Hope in this new life

[mittam99]

I read the whole quote this way...

When our loved ones were alive, we lived and loved in the moment and even though we felt deep love, it wasn't until they died that we truly came to grips with just how staggeringly sacred and profound our life together was. Because of this overwhelming sense of loss and lost love, it's easy (and understandable) to dwell only on our past happiness.

However, we need to realize that the amazing life we had is something few have ever experienced. And it can never be taken away from us. Looking at this new life as empty is certainly understandable, yet, if emptiness becomes our mantra we're not respecting the life we shared with our soul mate and their precious memory.

[Patty65]

I guess I think there is a third option as well -- I think some of us did recognize its sacredness while it was with us, we just didn't know it was going to end so soon. I remember being in Italy for school in my early 20s, and walking down the street so often, taking it all in, taking photos with my mind, and just making a mental note to always remember how special this time was, and how grateful I was for it.  I did the same with my time with Ron.  I spent so long alone with my daughter, so much time healing from other past things, being so unhappy, that when Ron and I were together, I did the same thing that I did in Italy.  I made an effort to look around and be grateful. To see myself and Ron sitting on the tailgate watching a sunset and throwing for our dog, and realize how lucky I finally was.  And other moments.  It didn't scare me.  Because of my issues, I know I would blame myself about that last line.  I would make myself bad after a while for feeling empty "for too long" (I'm already going there).   But that's just my stuff.

Thanks for posting that Mitch -- that was really important for me to explore.  Sorry I got a little hung up on it.

[Patty65]

5 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I read the whole quote this way...

When our loved ones were alive, we lived and loved in the moment and even though we felt deep love, it wasn't until they died that we truly came to grips with just how staggeringly sacred and profound our life together was. Because of this overwhelming sense of loss and lost love, it's easy (and understandable) to dwell only on our past happiness.

However, we need to realize that the amazing life we had is something few have ever experienced. And it can never be taken away from us. Looking at this new life as empty is certainly understandable, yet, if emptiness becomes our mantra we're not respecting the life we shared with our soul mate and their precious memory.

Thanks, Mitch, yes, that is true.  As grateful and as much as I did consciously feel how sacred our life together was, it is true that how profound that was is felt deeper in its absence and loss. 

[enna]

Those of us who have been here for awhile know...one thing I absolutely love about those of us here is that we are so in tune to one another's journey. The waves and the roller coaster rides keep coming and we are strengthened by the support we get here. 

[mittam99]

Another quote to ponder...

[brat#2]

Mitch - that is beautiful and so true but very hard to achieve.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

No doubt it's hard, Joyce. Painfully hard,

I certainly have a long way to go. But, I think I'm making slow progress. This isn't a race, it's a lifelong "evolution".

 

[brat#2]

Mitch, I'm seeing your progress and I'm so glad that you are making progress, even though it is slow.  That is all we can hope and ask for.  Being the lifelong evolution is so true and just trying every day to make each day a little better is what we all strive for.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

5 minutes ago, brat#2 said:

... just trying every day to make each day a little better is what we all strive for...

 

That's all you can do. Get up each day, face things the best you can and (hopefully) have more moments without pain than with. As you progress and the pain lessens, I think you're able to achieve things that you didn't think you could early on. Like I always say though, it's easier said then done. You'll find yourself doing the one step forward, two step back grief dance often.

 

[brat#2]

 

I'm already doing that one step forward, two step back dance, so I know it well.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

7 minutes ago, brat#2 said:

 

I'm already doing that one step forward, two step back dance, so I know it well.

 

Much easier to do than tap dancing, salsa or the tango.

[brat#2]

That's true Mitch!

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

You'll find yourself doing the one step forward, two step back grief dance often.

Ah, maybe there is where I get messed up.  Pulling me back.  Seems it would be better the other way around.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

No doubt it's hard, Joyce, Painfully hard,

I certainly have a long way to go. But, I think I'm making slow progress. This isn't a race, it's a lifelong "evolution".

 

And as such, it doesn't matter if you're a year out or ten, you're still in your grief journey, it probably hasn't changed much since three years out, but it is an evolutionary journey and it yours uniquely.

[mittam99]

I don't know if what I'm about to say will help others (I hope it does) but it's helped me get through so many difficult moments.

Having Tammy in my life changed me and made me a better person. Tammy showed me courage in the face of almost impossible odds. She showed me an unconditional love that I had never experienced. She made me feel like I was capable of achieving anything if I put my mind to it. Tammy set the bar for being an exceptional human being. She was amazing.

Tammy loved to laugh. Her one of a kind laugh was contagious and I made her laugh often. Tammy was a joyful person; she was loved by all who met her. She loved kids and the elderly, she loved you whether you were black, white or green.

So I think about all of this, all the time. How I was so lucky to call her my wife. How we were a force to be reckoned with together (in a good way). How we fought those medical battles together. How are hearts beat as one. 

And when I have one of those moments where I wonder if I can go on in this new life I never wanted, I think about Tammy. Who she was and what we were together. She wanted happiness for us. She'd never want to see me in misery. And I draw strength and comfort from that and I use that. I push forward through the pain to a place where light shines through the darkness. And I know she's proud of me. And I can hear her voice saying, "You got this, Mitch".

My Tammy will forever be a positive influence on who I am and will guide me through my journey. I hope that you too will be able to use your memories and your love to get you through the many nearly unbearable moments in your journey ahead.

 

[KATPILOT]

18 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

 And I know she's proud of me. And I can hear her voice saying, "You got this, Mitch".

 

 

All of what you said Mitch helps us to understand and are moved to find the calm peaceful loving part of our loss when anguish and sorrow often surround us. But the part where you hear her say that to you, well buddy having heard it myself, it's not just comforting, it's joy amidst sorrow.

You have the right to be proud of yourself too.

[kevin]

Just because you are alone, it doesn't mean you are lonely....somewhat profound....Now without someone to share everyday events with, someone to worry or care if you get up or not, it just isn't the same, and probably, never will be.....That is what I'm working on.....Mitch/Patty65, I distinctly remember telling Angela one Christmas, house was full of kids and grandkids, I'm outside and every house was lit up, touch of fresh snow...something out of Norman Rockwell...I remember saying to Angela, this is as good as it gets..........I sincerely believe I experienced Heaven...................Anyway, that is where I want my Journey to take me in that direction and I'll take care of the rest.........morning again, go figure

[Margm]

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I didn't want to start a new topic, so I figured that courage must mean hope also, so here it is.

I know they say that you should take a year before you do such a big endeavor as moving.  I am still fighting this endeavor.  Yesterday, cleaning out a cabinet in the washroom I found Billy's cache of tools that he uses hidden in the cabinet.  No secret we have family in at all times.  I know why these were in this cabinet.  They were the tools that he used and he did not want people to lose them.  We have tools all over the house.  A big tool box with rusted tools found yesterday too. They were in the little red outhouse that we stored things in, roof leaked, and we did not look at these things until everything was ruined and had to be burned and thrown away.  I think I could clean the tools with WD40, but I won't.  I will put the tools in the cabinet in "my" toolbox.  If they were what Billy used, maybe I can too.  I seem to do like others, one step ahead, two steps backwards.  Billy was always with me to make these decisions.  I don't use "tools" but occasionally I can use a screwdriver.  My mom was "toolman."  Daddy had taught her all about tools.  Billy would say "that's my job."  Finding his fishing flies threw me back a day.  Now the tools.  I will get out of this house but perhaps that year's gauge meant things like this.  Somehow, I think a year from now they would still throw me off course.  It is slow going.  I can do this.

[mittam99]

Marg, you definitely can do this, you're already proving that.

Courage is a requirement in grief. We've gone from a comfortable life, full of love and happiness to what amounts to taking a blind leap into a giant black hole. The unknown is a very scary thing. In our lives with our soul mate everything was familiar and when a problem would arise, you always had each other. Now, we live in a world that isn't the world we wanted (our worst nightmare actually) and we're on our own. Yet somehow, we have to reinvent ourselves so we can not only cope, but somehow accomplish positive, meaningful things. A tough, challenging task. Courage and fortitude are definitely needed.

In my life with Tammy I was blessed to see first hand a woman with more courage than anyone I've known in my life. She was inspirational to say the least. When I'm in a difficult situation now, I draw strength from Tammy's courage in the face of life threatening medical ordeals. She truly is a guiding light for me in my grief journey.

 

[Margm]

Mitch, I believe Billy had courage that I cannot match.  I do not know what pain he went through thinking it was his back.  I do know when he lost all his dignity, being the man that he was, he lost his fight, and also, the cancer had advanced so far and he had been put through such pain and experiments at the teaching hospital, he had no fight left.  With the brain aneurysm a ticking bomb, we actually do not know what was the cause of death.  The delay in the ER of hours upon hours, the three day prep for a colonoscopy that had him so weak he could not fight, or the breathlessness in the hospital room with me having to calm his breath down.  At 75, his heart might could not have tolerated the weight of everything.  I just know when he left, he took me with him..  And, all the emotions in the world won't bring him back.  I can get angry at God or I can appreciate all the years we had together that was not given to so many.  Right now, I am on the multiple course of thankful, angry, and sad.  

[Clematis]

I thought that was an interesting quote, kind of like the song lyrics, "you don't know what you got tip it's gone". I certainly had that experience with my dad. I loved him, cad totally committed to do everything for him,  and knew I would really miss him but I had no idea what had grown in our relationship until he was gone-and hence what I would lose. 

Sometimes I think, well maybe I should be hanging out more on the "Lost parent" section than the "Lost partner/spouse" section, but then I think, well grief is grief, and there is a lot more activity over here and regardless of all that I can relate to a lot of what I read over here. I feel like youall are my new friends and you are over here more.

But this is my latest thought about my dad's and my relationship...as my dad's Parkinson's deteriorated his condition and abilities, he needed me more and more. Sure, we both helped each other, but I don't think anyone would have thought he would be ok without me. Sure, I lived a minute and a half away-not in his house, and we each had some independence. I work and he did little things on his own like go to the grocery store, barber, drug store (within a mile of his house). But at most places, if he had ever shown up alone, anyone would have been stunned. They expected me to be there with me. We were a pair, and became more so as things went on. I think a lot of people saw us as a duo. Almost without exception when someone saw me alone, they'd say, "HI! How's your dad?" We were for the other the first person we would turn to for anything, the first person to report to, tell something to, take along to go somewhere, and all of that. It's really hard to lose all that...

[mittam99]

Here's a quote we need to show to friends, family and acquaintances who feel we should have "moved on" by now.

[Gwenivere]

If only we could get people to understand this, Mitch.  What is this fixation with time lines?

[mittam99]

Gwen, on the one hand, people do care and they don't like seeing us hurting. Yet on the other hand, the same people feel we need to "get over it" because they simply don't know how to deal with our prolonged grief.

That, and the fact our society, in general, is all about the "quick fix".

[kayc]

You hit on something key, Mitch.  

2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Yet on the other hand, the same people feel we need to "get over it" because they simply don't know how to deal with our prolonged grief.

It's their problem, so we need to try not to let what THEY are dealing with bother us, we need to focus on our own journey and let their's be their's.