Hope in this new life

[Margm]

Had my oil changed.  Billy always trusted these guys here in this little town to work on our vehicles.  Was told I am needing (and this is not mechanic talk, this is me talk and it is in my language), something about ball joint suspensions, tie rods, or knob extensions, or whateverthehell they mean.  They said my 350 mile round trip this week end was okay but am looking at around $700.  Now is when I need Billy.  But again, he isn't here is he?  He trusted them, so I will too.  Truck is 2004 Ranger and other than oil changes, batteries and tires has been no problem.  Guess it is time.  Could trade it in, but it fits me right now and if the shoe fits, I am going to wear it.  Besides it is a blue color that is almost purple and I like that.  The little sucker scoots up to 75 real fast too, I have to watch it.

I guess this could go under "hope in this new life" because that is all I can go on..........hope.

[mittam99]

41 minutes ago, BillT said:

What is a  life without my Mary Kay?

I know what you are feeling, Bill. Why bother even going through the motions, right? Life has no meaning now...

 

I don't know if this will help but I was looking at my topic "Dealing With Those Moments" and I found an interesting quote I wrote over a year ago:

Quote

So today has been a tough one. I do know that Tammy would not want me to give up. It's just that fighting side by side with Tammy seemed a lot more worthwhile than fighting for myself without her.

I know it's hard living a life without the person who made you whole. Who made your heart beat faster. Who shared your world and loved you like no other. And it is very hard  to feel like fighting for yourself and your own well being without her by your side. But like I said about Tammy, your beloved Mary Kay would not want you to give up. Just like her life meant everything to you, you know your life meant everything to her.

[brat#2]

Mitch - everything you said in your last few posts in this thread was so profound and beautiful.  I wish I could express myself like you do.  You say so many things that I have felt and am feeling, thank you.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Joyce, that means so much to me, that I've been able to touch your heart. I've read many posts by you that have touched me. We're all in this together!

All of us here are hurting and we honestly have no idea where this new life will take us. Often, it feels like we'd rather not even be along for the ride. But, we are here and I feel like we may as well make the best of a very, very difficult situation. When I make a post these days I have a mission. I want my words to help others. If I can ease someone's pain, or give them an idea that sparks something positive in their lives, or gives them comfort, I've accomplished my goal. I know what it feels like to be in that dark place where torture and intense pain live 24/7. Where tears and loneliness are your closest friends. Where all you want to do is sleep because it's easier than facing this new reality.

I'll continue to do my best to help those here who are hurting.

 

[KarenK]

Mitch,

I had a good friend on CSN named Sundanceh(Craig). Even when he was at his lowest point, his mantra was that we must always have hope because without it we have nothing. Sadly, he didn't make it, but I will never forget him or his determination to live. He called on an alter ego named "Big Billy" to get him through the really tough times.

May we all find our "Big Billy".

[mittam99]

In an earlier post I told BillT to check out my "Dealing with those moments" topic. I wanted him to see how devastated I was and how hopeless everything felt for a long time after my Tammy died. The reason I did that was to show Bill that even though he is in utter misery now, there is hope that he will find some peace and comfort.

Well, I went back and revisited that topic and it was both painful and enlightening at the same time. I realized that I have grown during my grief journey and have adapted in some ways to life after Tammy. It's not the life I want, but it's all I have now. 

On May 5, 2015... (about two months after Tammy died), and in that very same topic I started, Katpilot wrote something that touched me deeply. Sometimes we say "it's only words" but these particular words helped me see things in a new way. In a way that, I believe, helped me begin the healing process.

Here are Stephen's profound words:

Quote

One day you will learn to honor your bride by doing things she would love to see you doing. That will come in time but be certain of one thing. She is still with you. She is inside you effecting decisions you make and paths you choose to travel. You see, we are all affected by our loves. We shared so many times with them that we are not the same person we were before we met them. They became more like us and we them. Think about that when you make decisions, buy groceries, make changes in your home.

 

Those words changed my outlook about this new life. It wasn't an overnight change, but a year later, I can honestly say that I'm handling things in a more upbeat, positive way. Of course, I still have those waves of grief that hit so hard that my breath is taken away. That's the price we pay for loving so deeply. And I love my Tammy with every beat of my heart. 

To those of you that can't imagine life getting better, know that I felt the same way. I was convinced that all my days would be consumed by sadness and a gut wrenching anguish. But, I was wrong. Some days are still nothing but misery, yet many are filled with moments of comfort and some sense of peace.

Like Stephen said, I'm not the same person anymore. I have Tammy's unwavering courage and her zest for life inside me. I'm trying to live my life in a way that honors Tammy and I'm living with her love in my heart 24/7.

[Froggie4635]

I guess part of this post has something to do with hope in this new life. Today I am taking a step to a new independent life.  This morning at 7:30 I am meeting with an instructor that is going to help me prepare to take my driving test.  You have no idea how very terrifying this is.  I have been afraid to drive all my life.  I know it is a step I HAVE to take.  I need to get out from under the reliance on others...especially my mother in law.  She is a very sweet women, but a control freak.  I know she loves me like a daughter, and that is a good thing.  But it is hard to be a private person when she sees me everyday and is a big part of my life.  I know she isn't ready to let that go; I am her last connection to her son. 

I was hoping for something new to hold on to.  I had found a couple rolls of film in Mark's camera bag and had been wanting to get them developed.  I figured it would be pictures of some family event; but hoped there might be a new photo of Mark I could have.  Another memory.  Instead, I only got one roll back (the other must have been unused) and on it were pictures of an old girlfriend...and a few family pictures from many years before I met him.   Part of me felt crushed.  The few family shots that were there, I gave to his mom.  There were photos of Mark's dad in there; at least his mom got something new to have. It is a hard realization that the life I had is gone and there will be no more of it.  All that from a roll of film.

[BillT]

6 hours ago, mittam99 said:

In an earlier post I told BillT to check out my "Dealing with those moments" topic.

Mitch,

I spent hours yesterday, and read all the posts in the topic.  I am at 107 days, and in reading the entire topic, I found some reason to think that the sense of desolation and hopelessness that is my life might improve with time.  

I would suggest to others in the first months/year of grief may also glean some hope by reading the topic.

Love and prayer to all.

Bill

 

[mittam99]

Maryann, I can understand how disappointed you were that the film didn't have any new memories for you. I know that felt crushing, as you said. But remember that you will always have the life you lived with him and all the love you both shared locked in your heart, forever. That's what really matters.

As far as the driving, I have two key phrases to remember. One is for before you step into the car and one for after. First the before... "try to relax". And once in the car remember "hands at ten and two"! You'll do just fine. And the feeling of independence you'll have from the ability to drive will be huge for you. Think how proud Mark would be of you.

An interesting little driving story for you. Back in the early 80's, I'd been driving for about 10 years but always had automatic transmissions. I had the "hots" for the new little Honda CRX so I bought one, in red. The only issue? They only came with sticks. So there I was driving it off the dealers lot, never having driven a stick before. And talk about scary, the dealer was a block from a major highway and major intersections. Sure enough, I conked out a few times leaving stoplights but, you know what? A couple days later I was driving like Mario Andretti and having a blast.

Best of luck behind the wheel, Maryann!

[kayc]

Bill, it does.  I went from exploding shock, my whole world upside down to gradually adjusting and living with the changes it meant to my life.  Every day is not despair, but I sure do miss my big guy, I will the rest of my life.

[mittam99]

19 minutes ago, BillT said:

Mitch,

I spent hours yesterday, and read all the posts in the topic.  I am at 107 days, and in reading the entire topic, I found some reason to think that the sense of desolation and hopelessness that is my life might improve with time.  

I would suggest to others in the first months/year of grief may also glean some hope by reading the topic.

 

That's great to hear, Bill. This new life is hard and sometimes even a glimmer of hope can make a big difference!

[scba]

Dear Mitch, I have noticed time ago that you "changed" in your posts. I remember your early ones. I am glad you are still here with us sharing your story.

[Margm]

We, Billy and I are fast approaching seven months that he left me..  I wrote here three days after his death.  I am in the middle of an upheaval of my own doing.  I cannot stop now.  The walls and floors of the new apartment represent my life right now.  Empty, years and years old.  No color, just empty.  A new canvas to paint.  I have real talented artists that Billy and I gave birth to, but my talent, my feeling for color disappeared when I discovered I can no longer thread a needle, and I find it hard to go on without him, the color and substance of my. life..  Now I find, just like that empty old apartment, I have to give new life to bare walls.  New experiences.  Slap in the face life.  I parked in #109's parking place.  I am 110.  The numbers cannot be read.  They need repainted.  So do I.  Fixing to go take care of my mom.  The walls of my former home have to be stripped of that old life and put in this new life.  I rethink, if I was 10 years younger I would leave in the RV.  I cannot leave my sister with this burden totally on her own shoulders.  My granddaughter, Billy's heart, she depends on me also.  Our family tree has grown too high for me, a lone and sometimes frightened woman, I cannot keep this tree trimmed.  One lone person cannot handle all of this.  I have help, but our tree grows in so many directions, I cannot keep up with it.  So, I come on here, write my selfish words about a life we all share and try, ever so emptily, to fill with words.  No solutions.  Just do. "Hope in this new life."  Okay.

I am using a "tablet," a laptop, and sometimes a PC.  I miss some posts.  Mama tried to teach me from a young age it is better to be seen and not heard.  Or was that just opposite?  Before computers.  My life now..........I cannot remember.  I always wanted to be one of those girls that her phone number was written on the bathroom walls.  Just an idea, never a fact.  

[Froggie4635]

Well, I am now a basket case.  I don't know if I am mentally ready to take my test.  I don't know if it is my widow brain, or if the instructor made me uneasy or if I am just not ready yet.  He was instructing me on how to parallel park, and as long as he was doing it step by step, I had it.  But when he said. "okay, do it" I couldn't remember what step was first.  And that made me feel like a failure.  I couldn't wait for it to be over.  I paid $180 for the two hour course.  I am more afraid of failing the test than being a bad driver.  Everyone thinks this is so easy.  I know it is something I need to do.  What I hate most is what grief has done to my brain.

[mittam99]

Maryann, parallel parking is one of the most difficult things to do. Even long time drivers find it tricky. Please don't put so much pressure on yourself... it will overwhelm.

I am so proud of you for taking this big step!

Hugs.

[Margm]

Maryann, you can do this.   Someone famous said "we have nothing to fear but fear itself."  I hope I got that close to what was the real quote. So proud of you.

[MartyT]

Dear Maryann, I hope you know that you have your entire GHDG family here pulling for you. I've been driving for more than 50 years, and I'm still terrified by parallel parking. I will go to any length to avoid it entirely. There's a whole lot more to safe driving than parallel parking, and much of it we learn from experience. Driving instructors understand that you are very new to this. Just remember to breathe* and, as Mitch said, to relax as much as you can before you begin ~ and let us know how it goes!

*PS ~ I just Googled "are you scared of driving" and I really like what this fellow says about breathing: 

7-11 breathing? Ah, let me explain.

5) Breathe yourself back into the driving seat

I taught Fred to switch off any anxiety simply by focussing on breathing out more slowly than he breathed in. You can do this to the (quick) mental count of 7 in and 11 out. But the numbers don't matter, just as long as the out-breath is longer than the in-breath.

At first Fred felt that breathing in for 7 seconds was just too difficult, until I explained that it would be for most people. "If you're doing 7 in to 11 out, count fast. Or you can count 5 in and 7 out; it doesn't matter. What matters is that your body can't help but relax when you breathe out more slowly than you breathe in. Breathing in this way gets your parasympathetic nervous system (your relaxation response) responding very quickly."

I taught Fred not just to breathe in this way when he was in his car, but also when he imagined being in his car. "That's interesting," he said, "because I'm sure just recently my breathing has got quicker when I've even thought about driving."

I told him that feeling calm when imagining doing something is a fast-track way of teaching the mind to "tag" that activity as non-threatening, making it easier to relax in that situation for real.

Practice 7-11 breathing and as you do so, imagine driving calmly and confidently. You'll soon experience the difference.

6) Use the power of your mind to overcome the power of your mind

Your mind is very powerful. If that wasn't true, then you wouldn't have developed a fear of driving at all. Fortunately, because our mind is powerful, we can use that power to make positive changes very quickly. Research has shown that we're more able to be motivated to do something if we've imagined viewing ourselves doing that activity from the outside (2).

Take some quiet time to sit or lie down, close your eyes, and breathe out slowly a few times. Then begin to imagine viewing yourself on a TV screen: getting into your car looking calm and confident, driving in different conditions looking relaxed and in control. The more you do this, the more naturally confident you're going to feel.

- See more at: Are You Scared of Driving?

[scba]

Maryann, I don't drive and I am scared to drive. You are taking a big step by trying. 

I hate too what grief has done to my brain and so more. I understand you.

[brat#2]

Maryann, you can do this.  I know it is scary and like Marty said I don't parallel park ever, only to pass the test and I had to do that 3 times before I got it, but I kept on trying.  I know our grief brains are not quite right at this time, but I'm sure you will do fine.  I'm proud of you for taking this step and good luck.

Joyce

 

[Gin]

I had an unexpected tear burst today.  My daughter came over (2 trains and a bus) this morning.  We had breakfast and then I drove her part way home.   On my way home I encountered 2 detours, which really messes me up.  When I finally knew where I was, I burst out crying the rest of the way home.  I am still so upset.  I am sure most of it is Al's absence and some to my not seeing my daughter as much as I would like.  I only get to see her about once a month or less.  The tears sure flow easily.

Gin

 

 

[brat#2]

Gin, I'm sorry you had a rough time getting home, but glad you got to see your daughter.  It's never easy when things aren't as easy as they used to be when our loved one was still here, I feel where you are coming from.  ((hugs))

Joyce

 

 

[mittam99]

Gin, I'm so sorry you felt so much pain today. Everything we do in this new life is harder than it used to be, isn't it?

I think that's what makes our loss so incredibly hard and stressful. It's not just the loss of our beloved (the loss of love), this affects every action we take. Driving, eating, watching tv, paying our bills, decision making, sleeping, doing chores... the list is endless. 

Hugs and hoping your day gets better.

[Gin]

Thanks Mitch and Joyce.  It is just one of those days.  I decided that I should finally change my will, trust, POA, etc.. So now that I finally found them and read them, I came to the conclusion that I had to remove Al as my beneficiary.  Even if it seems crazy, I just hated to remove his name.  I will make an appointment with the lawyer next week.  These things are so hard to do, especially when the only one who would have helped is gone.

Gin

[brat#2]

Gin, I understand, I'm trying to get the courage up to change my will too.  I've pretty much changed the beneficiary on everything else, but the will is really hard to do, but do want to make it easier for those who are left after I'm gone, so I will eventually get it done.  Unfortunately these things will keep coming up and all we can hope for is that they get a little easier to do.

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

Gin, when Steve and I got our wills, we were each other's beneficiaries too.  A few months after he died I had to sit down with our attorney and get things changed over too.  I hated it, but it had to be done.   It's just such a cold thing to have to do when we are a churning mass of emotion.  At least in this, once it is done, it is done.  I was in shock phase and our attorney came to the house making it easier.  Is that a possibility for you?