If You're Going Through Hell

[Kieron]

I think maybe we have your weather.  It's like our usual weather has switched places because it's upper 70's and some rainy pattern for a few days being predicted.  About 2 weeks ago we had severely hot days with drying winds, and we're under drought warnings, as well, despite some showers.  Hope you can take cool showers/baths and be near a fan.

[Gwenivere]

This is a long ramble of self pity.  Doing it for myself as I can’t talk to anyone about it.  I tried calling my cousin yesterday and it was the same old trying to fix it that’s don’t work for me.  I knew it wouldn’t, just desperate to talk to another person.  So you may want to skip this jumble of wallowing.
 

This is unprecedented weather for here.  We would normally get maybe 4 days all summer in the upper 90’s and be done with it.  I just saw our forecast and by Friday it’s still going to be close to 90.  
 

showers are tough with my back.  don’t know when I’ll get to wash my hair again as I can’t stand in there so long with this heat.  Fans just push the hot air around.  We usually have natural AC coming off the ocean.  This is air coming from the mountains which is dry and like a desert.

Other people I know sound like they are coping better than I am.  I always see they have someone as a factor.  I just sit here not knowing what to do and seeing just how slow time can be.  Don’t have anything to look forward to anyway later.  

I don’t know how you’re doing it Kay, not that you have a choice.  I have to force Mel outside.  She lays here panting at me wanting me to fix it, I guess.  You don’t sound as hot as we are, but once it gets to 💯 it doesn’t matter.  

I wish I could get into watching TV during the day.  I’m not a stay at home person so this is torture.  I just got the paper and it’s hell outside.  I have a video chat this afternoon I hope I can get my iPad to stay steady on the coffee table.  Can’t sit in the kitchen for it.  Plus all this sitting makes the pain worse.  It’s a horrid cycle.  
 

The person I’m conversing with has so much going on in her life.  Always not enough hours in the day for her.  She is facing an eye surgery in a few weeks, but it’s the only serious thing she’s ever had.  She’s going to have to lay on her back for 3 days with 10 minutes every hour to get up.  Her house is cool, she has her partner, she cooks, practices drums, has her job she likes, etc.  I feel terrible thinking things I do like why doesn’t something go really wrong for her?  She’s 69 and never had anything really bad happen beyond losing parents like we all have.  She’s still able bodied and can’t relate to much of my circumstances.  So we talk politics and movies and our dogs.  She feels bad I lost Ally but can’t truly relate to the added significance of losing a dear pet that was your last tie to the life you had that was so good.  I resent I can’t get another dog for my handicaps.  I could sure use the life force.  They say don’t borrow trouble, but Mel getting older scares me so much.  I know I’m supposed to stay in the moment, but that’s a tough thing to do when you keep getting knocked down.  
 

Well, this is a pretty good example of how empty I am inside.  I’m so angry at life right now.  Wondering why me?  More why so much me?  We all have problems but that seems to be my entire existence.  I just don’t know why I’m here anymore.  What the point is.  And this back surgery?  To extend this?  The drop in pain would be nice, but it won’t change the loneliness.  People tell me that isn’t necessarily true.  Maybe.  But the things I liked to do will still be cut off.  I expected it with age but not so darned fast and sudden.  
 

another day I question why I even bother.   It’s that damned survival mechanism that is innate.  I know it can be bypassed tho.  That scares me too.
 

 

[Gwenivere]

Kieron?  Could you give our weather back please?  Having spent some time in Minnesota, I know you guys are prepared for this stuff.  🥵

[Kieron]

Wish I could!     We need the rain too, though.  But yeah we get all kinds of weather here, all except hurricanes, from hot and humid now, to subzero 6 months later.  It's crazy.  But the spring and fall are worth it.

[kevin]

Its Hot in Northern Alberta, beating  records from 1941.....99.5 F...my brother in law lives in Lytton BC, there at 112 f,,,only three more days.....Grandson had ball game cancelled because of heat..good news is no mosquitoes and relaxing all covid restrictions next week.....need a trip somewhere.....take care

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I don't think it's any cooler here than there, it's triple digits all over the PNW, they predicted 105 yesterday but I know it was hotter than that, broke records, 114 in Roseburg.  Unusual for June and for this duration!  I hope & pray my daughter did not work outside at the farm yesterday, esp. with her car having radiator problems.

[Gwenivere]

I’m concerned, now that I’ve been beaten into a worrier for the last year, that this summer may bring more higher temps than usual.  I know this 'dome' was extremely unusual, last was in the 1800’s, but now I’m reading how the damage we’ve done with climate change will really be catching up with us.  I don’t see a below 85 day til a week from tomorrow.

I’m finding the hardest part of this is not just physical.  My mental state is really scary to me.  That something might happen and no one would know.  I have a medic alert but that doesn’t cover my thoughts going whacky.  I had the Zoom call yesterday with the woman I know, and she was pretty content as their house is almost cold.  I had a hard time staying focused to talk.  I had a movie on last night and found it hard to follow.  It was depressing anyway so just muted it.  Tried to read and that was a joke.  Can’t stop my hands from sweating.   Never had that before.  It is super aggravating.  I’m also more clumsy in this.  This is really hard in the living room.  No supportive places to sit. That ramps up the pain.  I feel so damned helpless.  Add in my lung condition and this is true hell.  

Kieron,  we don’t usually have rain now, so you can keep that.  But the lower temps are what we need back.  
 

Supposed to have a virtual grief support group tonight, but can’t see doing it.  It’s one of the ones people are going to do biographies of their spouses.  I just can’t care right now.  That makes me feel bad, but I wasn’t all that interested in it anyway.  No interaction which is what I go for.  Not planning on one for Steve on July 12th, my day.  
 

going on 4pm here.  Worst hours of the day til about midnight.  Don’t know if I’ll take a drive to nowhere for some AC.  Those are depressing too.  
 

Don’t know if I’m done whining today.  It’s 108 outside right now.  93 inside, worst ever.  Don’t feel safe enough to take a warm shower, experts say no cold or cool ones as it messes up you core temp.  I really want to wash my hair, it’s been a week, but that could be courting danger.  Last thing I need is a fall or fainting.  Just feel gross.  I keep saying survival mode, but I’m not doing a very good job of it.

my parakeets seem OK with this.  They come from a hot climate.  
 

 

[Margm]

Tried to put a repeat of what Gwen said.  My hands shake too bad to keep the shadowing on the sentence, so I will type.  I just heard the heat that Seattle is suffering.  We just got a short, heavy shower.  Humid, hot Louisiana is used to heat waves but, I believe you all are suffering a severe climate change.  I am so sorry.  My sister was going to try to go to her AA meeting at 5:00, I don't figure she got out in it.  She has enough trouble breathing with her A/C turned down to 62 and drying out the air.  I have to keep ours on 72.  Humidity does not bother me, but I'm afraid it is debilitating to her.  Do not think she can continue working so we will look for government housing.  She is going to have a problem with the smoking outside conditioning.  

My daughter and son live in a very slim group of townhouses and the vents were not made large enough to carry the cool air up to where their bedrooms are.  They use fans but there are 17 steps to top floor.  Bottom floor at 70 keeps freezing up and right now they are without A/C.  They are buying a single wide trailer and will move out of the sauna they live in.

I know the people that live in areas they are not used to the heat and humidity, it makes it  hard to tolerate this heat.  I'm sorry.  With the shots, hope the pandemic is lessening, but I still wear my mask.  I had my first one and have to admit that with my tenuous health, I was very afraid, not of the shot, but how my screwed up insides would take it.  I was pestered by  family until I had the Moderna.  Will have another in July.  Only had a small inflamed area but did suffer low grade temp (taken care of with Tylenol) and tiredness and muscle aches for 24 hours.  I do that with my regular flu shot, would think it was in my head if it was not so uncomfortable.  

I am so sorry you all have that heat wave.  Kelli sent video of Nawlins (her Poodle) that is I think over 11 years old, and she just pants under the fan.  Kelli cut her hair so close she looks almost shaved, but had to because she was so hot.  

My thoughts are with you all, and I am sorry.  We did not have A/C until 1967, and did not know what it was to do without it.  We had window fans, attic fans, swiveling large fans, windows with screens, open all the time.  I can remember going to visit relatives in big old houses, high roof, large rooms, big porch on front and back with big oak trees all around the houses and thinking how nice it was.  In the mornings we would wake up with damp sheets, a lot cooler from the morning dew being pulled through the screens.  We did not know about A/C.

Again, my heart goes out to you and hope you have cooler weather soon.  Gwen, I have a bath stool in my shower that sits up high enough that I am not uncomfortable.  Actually scared of my balance unless I lean against side of shower.  

[kayc]

It was 96 INSIDE my house last night!  Truly miserable.  I clocked it at 110 outside but left before it hit its hottest, went to a neighbor's for BBQ and watched Sister Act.  It was nice to cool down for a while and the dogs played inside, but going home was a killer after the brief respite!

I never thought it'd be hotter here than in TX!  Yesterday they were in the 70s.

[Gwenivere]

Same here Kay.  Heatwaves here are 96 OUTSIDE.  Your neighbor must have AC.  I’d have been begging to stay!  
 

I’ve checked other places in the country and we had them all beat.  Canada was caught up in this too.  It was so bad many roads buckled creating big dangers.  So much for our temperament climate heritage.

Joyce, looks like you are on the higher end.

[kayc]

118 in Oakridge, it's never been that hot here!  96 inside the house.  Broke all kinds of records and didn't even cool down at night!  Yesterday they predicted 88, I got 96.  At least it beats 100s.  Funny how perspective helps.  Too hot to cook.  Too hot to walk much.  I need to walk Kodie soon or it'll be too late to.  I'll take him to Jazzy's in the afternoon as it's shorter and more shaded.

I swear I have the greatest neighbors in the world.  One reason I am still here.

[Margm]

In apartments, we really do not get to know neighbors.  I miss my friend in Arkansas where we actually visited each other.  That was before COVID though.  She is 80 or 81 now, I tried to call her but machine answered.  Remembered, she would not answer phone.  If I had used my cell phone, she would maybe have recognized the number.  Have been away from there nearly six years though.  I have no clue why you all are getting such hot weather.  We are used to it.  My sister has to stay inside with A/C turned down to 62.  

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

I have no clue why you all are getting such hot weather.  We are used to it. 

This was an odd phenomena.  Some kind of trapped dome that hasn’t happened since the 1800’s.  It crippled everything.  So many seriously sick and some people died.  Led to so much inactivity that those of us in pain wound up in even more.  I got edema that won’t go away.  Wrote my doc and he will say compression, but the socks are still too hot.  It’s hard to do what could help if it feels worse.  
 

I have a list for the day and I’ll probably get most done.  I’d like to try walking in a grocery store to find out if I can.  Don’t know if it’s too soon to try tho I know each passing day is not helping for lack of activity.  I’ve unsuccessfully been able to get get any feedback from the back doctor.  All I know was being stuck in my living room made things worse.  Just last week I hit stores to stock up for the heatwave.  Wasn’t easy but I could.  Now it’s a scary thing to try.   I don’t want to get stuck or have a bathroom emergency.  I also don’t need anything so it’s a risky experiment.  
 

I actually had some fun dreams before waking up.  One with Steve and the house was a disaster as I had been gone and I was shocked at how he let the house go to ridiculous extents.  I was giving him hell to clean it up.  In our usual way.  It was just so good to see him and fee, it was real.  The other was about I guy I find attractive from a TV show and wa s spending time with and was single and felt that thrill of wanting some physical interaction.  Flirty. I felt alive til the alarm went off to....this.   
 

Off to the day.  Wish I felt something good.  It’s hard leaving here in fear or so limited every day.  Just to know I’ll come back to this.  

[kayc]

My friends clocked it at 122 in Oakridge Monday!  We have NEVER seen such heat!  Most on my street do not have A/C, myself included.  I don't have windows conducive to that.  I know one who got one for $10 att a garage sale, he installed it, what a deal!  He has a small house so I'm sure it does fine.

Gwen, you've been on my heart this week, a lot...this heat has been a killer, I'm glad it's gone down to 80s.

I hear you on dreams, sometimes I don't want to wake up.  I love how my siblings put everything on me.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

I hear you on dreams, sometimes I don't want to wake up.

I never want to wake up, even if I’m not dreaming.  My world has gotten too harsh.  It’s finally dropped below 80 here snd I could still barely get the mail for breathing.  I also slept the whole night on one side, so after a shopping trip and all that entails putting stuff away after plus usual night stuff, I really struggled getting inside.  My darned mail alarm said the mail was here and it wasn’t.  I just saw the truck on the other side of the street.  
 

Anyway, sleep Is the closest to escape I have.  Tho mornings are tough when it’s near getting up as my mind races with knowing the day will be tough til I can go back.  The big question is am I waiting for some kind of change?  It’s certainly not going to get better that I can see.  So what is this weird game(?) I’m doing day after day?  It’s been going downhill for a year.  Adding new challenges I’m so tired trying to fight.  If the back surgery would solve more, I’d be scared but perhaps motivated.  It just creates a recovery hell to then address 3 other big physical probs and not at all a help mentally.   
 

No dreams last night that stuck.  Just lots of waking up because these temps are wreaking havoc physically.  Too hot, too cold, indigestion and meds.  The only thing I’m glad for today is no damned sunshine.  I like the grey.  Now to find a way to get somewhat comfortable.  
 

I should rename myself Eeyore.  

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I should rename myself Eeyore.  

Gwen:  LOL....Eeyore is my favorite Poo character.  Hugs, Dee

[kevin]

My brother in law lives in Lytton BC, the town was engulfed in a Wildfire Wednesday and is 90% gone....Everyone(1000 people) all evacuated and everything lost....They had 20 minutes notice and lost cell service.....2 people missing,,

[kayc]

Oh Kevin, that is horrible!  I am so sorry!  My heart goes out to everyone involved.  Fire is one of my greatest fears.  We are always in danger of it here, I've been lucky so far is all.  I'm glad people escaped with their lives!  Will keep them in prayer.

[Margm]

We are reading of all this down here in the furnace called "Louisiana" but after all these years we are used to it.  Not many temperatures as high as some of y'all are getting though.  I'm so sorry.  I guess we would still be living in those high ceiling homes, windows and screens on all of them.  The attic fan pulled in hot air, but we were used to it.  Humidity heavy so we "glimmered" a lot.  The sweat made the hot air cool the sweat.  I'm so sorry so many people have lost their life to this.  Climate change comes in all shapes and sizes I guess.  And, you will probably have a record cold winter.  Just as puzzling as this pandemic.  People with a Christian background sort of wonder if this is "it."  I don't know what "it" is, but I sure hope you all get some relief.  

Gwen, if you can prop your feet up on pillows and sit down longer than usual. 

I finally went to the doc, a real one, yesterday.  Changed my blood pressure med.  The kind I was on was reacting with the other two and I'm afraid I had a personality change.  I don't know why, but I was mean to everyone and couldn't quit being.  I am going to leave the house and just be by myself.  I hate a mean person and it was like I was channeling my mom.  Need to say I'm sorry to lots of family.  Apologized as best as I could.  Am truly ashamed of me. 

I think Marty's dad said "glistened" and I put glimmered.  I like all that, but I just plain sweat.  

 

[kayc]

I'm sorry, Marg.  It's pretty rare I feel that way but I do remember feeling like that before and it's a horrible feeling.  Best to be alone and see it out.   Maybe do something for YOU, have some peace and quiet, listen to good music, whatever calms/relaxes you.  And have chocolate if you can!  

[Margm]

I actually cannot get too far from the house except on fast trips.  It is really bad when you think about it.  I could not leave to "get away" because the person I wanted to leave was me.  You cannot get away from yourself no matter how many miles, how many different locales, you are still there.  I know they give propranolol for my tremor.  Doc gave me Diovan.  I was taking amlodipine for a week, noticed personality change.  It is a CCB (calcium channel blocker.  I was not complaining about the mood change, knew I was different, was told it was my fault, of course didn't want to accept that.  It really was.  I thought I was channeling my mom.  He put me on Diovan, an ARB (angiotensin receptor blocker) and I came out of it.  I knew propranolol sometimes causes depression.  I am a chronic depression person.  This regimen works..  Blood pressure down, moods evened out.  I apologized for the things I had said.  And, it was me, it was not them.  I don't want the propranolol, but he thinks it will help the tremors.  I can put up with them.  They make me drop things, I don't like using a shovel to eat with to keep things from falling off the big spoon, but I don't want any more chronic depression.  I'm not suffering, well, I am some, but I can put up with it.  

Legally, I am a widow, will be six years in October.  Mentally, I am still married, my ring stays on my married finger.  This man has lived 60 years in my heart.  Today is our 60th anniversary, whether he is here or not.

Also, don't take my word about the blood pressure meds.  You take what works for you.  My diagnosis is chronic depression, besides hypertension, so it just picked on my depression.  It might make other people feel wonderful.  I feel like that about clonidine at night.  I feel it helps me sleep and if you look, they use it for other things too.  

[Gwenivere]

Im so sorry to read about your struggles with the meds and now having to face a very significant anniversary.  I was wondering why you had disappeared but just read the side effects off the drugs you named and I can see how they really messed with you.  I have a slight tremor I hope doesn’t get worse, so I kinda get how having a large one would be very frustrating.  Can’t used the word here I’d really like to.

seems everyone here has had bad med reactions.  Doctors are so quick to dole out stuff, often with little knowledge of side effects.  I’ll look them up or ask the pharmacist   I’ve learned to turn them down now.  When my doc asks why I almost have to educate them.  Nothing riles me more than hearing ‘I’ve never heard of that reaction' when I say it’s common.  Too many patients don’t speak up feeling docs are more mighty than us.  I need their knowledge, not their judgement.  If I say it makes me feel bad that is sufficient with my noted reaction.  
 

I wish I knew what to say about your anniversary.  Went through our 38th in January.  It’s a day we can’t downplay because it marked the big commitment that was happy and started us down a long, sometimes rocky, road so young and new.  I still wonder how I wound up here so broken and alone.  To not have been feeling good always makes it worse.  It’s also a private day, not one that means anything to anyone else.  It was shared by 2.  To lose half is more than hard.  No one can fill that spot.  
 

of course it is still important even if he isn’t here.  Wishing you much love today, Marg.   I wish Billy could do it himself.  ❤️

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

Legally, I am a widow, will be six years in October.  Mentally, I am still married, my ring stays on my married finger.  This man has lived 60 years in my heart.  Today is our 60th anniversary, whether he is here or not.

Agreed Marg, it is so true our special someone will always live in our heart as long as we keep them there.  I continually get angry when I receive a piece of mail that says "Ms", I am still a "Mrs".  Special thoughts going out to you today, Marge.  Dee

[Margm]

I don't see where I put this, but if I did, just ignore it.  I went to our first apartment.  No honeymoon, just two other couples with us playing Rook and Dominoes all night.  We were all comfortable around each other.  The apartment is still there, they use it for storage now.  Two men that were working welding/or something mechanical beside it said it had seen better days.  To me it looked wonderful.  After 60 years it was in a lot better shape than I was.

My disposition is lots better.  I do not like being mean.  Sometimes feels like a person that would kick an animal and I sure would not do that.  I just didn't really realize a blood pressure med would make that much difference.  I don't want the propranolol.  I like the Diovan just fine, that and the Clonidine and I actually really liked and kind of trusted the doc.  He was my mom's doc.  Also have a follow-up.  Gonna get some sleep tonight.  Brianna went out with her mom and some of her mom's friends and actually initiated talk with a boy.  Baby steps.  Proud of her.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve learned to turn them down now.  When my doc asks why I almost have to educate them.

Me too!  I've talked to more people lately who tell their doctors NO to statins, and I agree!  I was on them 23 years, it causes diabetes.  Every Rx has side effects, the questions are, do the benefits outweigh the negatives?  Is it necessary?  Are the side effects more damaging than the thing they're trying to accomplish?  Much of the time they do what they have been taught (or brainwashed) into thinking my skewed studies put out by the very companies that stand to BENEFIT from their promotion/sales!  Not exactly unbiased.

21 hours ago, Marg M said:

Today is our 60th anniversary

I never have figured out what to say to someone who has an anniversary after death.  Happy Anniversary?  I'm sorry?  Nothing fits.  But suffice it to say you're in my thoughts, I know how tough these days can be to get through alone.  We can't pass through them like they don't exist, for us they always exist.  I wish I could still wear my ring but it would fall off now...I already had it resized once @ $275 to do it!  My knuckles are way bigger than my finger so they are hard to get a comfortable fit.  Maybe if I had one of those spring things put inside the ring...maybe someday.

This year would be 20 years for us.  He's been dead longer than he was in my life, that hit me hard when I passed that mark.  Funny though, he doesn't mean any less to me, in fact if anything I realize all the more what a gem I had in him, how special our relationship was, how lucky I was to have him...for even any length of time.  He's the only one who ever loved me like that.

16 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I receive a piece of mail that says "Ms", I am still a "Mrs".

Isn't our title technically Mrs. even if widowed?  I went by Ms. at work because I figured it was no one's business what my marital status was, it neither added nor detracted from the work I performed and chose to keep personal separate from business.  However, my coworkers all knew and I do miss the personal exchange at the job I had when George died, they knew him and loved him too.  My next place was different, they were not people of my choosing nor were they friends.  
 

Mrs.

A widowed woman is also referred to as Mrs., out of respect for her deceased husband. Some divorced women still prefer to go by Mrs., though this varies based on age and personal preference. Traditionally, this title would accompany the husband's title, first and last name (Mr. and Mrs.