Hope in this new life

[Cookie]

Marg:  I agree, you are not selfish or mean to want to do what you need to do.  I'm amazed you know what you need.  You're way ahead of me and it's almost 11 months since John died.  I just do whatever as the days come; don't know if it's good for me or not.  Yeah, I don't think doing the RV thing by myself would work.  I would be too nervous, and worse, completely feeling untethered.  I want to feel connected right now; seems to be a driving force.  I agree with Gwenivere when she said she doesn't care what other people are doing because they all have lives.  I feel that way, or I don't want to care what they are doing because it hurts too much.  I got the book Bard recommended to someone else called "About Grief," and it is very right on.  There was a Haiku at the beginning that said, "You think that their dying is the worst thing that could happen; then they stay dead."  It resonated with me completely.  I think I'm still in the phase of what, he's really dead?  Hugs to everyone.....Cookie

[Margm]

Cookie, I go through periods of just turning around in this house, walking forward, going to bed, just being in the kitchen and I think he should be right there and the electrical bolt that hits me each time is just like he is gone again, again, and again.  I cannot describe it.  The last time I cried breathlessly, losing my breath, I just said that all those tears were not going to bring him back and now I cry, I cry watching a TV show talking about marriage, and reality does not want to be looked in the face.  I want to look in his face, but not the one I saw for the last time.  I have to shake my head and go no, no, no, just to get it out of my head. I see him in everything I do.  But, my tears just fall, they don't come in floods near as often.  I don't know how much time I have left, but my biggest goal is not to leave the mess my mother has left, and I just hope I have time to get rid of all this stuff, but it is going slow.  I see Billy every time I turn around, pull a drawer out, or anything else.  I just do not want to be left for my kids to take care of.  Two of my friends are going into assisted living to keep from bothering their kids.  So far I can still do everything except lift heavy stuff.  I just look forward to quiet times and reading, and wonder if that is something I might should dread. I can support myself and really think my kids should be happy about that, I just cannot support three families.  We will just have to see how this turns out.  Might be the biggest mistake I ever made, if so, it will have to be a monstrous one because I have made some big ones.  

As an addendum, if it is a mistake, I cannot see how it will make me feel any worse than I do right now.  It will just shift the feeling from one state to another.   

[Cookie]

Marg:  Yes, I feel all those things too.  I hear people saying they don't cry as much; I wish I did because now it seems like the lack of tears is being replaced by an all-consuming painful, depressive feeling and horrible loneliness.  It hurts so much, it almost takes my breath away, but I guess you're brain knows what it is doing (?).  I can't make myself cry and I can't make the horrible pain go away.  What to do?  I wish someone had the answer.  I feel like I have been trying so hard to feel better.  No one could support three families that I know.  I feel lucky I can support myself too for now.  Assisted living might be good because of more connection with people...I don't know.  I live out in the country, beautiful place in the north carolina mountains, but incredibly lonely now that John is gone.  I see that I will have to move, but where?  These decisions are impossible to make it seems.  I also have stuff to get rid of, mostly John's, and find it overwhelming just to think about it.  Can't imagine doing all this and selling a house too.  Hopefully, it will all become clear; I guess that is all we can hope for.  Hugs to you, Cookie

[kayc]

Cookie,

I can relate.  I live in a beautiful place, it'd be hard to give up looking at the forest and mountains and deer and elk and trade for city/apt.  Plus w/o anyone to help me get rid of stuff & move, it is way too overwhelming to think about.

The tears turn to a kind of sadness that I've learned to carry with me, it's kind of like I coexist with my grief.  Yes it's good when I'm with my family, but that's too few and far between.  Most of the time I am alone.  The years of working in the city (long commute) I didn't have time to cultivate friendships and now that my best friend moved away and a couple more dropped off, I find myself very much alone.  I don't have a problem making decisions, but it was harder when I was newer to grief.  We were used to having someone to consult with on things.

Margaret,

Do what feels right to YOU.

[Margm]

The place I live is beyond beauty.  It is peaceful and way too much for me to take care of.  You see, I am basically a lazy person. (I did work 43 years, retired from two hospitals, but that was not work, I liked it.)  There are at least two acres of just grass and three bedrooms and two baths to a gypsy minded person.  My favorite house ever was a 19 foot 5th wheel RV.  I kept it clean.  The smaller the better.  I am partial to those little houses, but would have to have a slide to get to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  There are Arkansas mountains all around me, the houses are hidden between hills and valleys.  There are only nine houses on this circle drive and five inhabited by widows.  I gotta get outta here.  Billy and I had plans to leave.  He got sick too fast and was gone too fast.  I have no sentimental feelings about this house and I know I am wrong in this, but I blame Arkansas for killing him, which I realize is insane, but that is just me.  I will never return.  I realize Cookie and you other fellow grievers that to some of you your house is part of your life.  My neighbor is like that too.  Her husband built their house and she will leave only one way.  I understand those that cannot leave.  My mom could not leave either.  I'm just afraid this damn house is gonna kill me too before I get to leave it.  If you ever get a chance, watch the animated movie "Monster House."  

[KarenK]

A little hope for me(I think). I have been working with my mortgage company for months trying to get a loan modification. They are worse than the IRS for communication. I was finally able to talk to MY representative last week. She told me that the application was approved, but is still unable to tell me what the terms are as it is not yet finalized. Each person I have spoken with in the past was perplexed to understand the loan. That in itself sounds scary.

I was told to skip May's payment and that June, July, August "trial" payments would be an amount that is $200 lower than my current payment. Ongoing payments have yet to be undetermined. Unfortunately, I had paid for May the day before, but that will apply to June. None of this is "written in blood" so I am leery until I see the actual paperwork.

This will not solve my financial dilemma, but will certainly be helpful.  At least, I'll be able to stay here for a few more months.

[Margm]

Karen, that at least sounds positive.  I know they have strung you around before, but at least you talk to someone who admits you are a person living in that house and something is being done.  I am happy for you.  Anything positive at a time like this ...........well, it is positive.  We need positive.  My heart is with you.  

[kayc]

Oh Karen, I know you've been going through this for what seems like a year, and them not telling you much of anything!  I hope they get their act together and finalize it SOON for your peace of mind.  And I hope the lowered payment truly help you out.

[BillT]

On 4/9/2016 at 7:19 PM, mittam99 said:

 

...I've been in that dark place where all I wanted was to end the pain. I saw no hope for a future with even the smallest amount of happiness.

Mitch

 

Thankful this morning, 98 days since my beautiful Mary Kay left this world.  For whatever reason, I slept well and long last night, a first in 98 days.  I cried this morning, but for the last couple of hours I have felt a sense of peace that does surpass all understanding.  I am thankful for this however long (or short) it may last.  

Love and prayer to all in your journey,

Bill

[Guest]

So happy for you Bill.  Respites are to be cherished and I hope it is a long one.

[mittam99]

I wasn't sure where to add this.

I just came across these beautiful wedding vows that were written in the 12th century by the German writer, Frau Ava. This sums up the term "soul mate" to perfection...

 

Groom

In your eyes, I have found my home.
In your heart, I have found my love.
In your soul, I have found my mate.
With you, I am whole, full, alive.
You make me laugh. You let me cry.
You are my breath, my every heartbeat.

I am yours.
You are mine.
Of this we are certain.
You are lodged in my heart.
The small key is lost.
You must stay there forever.

Bride

You are my inspiration and my soul's fire.
You are the magic of my days.
You help me laugh, you teach me love.
You provide a safe place for me, unlike I've ever known.
You free me to sing my own song.
You are more of an amazement to me, each day I rediscover you.
You are my greatest boon.

I am yours.
You are mine.
Of this we are certain.
You are lodged in my heart.
The small key is lost.
You must stay there forever

[enna]

Oh, I really like this one.

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch,

That touched my soul.  When Mark and I got married, we worked together on the ceremony.  We did not get married in a church, but we did get married by a priest.  I was not raised any particular denomination, but Mark was raised Catholic (though he wasn't practicing).  It was important to his mom to have some element of the church.  When it came to readings done, I let him choose those.  He knew the Bible back and forth.  There were special things I wanted to be a part of it.  How I wish I would have known about this poem, because it really signifies what we were all about.  I am going to print it out and add it to the book I put together about him.  Thank you so much for sharing.

[kayc]

That is beautiful!  Had we heard of it, I am certain we would have used those vows.

[mittam99]

Today has been a kind of down day for me. Had a couple of intense grief bursts that took my breath away. It's gloomy and cold and rainy here, too. One of those days when it's hard to find any positives and hope seems to be a foreign word that I can't comprehend.

One of those days that Tammy would have made "all better" with a smile or a hug.

That's all I've got for today. No encouraging, hopeful words of wisdom or uplifting thoughts. Sorry.

[BillT]

Mitch,

I too have had a pretty rough day.  Seems today just about anything can be a trigger.  The bursts of grief just keep on coming.  I am counting the hours until I can sleep.  When I read your post above, it was as if I could have written it.  I pray that we both have a better day tomorrow. 

 

Love and prayers to all,

Bill

 

[Gin]

Mitch and Bill,.  One of those really bad days for me, too.  I went to the health club today (where Al and I used to go together).  I ended up crying while on one of the machines.  It is a hard trip we are all on.

Gin

[Gwenivere]

I'm joining this club of a bad day.  I'm shut down to any good in the world, why can't we get shut down to some of the bad?  Wish I could even look forward to going to sleep, but waking up itself started this bad day.   What a frigging conundrum.  Sometimes I wish I could just go comatose for a bit.   Like Mitch said.....if Steve were only here.   I'd still feel sick, but I wouldn't be in grief too!

[scba]

I am sending to all of you a big hug. 

[Gin]

Thanks, Ana.  One back to you, also.

[mittam99]

Do you ever have thoughts in your head that makes a bunch of sense but you don't know how to best explain them to others? Well, that's what I'm going to attempt to post now. Hopefully what I write next will make sense.

I was thinking about this grief journey and how incredibly hard it is to function at a level higher than just "existing".  We've just lost everything that was precious to us. We've lost pretty much all the love that existed in our lives. In many ways, we've lost our purpose. We've lost our happiness and our joy. We've lost the person in the world we trusted the most. We've lost our sense of belonging. In many cases, we lost our anchor. Many have lost their protector. Their "safety net". The list of losses can go on and on. No wonder this new life feels so empty, meaningless and impossible at times! We can barely cope and can hardly function beyond the basics. The idea of somehow finding happiness and joy seems absurd to many.

Yet somehow, a meaningful life has to be our goal. Some days, the pain is so bad, the tears so heavy that we don't have the energy to push forward. Some days (I had one of them yesterday) it feels like we are in a deep hole of grief and there is absolutely no way out. And it would be understandable to say "I can't live like this God, please take me away". We've all had those moments, haven't we?  So, how the hell do we ever look at this new life as anything but a horrible and empty shell compared to the rich, full of love lives we once had?

That's the dilemma we each face in this grief journey. And, as we all know, there is no easy answer, no quick fix, no handy dandy book that will solve this mystery. It boils down to one day at a time and trying to figure out what works and what doesn't work for you. The truth is, time doesn't heal all wounds. We will always be grieving our loss, til the day we die. That's a given; we've lost our one true soul mate. And as far as I can tell, that's a once in a lifetime experience. This grief journey is painful, horribly lonely and feels meaningless. How do we ever get to a point that we feel like this is a life worth living?

Truth #1: This is the only life we get. We have a limited time on earth. There are no do-overs.

This is the only life we get. We can spend it feeling nothing but misery or we can try and accomplish things to the best of our ability. That's the goal, but it's a hard one.

Truth #2: The last person in the world that would want to see us hurting and in misery is our soul mate.

Our beloved would not want us to suffer. That may be cliche but you all know in your heart that it's the truth. Of course, this is way easier said than done because it's that love we feel that makes it hard to go on. But it's something to think about.

Truth #3:  Change is hard.

Our lives have changed forever. We are missing that person that completed us. That made our life feel so much better. But, they've died. And we are left alone and grieving. We have to adapt to this new life and somehow re-invent ourselves to function in a world we never wanted. Again, it's a very very hard task.

Truth #4: You learn something new each day (or at least you should).

Life is a learning experience and grief is no different. It's a slow process but we have to take each day and see what helps and what doesn't help. It's different for each of us but after a while, you learn what you need to do to get by.

Truth #5: We all need a measure of hope in our lives.

You gotta have hope. It's pretty simple. If you have no hope, everything feels hopeless. I don't know if this will give any of you hope, but In my journey I feel like I am in a somewhat better place than I was just a few months ago. Sure, the waves come and go but I am functioning better. Don't give up on yourself in your journey!

OK, those are just words. Just my thoughts and ideas. There is no "cure" for our grief. It's a 24/7 journey that will take many twist and turns. There will be some hills and some valleys and a bunch of road blocks and detours along the way.  My hope is that all of us see some sunshine in this life and the pain we feel becomes lessened in time. And that somehow we find some comfort and peace in our world.

Mitch

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch,

On my desk at work, I keep three books that I try and read every day.  The one I found this quote from is "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief"  by Martha Whitmore Hickman.  It goes as follows:

 

These times of grieving the loss of a loved one are times of change.  It is as though we leave forever a room where we have been comfortable and functioning well, and enter a new room.  Some of the same furnishings are there, and some of the same people, but the room is different none the less and requires a whole new adaptation from us - and, probably, from the others in the room with us.

We have choices.  We can hide in a corner, covering, unwilling to look around.  We can tear around mindlessly, looking for an escape, though we know there is none.  Or we can look around, see where the windows are and where doors open into the future, for the door we came through is closed.  We can look for people who can help us - and begin to attend to this life, day by day.

"Slowly, and with some ambivalence, I will begin to experience the new in my life."

[Margm]

7 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

Slowly, and with some ambivalence, I will begin to experience the new in my life."

That really says it all.  

[BillT]

I am still in the "tear around mindlessly, looking for an escape, though we know there is none."

 What is a  life without my Mary Kay? 

Empty. 

This is what I have to look forward to. 

Wish I felt differently.

 

 

[mittam99]

Bill, you are very early in your journey, that's understandable. You can ask long time members what they felt when I joined here. Many were concerned that I wasn't going to make it, I was that devastated. At that time, life not only felt empty, it felt futile to even care. Now, a year and two months later I'm still here and coping. It's a long, tearful, gut wrenching journey. I still have a long way to go to feel like my life has a real purpose. But I am trying. I'm able to do push forward because my darling sweet Tammy is in my heart and soul.

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