If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

It's not my birthstone, but to me it is the prettiest.  I am so glad something good happened for you Karen.  We all need a key to a treasure box.  I am glad you got out too.  

[kayc]

Gwen,

It seems like you have one day after another to make it through, that is so hard.  I just want you to know I'm thinking of you as you go through it.

I was invited to someone's house for TG dinner, but their family (that I don't know) will be there and it just feels like I'd be horning in on someone else's family time, plus they don't know what time they'll eat and since I can't drive at night, I don't want to remind them of my time constraints, so I think I'll decline.  My neighbor's plans fell through for TG so I could ask him to watch my dog while I go to my son's but the in-laws will have taken over and I'd rather go there when it's quieter and I can enjoy my granddaughter...plus it seems insensitive to say, "well sorry about your TG, can you watch my dog?"!  So I think I'll ask him to go with me to the Methodist Church for TG dinner like we did last year so we can get out with others and not be alone all day, maybe I can travel to my son's another time, weather permitting, between now and Christmas.  

 

Karen,

I'm glad you had something good happen, we need that once in a while to lift our spirits.  Amethyst is one of my favorites, I love the color and have a set, mine's kind of periwinkle blue.

[Margm]

This apartment really holds the heat and we have not needed the furnace.  The maintenance man lives down the street a tiny bit, he told me to call on him anytime (he lives in an apartment also).  Throughout my marriage, thermostats and me have warred.  Billy would put a taped note beside the thermostat explaining to me if I wanted it warmer to touch such and such and vice versa.  If it was just me, I would have worn a sweater.  Bri does not complain about anything, but it got down to 32 last night, or was forecast to do that.  I wanted to let the maintenance man have the week end off.  I changed the batteries in the little box.  There were no levers anywhere for heat or cold.  Buttons to push, none said heat or cold, just up and down temperatures.  

Little bitty tiny things.  Sometimes I feel like David with the slingshot and every problem is a Goliath.  We are warm now.  The front of the box opened if you pushed it just right in the middle.  

When I first got married I missed my mighty protector Daddy running around the house outside in all weather with his shotgun in his boxer shorts if I woke him hearing anything.  Billy was more thorough, he told me to go check to see what it was.  Still, after a lifetime of a man looking out for me, I will quote that song from Tammy Wynnette (I think) "Sometimes its hard to be a woman."  I guess you men can say almost the same thing.

Two things done last week.  Car bought, thermostat challenge conquered.  Billy would be proud of me about the thermostat, although if he had been here we would not have been in an apartment anyhow and I knew how to work the one on the RV.  

[kayc]

My mobile home does NOT hold the heat, I've gone through a ton of wood already this season.  I think I started fires in Sept.  It's a long winter here.  I had someone out about the ducting that needs replaced and they want to replace my thermostat with a digital one, I don't see the point, the thermostat works fine even when the electricity is out, a digital one wouldn't. I can't really use the furnace until I get the windows taken care of as I don't care to heat the whole town on my bill.   

[Margm]

Believe me, we actually have cold weather down in the swamps.  We had colder up in AR.  I remember living up in the little mountains they had and it frosted on October 7th, one year. Stay safe and warm Kay.  

[kayc]

I've had snow in October many years and in latter years, snow in May.  Long long winters...

And now I need to go to the dentist and I don't know when, it's supposed to snow this week and then there's TG, and no one will be working.  The tooth I paid $1,000 to get fixed two months ago still tastes and smells like decay.  Something's not right.  If I'd known this is how it'd go, I'd have just had it pulled and saved myself the money.

[Margm]

I'm honestly to the point I don't know what I like about weather.  Louisiana has a lot of swampland, but it can get cold here.  Not too much snow.  I think I am still in that fog that does not too much matter, except making sure I help my granddaughter.  Saw my son tonight, first time in about a month.  He has been in training in NM.  Goes back at end of January but taking the RV with him then.  Sure a lot of snow buildup at that time of year on interstates.  Fiddle dee-dee, I'll think about that tomorrow.  Stay warm Kay.

[Margm]

Went for my first "joy ride" in my little clown car.  I had looked forward to it.  Getting to know the car, being by myself, talking to Billy.  I started talking to Billy about our trips, about all the good things and fun we had had.  I honestly had a lifetime with Billy.  My 17-18-years-before him were insignificant, another person.  Did I love him the first years?  I cannot say.  I was comfortable with him, he was nice to wake up to, and so very gentle and sweet to me.  He also could be a horrible person with his problems from his mom's running around on his dad and his distrust of me.  I went through such mental abuse after awhile, but I had a young child.  I was not beat down..  I have a spirit that is not turn the cheek but "I will take revenge."  Such children.  We grew up with our kids.  He was my best friend and acknowledged his abuse and apologized in later years. Yes I loved him, more than myself, more than life.  No, he was not perfect, but he had married a very imperfect child and we complimented each other, even at bad times.  The road was bumpy for about half the marriage, but we never could leave it.  I'm glad.  But, I would have gladly shared if she could get him off the poisonous oral tobacco.

I can only say it was raw emotions.  I don't think they have ever been that raw without being able to numb them down.  I couldn't.  No special day.  No special place, maybe it was talking to Billy, I just do not have any idea, and the fear was most prevalent.  It has been over a year.  I am going to read my grandmother's book again.  She wrote about all of this.  None of us are different in  our grief.  I think we all fall victim to the raw emotions.  It was a real surprise, an unwelcome surprise.

Gwen, this is my word salad.  

[KarenK]

Marg,

I'm sorry that your "ride" brought you sadness. I find myself trying to recapture what I have lost even if it is only online. Last night, I couldn't sleep at all and was searching Google Earth for a snippet of my daughter's home in Kentucky and my cabin near Flagstaff. It was fruitless as both places are rural and have incomplete Google results. I don't know why I was even doing it, except to fill the loneliness. I find myself on Realtor.com looking for a place that resembles my cabin in the mountains and for homes in Kentucky. Again, I don't know why as I could never go back to Kentucky and will die here. It does nothing but make me sad for what is gone. Our minds work in mysterious ways.

My son was here to change the oil in his Jeep and I talked him to death. It was nice to have another human to converse with. My grandson is not exactly a chatterbox. I am glad you like your new little car. I would not like "little". Too many years of driving my "big" truck.  LOL

Take care,

Karen

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

My son was here to change the oil in his Jeep and I talked him to death. It was nice to have another human to converse with. My grandson is not exactly a chatterbox.

I'm glad you got some human contact, Karen.  I've become acutely aware there has been no visits to my home since Steve died of any significance.  Mostly people I hire for problems.   We didn't do much, but Steve had his music posse, relatives and friends would occasionally visit and most importantly we had each other.  Over 2 years of silence and life in the house has taken a huge toll.  I pretty much talk to people via phone now as there is no one local.  They've all disappeared.  Calls are good, but they can't replace actually being with another human.  I get that at counseling, but I pay money for that.  It's like rent a friend.  I only know of one bereavement support group in my area but you have to do an intake.  Seems to me I meet the credentials.  Wish it were like AA where you can just come and check it out rather than having them check you out.  Makes me feel like maybe I'm not affected enough to qualify.  I have the outside of grief people telling me about clubs to join.  Hard to find motivation when I have no interest and what I do have any about is this insipid loneliness.  I'm good at faking it, but that was when I had energy to spare.

[Gin]

Know what you mean, Gwen.  Sometimes I go all day without talking to another human.  I can only imagine what the Winter will bring.  Any contact is on the phone.  

Thanksgiving will have no family.  A quiet dinner with a friend.  That is great, but I sure will miss family.  Whether I like it or not, I watch a lot of senseless TV.

[Gwenivere]

I hear ya, Gin.  I'm glad you have a friend for the holiday.  Got me beat there.  Yup, contact by phone is my life.  Senseless TV my companion.  It's pretty pathetic.  I want to change it, but don't know how at this point.  Tho I have lots of outsiders for advice.  They don't realize it makes it worse, all this fixing they try and do.  We can't be fixed.  We have to find a new life.  That's a huge endeavor.  Not like replacing a car or house.  And those are biggies but paled by comparison.

[KarenK]

What a novel idea, Gwen!  "Rent A Friend" Maybe we can start a new business.  LOL

I did not pay attention to how really alone Ron & I were when he was here. We just went everywhere and did everything together. Work friends disappeared when we retired many years ago and neighbors moved on. His two hunting buddies were the only ones I could think of to call when he died. They live down the street, but we have little contact. My daughter was the only one I talked to on the phone and of course, she is gone too. My little church has "friendship time" with coffee and snacks for a bit after services. It's sad, but I find that I have nothing interesting to discuss and don't feel particularly close to anyone there. Don't laugh, but the most conversations I have really are with the butcher at the grocery store who has been very kind to me. I doubt that he is someone I would wish to spend time with outside the store though.

We are having our Thanksgiving meal on Friday as my son is working on the holiday. I have bought all the right things for a nice meal. It is of little importance when I cook it. It will never mean much with half my family missing.

[brat#2]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Yup, contact by phone is my life.  Senseless TV my companion.  I want to change it, but don't know how at this point.  Tho I have lots of outsiders for advice.  They don't realize it makes it worse, all this fixing they try and do.  We can't be fixed.  We have to find a new life.  That's a huge endeavor.  Not like replacing a car or house.  And those are biggies but paled by comparison.

That's so true, I wish I could figure out how to change it, but just can't seem to find it yet.

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

I did not pay attention to how really alone Ron & I were when he was here. We just went everywhere and did everything together.

That was Dale and I, and I didn't mind it and didn't feel we were alone.  But now it's nothing but loneliness.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I've become acutely aware there has been no visits to my home since Steve died of any significance.  Mostly people I hire for problems.

Sounds like me.  I only have roofers and repairmen over.

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gin said:

Thanksgiving will have no family.  A quiet dinner with a friend.

I'm still waiting and seeing...they predict snow but every day it changes, twice a day, so I'm still up in the air as to whether I'll go to my son's or stay home alone.  

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, KarenK said:

9 hours ago, KarenK said:

What a novel idea, Gwen!  "Rent A Friend" Maybe we can start a new business.  LOL

IDon't laugh, but the most conversations I have really are with the butcher at the grocery store who has been very kind to me. I doubt that he is someone I would wish to spend time with outside the store though.

If I could find people for the rent a friend idea, I'd keep them myself!  

i certainly understand the conversation thing.   I talk to more people in don't know well now.  Always did, but now I depend on it.  Makes me wonder when people did that to me, maybe they were lonely too and I had no idea.  Funny how we see the world looks totally different now in his we see it.

[KarenK]

I'll swear I get more absentminded every day. I may need a keeper soon or at least someone else to fix Thanksgiving dinner. Now, forgetting to buy marshmallows for the sweet potatoes is nothing new. I do that every year. Today was a new "senior moment". I fixed Green Bean Casserole in my toaster oven. (I use that handy little appliance often) I then set it on the front burner of the stove to cool. Gravy was warming on the back burner. I finished mashed potatoes and dressing on the other burners. That darn casserole wouldn't stop bubbling. Started to check the gravy for warmth and my son says "Mom, maybe you turned the wrong burner on. Yep, I had been reheating the casserole instead of the gravy, fortunately on low heat. It is embarrassing to say the least and makes me so angry when I do stupid things like that. At least my family understands. I wonder if I can still be trusted with knives?  LOL

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

 I wonder if I can still be trusted with knives?  LOL

Now that sounds dangerous to try and find out.  Back away from the knives, Karen.  For everyone's sake.  

[Cookie]

On ‎11‎/‎22‎/‎2016 at 6:23 PM, Gwenivere said:

I hear ya, Gin.  I'm glad you have a friend for the holiday.  Got me beat there.  Yup, contact by phone is my life.  Senseless TV my companion.  It's pretty pathetic.  I want to change it, but don't know how at this point.  Tho I have lots of outsiders for advice.  They don't realize it makes it worse, all this fixing they try and do.  We can't be fixed.  We have to find a new life.  That's a huge endeavor.  Not like replacing a car or house.  And those are biggies but paled by comparison.

It is hard to start a new life.  Seems like it will take years.  My husband and I were also pretty insular, especially in the last few years before he died.  He was probably the most social of the two of us.  He belonged to group of guys who played pool once a week, a motorcycle club, and played handball.  I was so naively happy to just do things on my own and have him as my best friend.  I did have friends, but really loved hanging out with him most.  Now, I'm going out, doing things, but am not too invigorated by it.  It just feels like going through the motions.  I do have good times, but mainly am so sad and lonely without him.....Cookie

[Gwenivere]

Steve was the more typical social one.   Lots of buddies and things to do.  I had my own stuff, but most have vanished thru loss of people and getting older that curtail a lot if activities, one of which was taking the dogs to the park for very long walks.  My park buddies are gone too.  I never thought about how it would be if those and he were gone.  You float along assuming the days will continue as they always have.  I benefited from his social life by people around here to visit and play music.  Our time alone wasn't constantly together, but knowing he was here made all the difference.  I come home now and the place is exactly as I left it.  Nothing to clean up or straighten because, obviously, the place sat idle.  It's also so 'cold'.  What was once a very perfect size house seems so big.  Part of my job was keeping order here and so little to do now.  I don't even have to make the bed.  I slide out and his side is still so perfect.  Everything is extended twice.  Trash every other week, recycle once a month instead of 2 weeks.  All reminders that this is a house that is not shared anymore.  I can't really say I have any good times.  Just times that fill the long hours some days better than others.  I think I get lost in something, but as soon as I walk away I know I am on my own.  Can't share what happened with him so it doesn't stick with me.  I don't get to hear about his stuff.  I only hear from people he knew about how much fun they are having.  The latest was a music get together he would have been at and how fantastic it was. Always hard to respond to.  I never knew true loneliness.  Now I do and while people I try and explain it too say it sounds awful, they have no idea at all.

[KATPILOT]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I never knew true loneliness.  Now I do and while people I try and explain it too say it sounds awful, they have no idea at all.

Yes Gwen, that kind of loneliness is unique to grief for even in a crowd, it still exists. The one we want to be with the most is not here.

 

[kayc]

George was the outgoing social one too, I'm afraid I depended on him to bring us fun and socialization.  I was the stable nose-to-the-grindstone one that made sure bills got paid and chores got done.  We were such a good fit for each other.  I tend to be a loner if left to my own devices, not because I want to be, but because I'm not as outgoing.  It takes me much time to make friends with someone, I usually don't bother.

[brat#2]

Gwen and Kay, you describe Dale and I exactly.  He was the one that was the life of a party and always loved being social.  I guess when it came to being social, my shyness (even though he helped take a lot of that away over the years) I too have a hard time making friends and most the time just don't bother.

Joyce

 

[Brad]

Deedo was the sociable one and I was the one more content in spending time alone.  Now? Not so much so.  The activities I enjoy most are solitary ones but lately I find myself thinking about how much I miss human contact on a daily basis.  When I'm talking with the kids or visiting with the neighbors; I'm content.  I have a friend in the Valley who I'll get together with when I'm down there.  Her husband is in the later stages of Alzheimer's and it is a good chance for us to share with each other.  But most of my time is spent hiking, working in the yard, reading and tryinng, very unsuccessfully, watching T.V.  Just wish I had someone to go on long drives with.  I don't want romance, just someone to share with.