If You're Going Through Hell

[Gin]

I have been trying to get rid of things.  Today I found a box with several hundred playbills from plays that Al and I attended.  I threw them out and later regretted it.  Went into the garbage and hauled them all out.  I guess I am not ready for that.  It looks as though I am not ready for any of this.  Al kept every one of more than 600 we went to.  I have them back now.  It brought lots of tears!

[Gwenivere]

Are you looking for things, Gin, or running into them?  I know where things are I avoid.  It’s usually a litttle thing I find looking for something else that gut punches me.  I don’t know if I will ever tackle the stuff in his drawers or files.  I don’t need to since I set up my own so I wouldn’t have to go thru his stuff.  He was a keeper too so I know it would tear me up.  Don’t need the room they would make so I just stay away from them.  There might come a time you want to.  I also think the trashing them may have made it worse.  It’s not garbage to us.  

Steve has stacks of music books I could  donate so others can use them.  But I can’t.  They are his and they stay for now and maybe forever.   Giving away his clothes was enough as well as the guitar and bass stands that are now empty as they went to the people in his will.  When someone comes over to record with one it hurts every time.

[Gin]

Gwen,  not looking for things, just trying to throw out old stuff that I can not use.  Al had a few file drawers that I did not venture into.  I probably will not any more.  Hard to believe how much pain these things still cause.

[Widowedbysuicide]

💓

[kayc]

I figure it'll be a lot easier for my kids to go through and throw out our stuff since they don't have the emotional attachments I do.  I know it'll be a lot of work but they can hire and pay friends to help them and they stand to benefit on the sale of the place when I die so I don't feel too guilty about it.  My son is a go-getter when he decides to do something so I know he can make quick work of it.  I saw him hire a crew of strapping young men to help him surprise his wife by moving everything into their home and setting it up in one day.  Plus he owns a dump truck.    They'll probably still be trying to get a hold of my daughter when he has it all done.

[Margm]

Actually, that makes a lot of sense Kay.  If I am in an assisted living, a nursing home, or at worse/best gone for good, they can make money on what I have left or do like I did and let people come get what they want.  It won't matter to me then.

[brat#2]

Gin, I can totally relate.  It's been almost 6 months since I moved into my new place and I have almost gotten everything unpacked and put where I want it.  The past couple of weeks though have been the hardest, I've been unpacking my evacuation boxes that I put together the month after Dale died.  I put all pictures I had of him and other loved ones that are gone in one box, the other boxes had our "stuff" from when we did things or went somewhere, plus important papers.  I wanted to make sure that I had all those items with me if I had to leave cause of the weather (which I did have to evacuate 3 times in 2 years by myself).  When I put those boxes together it was so soon after his death that I was still in shock and numb and it wasn't that hard.  Well going through them this time, almost 3 years later, has been some of the hardest 2 weeks I've had, a lot of tears.  I still have one more box, but I'm putting it off for a little bit, I'm just plain worn out.  Hugs to you

[Gin]

Joyce,

It is so hard to do these things.  I have big problems with loneliness, which only adds to the pain.  I do not go very many places any more.  The kids are involved in their own lives and really are not that involved with mine.  My friends really do not understand and think I should "move on before the world passes me by".   It passed.   I shed a lot of tears last night.  Wishing you well.   Gin

[Margm]

Joyce, Gin, I have only began to get into the pictures.  They hurt, but it is like seeing the flowers this spring, it is not easy, but I saw them, the fragrance was real, I am noticing things I didn't notice before.  People are different.  Where I have my friends that keep up with me, I am back in my home area where I grew up.  Coming home from Hot Springs yesterday, I have to pass by the old rock church where all my relatives sleep in the cemetery beside it.  I had put flowers on my mom and dad's and my grandparents graves, they were pretty, but it is woods all around and sometimes winds blow them over.  I stopped at a $ store on the way home.  I wanted some kind of wire to make sure they were anchored.  They had anchoring wires that came with them, but sometimes they don't hold good enough.  For some reason, I found the section that had lawn decorations.  There were metal butterflies with long sturdy anchoring poles.  I stopped and put them in the flower arrangements and it is going to take a tornado to blow them over (which might be common in this country), but the arrangements looked like they had a big pretty metal butterfly resting among the flowers and it changes colors with different light.  Perfect.

This church below is in the country about 25 miles from my driveway, straight up the highway, might be a tiny bit further or a little less miles.  Mine and Billy's plot is right behind my mom and dad's.  When I was a little girl, the first Saturday in May, we (my aunt and mammaw) would go to this churchyard and another a few miles away and all relatives would make sure everything was kept neat and clean.  Someone is hired to do it now.  We would have dinner piled up on the boards that were attached from tree to tree.  I have done so much genealogy that cemeteries are books of history to me.  They do not scare me (although when I had cancer I would not even look at one beside the road, any road, any cemetery).  

[Margm]

And Joyce, you have done so much better than I have.  I still have at least 15 huge plastic boxes with tops that I use for bedside tables, etc.  Might never unpack them.

[KarenK]

Marg, this picture reminds me of the church and graveyard where my Debbie lies, Her church is smaller, but what a beautiful place to spend eternity. Another Mother's Day approaches in which neither of us will say "Happy Mother's Day" to each other. So sad.....

I spent the first couple of years after Ron left stabbing myself in the heart each time I had to let go of one of his guns or collectibles. Actually, the guns were given to my son, but we sold what we had to to survive. I had to keep telling myself that they were just things, but inside, a piece of him went with each item. I have a chest of drawers filled with all the cards we gave each other throughout the many years we spent together and a few of his personal items. Most everything else has found a new home where it is being used by someone else who needed it. I think he would understand. Most of our pictures bring good memories tinged with sadness knowing I will never visit those places again. There are few pictures of him, as he was the one taking the pictures. I have a nice photo of him from the 70's by my computer. It does not bring sadness. The ones of him and of my Debbie as their illnesses progressed are in a less conspicuous place.

Gin, I hear you loud and clear on the world having passed you by. I pedal backward while the rest of the world flies forward.

[Margm]

Karen, I opened up the box with the plaque he gave me for 32 or 33rd anniversary and when I saw it, I just closed the box.  Not visiting it again.

And my heart goes out totally to you for your daughter.  My son was shot and coded on the operating table the two times they tried to do surgery.  They told me he was shot in the leg (I was high up in the Gila Wilderness in NM) and forestry service found us.  He had to have so many units of blood I did not know him as we raced back with our blinkers on.  No one tried to stop us on I-10 or I-20 either.  His doc was one of my residents I kept tabs on when he went through urology so he talked to me on a pay phone at a rest stop.  No cell phones back then.  He had been hit in the femoral artery and had enough sense to tie it off with a jacket.  (He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was on drugs).  I had kept thinking how bad can a leg wound be.  It was pretty  bad.  He walks with a brace and high boots because it tore up the nerves in his leg too.  We came so close to losing him.  Thank goodness (and I am knocking on wood), he finally got himself straight, but his liver, even after hep-C treatments does not work like it should.  

I once asked my daughters psychiatrist what can you do to keep them from suicide.  He said, there is nothing you can do.  Inside of a few months he had offed himself, so I guess he knew.  

My heart is with you still.  Sometimes parents go through so much, and we have to live too.  I don't think any of us can think of the right words to say.  There are no right words.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Gin said:

 I have big problems with loneliness, which only adds to the pain.  I do not go very many places any more.  My friends really do not understand and think I should "move on before the world passes me by".   It passed.

I see my counselor today and plan on telling her I feel in a danger zone about the loneliness.  I’m at a level 9 on the physical pain scale but it doesn’t come close to the anguish I feel in my heart.  There’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.  Alone can be a choice, the other not.  If something happened to me, I don’t know how long it would take for someone to notice.  That is the worst feeling in the world.  I worry about the dogs as I would have no help if I needed it.  I lost my last 2 local connections for human contact that mattered in the last year.  To sit here knowing there is no I could call is something I’ve never experienced.  The only time my phone rings is the pharmacy, Dr. appointment reminders, surveys, causes looking for donations, robocalls or repair people.  I’ve really tried too.  Tried to fill the voids as they come up.  But being physically limited now, I’m stuck.  Guess it would be better to call them huge sinkholes now.  They keep growing.  

Everyday runs like clockwork, over and over again.  That’s not how it’s supposed to be.  A machine depends on things going exactly right or it breaks down.  Life isn’t like that, it needs change.  The kind you get from being with someone.  It’s moving parts want diversity.  Even if it is just choosing what to eat that night with someone.  

I feel the world left me behind too.  As Karen said, I’m just backpedaling or at a standstill while the world goes on. 

Joyce, my heart is with you.  I know the move did not go as you were led to believe.  It’s like you are stuck between worlds.  The one you had with Dale and this one in a familiar but lonely place too. 

I googled loneliness and it’s a killer for so many people in so many ways.

[Gin]

I really tried to fit in at different places.  Joined a bookclub, but most of the people there knew each other.  Was there over a year and still do not fit in.  Go to the health club that Al and I used to attend.  Say hello to people, but that is hardly the same.  Most of my neighbors have either moved or died.  The world can be a mighty lonely place.  We used to go to church, but our church closed.  So hard to try to go alone to another one.

[Gin]

Sure wish we all lived close to one another.  

[TomPB]

I relate to a lot in this thread. I've worked at finding new interests and relationships, and strengthening old ones, and everyone tells me I'm doing all the right things,  and I have OK moments, but then the hugeness of the loss hits me in a grief attack, and it repeats endlessly. I am "in the waiting room"  instead of really being present for life.

I'm throwing things out but NOT the precious things. A lot is just decluttering of things we might have thrown out if Susan was still here. I'm surrounded by Susan, this place is like a shrine to her. There are things that REALLY sting like a program with a dance she coreographed in the 70s "Dedication to T" and her PhD thesis dedicated to "Thomas PB". Maybe those could be happy memories someday but now they just bring pain, but I'll never let them go.

I know it's an old theme, but the "How are you" formulas have been particularly annoying lately. Whenever I answer it seems people start smiling right away as if they assume  I'm about to make some happy talk. And why do so many say "Have a good one"? Hate that.

The bottom line is that Susan was off the charts in her goodness and in how she showered me with love, and in my heart I think I'll be sad for the rest of my life no matter what else develops. My counselor says don't shut the door and say "never", consider that it's possible that I might be OK.

[mittam99]

Today's another one of those "milestone" days that's a reminder of how empty my life is. I'm 63 today and it's just another day in this perilous and sometimes bleak life without my Tammy. I'm another year older, maybe a bit wiser, but... my life feels so shallow and meaningless.  Maybe someday, my life will be enriched with some sense of happiness. For now, I carry Tammy inside me, heart and soul, and take it one day at a time. 

What else can I do?

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

I opened up the box with the plaque he gave me for 32 or 33rd anniversary and when I saw it, I just closed the box. 

I can relate, Marg.  I have a heavy wood covered steel file drawers that we kept our sentimental things in, it's full of everything to do with George, cards we've given each other, notes, pictures, his funeral cards, obit, etc., so many memories.  I cannot lift it but my only hope is that it's being steel it'd survive almost anything.

It's too hard to waft through these memories and peruse them.  Even after nearly 13 years, it's still too painful.  After he died I had the bright ambition of scrapbooking his life...I bought the stuff to do it with...it never happened.  Too painful.  He exists in my memory, every detail, nothing forgotten, his voice, his smell, the way it felt when he held me or we cuddled, lovemaking, everything is in my memory, none of it forgotten.

@mittam99 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Reading here helps me feel normal in my grief.  I don't like it but I at least know I'm not off my rocker yet.

As those 'special' days come and go it sure reminds me of how much I miss my husband.  My son just turned 31 and Mother's day is too soon as well.  

I hope your birthday is better than you anticipate Mitch.

 

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

I'm 63 today and it's just another day in this perilous and sometimes bleak life without my Tammy.

We understand, dear Mitch ~ but we still celebrate YOU and send our very best wishes to you on your special day. ❤️

 

[Margm]

Well Mitch, I did not think of how it sounded telling you to  have a "happy" birthday.  So, I will change it and say I hope you have as peaceful a day as you can under these circumstances.  

 

[TomPB]

Best wishes Mitch. I've had one birthday without Susan and all I could think of was her absence.

[Gin]

Mitch,. I know how hard these "used to be special" days are.   Best wishes.

[brat#2]

Mitch, I know today is hard and I really don't feel I can say "Happy" birthday, but I do hope you find a little peace today and can find good memories to dwell on.  Hugs!
 

[Gwenivere]

As with everyone else, no referral to that H word.  Can’t say anything bettter than Marty did.  Glad you could reach out here.