If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

18 dogs?  I can't even imagine!  But some people have had that many kids too and I sure can't imagine that!

 

I've had many cats over the years and no two were even similar.  So much so that I don't see how they can be stereotyped!

[Polly]

I have 10 cats! Yes, I'm the cat lady. Rich loved the cats. He would talk to them all the time. They would follow him every where he went. Now I have to take care of them by myself. Well my 16 year old daughter helps a little bit.

Well my step son still hasn't cut my grass. It's been 2 weeks. I'm not sure why. He lives on the main road and my house is on the side road behind his mom's house. When I asked him months ago to show me how to use the lawnmower he told me not to worry that he would take care of it. But now all of a sudden he hasn't. My lawn looks like a jungle. I just don't know what to do about it. guess i'm going to have to either text him tomorrow to see what he says or find someone else to help me. or try to figure it out on my own. it's a big lawnmower. it's called the tank. I'm kind of hurt that he hasn't been over or let me know why he hasn't cut the grass.

[kayc]

Is there a neighbor that'd be willing to show you how to use the lawnmower?  I know how it feels, they say to ask for help but then you can't count on people.

[Gwenivere]

As long as I tolerate my neighbors chickens spreading my bark on the driveway, they mow my lawn.  Uh, the neighbors, not the chickens.  

[DawnMarie]

Hi everyone. I hope you don't mind me stepping in here. 

I am lost on the show and the earlier subject.  But Terri, I too feel that my 'pets' are not just animals. They are family, and even though it's difficult for me right now, they're still all I have left of our family.  I was blessed the day after James died when it relates to our girls. The people that picked me up after James flatlined, I was in complete and total shock. Before I knew It, we were at their house and since I had to stay focused on controlling my emotions, I didn't object because I made sure I channelled them correctly.  Having no transportation, being at the mercy of those that have no moral obligation to your needs, during a very needy time it's better to stay focused on yourself, you have to.  Our truck had broke down in the alley of what was once our home, scammed into, but still home for 5 years to our family. It was there for a couple weeks and less then 18 hours after James died, I get a call it's being towed. The driver wouldn't talk to me and said to call the police. I did and bawling , I begged to stop him. Dispatch had the officer call me and I was begging not to TAKE the truck. Explained James just died, no I HADN'T went to DMV yet, broke down and parts were already ordered, and bawling. There was no talking to the cold hearted vulture, the first of many. I threw the dang phone so distraught. I got a call back asking if I wanted anything out of the back and I literally couldn't think.  For 3 days I forgot the motor to our son's car, all our camping gear, tool box full, king size waterbed mattress draped over as it rained days before..... Gone...I COULDN'T think at that point because I was instantly worried about the dogs and wanted to go home right then. I had to be picked up, for reasons I won't air, and when I got there sure enough the gate was open and they were not in the back.  I started to freak when I heard them in the garage and cried like a baby when I got to hold them. But sadly, little was gone, as if James took her with him.  I got home just in time too, as animal control showed up.  She, however, was a little sympathetic and seeing they indeed had water and food and confirmed they WEREN'T just left behind she didn't put them in jail.  I had offers for a place to stay, without my girls. I put leashes on them, and chose the streets. I couldn't, COULDN'T LOSE anybody or ANYTHING else. I wanted to die..  I was BLESSED that day.

[kayc]

DawnMarie,

None of us could think straight the days following our spouse's death.  I feel the way you do about my furry family and could not live without them.

None of us went through the additional horrors of being homeless and without our vehicles right after losing our spouse, but I thought earlier you said you were staying with someone?

[DawnMarie]

KayC, 

James passed away March 23.  So that was a glimpse into the 24th ad 25th of March.  In fact, Little and Sugar were the last two of Chancee's puppies we had left and James, being the lover he was, had fallen in love with Little after he brought her back home one day.  He had warned the family that adopted her that if he found her outside in the street alone again, he was going to take her home.  Sure enough, he found her in the street again and back home she came.  Despite the stress and difficulties, we took care of them.  Little I am sure was taken in and Sugar was adopted by an older lady that lived alone just a day before I walked away and never looked back.

I have been blessed in so many ways and so many different times since then and looking back I can honestly say that I look at things allot differently today.  For one, I don't for one heartbeat of a second, believe that the 'loss of the truck'  was anything other then an enormous financial 'come up' in favor of the tow company and I am sure as God is my witness, as organized as it can get, that cop got a big kick back for his share and role in the scene.  Do I believe it was conspired, yep I do.  (i'm sorry, I can't help myself sometimes)  The legal definition for the word conspiracy is as follows:  an agreement between two or more persons to commit a crime, fraud, or wrongful act.   Simple.  And, I don't care which organized or disorganized 'group' of people it happens to be, but to knowingly and willfully, control any action/s that causes undo extreme emotional duress upon a grieving widow of LESS THEN 24 HOURS, is of an immoral standard of human decency and is considered foul.  To use the power of authority to inflict more trauma when the very same power of authority is meant to protect or save you from trauma... sheds light on CAN but WONT... did you know that not even GANG MEMBERS would be accepted within their own family structure to do that?  Any elder of any family is expected to step in if made aware of a situation like this.  Respect for mankind, expect for human decency, and not a savage way of living.  It is the civil way to live in any society.  

Jamers would be proud of me right now.  I was taken in by a lady at 4 am, with my two dogs, a few weeks ago now.  I have been, whats considered homeless, twice now.  One pretty much by force since James's death.  One by choice because of my own ETHICAL AND MORAL reasons.  Let me emphasize here SINCE James's death, but I believe in the POWER of the Holy Spirit.  Sure I am dealing with allot.  Those that will take advantage of a situation WILL have to answer for that in their own time, just like I will have to answer for myself in my time.  But I love who I am, what I stand for, and I am still surviving despite the evilness of this world.

Now back to chocolate ice cream for breakfast.   Now I need to decide what I want to do afterwards.  I really love being grown up!  

Truthfully, my plate is full of what needs to be done as trust me, there are other entities that i refuse to let get away with trying to beat me. 

in two days, is yet another one of what we all have faced or are about to face on the road we are on.  James's birthday.  My ex has completely cut off ALL communication with my boys.  I retrieved the motorcycles from 'storage' but somehow the one I had expected to be my savior from the chains that bind me, was maliciously disabled during its "guarded" protection.  And since the prepaid $1000.00 insurance premium has fallen under the protection of bankruptcy...... God it is only obvious what IS the root of ALL EVIL. 

Thank you for letting me ramble on, I feel better now.

[TerriL]

Polly, I know about the lawn thing. I fired the lawn service I had been using since I didn't think they were doing that exceptional a job for the money. My grass was actually dying because they continued to cut when it didn't need it (and we weren't getting rain) and the commercial mower they used was creating circular patches of dirt. When it would pivot to turn, it would rip the grass right up out of the ground and it started to look like the golf course in Caddyshack! (Unfortunately, Bill Murray didn't show up. lol) It was getting fairly long (and my hedges need trimming now, too) and my neighbor down the street finally offered to come down and mow it. It's short now, but it needs weed-whacking. I'm not about to attempt that. I'm sure I'd end up appearing to have been lashed with a cat o'nine tails. 

Gwen, when I read your post, at first I thought, "Wow! Those are some talented chickens!" HAHA!!! 

[TerriL]

Dawn Marie,

I know firsthand that there are corrupt officers as well as the tow truck services. Years and years ago, Paul and I went out to eat at our favorite barbecue place. There was a valet service and a county sheriff that stood guard at the front of the restaurant. Next to the place was a parking lot of a strip mall, but all the stores were closed at night. Paul parked the car himself in one of the parking lot spaces and we both walked up to the sheriff's deputy, pointed to where our car was and asked him if we were okay parking there. He told us "Oh sure! That's fine! No problem!" So, we happily went inside and had a great dinner. We came out, looked over at the empty spot where our car had been and we look up at the street and there went our car, down the road, attached to the back of a tow truck. That same deputy was still standing there and my husband began yelling at him and calling him a crook. He reminded the guy that he had told us it was FINE to park where we were and asked him how much he was getting in kick backs from that tow truck company. The officer threatened to arrest my husband if he didn't stop yelling at him and all these people around us saw and heard what was going on. One couple, who had gone in at the same time as we had and HEARD the officer tell us our car was okay where it was, offered us a ride to the tow truck compound. When we arrived there, all the men in that place were total slime balls. I said to the head slime ball, "May I just ask one question?" and he barks at me, "NO!!! Shut up!!!" The dinner had cost us about forty dollars that night and then, it cost us another two or three hundred to get the car back. It's pretty well known that all over South Florida there are tow truck scams going on all the time and I have no doubt that some of them involve officers of the law. 

[kayc]

I think the tow truck scams are everywhere, unfortunately, I've been on the receiving end of that.  Our car was towed from the place we were renting in our own driveway and we had to spend all night looking for it and pay to get it back even though we shouldn't have been liable.  It's horrible and unjust.

I'm sorry you went through all that, DawnMarie, I don't have any answers, but I hope it does help to vent here.

[DawnMarie]

Yes they are.  It has been well known that they are part of what is, in fact, generating revenue on top of the already taxed to death citizens.  

look at this:

let me know if  you are able to see this

kern.txt

[DawnMarie]

KayC,

I am not sure of your beliefs.  I see you are active in your church.   But I don't assume I interpret anything correctly, because it is not right for me to do that without hearing it from you. like in a conversation with you so that I can guarantee I have not misunderstood anything.  Because, it would be doing you an injustice as well as not following His word if I was not correct and thus, making some form of a judgement and a wrong one at that based off of what I assumed.    

When James died, I don't know how anyone else started out their experience with the grieving process, but I do know where I started mine.  I know that we all go through the exact same process, however, the different phases we may not experience at the same time or in the same order.  

Guilt, regret, pain..oh God the pain... but for me, I had been angry at God for a hot minute.  For 3 years I blamed Him for what happened next, in the beginning of a chain of events and that almost killed me then.  I attempted suicide, because of what was happening to US at the time, and went through the process which ultimately caused  PTSD.  On top of that, mourning what I felt was the murder (although metaphoric) of part of MY family.     And eventually I lost ALL of my 'family', the last of what was my whole world, was James....besides the dogs.

I swear I should just write a flippen book with ALL OF THE THINGS in my life that I have experienced.  But not to gain sympathy or fortune and fame.  But because it is His will that is going to be done for me no matter what and I can take the easy way or the hard way to do it.   But its the lessons He teaches that i am to learn.  Life's lessons, through experience that gives me a better knowledge for the future.  Knowledge that, as history repeats itself at times, the lessons I learned the hard way gives me a choice to try again with the hopes of successful outcomes.  Because it is this point that knowledge becomes wisdom.  

Today, I am no longer angry at God.  I realize, as I have been awakened to the true world I live in, it was not God who was at fault...but the fault of the evil around us and the evil that distracted my attention to blame God.  I should have stayed grounded strong in my faith in God.  James never once lost his sight of that and tried to .  

Today, I rejoice in knowing that James is in the presence of Lord God our Savior.  He is protecting me and clearing my path I believe, because he would never just 'leave' me.  

I also know, today i am stronger.  Stronger in my faith, stronger in my knowledge. Stronger in my beliefs.  And i feel privileged that, what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, because those are Gods chosen that will continue to do His will and continue to fight the evil until He takes me home, or He makes His glorious appearing. 

I also know that we have the ability to learn from what others have had to go through.  Not just by listening to them, but opening up our hearts and minds.  

Nobody has all the answers and it is ok.   Look at where I have come in just 3 months.  Not completely on my own, but I am having to do it alone.

 

[kayc]

I feel like I'm coming in on the middle of your story without knowing the background so sometimes I am not sure what you are referring to, but I imagine I'll learn more as you share.

I am a Christian, and my faith has helped me tremendously in my journey.  And you're right, there are a lot of lessons to be learned on this journey, and it has been rich, although difficult.  I sang "It is Well" at my husband's funeral because I felt it was important to make that statement even in the middle of all of the pain and confusion.  

Out of respect for the different beliefs here we don't  proselytize,  but we can share our faith, so long as it isn't telling someone else how to believe or disrespectful to them.

At three months out I had way more questions than answers!

[Margm]

Girls, I am butting in without reading all of this.  I have to spend the night in the apartment tonight to be there for the cable people early.  Took almost a week for this to happen.  I am used to DISH and don't know how this will work, but my daughter has this cable and internet and it is good as I have in Mt. Ida.  An apartment would not let me have a DISH put on the roof, naturally.

I was given a grief book by the people who help take care of my mom.  It says it is natural for us to be angry at God.  Now, I would imagine that is meant for people that have our  belief.  But, it was put out by a church group.  It did not scold but let us know it happens. 

I'm sorry I don't have time to read.  Maybe tomorrow when I have internet at the apartment I can read things.  But then I have to go finish up in Mount Ida and will see how things go there. 

I hate going back to Arkansas.  Necessary evil.  I like my apartment in Minden.  I even like hearing people everywhere around. 

 

[Margm]

Marty, all of the rest of you, moving is not a good idea at any time.  I have 16 of the giant boxes with handles filled.  I cannot tell I have removed anything from this  house.  I am going to have to hire someone to come in and help me.  I am at the end of my rope and just do not know what to do.  Well, one thing I need to do is to get off this forum that I am addicted to, the people who are suffering so bad, the hurting we are all going through and quit procrastinating.  I will try.  

I just had a mini-major breakdown in front of people.  Scott had put a big ladder against the house and I kept walking under it so I threw it to the side, only I threw it onto four lines of something.  I was scared to move the big ladder.  I called city hall (these are wonderful people) and called Entergy, my electric company.  Both had to put up with a blubbering mound of possible humanity.  Okay, nothing major.  Now I have people coming over to get my husband's and son's weights, couch and desk.

I am one wreck of a person right now.  I tell you, institutions would lock the doors if they saw me coming.  Doctors would hide in closets.  I am not kidding.........well, maybe a little.  I'm gonna be okay.  I just blubbered a whole roll of towel paper away.  I'm okay.

[enna]

Marg,

You are going to be OK. I like your sense of humor. I know it's hard and can't imagine how hard it must be to be moving. Soon that part will be over and you will be able to relax a little more. You are doing great. Remember, one hour, one day at a time. And keep in mind that we are all part of your family now. 

Anne

[Margm]

Okay, I promise you I was not okay a couple of hours ago.  If my granddaughter had not been here, I would be in some padded room.  This is not so much an exaggeration that it still can be laughed at.  I had weights (yes, my son and Billy were body builders, to  some extent) and I had so many sets of weights all I could do was look at them.  My daughter's "significant other" told me to call Theresa (a friend with grandsons) who could use the weights.  I also told her I had the couch and desk.  A few minutes earlier I put my hands on Billy's urn and told him I had done all I could, it was too much for me, I had to have help.  The Theresa who came out does these things for a living.  Anything I don't want she will bring me boxes to put the stuff in.  I have all kinds of stuff I don't want, cannot carry with me.  Not only that, we will rent a moving truck and she has grandsons and a football team that will move me.  I know it won't be cheap, but I will be gone from here in two weeks and then having to decide what to do with all the junk in my apartment.

I don't know if Billy heard me.  I don't have that magic back yet, but I am not as much a doubting Thomas as I was when I threw the ladder on the wires.

[kayc]

Okay, take a deep breath!  And another!  You WILL be okay!  Maybe not right now, now it's okay to scream, but a month or two from now this will all be okay.  Okay, maybe six months from now, but you're going to make it through this!  I like the football team idea!  That means I can't move until I have a grandson (first thing) on a football team!

[Polly]

oh marg! hang in there!!!! You will get through this.

[TerriL]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through Marg. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff this week myself and had my own meltdown the other day. Honestly, there are days where it all seems too much and I'm yelling at Paul to come back because we're still supposed to be together, doing all this "life stuff" as a couple. When I've "disappeared" for a short time from this forum, it's when I've had to juts stop everything and just "be" for a while. I'm still trying to figure myself out without having my life/love partner with me any longer. It isn't easy.

Well----I just had to go answer the phone. It was our storage unit place where we have some furniture and other things stored. Apparently, I forgot to pay this month and she wanted to call me before any late charges were applied. Usually, I get an email telling me the payment is due and I pay it then. This month, I did not get an e-mail and that's why it's late. Eventually, I will be having to pack up the stuff in that unit and try to find some room for most of it in my small home. Paul and I had planned on moving and using that furniture in a new home with a little more room in it. Now, I'll have to sell off the nice Queen-sized bedroom set in storage. There's no way that bed and the dresser and table would fit in a bedroom in this 1956-built home. The linen closet in my hallway appears to have been built for Barbie-doll sized towels and linens. So, I will get off of here for now so I can go pay that bill online. 

[Margm]

Well, WW, I knew you were involved in something.  I think I get too addicted to this forum, but somehow I can let the wound bleed here, then I have to go back to the real world and act like a walking robot, which I am.  

I'm sorry about the furniture.  I so very much understand about plans that won't get lived.  But, how can I fuss?  I had 54 years of plans, but Billy and I were ageless and had 54 more years planned.  Life sure slaps you in the face sometimes.  I always call it God thinking I am such a comedian that it is him laughing at my "plans."  

[TerriL]

Yes, SW, my brother in law came by several days ago and began draining my swimming pool (it's less than a foot deep now and we discovered there are actually tadpoles swimming around in there! HAHA! I've got new pets!), then I discovered some warning lights on the dashboard of the only car I drive---my PT Cruiser---were on and that got taken to the garage. There was something wrong in the power steering and $176.00 later, that's been fixed. Then, when i was outside the next morning, I noticed that part of my mahogany tree is hanging right over my roof and touching part of it, so my brother in law is going to have his tree guy come out and take a look, give mean estimate for that. Then, the pension board meeting, where they were supposed to hold some kind of final vote about our money having to be taken out, was approaching and I was trying to write a speech, thinking I may have to attend it. However, my car ended up in the shop, I woke up feeling unwell and I decided that I didn't feel like having to beg for something that's rightfully mine anyway! My husband worked for these benefits legitimately, under a signed contract---he didn't steal anything from anyone. Now I'm supposed to stand before these jerks and tell them all my personal hardships? That is so not me. It's the same reason I dropped the disability claim for the Social Security benefits. I'm too proud for my own good maybe, but I have to live with myself every day and I want to look in the mirror and like who I see. My integrity is important to me and nothing would be worse for me than feeling as if I'd sold my soul for a few extra bucks. Maybe that's just evidence of how lucky I truly am in life to be able to remain proud and not pander to anyone for extra money. I have no doubt that others are not so fortunate and have really no choice but to do whatever they must to get financial help and benefits. So, I am very, very grateful. Either way, they ended up not voting right away on anything, pending some outcome of a decision that needs to be made by the city. So, for now, my money is still right where it should be---another thing for which I'm feeling blessed. Then, a good friend of mine called me with horrible news. Her granddaughter was delivered stillborn and that hit me very hard. She had shared the ultrasounds with me and the news when they discovered it was a girl. I would hear all the latest news before anyone else because she knows when I promise to keep something secret, I am even more secure than Fort Knox. Her daughter in law was having problems and then, the amniotic fluid began leaking. They tried to save the baby, but she had already stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating. The poor mother had to deliver the baby, knowing she was already gone. It's just so heartbreaking. This is why I worship Nature as the Divine and vice versa. I feel that the Divine just is---it's a powerful, inherently intelligent force in the Universe and anyone can harness it, for good or bad. It's the only thing that makes any real sense to me, personally, in this crazy world. 

I agree with you, Marg. We are ALL ageless and had so many more plans in the world that should have been lived. Now, they won't. Or if they are still lived, it will never be in the same way. That has been the hardest part for me. Coming to the realization that nothing will EVER be the way it was before. That kind of life is now over. I'm completely lost. 

[TerriL]

You know, June isn't even over yet and it is extremely HOT out!!! The thermometer on my back patio reads 96 degrees. I can feel it in the house even with the AC on. Anyone else experiencing crazy heat? (I can't imagine what the midwest must feel like, since we at least have an ocean breeze.)

[KarenK]

Terri,

Here in Phoenix, it is relatively cool for a summer day. Only 105 right now. Last week, we had a day of 117. Now, that is HOT. Most people learn when to stay inside, but we have several heat related deaths each year. Tourists do not understand this heat and insist on hiking our small hills or bike riding with very little water. I have lived here for 60 years and know what to expect.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

Well, WW, I knew you were involved in something.  I think I get too addicted to this forum, but somehow I can let the wound bleed here, then I have to go back to the real world and act like a walking robot, which I am.  

I have been having that addiction feeling.  I know when I have to step out because it's too hard to read the posts.  Too much pain.  I really wish I could feel like a robot, Marg.  There was a time I could, but not anymore.  I can't escape it ever these days.  My counselor says this will ease, maybe so.  In the meantime I don't know how to deal with feeling I just want to do anything to stop the pain.  I don't like that my mind often goes to the ultimate extreme about that.

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

That has been the hardest part for me. Coming to the realization that nothing will EVER be the way it was before. That kind of life is now over. I'm completely lost. 

That is where I am too, Terri.  Things have come up that require me to make plans for things when I die or if something happens with medical directives that I want known before someone can get to my will.  Info for EMTs and such.  All things Steve would have known and wouldn't involve my having to set this up to avoid getting stuck on life support as once you are, it gets messy.  Plus care for our dogs.  The legal world is cold to navigate when you are in tremendous pain.  Anyway, it is that realization that NOTHING is as it was.  Never will be.  What it has done is drive the spike deeper he is gone and never coming back.  I was there for him for all these things.  It makes me wonder just how many more straws I can take on my back before it shatters.  Feeling lost and alone from the moment you wake up til you sleep and even in dreams is truly hell on earth.