Hope in this new life

[MartyT]

The other part of Mitch's statement is key, too. We are bombarded daily, if not hourly, via television commercials attempting to persuade us that there is a pill for whatever ails us. When something in our lives is broken, not working, or otherwise amiss, we tend to look for and expect a "quick fix." It seems that as a society, we are losing our ability to endure . . .

[Margm]

My friend, I learned this morning, is in the hospital with what she calls a "bum ticker."  She moved back to our hometown, she and her sister, and after her husband's death, she and her sister lived alone.  They were going to live where they came from for the rest of what we all know is not sometimes as long a life as we want.  Her sister was younger than her, but because of her "bum ticker" passed away a year ago.  So, she decided to move back to be around her kids, grandkids, and greats.  It is not far "down the road."  This morning I learned she is in the hospital as above.  Meditation tapes might help, I am not sure, I hope they have some subliminal message playing in my ears after I am asleep.  Stress can kill a person.  And, I would think we all know we have come close to just plain wishing it would take us on over.  I already walk around with a ticking time bomb, and if I find something to make that clock tick quieter, I will take it.  I cannot take many medicines.  I already know, if anything else happens it cannot be fixed and honestly, other than the stress, I don't care to fight anything else.  So, what I do is just try to fix it where there is not much to clean up for my kids.  I have one friend moving into assisted living one street over from my apartment and another friend of both of ours will follow soon afterwards.  She is already deaf.  My other friend cannot walk without assistance.  I am thankful I can walk, but I cannot pick up heavy objects.  "Sometimes when your falling off a cliff you reach for anything."  Like my friend grieving her sister, sometimes at our age it is easier to just "take a pill" or give up.  You need something to fight for to live.  My friend, the stress of losing her husbands (more than one), losing her sister, being in rehab (broken bones from a fall) for months, sometimes it is not enough.  She is a gifted technical writer and wrote the book for the Black Hawks, a technical book for them and was asked to write another.  I think maybe the stress of that, losing her husbands, her sister, and the new move after the other move less than two years ago might have been too much.  She has lots to live for.  So do I.  Sometimes living seems such a big chore.

[MartyT]

Living IS a big chore, dear Marg, and I think the older we get, the more we realize just how much work it can be, especially since everything in and on our bodies begins to wear out (eyes, ears, joints, etc.). I notice that our companion animals handle ageing so much more gracefully than we humans do. Of course, in many cases, that's because they have people like us to take such good care of them  

[Margm]

12 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Of course, in many cases, that's because they have people like us to take such good care of them  

Marty, my kids and friends want me to get an animal.  I just cannot.  Right now I cannot manage to take care of myself properly and I would not have an animal that I could not take care of.  Besides, apartments charge more for animals and right now, I just don't have the "love" that I need for one.  I couldn't even feel close to my great granddaughter.  I don't know what stage that is, I don't think I remember "selfish" as a stage, but there it is, but also my care of my kids, my mama and my sister added on to care of a precious pet might just push me right on over.  I see my daughter get up in the middle of the night to take her fur babies out.  Then they go back to bed and snuggle.  I have taken care of so many people the last 54 years that taking care of myself is a big enough chore.  Maybe "selfish" is one of the stages.

[MartyT]

There is a big difference, Marg, between being selfish and practicing good self-care. When your spouse of 54 years has died, you must place yourself and your own needs first, because you are the only one who can take good care of you. I agree that in no way are you in a position to care for an animal companion. Not now. Not yet. If and when you ever want to get a pet to look after and to love, you will know. And if that time never comes for you, that's okay too.  ♥

[Clematis]

I agree...an animal companion can be a blessing and a comfort and it is an easy thing to wish for another. You'll know if and when the time is right-it will be when you WANT that pet so badly you are willing and able to do whatever it takes to care for it.

I love having a cat who can serve as a therapy animal, because there are so many people-especially the ill and the elderly that love animals, but like you are in no position to take on the burden of an animal's care. Or maybe they live someplace where they cannot have an animal live with them. Lena has a number of people who can pet, snuggle with, and enjoy her--and then send her off with me to take care of her needs.

Maybe one of your friends or family has a pet that you get along with well, who could be a special friend to you...you could share a little time together, and leave it at that...a little therapy visit, some petting, maybe a treat, call it a therapy visit, and they go home with their owner...

Also, "selfish" is not a stage, but there are times that you have to take care of yourself or other priorities, because if you don't take care of yourself you can't do much for anyone else. I have spent my teen and adult live doing a lot of volunteer work, but when my dad moved out here and I began taking care of him, there was no time for being a "Big Sister",or helping other agencies with things where I could be a huge asset. My dad was my priority and I haven't done any volunteer work for years except taking Lena to work.

I would also remind you of your generosity on this forum. You have helped a lot of people here-including me. You are not selfish, Marg-you are a giver if I ever saw one

[Cookie]

Marg:  I understand where you're coming from.  I have two standard poodles that John and I had together and it takes everything I have to take good care of them now.  They are a comfort, but there is stress involved too.  Also, one of them is older and I just can't bear the thought of another loss.  I agree that you yourself will know when the time is right to take on more responsibility, as wonderful as it might sound to have something to cuddle with.  Take care, Cookie

[mittam99]

4 hours ago, MartyT said:

The other part of Mitch's statement is key, too. We are bombarded daily, if not hourly, via television commercials attempting to persuade us that there is a pill for whatever ails us. When something in our lives is broken, not working, or otherwise amiss, we tend to look for and expect a "quick fix." It seems that as a society, we are losing our ability to endure . . .

Here's something that I find rather remarkable. And that's people's impatience with virtually everything.

I've been working with the public on and off since the early 1970's. Back then I believe we had (as a society) much more of a tolerance for delays and waiting. Today, if someone needs to wait longer than what they deem is necessary, they're ready to explode. You can literally see the veins popping out of their heads. If there's a glitch with computers or some other problem arises, people seem ready to pull their hair out in frustration. The phrase "stop and smell the roses" doesn't exist anymore.

Even more interesting and surprising is that it isn't just the younger generation as you might suspect. Often the most impatient people are the elderly.

[Margm]

Cookie, there is a blog that Billy and I read every day.  RVSue and Crew.  It is a lone woman living in a very small RV, maybe a Casita, and she has her two fur babies with her.  One passed away and we as her readers grieved right along with  her..  She boondocks (single RV parking without landlines) by herself and is never afraid, or does not show it.  The two fur babies could not protect her, they are very small.  So, when Billy left, I knew that was what I would do.  I would go to all the places we were going to go.  Our RV is only 23 feet long.  The more I thought about it the more fearful I became.  She always manages to get her RV hooked and unhooked, and she is no spring chicken either.  She has a bull horn, I believe, to scare away animals, and where she parks in various states, any breed of animal could be dangerous.  Anyhow, Billy and I knew the other one would carry on in the RV, like RVSue.  I had courage the first two or three days and also numbed insanity.  I can never live our dream without his physical presence beside me.  I am not sure if he could or not.  But, he would have a fur baby with him.  He loved the big hunting dogs and I think maybe he would have headed for the woods.  But, our kids said he would never leave them.  I don't know who is right, I only know with all our family dynamics, handling a fur baby would not help me.  My daughter has two dogs and two cats.  Right now, just like my great grandbaby, I am better off away from them.  Selfish, cold, impersonal, mean, irrational, ornery, cranky, well, I think they all describe me right now.  I am overwhelmed with family dynamics as it is and I just want a chance to take care of me.  I may be so lonesome I cannot stand it.  I don't know.  Just quiet and reading and watching TV sounds good right now and not having to worry if so-and-so has groceries, gas money, house payment money, just plain living money.  I feel most times like those old torture things of being pulled four different ways.  Now, if they all leave me alone, I really might be certifiable, but I would like a chance to find out.  And, I feel terribly guilty just typing that.

Oh, and I never read RVSue anymore.  It just brings up pain.

[Margm]

Thank you Laura.  That was very sweet.  My daughter has two dogs and two cats.  Cannot seem to warm up to four legged fur babies or two legged people.  My family puts up with me pretty well.  

[Clematis]

Marg-it sounds like you know what you need-and don't need; you just feel guilty about it. You're not an animal person, and that's ok. I love cats but actually have some allergy to them. I like dogs, but need more space than they are sometimes able to grant-like at least an inch...in other words I don't want to be licked and jumped on, but I love to see and watch them. It is what it is.

Maybe what you need is to hear that it's ok. So, I am here to give you permission to do and not do whatever you need to take care of you, and I bet all your friends here would heartily agree with me in saying that!

[Gwenivere]

I don't know if I would call myself selfish.  I do know I don't really care much if alt all what is happening with people around me now.  I just can't because they are living.  Plans flying all over the place.  I want to feel happy for them, but I fill the day trying to make it something worth living for.  I lay low because I want to avoid advice and suggestions.  When they do come and I try to explain (futilely) this is different, I often feel they think it's an excuse.  Go see Star Wars!  Load up the dogs and take a drive!  Get out your art supplies and create again!  Hey, how about a roommate so you aren't so lonely?  

If it were physically possible for a human head to explode, mine would.  

[Clematis]

Here is a dog story-for entertainment only...

I used to walk dogs for the Humane Society and that was ok; since they didn't really know me they weren't into licking and jumping on me. I always had dog treats in my pockets and a box of them in the trunk of my car and every dog that belonged to any friend or acquaintance of mine was well aware of that and never forgot it. I did Twitter for the Humane Society and photographed a lot of dogs and cats-or used existing photos and put them in better backgrounds to make them look more adoptable, and post them on Twitter. One of my sisters has a beautiful home with slipcovers, pillows, etc that she has made (she does this professionally for an interior decorator). I once took tons of pics at her house for backgrounds, and used them over and over.

Sometimes I'd text her these pics of animals she had never seen-right there in her house! Hahaha! There was this one dog that would jump straight up in the air-really high-every time someone walked down the run at the shelter. I walked him a lot and sent her several pics-he had been at the shelter a long time and I felt sorry for him. She-and the people at the shelter were sure I was going to adopt him. Nope, not me. Anyway, one day I sent her a pic with a message, "He is really a jumper!" Or that's what I thought I wrote. But she texted back, "He's a HUMPER?" Oops... Anyway, someone adopted him about a  week later-not me. I can't have a dog..when I go to work, it's for 14 hours or more, and that's too long for a dog. I don't think my cat would walk the dog and pick up after him... But one day, in the course of cruising on the Hum Society site for terrible pics of animals, I found Lena, and even though I wasn't sure if my allergies would tolerate it (I had suffered along with no cat for 15 long years), I saw her picture, jumped up, grabbed my keys and purse and went right over there to get her. Not that I am impulsive or anything... Anyway, after I adopted Lena someone else wanted to do Twitter, so now I just take pics of Lena...

[Gwenivere]

Marg, living IS a chore now.  How I so miss those days it was an adventure or just.....life.  

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

 If there's a glitch with computers or some other problem arises, people seem ready to pull their hair out in frustration. The phrase "stop and smell the roses" doesn't exist anymore.

Oh, that is so true!  I have been in so many places that people go berserk.  I get impatient with people that create problems like arguing with cashiers to the point of abuse.  I can't possibly see anything worth giving myself a heart attack over.  Life is chaos enough without seeking it out!

[Clematis]

11 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I don't know if I would call myself selfish.  I do know I don't really care much if alt all what is happening with people around me now.  I just can't because they are living.  Plans flying all over the place.  I want to feel happy for them, but I fill the day trying to make it something worth living for.  I lay low because I want to avoid advice and suggestions.  When they do come and I try to explain (futilely) this is different, I often feel they think it's an excuse.  Go see Star Wars!  Load up the dogs and take a drive!  Get out your art supplies and create again!  Hey, how about a roommate so you aren't so lonely?  

If it were physically possible for a human head to explode, mine would.  

I know what you mean-people have all these ideas and some of it is ridiculous, given what is actually going on in my life and my head. People try to be helpful, but sometimes you just wish they had kept their mouth shut. But you don't want to just say that. One of my favorite stories about my mother painting was that she was out painting the light falling across a pond and someone came up to her, watched for awhile and commented, "You should put a duck in it!" She was interested in the light falling across the pond and did not want any input. It made her really mad, but became a family joke for unwanted input..."You should put a duck in it!" regardless of the subject matter...

My former beloved painting teacher Patty, who died of metastatic cancer in the last year, said something rather profound (and news to me) at a critique at the end of a painting class. Someone said something about one of my paintings that I thought was really dumb. Patty looked at me scrunching up my face, and the other person, who started backpedaling and apologizing, and she said, "Don't worry-Laura has a really good filter!" I guess there was a long history of my taking Patty's input and picking through what she said, the assignments and everything else, and plucking out what I liked.  

Also, I learned that a good way to avoid input when painting in public is to wear headphones and an iPod or some device, conspicuously placed. It is not on, but I use it to ignore people, unless they really get in my face and yell at me. I have a friend who is about the sweetest warmest person I have ever met, and I was asking her one time how she did this, and she said, "Oh, whenever someone asks or tells me something I don't want to hear, I just act like what I heard them say is something that I DO want to answer or respond to, smile, and go on with enthusiasm"...

[brat#2]

I get it Gwen, I would rather just avoid people than listen to their suggestions of how to make myself better and what I should be doing.  It is hard to listen to people going on about their plans or complaining about things when they don't have a clue what it is like to not have any plans or silly little things to complain about.  However, I have found that I'm turning into a person that doesn't have much patience, I don't voice my opinion or shout out to anyone, but I do complain to myself when I think something is taking too long.  Maybe I'm taking over for Dale, he didn't have very much patience and I always did, so now I'm taking his place....

Joyce

[Margm]

Laura, my son is an artist.  He used to go by the name Faderwing, and his paintings had a following, but he has quit painting so much.  He was what you really call a "starving" artist and could not make a living that way so, he went into DJing, got into drugs, and his paintings kind of fell by the wayside.  It is a shame, he was good, still is, but he has other things on his mind now and does not put time into it like he used to do.  I know though, his paintings were like his kids.  You don't criticize a person's kids or your asking for trouble.  He might take criticism, but they were his kids.  He never had a marketing ability, but his paintings took top money put up at auctions in Hot Springs and he had quite a few of them stolen out of galleries.  A doctor bought one and put it in his waiting room.  They were never of landscapes, happiness, etc., but they did speak to people that needed to be spoken to.  The doctor was a neurologist.  He showed in quite a few places, a while back in Sedona.  He stayed with a friend he graduated with and she had his paintings shown.  

[Clematis]

Marg, that is sad  that your son has had such a hard way to go. It is difficult being an artist.There are very few who can make a living at it. Some teach-and their focus becomes their students' work, some do commercial art-and have no energy or time for their own work, some abandon it altogether for another field that pays-that sucks, and some try to make a living at it and end up starving artists. I didn't want to give up my art, but son't want to starve either... I got this idea that I would work in the schools-as a school psychologist and would have summers off and other vacations during which to develop my art so that I could rally work on it when I retired. I hope I really can do that.

I liked what you said about someone's art being like their kids... What were your son's paintings like?

[KATPILOT]

It certainly is hard to be an artist. I knew I couldn't make it because I wasn't that good. Every art teacher I had was teaching to support their art. I didn't teach but I worked at an art supply and framing place while going to ASU so after graduation, I opened a frame shop but then found myself too busy to paint. The chair of the art department was one of my first customers and he just came in last week to have a painting framed some 44 years later. The one thing I have learned is how to see artists work objectively which allowed me to help enhance the work and even know what would help it sell. Eighty percent of what I do is for artists and galleries. I have to say I have been lucky to have had the chance to work for some terrific artists and sadly see so many die over all these years. I was also lucky enough to have had a partner in my airplane who owned galleries around the southwest. I hauled an awful lot of art in that plane. Sadly she died in 1994 and I've kept the plane we bought in 1981 but that must come to an end as well for you just have to know that age has limitations.   My wife and I were going to retire and while she was quilting, I was going to start painting again. I tried to last year but it just isn't happening. The desire left with the future we had.   You can still paint at any age so perhaps one day.

Below is a picture of my plane which bears the name of our joint venture "AIR ART"  Next to it is the last painting I ever did back in the 70's.    I miss my partner too. Elaine was like my Jewish mother making me part of her family. I remember flying over the funeral with her coffee and doughnuts in the back   just as she liked it.  You know I did it that way because I couldn't handle her sudden death. I just couldn't be there    

[mittam99]

This is a lovely little poem for us.

[Margm]

Scott went through different trials throughout his paintings.  His pen and ink were by far the best to me.  But during his druggy days he would come out with very painful ones.  The one he gave me was a lifesize naked (nothing showing) of him in the corner he had painted himself in.  It is in some woman's home in Denver.  It was beautiful, the best he has done, but it frightened me everytime I saw it.  He painted his girlfriend as Alice in the 2nd one.  After his drug days his art would have spoke more of people in distress, just like he was.  Those were sold and were stolen.  They actually talked to pain.  Crows are in most of his drawings/paintings.  He did a series of Voodoo Sally and wrote a story to go with it that fascinated me to no end.  I wanted to hear the rest of the story.  He is bipolar and he loses interest and goes to other things, but the painting and drawing haunts him constantly.  The drugs and finally the hep-C nearly killed him, but he does not draw upon those dark times.  His dark times paintings were what sold to tortured souls though.  His whole collection was stole from a place called "The Poet's Loft" in Hot Springs where they were on loan.  

The first is a pin and ink called "rabbit run."  The third, the framework is pen and ink and then painted.  His black and white intricate pen and ink are mine and his dad's favorites.  

[KATPILOT]

Some of the greatest works in history were done by artists in pain. Emotions and feelings run deep through the artists mind and soul.    I'm not sure if creativity can come from the light and ethereal.  Music is often composed in similar circumstances. His works are good Marg. Very good.  Having you explain what  was going on allows us to see that when we view them.  I myself have written things during my darkest hours being widowed that I could read later and see the power in those words. I could never have written them had I been happy and content.  I hope Scott finds his way back to painting and drawing. He could only do that through the pain and anguish he has experienced in his life for we draw on those feelings

One of the few paintings I ever liked by Picasso was "Guernica". It is a large black and white oil of a town in Spain obliterated  by the Germans testing their Blitzkrieg (lightning war)  on a sleeping village unaware of what was about to happen to them. When I went back and looked at it after reading the whole story, I understood the passion the artist felt in painting it. Art is seldom created without some form of passion

By the way, to have your paintings stolen is almost a form of flattery.  I felt that way when it happened to me.  Once my dad accidentally drove over one of my pieces with a two ton truck. I wasn't sure how I felt about that one.

[Margm]

He was not inspired by his Voodoo Sally paintings.  They were a family of Voodoo dolls and the story was magical.  I loved it.  But, it has to come from him.  Those that I put up were his latest endeavors.  They were not his best ones.  They are scattered everywhere.  He visited the art galleries in Europe and long ago was inspired by Vincent Van Gogh.  He could copy him almost exactly, but that was not what he wanted.(And, we know all about Vincent), and I was not impressed.  Vincent does not care of course.  His pen and inks are great and I am glad he is not feeling the pain that made him paint himself into a corner, mentally and literally.  I just know he is missing something.  Like the child's song of not hiding your talent under a bush.  His relationship right now and for 10 years must make him happy and too distracted (definitely) to draw or paint, yet I see him  trying, but the disturbances keep him unfinished.  I cannot interfere.  

One of our doctors wrote children's books.  His last published was in our library at the big teaching hospital.  I rode the elevator with him (my friend was his administrative assistant) and complimented him.  I said that I could write poetry when I was taking the amphetamines.  He said his drug of choice was gin.  I thought that ironic.    

[kayc]

Marg,

Your son did those?  Very good!  I don't have the ability to paint, I once took a class in it, it was so bad they should have refunded me and kicked me out!

Steve, you are good too...how come you haven't painted since the 70s?  Or did I misunderstand you?

[Margm]

Kay, I have said before that he is bipolar.  If you look back in history, they believe the people that had the most creative abilities might have been bipolar.  I read if Churchill had not had his people holding him down he would have bounced off the walls.  Your composers, a lot, I don't know how many, were suspected to be bipolar.  I don't know what it does to the brain.  My dad could play any musical instrument "by ear."  We suspect that is where it came from.  Unfortunately, I just have chronic depression, although I believe Billy was obsessive compulsive (we are positive),  Nothing creative about me.