It Can Happen Anytime

[Gwenivere]

I was watching a movie and grief just hit.  No obvious trigger.  I thought the evening was going about the best it could.  I walked into the kitchen and the too often feeling hit me....this is all wrong.  I saw our table and his chair that is always empty.  Walking down the hall and seeing into our bedroom knowing I would be alone again to sleep and wake up.  Tomorrow he won't be here at all at any time.  

It's all just so wrong.  Punched in the gut again with reality.   Just makes me want to scream this cannot be!

[Mom's angel]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

It's all just so wrong.  Punched in the gut again with reality.   Just makes me want to scream this cannot be!

This breaks my heart, I feel the same about my lovely mother's death.

Last night my grief was triggered too without any obvious reason and I was thinking about her last minutes in her human form.. The time just before she died, I was madly crying about it. 

I was searching about some topics related and came across this image

[Gin]

Gwen,. I often get those punched in the gut feelings and don't know where they come from.  Yesterday I came home from the store and as the garage door was coming down I burst into tears.  Maybe because all of his tools and stuff still in the garage?    Maybe knowing he will never be waiting for me anymore?  Maybe knowing this is the way it will always be.  I guess we can not avoid them.

gin

[WolfsKat]

Griefbursts......I've learned to accept them.  Sometimes no obvious trigger.......just that hard punch in the soul of instant agony......I hope they lessen, in time,.......they are very difficult to deal with!

[Margm]

Gin, this house we lived in is an old beautiful over 2000 sq foot home.  It was built in 1965.  Some little something always going wrong. Two acres of grass.  He tried to keep it mowed 2-3-4 times during the spring and summer.  Billy had an arsenal of tools.  He would not use them until the dam burst.  Our water pipe under the sink burst one night and I walked into the den barefoot with water up over my feet.  The den, kitchen, washroom, living room were flooded.  I put a sign up on the refrigerator door for him to remember to replace the other pipe under the sink.  That was about four years ago, still not replaced. Also, new floors, but for the part we paid of the insurance, we were to put down corner rounds.  Still not put down.  Billy was not a Mr. Fix-It.  I am  not a spotless housekeeper.  We both hate houses.  We were meant for RV's.  Now, I am meant for an apartment where they hire some one to "fix it" and all that stuff is included in the rent.  I, of course, am too old to buy a new house and too smart to buy into things needing repairs.  Just my way of doing things.  Some people cannot leave their home. I understand them.  My mom is one that could not leave her home.  Me, I am like the man without a country.  I have no feelings about this house except to get out fast before the garage door opener breaks, the washing machine or any other appliance breaks, the roof needs a new one, or anything else pertaining to a house needing something.  We are all different, yet all the same.

[brat#2]

Gwen, I've had those grief outbursts a lot over the last few days and really don't know why.  Like you said, no real trigger, at least nothing out of the ordinary, but all of a sudden I'll be in tears.  I thought I had been doing pretty good, not crying all the time, but the last couple of days that's all I've done again.  I guess it is really starting to sink in that this is my life now, without my Dale and that he will never be coming home to me.  You are right, it's just so wrong!

Joyce

[Margm]

Brat, Gin, the most maddening feeling, the most heart wrenching feeling, the most unreal feeling is that he is not in this house.  He had one spot on the couch, all his hobbies on the side.  Last night I saw him, though not in the spirit or ghost sense, but in the sense that I remember his last days sitting there, covered with his blanket, not with the pain yet.  Just not feeling good at all.  If he showed a grimace, I put a Dilaudid in his mouth.  He never refused.  He slept awhile, but was in better spirits from the Dilaudid.  He smoked weed after he started chemo, with our son.  It made him peaceful.  Probably reminded him of the cigarettes he gave up probably 35-40 years ago.  Finding the aneurysm in the back of his brain was a total shock.  Finding he had terminal cancer in so many places there was no cure, that was when I knew I was going to have a miracle.  I never accepted he was going to die.  Certainly not five weeks after diagnosis.  No one really knew where the primary was.  Why didn't we know this?  In August he was walking on the elliptical for 30 minutes at a time.  The last grocery list made in August also was for healthy foods, always healthy foods.  He had had back trouble since a slipped disk was found in his early 40s.  He did not linger long.  I would not talk death and dying to him.  I did not believe this until I saw his death mask at 7:30 a.m. on October 17th, 2015.  The nurse had looked in at 7:00 a.m.  I am so glad he did not suffer, but my gladness is tempered with "why, how, what happened?"  He has gone.  He has left me.  I would have been much happier if he had found some other woman and she had made him healthy and he was still living.  I blame myself all the time.  I just wanted him to be happy.  I want him to be alive.  Even if he is not living with me, I want him to live into his 90s.  I just want to see him and touch those beautiful hands and rub his beard and high cheekbones.  And, with that, I will go pack some more of his stuff away.  He is not returning.   

[brat#2]

Marg, exactly, that's all I need to say.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[hollowheart]

It his me every time I see a movie trailer, hear about Game of Thrones (her favorite show), see the titles of her favorite shows, all the things that we got excited about together. No more telling her "We gotta see this movie!"  Things like that keep me in a depressed fog. When I look at my car parked and don't even want to drive that's when I want to scream this cannot be! That was not how it was supposed to be. I feel so robbed.

[KATPILOT]

When we speak of griefbursts as Wolfskat so perfectly labeled it, I think the cause is simply our vulnerability.  We are fragile and so it doesn't take much.  I have been reacting emotionally to things that would never have effected me before. I think this new me or better put "me after Kathy" is forever changed to live like that. I see things differently and can be touched by tender parts of a movie or I can laugh about things that truly aren't that funny. Just today I read a story about a flight attendant who walked off the job by opening a door and deploying the slide. I was telling everyone at work while laughing and they just looked at me like "Why's that funny?". Perhaps some of you can relate. I just react differently.

Marge my house was built in 65 and even though we spent years remodeling, most of the pipes are original. I just found my kitchen floor wood buckling and a plumber discovered the drain pipe inside the wall behind the counter cabinets is leaking at the foundation line. (I hope)    In the past, I would have been freaking and quite upset. I just started laughing. It just seems funny to me even though I know it's gonna cost a bundle and the cabinets, sink, dishwasher, everything has to be pulled. I'm just not the same man I was before. Maybe better, maybe not, but certainly not the same. I've seen Zootopia three times now with my grandkids and it just gets better every time. I learned to keep Kleenex in my pocket for there is one little part that brings a tear to my eye and that never would have happened before.  This has been going on for so long now, I have just accepted it.

2 hours ago, hollowheart said:

It his me every time I see a movie trailer, hear about Game of Thrones (her favorite show), see the titles of her favorite shows, all the things that we got excited about together. No more telling her "We gotta see this movie!"  Things like that keep me in a depressed fog. When I look at my car parked and don't even want to drive that's when I want to scream this cannot be! That was not how it was supposed to be. I feel so robbed.

You were robbed hollowheart. Things just don't make sense and never an answer.

[kayc]

About the griefbursts...if it's of any consolation, yes they do get lesser in occurrence.  I hope it helps you to know that.  It takes a long time for our minds to fully comprehend all these changes, but once it does, it hits less often.  They can and do still hit though, just with less frequency.

[scba]

16 hours ago, hollowheart said:

It his me every time I see a movie trailer, hear about Game of Thrones (her favorite show), see the titles of her favorite shows, all the things that we got excited about together. No more telling her "We gotta see this movie!"  Things like that keep me in a depressed fog. When I look at my car parked and don't even want to drive that's when I want to scream this cannot be! That was not how it was supposed to be. I feel so robbed.

I started to watch GoT because it was suggested me as a show that had nothing to do with my situation, that I could watch it without feeling a trigger of "oh that's me!".

[Gwenivere]

It didn't register with me last night when a rerun of House was on about a woman who died and her husband had to decide about her organs right away.  I was kinda just staring at the TV in my usual fog and went damn!  This is not healthy for me to watch.  Sometimes it feels like some cruel force takes over the airwaves and makes whatever channel I tune in something about death that up is too close to me.  It's almost.....spooky!  

[Polly]

I can not watch Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune anymore. Rich always watched those 2 shows every night. He always had us laughing with some of his answers.

[mittam99]

The list of shows I can't watch (and enjoy) anymore would probably take up most sections of the TV Guide.

Just another one of those painful reminders that our loved one is not here to share with us.

[KATPILOT]

 I haven't watched Dancing with the Stars  in five years. It hurts way too much to watch a show that I enjoyed just because she did. Now that I mention it, I think watching her enjoying something actually made me happy and I can't do that anymore.  I'm pretty sure had I been the one to go she wouldn't enjoy watching Star Trek either. We never did watch different things in different rooms. Kind of an all for one and one for all sort of thing.

[iPraiseHim]

My wife loved watching " Dancing with the Stars", too!  And I would watch it with her because she loved it so much and I just loved being with her.  I haven't watched an episode since. 

I was watching a movie recently that had one of the dance instructors on the show, I said, "Honey look!  It's the dancer you like!"  ... Then I remembered my wife was not there to see it with me and I cried. I didn't even finish the movie.  Maybe someday, I will be able to. 

I was that way with the Smooth Jazz music.  I could bare to listen to it for the firs six months.  Then one day I got the nudge to listen.  It brought back the good, positive, and uplifting feelings that before had caused such pain.  There are still a few songs that tear at my heart but it mostly calms me to listen to Smooth Jazz music now.  Shalom - George

[KATPILOT]

I did record the end of DWS last year because in case Steve Irwin's daughter won, I wanted to see it. That was because she and her mom were grieving a loss that drew me to it, I watched it later and it was sweet, bitter sweet.

Funny thing about music though. If it was her music, then I wanted, no I needed to listen to it. Because it was hers and it made me feel more connected somehow if that makes any sense.

[Mom's angel]

I haven't watched TV since her death but I do listen to music.

 

[myeverything]

I was playing rummy with my Daughter and Son.  I just broke down.  My husband and I didn't even play cards.  It's been 4 months and and 5 days since he went to be with the Lord and leaving me.  I still feel like i'm lost and scared.  I miss him every moment of every day.

[WolfsKat]

I CANNOT listen to music as yet.....music was special to Connor and I.....before we finally got to be together, physically (he  moved from TX to FL to be w/me) we always "traded songs" that expressed how we felt about one another......pretty much on a daily basis.  Many of those songs we had played at our wedding celebration.......and the last time was at his memorial service.........now, I avoid music whenever I can.......it cuts too deep.......instant pain/tears.  And I feel as if I've lost a intrinsic part of myself.....I've loved music since I was a child,  and it was important to him, as well.........it was a big part of "me", my psyche.......and now, it holds for me only pain....I shared so much of myself with Connor, musically........If this makes any sense to anyone else.

[KATPILOT]

Make a lot of sense.

One day I hope you can WolfsKat  because music was so important to you and needs to be again.  Could it be that you have to go through the pain to get there? I think it's true. In the early months of my grief's journey, I found the music, her music to be specific. it was on her Ipod in a drawer. It hurt like I can't tell ya but it was hers you see?  I wrote a blog about that and let me just say that through the anguish and through the tears, She Sang to Me.

Edited April 8, 2016 by MartyT
Link inserted

[brat#2]

 

Wolfskat, it make perfect sense to me because I can't listen to music yet either.  Music for me was always a part of my life, both my dad and I played the organ, I sang in school and church choirs, sang all the time and now it just brings me so much pain.  Music was a big part of life for Dale and me, a lot of times we would listen to music in the evenings instead of watching TV, he use to love to hear me sing.  I'm hoping that some day I will be able to listen to "our" music and it will bring me joy and bring back the wonderful memories.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

I mentioned this one time before but it's appropriate for this topic as well. A while back I was playing music while I was working out and lifting some heavy weights. Music can be a good motivator in that situation. Unfortunately, the Kelly Clarkson song "My Life Would Suck Without You" came on and I lost it. So there I was, barbell in hand, sobbing and yelling out "my life does suck without you Tammy".  Music can definitely stir the emotions... good and bad.

[Gwenivere]

I avoid music like the plague right now.  I only use on my alarm because I hate beeping.  It gets me up faster because I have to turn it off.  I have so many songs I love on a CD Steve made me.  His also being a professional musician with gigs and practices is too much to take listening to his recordings.  Like you, Wolfskat, I cannot go there, even my own favorites becayse they contain memories I am not ready for of much happier times.   I really miss music.  Using the TV for noise gets old fast.  I do hear music in stores and the 80's seems to be very popular...the very place that music so influenced me.  I've downloaded some current music and it has no ties to memories.  But still is hard to listen to.  Wish he could hear them.