If You're Going Through Hell

[Gin]

My friend and I went out for lunch today with the minister who married Al and me.  I saw her about a year or so ago and she knew I was having a really hard time.  She greeted me with, " So, how are you enjoying the single life?"  I replied, "How do you think?"  Her reply.-. "I guess not that great".  I told her she was correct.  I had a hard time engaging with her after that.  She knew Al for around 10 years.  We worked with the homeless, were greeters, etc.. Were in church every week.  She has since gone on to minister at a different church.  I was really offended...THE SINGLE LIFE!!  ENJOY??  She did not ask how I was doing.  

[KarenK]

A crass remark for sure, Gin. Somehow I never equated our status as "the single life". A world of difference between being single by choice or by force. I would have been offended too.

[TomPB]

Geez! Super insensitive. The minister, unbelievable. But I'm not surprised, greetings and goodbyes are supposed to be "happy talk".  I really hate that sort of thing. I've come to especially dislike "have a good one". Sympathy....Tom🐼

[Margm]

4 hours ago, Gin said:

 She has since gone on to minister at a different church.  

Well Gin, hope she does not minister to the widows and widowers.  Good gosh, I think I better cut it off at that.  You know, there really are idiots out there.  

[Gwenivere]

Geez!  Enjoy?  Yeah, I’m running around in ecstasy that I don’t have anyone to love or loves me back.  I’m so free!  Don’t have to share my thoughts, dreams or day with.  I don’t have to make that rumpled bed in the morning, cook healthy meals, have help on projects or anyone to talk to about the world.  Was this woman ever married or in love?  Committed to another person?  Hope she isn’t counseling people in our positions.  She’d do more harm and absolutely no good.  I can’t count how many people I’ve shut down for similar sayings.  Some with spouses.  I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but If maybe spending just one day with a truly broken heart and all that entails.  That’s the only way they would understand.  

[scba]

5 hours ago, Gin said:

" So, how are you enjoying the single life?"  

OMG OMG. WHAT????? Can't believe it!!! 

 

[Janka]

5 hours ago, Gin said:

My friend and I went out for lunch today with the minister who married Al and me.  I saw her about a year or so ago and she knew I was having a really hard time.  She greeted me with, " So, how are you enjoying the single life?"  I replied, "How do you think?"  Her reply.-. "I guess not that great".  I told her she was correct.  I had a hard time engaging with her after that.  She knew Al for around 10 years.  We worked with the homeless, were greeters, etc.. Were in church every week.  She has since gone on to minister at a different church.  I was really offended...THE SINGLE LIFE!!  ENJOY??  She did not ask how I was doing.  

I must react to this,because I stayed shocked again by reaction that we,the grieving people,must reckon with all the time...It was very reckless,I think...Only those people,who have never known such great love as we all on here have,may say anything like that...I know they don´t realize what they do mostly,as well as one of my friends from work a few months ago...She was so happy to see me after such a long time and when we started talking about my beloved Jan,yet she carelessly asked me:"Did you already forget him?"Well,it always hurts to hear something like that...

I´m sorry that you had the same experience!

Hugs from Janka

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gin said:

She greeted me with, " So, how are you enjoying the single life?"

OMG, I'm surprised your mouth didn't fall open and forget to shut!  for a minister to say such a thing to you, especially one that married you and knew you and Al as a couple all those years, it seems insensitive at best.  No, just plain stupid!

I'm sorry she ruined your lunch.  This is not the life people think.  They can't get it unless they've been there.  My sisters try to be supportive but they don't get it either, how can they?  They still have their husbands!  They see them every day!  They talk over their day, go on drives with them, go on vacation with them, have dinner with them, they take care of each other when they need help.  They pool their finances and chores, and can still cuddle on the couch.  I miss all of that and more each and every day of my life!

[TomPB]

Good summary!

Before my meditation group this AM a guy asked me "how are you" and I broke convention by actually answering, talking about the grief roller coaster and how it had hurt to cancel Susan's zipcar. Conversation stopped as people adjusted to my failure to say "Good" like you're supposed to. Then we talked about grief a little - these are very nice people - but the happy talk is relentless, with one woman saying it is a good thing that I got that cancellation done. I said true, but it's about 0.1% good and 99.9% pain. Then another started on how we should be grateful for all the good things in our lives. Well I believe that too but right now I mainly feel the pain. Even the nicest people don't get it.

[Margm]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I didn’t realize this was a Christian counseling experience.  I know that wouldn’t work for me.

The same Gwen.  Psychiatrist counseling became my second thing to do.  My first was trying to hide the feelings of my "punishment" for my sins, the second was going to one psychiatrist for 15 years, wondering how I could have done some of the things I was taught never to do.  I think Rose Kennedy finally understood grief, and it is one emotion that has touched me in  the past but not one that used a Mack truck to crush me.  This time it did.    

Okay, I wrote another chapter to my book.  How often can you say the same thing over and over?  I can pretty often.  I have deleted most of what I said, I just repeat the same things.  Senseless.  

Word salad #too many to count.

[scba]

11 hours ago, Janka said:

she carelessly asked me:"Did you already forget him?"

Because they think that, in time, they will become just a memory. We have moved on rebuilding a life, closing a chapter and leaving them in the past, as we did with high school, old jobs and etc. We conquered the pain, learned the good lesson, time healed our wounds. We remember and miss them but they are no longer part of our real life. They are Just Past. Tragic story yes, but left behind.

We can forget them and enjoy our new single life. 

OMG

 

 

[Nicolegrace]

Hello I’m new here,

While at my boyfriends visitation a lady came up to me and told me “being the girlfriend is the worst because you lose all connections with his family” or people keep telling me “you’re young you’ll find someone else” and I don’t want to hear it anymore. I planned my whole future with him and just like that he’s gone. I don’t know how to deal with these people and I know I’m going to be dealing with them for a long time. 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry to learn that your boyfriend has died, Nicole, and sorry too that you've been exposed to so much insensitivity. As you can see from the most recent comments posted by others in this thread, you are not alone in that regard. We live in a culture that tends to deny mortality and is not familiar with grief, and unless and until we are dealt a significant loss, most of us just don't know what to say or how to respond when we encounter someone whose loved one has just died. On top of that, yours is a loss that is known as disenfranchised grief, a term coined by noted thanatologist Dr. Ken Doka to describe someone whose legitimate right to mourn is ignored or not acknowledged. (Read more about that here: Coping with Hidden Sorrow.)

You'll also find lots written about the awful, ridiculous and sometimes just plain stupid things we've all heard said to those who are bereaved. Here is just a sampling:

In Grief: "Being There" for Someone in Mourning

In Grief: Feeling Let Down By Closest Friends

In Grief: How Much Can One Person Take?

In Grief: Responding to “How Are You?”

Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

When Death Happens: Tips for Helping the Mourner 

[Margm]

Nicole, welcome to this place you never thought  you would visit, and there is not one single person here who wishes you did not have to find it.  But, as an old woman, it was worth more than years of psychotherapy.

I think I have told this before.  Over 20 years ago a classmate, our kids grew up together, she was married to a cousin of mine, but though we shared all that, I didn't know her.  In looks, she was/is beautiful.  In forgiveness, my terrible thing that I can still remember saying, she has never brought it up and I won't because she is now one of my best friends and I do not want to remember that stupid person, the idiotic crazy person who told her, in passing, that she was young and beautiful, that she would find someone else.  I really hope these idiotic people that talk to you and other people on our forum get a chance to remember this.  It did not take Billy dying (I hate that word) for me to remember what I said.  My friend and I became closer years before that.  Yes, she was young and beautiful, but he was the one love that sometimes some people cannot forget, and some people prefer not to replace.  Everyone's life is different and honestly, I wish she had found someone else to help and hold her.  She didn't.  She did not consider it. Instead, she remembers their last conversation was a verbal fight.  She had to be with their grandchild in another state, cancer surgery on their newborn grandchild, she  tried to call him but he had an  aneurysm or some other thing burst while he slept.  Her last memory was the verbal fight and she has never forgiven herself.  She has her own business and she helps family, like I have to do, and we commiserate together often.  She has her brother, who has cancer, she is taking care of.  We talk so  very often, we tell each other things we cannot tell anyone else because we both share the same feelings.  I will never bring up the cruel thing I said 20 or more years ago.  I did not mean it to be cruel, my mind meant it as a compliment because she was/is beautiful.  Hopefully, the people that say the hateful things to us, hopefully it will play on their conscience as this did/still does on mine.  

I have no answers to say to these people.  It makes me angry to hear someone could be so cruel, then I think about myself, and I would not say something like that to a new widow or grieving person.......................but I did.  And like most of my other misdeeds, some come back to haunt me.  

I have a friend who has colorful things to say when mishaps happen.  I suspect she is one of those people who would say these ugly things, but she would say them in a comical manner.  My cancer was well over 30 years ago, then I had the colon rupture from the radiation.  My comical friend told me "Who knew, after all those years that the cancer would come back and bite you in the A$$.  Well, that is what happened and only she would say something like that and it was acceptable.

I hope people have a big enough heart they will remember the ugly words and it will prey on their mind like mine did my mind and conscience.  

I'm sorry these things were said to you.  I  hope we can all be as forgiving as my friend was of me.  

I have to add an addendum to this.  The infant grandchild with the very serious cancer got a graft from her mother and she grew up into one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.  She goes to a religious university and I believe her life is involved with things that she will be hired by large churches..  She sings beautifully.  It was a horrible night for my friend to lose her husband, but the little grandchild was given a new miracle life.  

 

[MartyT]

And I hope you are as forgiving of yourself, dear Marg. You said that to your friend because you meant it as encouragement and as a compliment ~ and you didn't know any better at the time. None of us is perfect. Most of us mean well in our efforts to comfort another, even when we say things that we later wish we could take back or undo. Now you do know better how to respond to someone in grief, and not only are you willing to acknowledge the mistake you made in the past, but you're also willing to share what you've learned from it with others. 😉

On another note, earlier in this thread we had a discussion about the benefits of yoga in grief. Just so you know, our friends at Open to Hope are planning a podcast on that very topic on Thursday, June 21, The Healing Power of Yoga, featuring Karla Helbert. Watch for it here: Open to Hope Podcasts ❤️

[Margm]

I bought a new DVD player (have to wait for Brianna to hook it up, or her mother).  Had to install new keyboard and finally had to give up.  Bri did it for me.  

I am so out of shape.  Billy would not have let me get this way.  The church offers services on Tuesday nights for addicts of all kinds and I eat without even tasting it. I sent to Amazon for "Balance & Strength"..  It said "Traditional Exercises, modified Tai Chi and Yoga for seniors and older adults".  With Jane Adams.  So far I have taken the cover off it.  Burned up two calories doing that.  I will do them in the morning when no one is with me and remove all sharp objects.  

[Gwenivere]

I recall aunts and uncles dying when I was young.  I don’t recall ever saying anything to the remaining spouse.  I know I would be there to comfort my mother.  When we are young we certainly don’t have the life experience, so I give us a pass.  I think about hurtful things I have said in other circumstances and used to beat myself up for, but the one nice thing about age is that I’ve learned it was youth and what was then so important means nothing now.  I’ve had arguments with many people and Steve over the years and while I recall some ugly things said on both sides, they are over and done with.  I couldn’t have handled them differently for the person I was at the time.  Sometimes I feel my only 'regret' was loving him totally because the pain of that WILL remain with me as long as I live.  

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Nicolegrace said:

Hello I’m new here,

While at my boyfriends visitation a lady came up to me and told me “being the girlfriend is the worst because you lose all connections with his family” or people keep telling me “you’re young you’ll find someone else” and I don’t want to hear it anymore. I planned my whole future with him and just like that he’s gone. I don’t know how to deal with these people and I know I’m going to be dealing with them for a long time. 

I am so sorry you were exposed to such insensitivity.  I grew a lot of moxie after I lost my husband, would tell someone outright what I thought about what they said to me...as politely as I could, but say it nonetheless.  I felt they needed to know how their remarks affected me.  People can be unbelievably insensitive!  They don't seem to engage their brain before they open their mouth, let alone try to put themselves in your position.

Grief has a way of weeding out friends and changing our address/phone book.

I'm very sorry for your loss.  We just never expected any of this when we planned our futures together.

[Margm]

You want some good news from me, unexpected news.  I moved my daughter down here, and first week was kind of bad.  This child of mine has taken over for the bad things that have happened to my sister, she has taken over and taken it all off me.  I cannot ask for much more than  that.  She took her to the rehab and she takes care of her cat, which we thought was dying  but is now eating and drinking lots of water.  Kelli leaves the TV on for her.  I'm sorry, I am not an animal person. Won't go into it except I lost so many as a child I would have no more.  Not gonna have another husband either.  

[Janka]

7 hours ago, Nicolegrace said:

...people keep telling me “you’re young you’ll find someone else” and I don’t want to hear it anymore. I planned my whole future with him and just like that he’s gone. I don’t know how to deal with these people and I know I’m going to be dealing with them for a long time...

Dear Nicolegrace!

I´m very sorry for your loss!You found a good place where everyone has been going through the same at.I hear the same things like you by now and it´s been 6 years and 7 months this week.I still have a problem to touch the piano that my beloved man Jan had bought me,because playing hurts me by now.It always be someone who say something wrong and hurtful and I noticed the more time goes by,all the more they repeat it.Even one of my best friends who didn´t mean it badly at all carelessly said a few days ago when I mentioned how big problem it is for me still:"OMG,it´s been 6 years!"For her it´s the past only and I should get over it.So I´m thankful that I´ve got another best friends of mine who never say anything like that,because they have their partners,so they know what is love.This one is living alone all her life and she never knew such great love at all,so I can understand her.One way or another,it always hurts to hear.Sometimes it´s necessary to say them what is all about and sometimes it´s not worthy of talking anything as for the strangers around.It doesn´t matter to me,because they´re not close to me.This is what helps me to do not be hurt so much...

There´re great people who are always here for you to make it easier each day...

You´re never alone...

With love Janka

[Widowedbysuicide]

Welcome @Nicolegrace,

I'm too am sorry you are going through the hell of grief.  I can not say if it gets better, it has been 2 yrs 5 months and 2 days for me.  There are definitely ups and downs, good for a time and then devastated again.  Nothing stays the same in life or in grief.  Good and bad come and go without the warning that might help us.

An important thing to know is that there is no better place to come than here when you need or want to talk, share, vent, YELL or SCREAM.  Every person here has been devastated by the death of a significant person in their life.  Mine was my husband of 35+ years.  Do not discount your grief as we are equals here.  @MartyT always has great advice and is very knowledgeable and compassionate.

We all try to help each other here and mostly we succeed.  It is more difficult for some of us to put words on a screen that describe what we are trying to say.  Feelings don't always show in our words and sometimes the words we choose don't mean the same to us as they might to you.  Please don't be offended by comments because they aren't meant to judge, compare, criticize, or hurt you. This is my disclaimer 🙄.  

I hope you will find what you are needing here.  Again, I am sorry for your loss and for the hurtful reminders of all of what you lost.

Marita

[Gwenivere]

Saw my doctor yesterday.  She made med changes (scary as the stress seems to still be winning), said forget about the back surgery for now but referred my to a sports medicine doc that means steroid injections.  Risky stuff and the last time I had one for a knee I coincidentally had a TIA.  He can’t see til August anyway.  My world is ruled by pain and fear.  Have the panic disorder that was under control til shortly after Steve died back to its ugly self.  I’m trapped and it feels like I’ve seen animals react.  Harder and harder to stay close to rational.  Hardest thing is knowing if Steve were here, so would the physical pain but I’d have someone who limitlessly cared.  I write to my counselor but it’s just to get things out, she can’t say much in mail which I understand.  It’s like coming here.  I can say anything, but all in all I am alone.  I have a couple of people I could call, but the effort is sucked out of me just getting thru the day as I know it is for them.  I don’t know what I am really trying to say.  Just lonely and can babble rather than stare into space and wondering why me?  Why did I lose him and our furry baby to cancer within months of each other?  Why was he taken?  When did this change from what I felt  was normal grief to fighting for my sanity?  It’s all so dramatic for a person that prefers car chases and humor.  Oddly, I keep running into movies and shows about suffering loss.   Guess they were always there, but didn’t impact me beyond seeing the obvious pain acted out.  Knew it was acting.  It would be great if there was some door in my life that I could open and there was some relief.  I wish at for all of us.  We all should have times we can just get a break for a day as we know this is for the long haul. Just one frigging day to regroup.  I’m so cried out I cry without tears sometimes, feels very weird.  Doesn’t fill the cathartic need.  

Word salad as Marg calls them.  I’d much rather be living as I did as would we all.  Expert is the wrong word, but I never had any aspirations to be so knowledgeable about this subject.  

[KarenK]

Gwen,

This may be totally off base, but I was thinking of you and wondered if acupuncture might be a thing to try for your back. I have no experience with it at all, but have read that it is successful for some. I truly feel bad for you that you are in so much pain. If you could just get some relief, it would make it a bit easier, I know. I understand the loneliness all too well. The dogs are the only ones who pay much attention to me around here.

[Gwenivere]

I have heard about acupuncture as well a chiropractor.  Thanks for the suggestion, but I just have no interest or energy to try out other avenues.   Too much disappointment I suppose.  I’m doing good if I make it to PT for pain control.  

That I got a shower in and finished vacuuming after being out to the vet, get gas and pick up a burger has me wiped out.  In the same position, the dogs are the only ones that care if I’m here or not.  I feel weird when I talk out loud anymore but to them.  I miss talking and there being a response.  So many things I want to share with him again.  I was in my favorite grocery store that is closing and it’s in that death stage.  Empty shelves and products shrinking.  End of an era.  Wound up there a lot for something or another.  Won’t be back.  Sometimes you’ve just seen enough death.  It’s comes in all forms.  

  

[kayc]

I don't understand why our insurance never covers acupuncture, I'd totally try it if I needed it, it's the "medical procedure" that's age old and I've heard it has good results, it makes sense to me.  Right now I have a sister (Peggy) going through a lot of pain due to a fall a month ago, she's lost 13 lbs, can't keep anything down, can't sleep, all they did was give her muscle relaxers.  Turns out she has a fractured vertebrae, after a friggin month they finally x-ray her?!  Now maybe she can get some treatment and begin mending!

Gwen, I hope whatever they end up doing for you, that it helps.  I can't imagine living with the kind of pain you've had for such a long duration.  Watching your favorite grocery store close like that does seem like a pictorial view of death, doesn't it.