as always; I am interested more in rushing through the process rather than allowing myself time.  I suppose it's time to take another stroll and try to figure this one out.

[Cookie]

Brad:  I find that I think I'm managing this better and then a trigger blind-sides me and I feel hurt, completely lost and confused again.  This on and off thing is very hard to deal with.  I do that a lot in my head, think about embracing the pain but wonder if I have ever done that yet.  I do feel the hurt, but it seems like I resist it quite a lot.  I do a lot of hiking and physical things when I start hurting.  Of course, everyone says, Oh that is a really good way to deal with it, but I wonder......today I felt such a strong missing of him; I kept saying to myself, "you were here; you were loved by me; I was loved by you; it was real wasn't it....

[Brad]

16 minutes ago, Cookie said:

I kept saying to myself, "you were here; you were loved by me; I was loved by you; it was real wasn't it....

Cookie - I know exactly what you mean.  I still find myself thinking that I have to be trapped in someone else's life.  This kind of thing never happened to us.  We faced challenges and always sailed through with minimal damage.  I was on life support twice and came out of it.  She had two stents and pulled through like a champion.  I also am not sure how to embrace the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness, the myriad emotions that are my day and my night.  But Cookie I do know: It was very real.

[Gin]

Al had so many bad things and pulled through.  Quintuple bypass, pacemaker/defibrillator, artificial plastic arteries feeding blood to his legs, blindness, etc.. I was sure he would rally from his latest.  It is still so hard to realize he is not coming back.

[KarenK]

I have been on a sporadic search for a church where I felt at  home. This is a challenge to me because I guess I am not religious in the traditional sense. I have a lot of trouble with faith, as you do Marg. It is hard for me to reconcile the fact that half of my family has been lost to me in such a short time. I suppose I am searching for a way to contribute to humanity and find some meaning in my life. This morning, I may have found just such a place. It is a Church of Christ. The church is not huge, nor the membership large. It is simply a warm, welcoming non-traditional atmosphere with many members in my age bracket. I was pleasantly surprised to find that an old friend of 40+ years attends there with her husband. We worked together those many years ago. She lives nearby and our sons went to school and played ball together, although we did not socialize outside of work. She has known tragedy in her life as her oldest son committed suicide many years ago. There was a coffee and snack fellowship after the service and I met some nice folks.

Time will tell, but this may be the place I have been searching for.

 

[Margm]

39 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Time will tell, but this may be the place I have been searching for.

It could be Karen.  It sounds like they were welcoming, like a church should be.  I am still leaning toward learning the Catholic faith but I have some misgivings due to my long Baptist upbringing.  I admit that the symbolism in the Catholic faith means a lot to me. I have things I question.  I worked and retired from one Catholic Hospital.  When I was near death there was a nun who would come in and pray holding my hands each day and I kept my eyes on the small metal cross on the wall.  I was in and out of consciousness and I kept that cross in my view.  When I was coming out of it, each night and day I would pray to Jesus watching the cross.  

Alfred North Whitehead said "Symbolism is no mere idle fancy or corrupt degeneration; it is inherent in the very texture of human life."  When I visited the chapel at the state hospital and they had taken all religious symbols out of the chapel it bothered me very much.  I cannot tell you how bad it bothered me except it was the beginning of my questioning my faith.  I realize there are other religions, but I only had one.  I was not in a good state of mind anyhow, and I cannot say it has improved that much since then.  It is just my journey.  

Again, Karen I think you might have found the fellowship you needed.  I hope so.  We all have to find our own path and it is hard doing something alone when we have forever had someone with us.  I am proud of you and think you are very brave.  

[WolfsKat]

I wish I could "want" to find a church that would mean something to me.....if that makes sense at all.  I have a faith, but have not belonged/went to an actual church for decades now.  The last one I attended regularly, seemed to always want more & more "offerings".......if I'd contributed to every single thing, I'd have went broke....I recall there being at least 6 to 8 collection envelopes for each Sunday service!  I know churches need funds to keep going, but I took issue with getting "reminders" that I was not donating to all the things.....the envelopes provided had one's name imprinted upon them, so they could keep track.  But......I can see how finding a good church "family" could be a comfort & blessing to some.....I hope this will prove to be the case for you, Karen!!!

[iPraiseHim]

On 10/16/2016 at 3:53 PM, Brad said:

I also am not sure how to embrace the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness, the myriad emotions that are my day and my night. 

Brad, I also find it hard. I prefer to avoid pain rather than embrace it.   I acknowledge it to myself and ask, " What am I supposed to learn about myself in this grief?"  I don't get answers right away, but my acknowledging them, writing them down, journal-ling to my wife, sharing here and praying all help me travel this grief journey. 

There are times when I need to refocus on the basics of just taking care of myself. Get enough sleep, eat healthy, move, exercise, drink more water, remember what I am grateful for. There are times when I just feel bad and that is okay.  I pray and hope that tomorrow there will be new mercy and grace to make it through the day.  I sometimes call a friend and ask them to bring a ladder or a shovel metaphorically speaking.

The loneliness is the toughest one for me still.  Yet, I know that although I am lonely that I am not alone.  There are many great people here who care, listen, and share.  I hope these suggestions will help you on your path as well.  - Shalom, George  

[Gin]

Karen,. I sure hope you have found your new church home.  I an disillusioned with the church I have attended for 40 years.  It was a thriving church and then the community changed.  The attendance dropped to around 30 people.  Most of the people we knew either moved or died.  By the time Al died, there were only a few who even acknowledged it.  We were greeters, held communion glasses, worked at the homeless shelter, etc.. I really felt bad about that.  I will figure it out, but not yet.  I am doing a good Bible study on my own.  I know it is not the same, but for now it will have to do.  Maybe I will find a new church home like you, Karen.

[kayc]

Karen, I hope with you that this is the one!

Marg, I think you should go where it feels meaningful to you, your parents chose their church, you're old enough to choose yours now!

Wolfskat, I'm glad ours isn't like that, they don't even have to bring up giving, those who can, do of their own accord.  It's nice to be in a warm caring place.

Gin, I'm sorry they didn't surround you with love when Al died, that's what it should be like.   No doubt it's dwindling had something to do with it...or the other way around.

[Margm]

37 minutes ago, kayc said:

you're old enough to choose yours now!

Kay, this "second childhood" is more painful than the first but I guarantee you it is just about as crazy.  

[Margm]

“Press on. Obstacles are seldom the same size tomorrow as they are today.” ~ Robert Schuller

I slept past his 7:30 a.m. death.  Instead I did something weird, I dreamed, got up to go to the bathroom, lay back down and the dream took up where it left off.  My dad passed in April of 1984.  I have thought about it lots but never mourned like I do Billy.  I was fighting cancer myself and my mind was not "just right."  Scott and Billy carried me through the funeral, one on each arm.  I lost a shoe in the mud at the cemetery.  I remember things as they could not have been.  I remember this morning in my dream asking my mama how long she knew Daddy was going to die, because in my dream he just fell dead.  She never would answer me.  

I don't remember dreams hardly ever.  Yet this one kept waking me up and then I would dream it again, right where I left off.  But it was my dad, not Billy.  Billy and I both lived 10 years longer than my dad did.  My dad was 65.  I mourned him in my dream and my mom and I made plans on where we were going to live.  It had to be somewhere different, but my mom was never a moving type person.  She was a homesteader through and through.  Billy was not in my dream.  And like I said, I have dream amnesia always.  Not today.  365 days today.  Just another day without him.  No different than yesterday.  

[brat#2]

Marg - Anniversary dates like today can be hard, my heart is with you and am sending you hugs.

Joyce