If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

My sister is solving her own problems, sometimes I try to and then I get her stern voice "let me do it" and I have spent my whole life jumping in and enabling everyone.  I think when I get so upset I "leave the country" in Ferris Yaris, somehow that has a way of proving my little poem I wrote when I had cancer.  "I'm not that important, life does go on.  If I wasn't here, then I would be gone."  Stupid, but true.  My load is lighter today.  I did grab my mustard seed necklace once when looking for Billy's sister's grave.  Way off in the country, beautiful country.  Well kept.  We found it one time, Billy and me together.  I think it is flat and covered with silt.  Gonna have a memorial made for her and Billy's brother and put up with sister's name on one side and brother's name on other.  Raised, where this Louisiana silt does not cover it.  I will have his ashes put beside her.  I looked to Heaven and begged Jesus, and named the whole family to help me find this grave, but I think since Billy got there they were just all out fishing.  I will have the church find it for me.  I came home feeling like a weight had been lifed from me anyhow.  It is good sometimes to just get out in the woods and drive, listen to Elvis (I did), and just clear your mind.  We had that kind of country in Arkansas.  Guess what, we have that kind of country in Louisiana too.  "Take me home country roads."  I don't know if you can find these kind of roads around Chicago or Seattle, but I'll bet there are national forests close.  Oh well, what helps me would frighten the hell out of other people.  It is what it is.  Thanks Kay, enjoy talking to you.  Your a good "down home" girl.

[Gwenivere]

Marg, I wish I had days that weren’t always bogged down in something.  Mostly physical pain and anxiety.  I’ll sit in the evening and say, I got that and that and that done and realize it was nothing compared to what I used to do.  I also wish I had a place to go that made me feel a bit better.  Clear my mind as you say.  I’m stuck in the big city and it’s a very long drive to escape.  Too far with all the traffic I’d have to take on.  Not being that much of a nature person, I really wish I had a friend to connect with locally.  Every night is a reminder of how life used to be good because of the love of just one person.  Even with the pain, I know having him here would make things tolerable and motivate me to be more aggressive for solutions.  It’s all twisted in my head.  When he first left I did so much better and my body wasn’t betraying me on top of the loss.  Now the time without him is a harsh reminder I face the future alone.  Being out in the world I see all the people with lives humming along.  A guy getting his propane tank filled because he wants to BBQ for his family.  Stuff Steve did.  Going back to being single is not like adjusting to being a couple.  Not when it wasn’t your choice.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Being out in the world I see all the people with lives humming along.

Who?  I don't see anyone.  I wave at people.  I wave at a woman who came down here, her daughter brought her down and dumped her.  She sits out on the tables and looks off in the distance drinking her "tea" I guess.  I am lucky.  I live on the outskirts of a 12,000 people town.  It is easy to drive in.  I see people at Walmart and I guess I am a cold person because the lives they live does not mean any more to me than a bee buzzing around my head.  I hope people are happy.  Billy and I used to make up stories about people we would watch in cars at Sonic or one of the others.  And, all these people I see, I don't know what they are going through.  Maybe that woman's daughter just got Ms. America, maybe another woman's daughter is in the ER or prison from drugs.  We had a woman sit in front of us in church..  Little boy's name was Jerry Paul.  I was a little kid myself.  Jerry Paul would move around in his seat, my gosh can you imagine a kid in an hour and a half preaching service being hungry, restless.  Well she would slap him upside his head.  He'd yell.  Finally she'd take him out, give him a beating, come back in and we'd all worship God.

It does not matter what my neighbor does, as long as he does not bother me.  Now I did get aggravated at him putting his beer cans on the porch and I put them right on his door way.  Last time he left any out.  

We have to do what we can for ourselves.  Right now I just got out of the ER with a possible heart attack for my sister.  Follow up with her doctor.  She keeps getting dizzy/vertigo..  The ambulance came and got her.  Her heart rate was in high 90's and blood pressure was bottomed out.  They gave her medicine and told her to get her doctor to  send her to cardiologist.  The stress she has brought on herself is enough to kill anyone.  My son as a teenager got a traffic ticket.  He hid it in his top drawer until the police came for him.  I guess she thought she could hide everything in the top drawer.  Now she has no car.  Wants to borrow mine, with vertigo like that..  I take that kid (she is still a kid to me) anywhere and everywhere and I do not even mind it one tiny bit.  I don't hurry her.  I am free to take her where ever, but with her vertigo, cannot trust her to drive.  And the worse thing is her fur baby Boo is expected to die any minute now.  She has had her 12 years.  She took care of my mom for 11 years, gave up her life to keep Mama out of a nursing home.  Me.........I'm mean, I would have put her in a nursing home and I know my sister felt like she owed her for financing her last few years of college.  Damn, how much do you have to pay.  I have become very cynical.  

Oh so many damn worries to worry about.  Days that are not bogged down in something.  You know what.  I just discovered, I am one old tough broad and for some reason today my son left word he gets his resilience from his mom, his grandma and great grandma.  Maybe so.  I'm here until I die.  Billy left.

[kayc]

Marg,

I'm sorry to hear about your sister's latest...maybe with Vertigo and heart problems it's just as well she has no car to drive.  They say the Lord works in mysterious ways.  We're usually so busy balking at whatever happens we don't connect the dots.  I'm glad you're able to be there for her, that's what's neat about your family...well, you anyway.  Always there for them.  My family isn't like that, hell, didn't hear from my son on Mother's Day until he woke me up that night!  My daughter I had to call in case she might wake me up too, they know I go to sleep early or I don't sleep.

People that are there for each other...seems to be a thing of the past. I do worry about my daughter.

Keep us posted about your sister, after she sees a Cardiologist, what she finds out.

[MartyT]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Being out in the world I see all the people with lives humming along.

"If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are." ~ Montesquieu

[Margm]

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. Helen Keller

I always wondered how this woman who could not hear, see or speak could say so much and be so much smarter than those of us who see, hear, and unfortunately can speak.

[TomPB]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

"If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are." ~ Montesquieu

The comparison for me is not with other people, but between me with Susan vs me without Susan. I understand that a stranger could look at my life and ask what's his problem, he has a lot. I understand that I'm not unique, one member of every committed loving couple will eventually be left behind. But knowing that doesn't help much with what I feel.

[MartyT]

I understand, Tom. I think this quotation is referring to our human tendency to assume that we are alone in our sadness or sorrow, and that others must be happy ~ or at least a whole lot happier than we are. One of my favorite quotations comes from the first lines in Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Traveled: "Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." As one of his readers commented, "Expecting life to be easy is a paradigm. We expect life to be easy without ever really questioning the belief. Our behaviours are based on the premise that life should be easy. If we stop and think about it we know its not and strangely life becomes easier. Alan Watts in his book the "Wisdom of Insecurity" says much the same thing. Our quest for security is a hopeless one. Once we accept that life is insecure, it becomes easier. Funny old world!" 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, TomPB said:

The comparison for me is not with other people, but between me with Susan vs me without Susan

When I announced to Billy's friends, the two couples that as very young adults (actually most of us teenagers), we had all been together a lot,  that he was gone, somehow I thought they would take me to their heart and welcome me home.  They didn't.  I was a stranger to them.  Okay, will have to admit my feelings were hurt until I started thinking about it, really thinking about it.  I have noticed old people holding hands in Walmart and I think how sweet that is, still in love after all those years.  That is my assumption.  I don't know those people.  They could have been an "old maid and old bachelor" that had just found love..  They could have been divorcees that had just found love again, or they could have actually been old like me and so happy to have their husband, or wife, who might be ill and they were helping hold them up.  We don't know these people.  We miss our mate, that is all.  We do not begrudge the "whoever they are" for any happiness they have.  We just miss our partner who was always beside us.

Our friends, their rude reception was actually not rude.  One was already in the throes of dementia and a few months later one of the men had a stroke that has made the nursing home his home.  They were not angry at seeing me, but losing their childhood friend could have made them hear those heavy footsteps that we all hear behind us.  

We just grieve our life as it was, we miss the partnership that was, we just miss all that was and is not anymore.

[TomPB]

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

I understand, Tom. I think this quotation is referring to our human tendency to assume that we are alone in our sadness or sorrow, and that others must be happy ~ or at least a whole lot happier than we are. One of my favorite quotations comes from the first lines in Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Traveled: "Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." As one of his readers commented, "Expecting life to be easy is a paradigm. We expect life to be easy without ever really questioning the belief. Our behaviours are based on the premise that life should be easy. If we stop and think about it we know its not and strangely life becomes easier. Alan Watts in his book the "Wisdom of Insecurity" says much the same thing. Our quest for security is a hopeless one. Once we accept that life is insecure, it becomes easier. Funny old world!" 

Marty, that all makes perfect sense, but Edna St Vincent Millay expresses the way it works for me

"Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn."

I wouldn't tout the swiftness of my mind lately, but there's a huge gap between knowing and accepting. I can't "stop and think about it" and have life get easier. That would be nice, LOL.  

[Gwenivere]

I don’t care about possible, unknown scenerarios regarding seeing other couples.  It doesn’t matter to my heart.  Sure, things may be different than I think, but in passing I see two people connected and companionship.  You see that day after day and it just keeps driving home the truth you are alone.  They don’t bother me like they used to, but it’s sometimes hard hearing 'did we get the whatever?'.  It’s hard enough seeing people shopping alone but you can tell they are in a relationship by what they buy and then seeing people together making choices like we used to.  My point was going back to single is the hardest thing I have ever done.

[Margm]

Gwen, my hardest part of shopping is knowing I cannot go pick Billy up at the toy section (fishing dept) and knowing he will be on the same row having thoroughly looked at everything.  Now that, I miss, and I stay away from the sports department.

 

[kevin]

[Margm]

Kevin, is this your old town or is this your new town?  Are you all having floods or is that floods and ice?  How are you doing fellow?

[kevin]

As you can see from the above picture we have a tad water problem.......the flooding has subsided but the damage is unbelievable.....River broke through a dyke and flooded the old town and downtown core......I'm fine but a few of my friends are still just trying to get the power restored........And they are all my age.....Two years ago we had Fires/smoke, now floods, waiting for the Locusts........Next house on higher ground....

[kevin]

Marg, this is my current town in BC.......I was on mini vacation and got called back......My house is up for sale, being that it stayed dry after a 100 year water level was surpassed should be a selling point........

[KarenK]

Kevin,

Even with all the flooding, I think I would trade this desert for the beautiful trees and mountains. Was watching a movie last night with beautiful scenery. It was filmed in BC as so many movies are. Canada looks like a spectacular country.

[Gwenivere]

Karen, I grew up in NM and am now living in Seattle.  Spent a couple years in Phoenix and that was too hot!   Yes, it is spectacularly green up here but with that comes moss, tons of debris and lots of damage during storms from flooding and downed trees and limbs.  It’s beautiful up here, but I long for the beauty of the desert.  The last time I was down in Albuquerque I thought I’d go blind from the sun!  The sun here is never overhead.  I guess there’s no pleasing some people.  I was also much younger when I moved here and upkeep was easier on these old bones.  I was used to yards of gravel and cacti.  ☀️

[Margm]

5 hours ago, kevin said:

My house is up for sale, being that it stayed dry after a 100 year water level was surpassed should be a selling point........

Good luck Kevin.  I hope it sells fast and you find your (Shangri-La is a fictional place described in the 1933 novel Lost Horizon by British author James Hilton.)  I am so old I saw the movie in black and white and loved it.  Wish we could all find our Shangri-La.   

[kevin]

Lost Horizons,I got that movie..........quite the ending...(scared me as a kid)

[kayc]

21 hours ago, MartyT said:

Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Traveled: "Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."

That is a good book, full of wisdom.  If only we could keep these truths in the uttermost part of our mind!

[kayc]

15 hours ago, kevin said:

Marg, this is my current town in BC.......I was on mini vacation and got called back......My house is up for sale, being that it stayed dry after a 100 year water level was surpassed should be a selling point........

I'm glad to hear you and your house are okay!!  Good luck with your selling it, I'm sure it won't take long.

[Margm]

It was my fairy tale Kevin.  I did worry about those that left it though.  My bucket list would include a monastery in Nepal.  I have no answer why.

[Margm]

I think it was about 1937, and can get it on Amazon.  She did not like Cabaret and  loved Phantom of the Opera.  Of course I loved both.  Might be too old for her (not for her age, for it's age). 

[kevin]

Going on family get away June 7-11, Hot Springs Town....rented a House with 7 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms........10 kids and 6 adults, will be an experience......pictures to follow...