The big "D"

[Cookie]

I guess you all know I mean depression.  Does anyone else struggle with it in grief.  I started out having terrible anxiety all the time and in just the past few months it's morphed into more depression.  I wake up in the mornings feeling so terrible.  What is this creature that keeps coming at us in all these different forms.  I know it's grief, but it seems to have a life of its own.  The worst thing is that I try so hard to move through this every day, doing all the things "they" say to do, exercising a lot, eating right, going out with friends, keeping as busy as I can, and, yet, I'm not seeing a lot of improvement at 10 months.  A year is coming up and I'm actually hating the beauty of this spring season and summer to follow.  He died June 13th, and it's looming like a monster in my mind.  I would love to enjoy the beauty of spring like I used to, but last year at this time he was desperately trying to live, taking another chemo round, even though he had said he wouldn't do that.  He got so sick and went down fast after that.  How on earth does one get through this.....I must sound like the grinch who stole spring...sorry everyone.  Just struggling with so much sadness and loneliness...missing him so darn much.......Cookie

[brat#2]

Cookie, I completely understand what you are saying.  I'm at 9 months 10 days into this grief "thing" and "thing" is exactly what it is.  I feel like I'm being taken over by the "blob" or some kind of monster and don't know how to battle it, something new every day it seems like.  I still get the anxiety sometimes when I have to leave the house to do an errand, but most of the time now, I feel sad, I guess depressed.  I'm also having problems with my legs hurting, so walking sometimes isn't so good, so that is limiting the activity that I'm doing, so I'm sleeping more now than I have ever done in my life.  If my legs don't keep me awake, I'll sleep 9-10 hours at night and then I'm also napping 1/2 hour at a time a couple times of day.  I never took a nap before.  Anyway, I wish I knew the answer to how to get through this, but just wanted to let you know you are not the only one that is feeling this way and hope we all can help us get through this together.

Joyce

 

 

[Gin]

Cookie and Joyce, let me join your group.  Springtime offers no appeal to me.  We used to do a lot of planting of veggies and flowers.  I want nothing to do with any of it anymore.  Al has been gone 6 months, and nothing helps.  I joined a knitting club and a book club.  Seems pointless.  Still all alone.  I do not care about the weather...I stay in my bedroom most of the time.  The doctor gave me an antidepressant and I had a bad reaction to it.  Will not take anymore.  The days are so long..and the nights.  I too look back to last year at this time.  He was struggling so very much, but at least we were still together.  This grief stuff is so hard.  I guess we are all struggling together.

gin

[kayc]

Being nearly 11 years out, my perspective is going to be different than those of you under a year or two...I love the Spring, esp. after a long winter.  It makes a difference to me because I can't drive at night, so now that the days are longer, it means I can go to things at church at night that I miss all winter long.  In the winter time I can feel disconnected.

But one thing hasn't changed in the nearly 11 years...I would say I have "low grade depression"...not a clinical depression requiring medication, I wouldn't want to take something that alters my brain unless I really needed it, but I definitely don't feel like I used to before George died either.  I remember describing it to someone on the forum a while back like a loss of innocence.  I was carefree and happy...and in one instant everything changed for me.  Everything in my life is defined as a before and after that moment.  Sure, I smile, I enjoy some of my life, but it's nothing on the scale like it used to be.  I miss the person I shared in all of life with, the person I talked everything over with, cuddled with, enjoyed special moments with.   All of life isn't bad.  I've learned self-care.  I've had to learn to enjoy things all by myself even without someone to share it with.  I thank God for my pets, they help me a lot, help me feel like we're a family and we have our routine together.  I've adjusted.  It's been a long time since I expected to hear George's voice on the other end of the phone or see him coming through the door when it opened.  I've gotten used to being alone.  I've gotten used to not having that male appreciative glance when I dress up.  But there's a big difference between getting used to something and relishing how it is.  

Truth is, I do look forward to being with him again.  I know it'll probably be a very long time, but it gives me hope.  I don't live in the future though, one of the things I have learned in this journey is living in the present.  To do otherwise would be to miss whatever good comes our way in our day.  I want to fully enjoy my granddaughter, my pets, and yes even the Spring flowers and fresh scents in the air.  I'm appreciating the break from having to build a fire in the wood stove.  It's enjoyable to go outside and not be pelted with rain and wind.  So for those reasons, I am enjoying the Spring.

I know it's different for you guys.  You're still fresh in your journey and I don't have to think long and hard to remember how that feels.  To me it doesn't feel like ten years ago, it feels like just yesterday.

[Gwenivere]

I'm not liking spring either.  It used to make me happy having warmth and bright sun after months of dark and rain here in Seattle.  Truly one of the most beautiful places I have seen in summer.  I kind of enjoyed it last year, but I was still being protected from the reality.  At 18 months, the depression is the worst it has ever been.  That scares me.  Especially reading posts from people that are doing better after hitting the year mark and all the other anniversaries.  This post probably won't help you guys that are behind me, sorry about that.  But we are all different so just take this as my thing.  

I think about the projects I want to have done this summer and don't know how I'll do it.  And all I have to do is call, tell someone what to do and pay them.  Yet it seems monumental.  All I want to do is sleep too.  Escape.  I know we bounce around on lots of other emotions, but this one seems stuck like glue.

I got a movie in the mail I wanted to see months ago.  But the wife died in it and now I can't handle that being a driving force of the plot.  So back it goes unseen.  

Im thinking maybe I ought to legally change my name to include it.  :-)

[KarenK]

I wish depression had an expiration date, but apparently it does not. My first thought when I wake up each day is to let the dog out. My second is that my husband and daughter are dead. That one repeats itself so many times I have lost count, followed by the constant worrying thoughts of financial woes. I feel like this will never end and I definitely don't like it.

[Clematis]

I can relate to all of this as well. It is nice to not be cold and not worry about wrecking the car in the snow and ice. I enjoy seeing the flowers and I keep reaching out to them, but it's not like last year or even more so the year before, when I was happy overall and flowers threw me into an ecstatic state that filled me with joyous anticipation of painting them. My mood goes up and down, but it's up to zero and then back into the negative range.  The flowers are nice but they don't do much for me-certainly not enough. I painted this two years ago-I spent the entire summer painting flowers, and I m not sure where that woman even is who was so inspired to paint this or if she'll ever come back. In the back of my intellectual mind I think I will someday be in a place inside where I can paint again and be excited by flowers, but it's hard to imagine from where I stand now... - Laura

[Guest]

Depression YES!  I feel it as I wake up and I feel it throughout the day.  About the only time I don't feel it all of the time is when I'm out hiking.  That's why I hike so much; however today I did have a meltdown appear out of nowhere.  Another reason for hiking: I can wail and only the birds and critters are disturbed by it.  Spring in the White Mountains has always been my least favorite simply because it means wind and lots of it.  Being a contact wearer wind has always been a nemesis.  This year, so far has been a beautiful Spring but that saddens me because Deedo would have so loved it.  Last Spring we were in the Valley and that means going from pleasant to WAY TOO DARN HOT and HOW CAN ANYBODY LIVE IN THIS HEAT!  In Pinetop we may have three days a year where the temps get over 90° and then you simply open the window.  But back to the depression; when I'm home I fight sadness most of the time.  First thing when I wake up is the line: "It's so sad to start another day without her."  And then there is the lack of motivation.  Every day I think today is the day I will get some yard work done and then the procrastination sets in.  Big question is Why? For Whom?

Laura that painting is beautiful!  What a gift.  Living surrounded by reservations I can relate to your frustrations.  It's a whole different culture with a whole different set of politics; and lots of tragedy.

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, Cookie said:

 The worst thing is that I try so hard to move through this every day, doing all the things "they" say to do, exercising a lot, eating right, going out with friends, keeping as busy as I can..

I'm not doing any of that. I don't even have any friends. I don't really have any motivation for any of the stuff you're "supposed" to do. I hear my therapist telling me I gotta get out there, but I'm not listening. It sorta makes me feel desperate. Like "Gotta make some friends!"  I also hate better coming weather. "BBQ" weather always made me feel good in the past.

Also, I live in a big city so there is a million things to do when the weather was great, but knowing I have no one to plan any of it with makes it all so sad. I feel alone, forgotten and sad in a world where everyone has something to look forward too.

I know I am depressed. I stay in bed as much as possible  and that's one of the main signs, "Living" in the bed. I was taking my antidepressants but didn't feel any difference. I know I probably wasn't taking them long enough. Another reason I stopped was I didn't want to be bothered with the doctor trips when my refills ran out. That I'm going to the doctor for anti-depressants because of grief makes me even more depressed.

Sometimes I just sigh and feel like wailing thinking about my reality. I still cannot believe it. Seeing my car also brings on a wave of depression knowing how much that meant to us both and the unfairness of all that. I have never been depressed in my life. Even when I got fired I wasn't depressed, just worried for a while. I don't see this lifting. 

 

[Margm]

"In psychology, the term dissociation describes a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality, rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis."

I won't argue that I am certifiable.  When I was fighting cancer, Billy's blood pressure put him in the ICU.  I was only a transcriptionist but things were not adding up to me.  I knew lab values, knew symptoms, and one time I argued with his internal medicine doc.  I got frustrated and went into the bathroom crying in frustration.  Billy asked the doc what was wrong and doc told him I was just worried about him.  He called for more tests instead of discharging him.  Then he called in a nephrologist.  He had high renin levels in his lab work and more tests showed blockage in his renal arteries.  He had stents put in two renal arteries.  (He had three arteries).  I was working full time at a teaching hospital, evenings for three family practice doc's, and week ends at another hospital.  I had plenty of time to take off of my main job with annual leave saved up.  But, the tension played havoc with my mind and I started something called dissociation.  My shrink said it is a thing your mind does to protect itself when it just cannot take it anymore.  I call it "numbing down" and I can still do it.  It does not work every time, but sometimes when there is no solution I get numb. 

I go to bed each night with meditations and music that goes with it  I wear ear buds and I don't know how much sinks in.

[kayc]

Laura,

Your painting is beautiful, you're very talented.  I hope you get back the desire someday.  I know what you mean though, I've made cards for over 30 years and anymore I don't have that inner desire.  That is sad, it used to bring me so much pleasure.  I hope the desire to comes back again...

Margaret,

I hope it's sinking in.  Sometimes it goes into our subconscious even if we're asleep and not aware of it.

[Clematis]

I think it takes a lot of energy and motivation to do "all that stuff you're supposed to do". I'm not doing very well at it either. I have eaten a lot more macaroni & cheese, ice cream, and Lucky Charms than I have in a long time. I know it won't last, and If I gain a couple of pounds I will lose them once I feel better. But a lot of days, my cat gently massaging my face and knowing that a box of Lucky Charms sits on top of the fridge is enough to get me out of bed. Then I go on from there.

Grief is difficult and draining. It's hard to make friends, exercise, and cook fabulously healthy food when you feel flattened, and anti-depressants aren't necessarily effective for bereavement since bereavement and depression are not exactly the same thing as the other; there's just commonality. I am not a grief counselor-more of a garden variety counselor, and I would be quick to say that grief is not my specialty. Finding myself in the midst of a significant grief process, I'm learning but am as bewildered as anyone by some of what I have experienced. 

I was talking to a friend (who is a psychiatrist) on the phone the other night, and she suggested talking to my GP about an antidepressant and I said respectfully "no thanks-I don't think so". She is my friend and thus cannot diagnose me, I cannot diagnose myself even though I own and am qualified to use a DSM, and I'm not sure my GP, wonderful as he is, is qualified either to do this; he's a generalist. 

I do, however, trust that my hospice grief counselor is probably on target when he tells me that what I am experiencing is normal for what I am going through at the stage where I am-three months out. It seems to me that if you want an accurate diagnosis for the purpose of medication, that it would be best to see a professional who is qualified in this area. Aside from that, it seems to me that it's a good idea to listen to everything with a good filter. Take in and try things that seem like a good idea, and don't worry about advice that doesn't suit you--or that you just can't do. Just my thoughts...

[Clematis]

Thank you, KayC for complimenting my painting. I hope to get pack to it this summer. I have a trip planned to Hawaii with two friends, and I'll bring my watercolor supplies no matter what I am feeling like. Once there, I will probably "get back on the horse" and paint some flowers. This summer will definitely not end up being like either of the past two summers of basking in the golden summer painting flowers, if nothing else but that I have the big job of combining my dad's and my own condo's stuff into one, while navigating the "river of grief" and fending off the crocodiles (my sisters). But perhaps a little flower painting will find its way in there, even after returning from Hawaii...

[kayc]

You are right.  We may feel depressed but it's not the same as being clinically depressed.  My doctor offered me antidepressants when my George died but I declined.  I told him this was situational, and since he's not coming back, I'd better get used to it.

[iPraiseHim]

I was depressed back in my 20's but this grief is different. Some of the symptoms are similar but the cause is totally different.

Laura, your flower painting is beautiful. I did not get that artistic gene. 

In the early stages, I was so shocked, I was just trying to figure out what happened my mind and heart just couldn't comprehend such loss.  I wanted to wake up from this nightmare and go back to the life we had together.  I kept wanting this emotional pain to subside and get back to "normal".  Well, I never was normal before so I don't know how I even thought that was going to happen.  Over time, as I continue to live and work through this grief, my perspective about this afterlife ( after my wife's death) continues to change.  I still work like before but I realize I don't allow others try to make me feel a certain way.  Like I should be over this.  I will never get over this. I still cry, mourn, grieve.  I also am learning to take better care of myself. Have learned about the therapeutic benefits of essential oils, natural healing treatments, personal protection, and try to help others when I am able.  I realized most of the "outside world"( outside this grief sanctuary) doesn't think, contemplate, or comprehend what we are going through.  I am learning to go easier on myself and also stretch myself in areas I would never have before. 

The day my wife died, was the most tragic and shocking event in my life.  But that day does not define my love for My wife, Rose Anne.  For we lived between the dashes.  The time we met May 2, 1989 to the time she departed this earth, February 16, 2015.  The first year of Grief I call Round One.  I was pummeled and knocked down on the mat so many times that I didn't want to get up.  Why bother.  But I know that to succeed in life I just need to keep getting up.  So at 14 months, I am in ROUND TWO. Grief is still landing some serious blows but I am gradually beginning to get up quicker (at times).  This journey is not a sprint, It is our life marathon.  I need to pace myself and keep on keeping on.  Hopefully, I can help a fellow grieving to pick up and run this afterlife marathon.  Shalom - George

[Clematis]

George, I believe that the deeper love, the deeper the grief, and that the more intertwined you were with the person you lost, the more intertwined you will remain. The relationship doesn't end because the person no longer breathes and eats food; it changes, and it changes to something that you never wanted. So many of my early conversations with people after my dad died ended with my sobbing, "...and he's never coming back!"

I guess I am still partly in the denial state. I watched a movie the night before last called Hachi, about a dog who showed up every day at the train station at 5:00 waiting for his owner to get off the train-for ten years after the guy died. This was based on a true story, although it was actually nine years. Hardly matters-it left me wondering about my own future. I am still living in my dad's condo, and have changed very little, other than giving away most of his clothes and replacing them with my own. I had a dream the night after watching the movie that my dad walked in the front door (younger and stronger and without the Parkinson's), and I was SO happy that I was there, sleeping in the daybed of his second bedroom and everything was still more or less the same for him!

And so I think, am I going to be like Hachi and be sleeping in that little daybed waiting for him to come home for ten years? Well, probably not, because I actually am making some progress, and also because I can't stay here forever. My sisters very much want me to hurry it up and get out of his condo and get the estate settled so they can get their share of whatever money that is left, and the sooner I do it, the more they will get.  I have my own condo a couple of blocks away, and I will eventually get our things consolidated into mine. Probably most of this will happen this summer because I have ten weeks off from work. I have a number of people lined up to help me. And since he had nicer furniture and whatnot, probably a lot of what I owned will be sold, given to thrift, or tossed. At some point I'll replace my carpeting and move back into my house, which will look more like his does now than mine ever did. Kind of living in the past? Maybe. Probably...

When a close friend friend was killed in a hit and run bicycle accident, I couldn't believe anything could hurt so much. I went to work the next day and they just sent me home because I couldn't stop crying. But it was a relatively short-lived grief. 

My losing my dad-like your losing your wife-is very different because the bonds are so much deeper. I don't think I will ever be over losing my dad, but he is part of me. He lives inside my very DNA. I am built like him and have lived my life like him in many ways. He was my hero and my strength and my inspiration. I was sad when my mother died 11 years ago, but it was much less because for me it was always about him-good or bad. He is part of me and was ripped out, and nevertheless, he is still here. I hear him talking to me, and yet he is not here.

My sisters' greed and ickiness is upsetting to me, but the attorney assures me that if I can pull this off in the time frame I am working on, it would actually be very fast, and not slow like my sisters see it. So I am probably not in danger of them pulling anything. But it is sort of amazing that they are not staggering in grief. But they weren't bonded to him like I, and so their grief is not the same. Also, he was really a different person ten years ago when I coaxed him out west to join me and for me to take care of him. He was the same person, but not to them, and so the grief was different... I know this was kind of long, George, but does it make sense?

Shalom, Laura

[MartyT]

It makes total sense, Laura. You are one wise lady. Thank you for sharing your insights. (And your painting is amazing!)

As many of you have acknowledged, there is a real and distinct difference between clinical depression and the situational depression that accompanies normal grief. I prefer to use the word "sorrow" instead of "depression," as I think it is a more accurate and less confusing term. I've written on this topic myself and have collected a number of helpful articles written by others, and I invite you to take some time to browse through some of them listed below ~ and note the links to all the related readings listed at the base of each:

Interview: Are We Medicating Normal Grief?

Coping with Sorrow in Grief

Voices of Experience: Grief And Depression: Are They Different?

How Can The World Go On When My Loved One Has Died?

Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter?

[kayc]

Laura,

I remember Hachi, one of the most heart wrenching movies ever made, what a wonderful loyal dog.  They made a statue in his honor.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

So at 14 months, I am in ROUND TWO. Grief is still landing some serious blows but I am gradually beginning to get up quicker (at times).  This journey is not a sprint, It is our life marathon.  I need to pace myself and keep on keeping on.  Hopefully, I can help a fellow grieving to pick up and run this afterlife marathon.  Shalom - George

It's amazing how different this hits us all.  I am finding round 2 much harder.   Almost paralyzing at times.  The relief valves (crying,  trying motivational thoughts, grief attacks, etc) aren't as effective.  I had read for some it hits later even stronger and my luck ran that way.  Round 1 was hell, I can't think of a word to describe things now.  Somehow it became more real.  Or maybe because I am experiencing a longer time away from him.  The longest ever.  Patience with this is very hard but I know there are no shortcuts.

[Patty65]

2 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

In the early stages, I was so shocked, I was just trying to figure out what happened my mind and heart just couldn't comprehend such loss.  I wanted to wake up from this nightmare and go back to the life we had together.  I kept wanting this emotional pain to subside and get back to "normal".  Well, I never was normal before so I don't know how I even thought that was going to happen. 

That so describes exactly how I feel now.  I am staring at the metaphorical clock, in excrutiating pain, waiting for the timer to go off and it to be over.  Or maybe it's an alarm and I'll wake up. I never did have the urge to run a marathon. 

[Gwenivere]

Patty, I feel just as you feel.  I hear that clock ticking loudly all the time.  I know it won't get all better, but I keep waiting for some relief!  

[hollowheart]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  Or maybe because I am experiencing a longer time away from him.  The longest ever.

Yeah, I never went this long without seeing or hanging out with my sister. She was my #1,2,3  for socializing, so sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. So much time apart feels odd and frustrating.

[Margm]

Talking about "signs" on another thread/forum/other part of these forums, I called my old psychiatrist early on.  I got my "sign."  She had just retired.  She knew me, did not care to introduce myself to someone else.  Besides, now they would send me to Geriatric.  That would hurt my feelings just like the first time Kroger asked if I wanted my senior discount.  The nerve of some people!!!!!  After I got to thinking about it, it was a good idea, the `10% paid taxes anyhow.  Only offered on a Tuesday, I think, and that was so many years ago I don't know if they still do that.  

[kayc]

Margaret, I am elated to get a senior discount any time I can!  I figure it's earned!

[Margm]

16 minutes ago, kayc said:

Margaret, I am elated to get a senior discount any time I can!  I figure it's earned!

Me too.