If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

 I made the mistake of looking at the post it notes I left Steve over the years he kept taped and dated tons to the picture in his bathroom.  Not in depth, but I always see them and peeked underneath the top ones and saw a couple I, of course, don’t remember writing.  Every one has a heart I drew as a signature.  I only go in there to use the scale and touch it up now and then.   I knew better but looked anyway.  It was like being sucked into the past.  All I write on those notes now are reminders of all the things I might forget like get something out for dinner feed the birds, pick up your RX.  

It was habit to leave them on his mirror to find.  That he cared about them to save just tore me up.  The guys that come by to use his studio see them, wonder what they think.  I’ve gone blind to the one in his van reminding him the kids and I love him and can’t wait til he gets home.  

It’s like the moth to a flame.  Why would I flirt with more pain?  It’s just not something I do as I learned a long time ago the ramifications.  I long to connect with him, but know that isn’t how.  I spent the evening drowning in more loneliness and hardly able to breathe.  Begging it to stop.  So aware of his absence which I don’t need one bit of help on as it is.  

[Gin]

Gwen,

i have the tendency to look at the cards Al made for me.  He was so good at things like that.  Always had a special picture and beautiful poem that he wrote.  I read the last one he did for me and end up crying.  I have not gotten to the point yet (doubt that I ever will) of finding joy instead of sorrow.  I just miss him so much and it is so painful to know that I will not have those good times anymore. And the loneliness is sure a killer.  Have not found any answer to that either.

Gin

[brat#2]

Gwen

I completely get it and understand the pain and how it feels when you see things like that.  When I unpacked my evacuation boxes (that I had packed a month after Dale left and was still numb) here at my new place, it was very difficult and even though I was crying looking at everything (cards, letters, pictures) I couldn't keep myself from doing it.  Sending you hugs, Joyce

 

[Margm]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s like the moth to a flame.

Gwen, I am sure there has to be some therapy "Face Your Fears" probably written by Eleanor Roosevelt while she was canoodling with her friend, and I do not explain canoodling, nor which friend.  The world is made up of things that are supposed to cure us. and I bolded it, but I use it loosely.  There is no cure.  we have to walk that damn path by ourselves.  Sometimes we hit on some quote that gently nudges us, but never fear, we will forget it fast enough.

I went back to my "young me" country today.  Well "old me" got lost.  Freedom be damned.  I hated going down our old country highway, it is just a continuous suburb of the big city.  I turned left  like I was supposed to do.  Not long ago I found what I was looking for, but I was coming from the opposite direction.  I saw where my Grandma's store used to be.  I did not see my crawfish creek that ran under the road under a bridge that must be a culvert now.  It is stopped by the highway with pine trees that need thinned so bad.  The problem is, my aunt passed away, her son passed away too young, but after her, and the last child lives in Michigan, so there is no one to take care of this land of trees.  I doubt if you could crawl between the overgrown brush.  Louisiana summers.  

But, my boxes have still not been moved or opened again.  Won't do it.  Avoidance has always  been my go-to word.

[kayc]

I have a post it note that says "I luv U more" with George's signature happy face as no one else could draw them.  I also have a card, the kind that comes with a bouquet of flowers, that he wrote to me, it's very special to me.  It's beginning to fade after all these years, but both are above my computer where I can glance up at them.  They bring me comfort, from the man who was the only one who ever truly loved me completely and unabashedly.  I don't remember how many years went by before I could put them up, quite a few.

[Margm]

Kay, wrap them in saran wrap so they won't fade any more.  

[kayc]

Maybe laminate them??

[Margm]

Best idea.  Laminate, I did not think of.  I oft times used Saran wrap to save things, but laminate would not fall off.  We used to write each other notes.  Right after we first got married we did all the time.  I saved in my billfold window one I happened on and just set it there.  One time I wrote him a sweet, but kinda sexy one, and put it in his lunch box.  The "boys" found it and pinned it to the board where everyone could see..  I never saw Billy embarrassed, and I doubt he was this time, but I think I cleaned up any more notes I left.

[Margm]

Sometimes I tell too much about me.  Waiting so long to grieve someone gone so many years ago makes life seem to come full circle.  Lots of things we don't have to tell except there are a lot of things that bring us down.  Sometimes probably would best to just live out stupid life stressors, don't bring 1961 into 2018.  Wow, I've been in a time machine.  See, psychiatry could not give me any DSM score.  

[kayc]

I'm feeling the "going through hell" thing right now, ear infections back with a vengeance, I went to the doctor on the 1st, took three Rxs for ten days, last one Sunday night, now here it is again, have to travel the 120 mile round trip to go to the doctor and pharmacy again tomorrow.    Still not done with all the side effects from the last time!

Needing to get another car, my favorite watch quit working, electricity went out.  Life can be a struggle sometimes!

Oh Marg, you shouldn't feel guilty, this is someone you cared about, a part of your history, we can care about more than one person and it takes nothing away from Billy or your love for him to show your respects.  I don't see it as being unfaithful.  George had a GF in his life for ten years, they remained friends, if I was dead and she died, he'd go to her grave and visit, I'm sure, and I wouldn't begrudge him any...good friends are hard to find and it's nice that someone remembers.

[Margm]

Don't want any infections.  Please take care of yourself Kay.  In Arkansas we had to drive 40 miles either way to get to doctor and I swore the next move would be close.  It was within walking distance, but the big hospital was still far away.  

Take care of yourself.  If Brianna's iron is still low they are gonna send her to a hematologist, she had it drawn today.  Cannot get her to eat meat but I keep the gummy vitamins close and she takes the prescribed iron..  She has been hypothyroid nearly since birth.  Be careful driving.  At least now you don't have to worry about snow.  

I'll take a little good news.  Her iron was up.  No hematologist.  Just keep taking the iron.

 

[Gwenivere]

Another day, and they keep getting more intense, that I wonder if I will make thru.  So many things going wrong, a week ahead of making choices between my usual routine and doctors that I don’t even care about because my health seems so unimportant in an existence without purpose.  I’m around people but feel nothing.  Just emptiness.  I so need Steve right now, he is the only one that could ease my mind, give me a reason to live.  To fight these battles.  Emotional and physical pain are my life now.  How does one hold off losing their tenuous hold of sanity when it won’t stop?   Rhetorical.  Just had to let it out because......no one is here in my life now.  It’s frightening when you feel your back up against the wall and the only thing/one that could save you is gone.

[MartyT]

 

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s frightening when you feel your back up against the wall and the only thing/one that could save you is gone.

Gwen, I'm so sorry that life is such a challenge for you. How I wish we could fix it for you ~ but alas, you are the only one who can save you. I hope it helps to know that we are here, if only in a virtual way ~ but we ARE here, we are listening, and we care . . . ❤️

[Margm]

I have put on here about "widow's brain" before.  This week end I might have had a moment of worry though.  For a long time I found it amusing that I could watch a TV show or take Brianna to a movie and then come home and rewatch it and it was mostly all new.  I have done this with books also.  With the books I had the mildest worry because I was enjoying reading them again, but we bought the DVD to a movie we went to see in March, and there were parts of that movie I never remembered.  Like I said, up until now I found it amusing, not really worried.  I drive.  I know where I am going.  I do not lose my way (other than missing a childhood road a couple of week ends ago), but it had been so long that it did not worry me.  I have no trouble finding my phone, my glasses, my keys, my purse, because they are all where I am reminded by  constantly putting them in the same place.  I have had it happen once or twice that I might not remember to put them exactly back and I did have anxiety about that.  

So, this not remembering movies, TV shows, I have actually enjoyed.  I do have certain words sometimes that I cannot remember.  Sometimes they come to  me and sometimes I go to  Google.  

It has been 32 months.  I am not a danger to anyone with anything I have forgotten.  And, I actually have felt some relief that some of my memory, especially the hurting most memory, has to be really thought  about to remember it.

Like I said, until this week end, it has been a total joy and amusement to forget some things.  But having just watched this movie in the  theaters in March and now watching the DVD in June, I was a little alarmed at my almost total amnesia.

I know grief brain.  I also know 75-years-old.  I think my worse enemy for this situation would be worry.  But, it has been 32 months.  I do know that Xanax will cause a side effect of amnesia, but I only take it at home.  Maybe long term effects go along with it.  As long as it does not bother my driving or my attention to where I keep things, I think I am okay.  I do not know why it went from a joyful amusement to a source of some anxiety.  

[MartyT]

Marg, my dear, if it makes you feel any better, I have the same problem ~ especially when it comes to TV shows. Nowadays the trend for screenwriters seems to be "Don't tell a story in chronological order. Better to jump around in time, showing events happening in the past, future, and present, all jumbled up. And introduce a dozen different characters as quickly as possible and as early in the story as you can, so as to confuse the viewer as much as possible." The only programs I can do are the ones I can tape and stream. If a week goes by between episodes, I am completely and totally lost. You and I are the same age, so I suppose some of it has to do with our aging brains ~ but I think it's also in how much screenwriting has changed in recent years. I don't like it at all!

[Margm]

Thanks Marty, I'm okay now.  You know just what to say.

[Gwenivere]

I invited a guy in the neighborhood who I met at the dog park many years go.  Thru conversations in passing when he walked his furry kids by my house I came to find out he dealt with depression, wanting to die, isolation and loneliness too.  The conversation went different than I expected, I learned a lot about what he has gone thru in his life.  It was a given he wouldn’t understand my situation being triggered by the loss of my partner.  But he did listen and he suggested we chat like again maybe a couple of times a month.  We are both struggling in different ways, but effects are the same.  He dreads showers, eating, has trouble sleeping, watches too much TV because you feel nothing inside.  It was human contact which I so crave and could be myself.  So different than counseling when you know you have a set limit of time to cover your most pressing issues.  Things I thought I’d say with him took different priorities.  I even grabbed his hand and to touch someone felt good.  It made me realize how long it has been since I had company over and while it used to be lighthearted, how even an hour with someone can bring that connection to life back a bit.  I still face the long evening alone as always.  It’s not a fix, but maybe a very small step.  He gave me some good insight about living alone and the things you have to think about now as that is how he lives.  Has for a very long time.  Being a newbie at it, it was helpful to hear its that way for others too.  The no one noticing if you come or go, if something happened to you, how long before anyone noticed, etc.  Wanting to matter to just one person in the world.  How people actually won’t believe you have a close friend or family to do things with....like we’d make that up.  Being older also brings little opportunity to find that when you are too depressed to pursue activities.  

What I learned was loneliness is a dangerous thing to our hearts and minds and to get trapped in it, as I am now,  there are many pitfalls to heed, but also validation.  I get that here from this family, but sometimes you need a real, actual person you can see, hear and touch beside you.

[Margm]

Gwen, your still a young woman.  I am proud of you.  It is good to have somebody.  I blocked a friend on Facebook because of the crude things and hate filled things she said about the border children.  I know people have different opinions, but not about innocent kids and animals. I know people cannot have too many friends, but I do not depend on any of my friends to hold me up.  I come here.  And, my  family can be annoying for awhile, but if I didn't have them, what would I have to bitch about?   

[Gwenivere]

Marg, you know that saying about the grass looking greener on the other side of the fence?  Being so alone I would love to have family to bitch about.  Local friends too.  But.......my side of the fence is empty.  

[kayc]

Gwen, I've lived alone for so long now it's hard to remember what it's like to have someone here.  I get out, am involved in things, but it's not the same thing as someone being here, noticing if I make it home or not, let alone caring.  Because I live so far out, it's easy to be isolated, no one visits.  I have to deal with everything alone, my medical issues, buying a different car, having my refrigerator go out, etc.  That's just this week, it's been a month!

I'm glad you had a brief respite from the aloneness and someone who understands.  I hope it helps you both.

I talked to my friend Jim a couple of nights ago, he sounds like he's in the throes of congestive heart failure, I don't want to lose him.  I encouraged him to go to the hospital if he needs to.  He doesn't have insurance...I tried my best to get him to sign up for Obamacare when the getting was good, but he's the world's biggest procrastinator.  You can't make someone do something.  I'm at the age where we lose people, I'm not liking that about this age!

[Margm]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

.my side of the fence is empty.  

Sometimes that is good, sometimes bad.  One of my friends must have been told that I blocked the "friend" and I did not advertise it.  She mentioned when I died I needed to be able to count my friends on my hands.  I doubt I will do that when I die.  There will be no funeral, if I'm dead, why should I care?  On Facebook, it has become political and I am shocked my "friends" can be so cold and heartless and my own sister is on the other extreme.  I am apolitical, hate politics so much, and all they want to do is argue about things that I am shocked they believe in.  Or don't believe in.  I consider them Christian friends, but with so much hate in their hearts, how can you be Christian?  I should not judge, but hate is still hate and directed at innocence makes the people small and petty.  At my age, you think nothing would surprise me.

[scba]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I am apolitical, hate politics so much, and all they want to do is argue about things that I am shocked they believe in.  Or don't believe in. 

I'm a Political Scientist. I understand

[Margm]

Ana, I am so apolitical that I'm really bad..  I don't like the labels they give and to tell you the truth, my favorite political hero was a governor of Louisiana named Edwin Edwards.  He remained my favorite in and out of prison.  

But, I love you because you are one of us.  (Do you really like your job?)  I hate this as an analogy, but some people have to be undertakers and some real live Angels have a profession of taking care of dying patients.  In all my years of medical transcription I always hated to type the words palliative care.  And then in the hospital they mentioned the word palliative care in Billy's care and I felt like someone had slapped me in the face.  My miracle was slipping away, still we had a palliative care nurse.  There have to be Angels to fill every job, and I would imagine that would include a Political Scientist, though I have not googled this.  

[scba]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I would imagine that would include a Political Scientist, though I have not googled this.  

Dear Marg,

"Political scientists study the origin, development, and operation of political systems. They research political ideas and analyze governments, policies, political trends, and related issues.  They typically conduct research in these sub-areas: national politics, comparative politics, international relations, or political theory...They collect and analyze data from sources, such as public opinion surveys and election results, develop theories using sources like historical documents, test theories using statistical methods, evaluate the effects of policies and laws, forecast political trends, and present research".

I´m not a politician nor I work for them. I conduct research and my field is International Relations. 

I´m not sure if I like my job after all, If I still like politics. I have to keep up with the news because of my job. Because of my grief and "the veil that has been raised up" I feel more and more disgusted by human behavior. I have loss lots of hope in the future, in the fact that politics can drive a positive change in society. It happened, but it is not nowadays.

My opinion on the subject.  

 

 

[Margm]

I very much respect your opinion and love to read about the wives of the presidents, and read Teddy Roosevelt until he got too much into politics, but I loved him, so there would be your historical part.  And, I do love reading the histories (just not those in the past 75 years).  I also respect your job very much.  I loved medical transcription and enjoyed the research part that was dictated to me and I really felt I was learning by all they wrote and we got published, but as I age, I have lost faith in the very doctors I worked with, and most have retired now anyhow.  I doubt if I could go back and get enjoyment out of it now.  This is supposed to be my golden years, but they sure feel tarnished.  Billy and I, we never discussed politics.  Lots of sports, and I kept an interest in that the same way I did the politicians, about reading about the history.  Ana, I admire you very much.  (But, I am glad you are not a politician.)