If You're Going Through Hell

[Gin]

Kay….be safe!

[Gwenivere]

I hope you will not have to leave.  Since there are no shelters, where would you go? Thinking of you and Kodie.  💖

[KarenK]

Kay, I had no idea the fires were so close to you. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Take care.

[kayc]

I'm not sure where I'd go.  I don't want to live with my DIL, she would not want me there.  Haven't heard from my kids.  Usually my little sister offers, but she didn't this time.

I did ask Peggy to have a back up driver just in case because as long as evacuation is a possibility, I will not leave Kodie home alone.

[kevin]

Weather still looks like another couple of weeks  of this Dry heat...Good luck to you..My go bag was all papers and pictures/ pet food

[kayc]

I have two heavy tubs of photos that I can't lift and no time to go through them, no room in the car esp. if I have to take my sister and her huge heavy walker.  We had 27 fires close by, now down to nine!  The biggest one is not contained, nor the one near it, the terrain is too steep for them to make a line around it.

Peggy has not called anyone to take her to the eye doctor so I'm going to see if my neighbor will take Kodie in case of evacuation and I can meet up with them afterwards.  He's my main concern.  I will have to unload my  car before giving Peggy a ride to town.  This is hard.

I always prayed my way through the winter...now it's the summer I have to worry about!

My little sister offered me & Kodie to stay with her if it came to that, she's 3 1/2 hours away but she has a spare room.  I'm grateful for the offer.  She's the one who offered to take care of me if I should get Covid.

[Margm]

Probably won't be on much.  I am now alone for the first time in (it will be 79 years on August 13th).  How can I feel sorry for myself?  I have harbored my granddaughter for too many years to count.  I am/was doing her no good, except the counselor's told us "not to push" so I never pushed.  My biggest fear was dying in my sleep and her finding me..  She is 22-years old, has never had a date, has never done anything in crowds but used to go to concerts.  I allowed her to make a private apartment of the big bed and bath.  She would "try" to sleep all day, wake up near 10:00 pm, and I was staying up till sometimes 4:00 am and later to give her "company."  Never have I known a sweeter person, but even beautiful and sweet, she would talk back (not much, not mean), and remind me I had said something.  Also, you all know the generation I come from.  I am a very accepting OLD lady.  A lot in my family are gay or "bi" and I love each of them and it is none of my business what goes on behind closed doors.  But now, well now this is included: 

The historical concept of sexual identities is relatively new. ...Yet, sexual identity — and finding one to identify with — can also help build community and allow individuals to understand their own desires. ... Lesbian. ... Bisexual. ... Pansexual. ... Gay. ... Asexual. ... Allosexual.  And, I am afraid the list goes on and on.  New words for something I never learned.  I was/am as straight as an arrow and when my sister told me happily "I felt I had the best of both worlds."  Okay, she was happy.  I was happy for her.  A friend, her son was "??sexual" and she looked at me seriously, "now you cannot tell me you have not looked at another woman and not lusted."  Not exactly her words, but the meaning was totally exact.  I looked at her and said, no I have never looked at a woman, even a beautiful sexy woman with any more feelings than if I was looking at the "Mona Lisa."  

My granddaughter and I parted ways because I was shocked at two tween boys making out.  The fact is, she could never grow hidden in that big room.  With her mother will be fingers on chalkboard, but she will work on herself to make a life.  Sometimes she would contradict some things I did and somehow, I felt at my age, I was owed a little more respect.  Many times I told her if she was not comfortable, she could leave.  So, she finally did.  No anger on any of our parts.  I come from a different world.  I am allowed my own opinions, and I have kept quiet for so long. (know that is hard to believe), but she is the sweetest, most purely accepting person I know of.  But, I'm not.  I do so very good accepting things as they are, cannot change, no Biblical verses, just learn to accept.  Keep quiet.  I actually do very good for a nearly 79 year old gal.  But hearing nothing and feeling her standing somewhere in the house is sorta sad to me.  I have NEVER been on my own.  Guess I'm still not.  My sister has to know where I am, what I'm eating, making sure I go to the damn doctor (which I hate), he cannot save me.  But, he did change my BP med, and it helped.  He is a good guy..  

Perhaps my daughter can do what I  cannot.  They said "don't push" and my daughter is a bulldozer.  Perhaps that is what she needs.  I will adapt.  I am not afraid alone.  

That is that up to now.  Mama will be gone five years tomorrow.  She left about 10 months after he did.  And, I'm getting a new phone for seniors, used to be called a Jitterbug.  It has a GPS chip in it that can find me if I decide to go somewhere without telling.  I very seldom do that.  It has a big red star on it that if I am in any kind  of distress I can punch and help will arrive.  So, I'm not alone.  I do not want to get an animal.  I am like my aunt in this.  She was an animal lover, but during her last years she would not get one.  She was thinking of the pet.  It would be lost without her and have to be rehomed or worse.  

That's all.  

[Margm]

On 7/28/2021 at 6:00 AM, kayc said:

My mom used to fix everything with duct tape and nylons, I can add toilet plunger to her repertoire.  My mom would appreciate it if she were alive and thinking.

Add Gorilla Glue and you have it fixed...........whatever needs fixed.  It held our mailbox on the long board of mailboxes for 10 years through snow, wind, cold, heat, and it never loosened.  

[scba]

Dear Marg

Things change and people need to change. Perhaps the "no push" was a good advice, but not anymore. Your grand daughter decided it was time for a change, perhaps the force of youth is bigger than her fears, and your support and understanding will guide her while she explores a new phase of her life. You did all the best you could and you are an amazing grandma. 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Probably won't be on much.  I am now alone for the first time in (it will be 79 years on August 13th).  How can I feel sorry for myself?

Marg, it’s good to hear from you.  I hope we actually hear more from you as you enter this new place of being alone.  I’ve been since Steve died snd I have to reach out and don’t have the benefit of anyone close in the real world.  My habit is to come here after waking up.  I’ve really missed hearing from you and how you are doing.  I’m so sorry you’re granddaughter didn’t respect you more for all you gave her.  You are beautifully forgiving.  But that is what love is.  Your sister may hound you but the loss of a physical presence is hard.  I never knew days could be so long.  Good you have medical backup, I have a pendent to replace Steve.  It’s a yucky reminder.  I’m amazed you have found some motivation to keep going.  That is what  I miss from your word salads.  Hope we hear more about this change.  
 

I understand about a pet.  I have my dog and birds and it’s become a lot of work.  But I’d wither away without some life in the house and plants don’t cut it.  
 

Having your mom til you were 74 is amazing.  It’s been 31 years for me so I was 35.  I still miss her.
 

Hugs to you you, lady!  ❤️

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Also, you all know the generation I come from.  I am a very accepting OLD lady.  A lot in my family are gay or "bi" and I love each of them and it is none of my business what goes on behind closed doors. 

Marg:  So good to see you on the Forum again.  I was wondering if you have been ok. 

Oh yes, I know the generation you come from, I am a year ahead of you and I try hourly to remain a very accepting OLD lady.  These times anymore are really difficult to understand, much less accept.  Being raised in the South, too, I have been accused of being too Southern in my standards in many situations. 

Many years ago when my sister in law shared to me she was gay, it didn't make any difference to me who she loved.  Through the years, it has been a learning experience talking and listening to her when and how she knew she was gay.  She and her partner are very dear to me. 

I am sorry your grand daughter felt she had to leave as she did.  I am sure within time she will smooth over any bad feelings.  At age 22, I believe that is the beginning of reaching adulthood for some.  Not sure why 18 is considered being an adult in our society. 

As others have stated, you are an amazing Grandma and Mother.  Hugs and wishing you peace in your heart.  Dee

[Margm]

On 8/5/2021 at 3:22 PM, Gwenivere said:

Having your mom til you were 74 is amazing.  It’s been 31 years for me so I was 35.  I still miss her.

I came home just as Mama was leaving.  She had actually left a long time ago.  I didn't like her, but I loved her and admired her even more than that.  She was a wonderful mom until she had my sister.  My little sister does not remember a wonderful mom.  Sometime after the pregnancy, her little mind broke.  Now business-wise, she could have been the CEO of some big company, but as wife and mom, she was absent.  I had to come back home to find her again, she was still a mean woman before the Alzheimer's.  But I am at peace with her now.  Tomorrow is her death anniversary.  I closed her eyes and told her to tell Billy I was so sorry I was not holding him.  I will never live that down in my mind, I failed him and me.  The pictures are of Scott and Kelli and Mama and Daddy teaching me to make hand motion of "goody-goody"

With Kelli taking her, Brianna got out to her favorite kind of store, books and LP records.  She has a huge collection.  Bri is beautiful, has never been on a date and I had to physically chase two young men away from her at school.  At her request.  In this new store she met a college student, singer in some local band, and he asked for her number.  He was very kind, slow, not pushing her (the other boys were) and they have texted constantly since meeting him.  He knows it is her first date and I think he got scared, and maybe he was thinking he was getting too serious..  He stressed they were friends and she told him at the first time she met him she was not ready for anything else.  She ignored a few of his texts and now he has, of course, come on gangbusters.  So, they will go out Saturday night.  Not six months ago she got anxious if she could not see me in Walmart.  I don't know how this is going to go, but it has to be better than hiding in her big room.  She and I are not angry with each other.  This had to happen sooner or later.  She has to grow.  She has to learn there is a world out there and the college is only about 4-5 miles, or less than Kelli's house.  She would have never gone over here and I get too exhausted taking her shopping, I pushed this on Kelli who is taking chemo for the thyroid cancer.  Some cells still in the thyroid, and her being a bleeder, they don't want to operate on such a vascular place, but will if this does not work.  I'm worried, and of course Scott has not been checked yet.  He lied to me and told me he had.  Men are difficult about their "family jewels" yet it is second nature for a woman's legs to be in stirrups with cold instruments ramming everywhere.  Life really was a magazine.  

 

 

[Margm]

So sorry, the pictures came out big.  I don't know how to make them smaller.  The two are over 77-78 years old. 

Kay, could not find what you said.  Tried some other things.  In my listing of pictures they are all the same size.  I wish I could get them down as small as Scott and Kelli's.  

[Gwenivere]

Look at you!  People forget us wrinklies started as babys too!  

[Margm]

I was very "healthy" looking, guess I still am.  I stopped at the cemetery yesterday and put an autumn arrangement at the end of Mama's part of the stone.  She loved red roses.  This was pretty though.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, scba said:

Dear Marg

Things change and people need to change. Perhaps the "no push" was a good advice, but not anymore. Your grand daughter decided it was time for a change, perhaps the force of youth is bigger than her fears, and your support and understanding will guide her while she explores a new phase of her life. You did all the best you could and you are an amazing grandma. 

Agreed!

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’d wither away without some life in the house and plants don’t cut it.  

Exactly, besides, plants need tended to and don't remind us, dogs will do that! 

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

I don't know how to make them smaller.

I open them in Paint (on my PC, I don't do anything on my cell phone except talk/text, and not much of that) and resize them there, crop and save as (smaller).

[Margm]

Kay, my cellphone is a Jitterbug and I only talk on it.  Could not find "paint" on my PC.  Tried to use "size" but nothing worked.  

[Margm]

I actually am sad being alone.  Then I think, well if she comes back, I won't be alone, but I will be expected to do things with my time I don't have to do now.  When my son was divorcing, he was in the Navy on submarines.  His ex (to be) had a new husband.  The kids were in her way.  She was never a mother, did not want to be, cannot think about the abortions she had, some were not my son's.  She let us keep them for the week end.  Our hearts were broken.  When they were gone, our hearts were just shattered.  So, we were to meet on a certain place for her to pick them up.  We waited, we waited and we waited.  She was very late picking them up.  Enough time for me to think "do I want to go through raising two more children?  I guess I was selfish, but as much as we wanted to keep them, we were in our 40's and our own kids were almost out of the house (they  never really left).  I had tasted freedom.  Billy had made a proposition to keep them.  She actually wanted us to but her folks (who would not have taken them) talked her out of it.  The kids were raised by an Air Force sergeant with an absent mother 99% of the time.  She did not want children.  Our grandson, we have not heard from in months.  After he got out of rehab, he was so clear sounding (his words were gibberish for years) and his words to his dad were "I'm sorry, I've learned to live without drugs, but I do not want to."  He is in his 30's now.  I think he might be in jail, which is dangerous in itself, but I would know he had a warm bed, food to eat, and some manner of discipline.  Not an ideal place, but he made his sober choice.  You have to get it out of your mind.  I can.  Why can't I do everything else like that?  

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

You have to get it out of your mind.  I can.  Why can't I do everything else like that?  

I’m so sorry about the history with the grandkids and dynamics.  
 

You pose an excellent question.  I try and either push things out (rarely successful) or at least take some of the power away.  Not great at that either for very long.  There’s a fatigue I live in that has sapped my strength to control most of my emotions. Some have even disappeared like small times of content.  Mine is further fueled by pain.  I know anything I do will hurt.  That chips into the emotional.  I see how much better I could/would handle so much if that were out of the equation.  One thing I can’t remedy also is loneliness.  I reach out to people about little things people talk about, but know I shouldn’t say much about what I feel.  Don’t want them dreading to hear from me and put them in the position of having to figure out how to respond.  I don’t know how many times I’ve cut out the big things on my mind for chit chat.  Although it’s not fulfilling, I need the connection.  I was discussing the vaccine crisis with a UK buddy and replied to a lengthy thing he wrote with my own and got back.....such is life.  Maybe there was no more to say but I got the message he was done.  I have to remind myself he has his own issues he is fighting.  Just miss talking about what’s on my mind anytime and that was always with Steve.  No rules or limits.  Can’t stop crap from happening, but miss being able to talk anytime.  Most days it’s no time.  I don’t count counseling as that is structured and while they care, they aren’t friends and involved with me daily.  
 

I’m happy for all you that have social support.  I thought I’d have some too, but what little is left is not about this.  I don’t think there’s a solution for an extrovert forced into solitude.  As I wrote once, I didn’t plan for this.  Tho how I would have created people that didn’t exist wouldn’t have been possible.  I was happy with people I was around because I had a real home.  Just like they do still.  Didn’t have to bury grief because..... I had none!  This has stolen so much more than I could have ever imagined.  I didn’t even know the word beyond missing my parents.  But they weren’t in my life 24/7.  I do miss calling them as I would now.  Familiar voices, just like his sister who left too.  

[kayc]

On 8/6/2021 at 8:53 AM, Marg M said:

Kay, my cellphone is a Jitterbug and I only talk on it.  Could not find "paint" on my PC.  Tried to use "size" but nothing worked.  

If you have a microsoft operating system, it should be in your programs.  I put mine in the startup menu so it's easy to find.

Being alone gets old, I know, I've lived this way for 16 years, Covid made it all the harder.  I work very hard at keeping neighbors in my life.  Tried to visit one yesterday but they were gone (she's always home).

[Margm]

I lost a cousin on the 4th.  I could not go to funeral.  Another cousin, her kids (grown) would not let her and her husband go.  I have not seen my uncle since 2018.  Would not dare go around them.  The first two days she was gone, I couldn't even cry.  Honestly, if you have someone around you, no matter how sweet they are, you know "something" is expected of you.  No one but my sister does that now.  I think I like living by myself.  I miss her, but I was not helping her by hiding her from life.  She met this boy, college student, plays in a band, works at store for books and the long play  vinyl records.  They went in there twice and she actually talked to him.  They have been texting now for awhile and she is actually going on a date with him.  I hope she has enough "wherewithall" to talk and not freak out if he holds her hand.  She does not like to be touched.  But, she  has got to learn to live life.  She talks to therapists on the phone five minutes and that does not help anything.  Now we all have (I hope) enough sense not to  question her.........if she goes.  I can't see her going.  She actually has been too much living in a bubble.  

We will see.  She is not angry with me and I'm not with her.  I think she did me a favor.  But I sure love her very much.

Kay, I do have Microsoft.  Will look into it.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

On 8/6/2021 at 9:10 AM, Marg M said:

I actually am sad being alone.  Then I think, well if she comes back, I won't be alone, but I will be expected to do things with my time I don't have to do now. 

It’s weird how we get all twisted about being with people now that the one person  is gone.  What you wrote is how I would feel if someone was here now that wasn’t before.  When Steve was here that was normal daily living and there weren’t expectation pressures at all.  It was daily life together.  I even feel it when our buddy comes for his monthly visit.  Odd to feel glad for company but also waiting til it ends.  Unlike years ago when I was happy, the social situations drain me instead of make me feel connected.  So much of the conversation is always about what others are doing as their Iives are still complete emotionally.  Will hear the same today from my Sunday buddy and the women at the church.  Busy, busy, busy.  I don’t know what it’s like to forget about time.  I’m aware of it all the time.  Guess I was before, but I was busy with us too.  Meaning I wasn’t waiting for it to pass, it flowed by sometimes trying to fit more in.  What a laugh now.  I’ve got less to do being single.  
 

What gets me is people say they’d love to have all this time.  I understand that, but not the way we do.  I’ve never had anyone out and out say it, but I’ve perceived it from little comments here and there.  This isn’t because I retired and am scrambling to fill hours I didn’t realize took more effort.  This is plain old loneliness of the highest form.  I went shopping again yesterday and realized half of what I bought wasn’t really needed.  Stuffing in the extras when I got home.  Even what could be used just added to the stockpiles.  
 

Just grabbed the Sunday paper.  Delta variant in the headline as it rampages on.  Got a notice yesterday my cleaners ask we mask up again. News talking about more social venues doing the same.  Having to have proof or no service.  Not that I go to restaurants or theaters anymore.  It just makes me sadder of how the world has changed so drastically.  It’s amazing the creativity like designer masks. But the reason is so awful.  Maybe I’m more sensitive to it being in grief.  Others seem to take it in stride now.  Outside of politics I don’t hear any bitching.  All I know is it took a very changed personal world and added a big public layer of more distance from engagement.  Not just physical.  
 

As horrible an analogy can be, people in actual prison have more of a social life than I do.  Some actually a darned good reason they are separated from the people that love them and those people are still alive! 
 

 Now off to create a chore.  Something that should be the norm.  Unfortunately I never forget about that time.

 

[Margm]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Delta variant in the headline as it rampages on.  Got a notice yesterday my cleaners ask we mask up again

Kelli was leaving the $ store as three people were coming in.  They fussed and cussed the manager.  They  said "what are you going to do if we come in anyhow.  She told them she would call the police.  We are under mask mandate, shots or not.  I was already wearing them, and will keep on until we are safe, if ever.  I'm glad its not Ebola.  One many years friend, many years old friend fell into dementia the last three years.  He passed today.  I've known him and his wife like all my life.  They were grown when I first knew them as I was a kid, so they both are in their late 80's.  Strange, being married over 60 years, I imagine Bonnie will follow him soon.  They were missionaries when I knew them the 2nd time, came from my home town and discovered them at my grown up home church.  My biggest fear with Brianna here was that she might find me unable to wake up.  I don't worry about that anymore.  Also, her date lasted about six hours or more.  Met his parents.  I know getting hurt happens.  Always if I broke up with someone, I did not grieve.  If they broke up with me, or made it where I could not go with them again, I was just depressed with that appearance all the time.  (Until a couple of weeks and there was someone else.)  I really was a good girl, but I did like a variety.  By the time Billy came along I was tired.  And, Mama's quote from probably Shakespeare was "Men have died and worms have eaten them, but not for love" and I actually think she still believed that even after Daddy passed.  I believed differently when Billy left.  I figured whoever wrote it had not had Billy for a mate.  Anyhow, I hope she does not get hurt.  Her little mind, I worry about.  

I do believe Louisiana has overtaken Florida for the most COVID.  We do have some stupid people.

As an addendum, the many years old friend that passed today, just found out his wife has it  too.  Same age.  Sometimes people think they have rights, which they do.  We have a right to bear arms.  But, if we go into a crowded stadium and use our right to bear arms by killing 100 people, can you compare that to "right not to have the shot, their choice" and then they go into a family party and all the elders die, sometimes our rights impose on other people., but yes, we still have the rights.  I mentioned sometime before at the starting of this pandemic a son wanted to give his mom and dad an anniversary party.  One of the servers unknowingly had COVID.  My cousins brother in law had wanted to see his great grandchildren.  He was the first to go, then the two anniversary honoree's left within two days of each other.  Three people from a small family party.  We have to protect ourselves from those that would not protect us, and in the meantime protect them too.  

 

[kayc]

On 8/7/2021 at 4:51 PM, Marg M said:

Kay, I do have Microsoft.  Will look into it.

You can right click on the picture and click on open with Paint.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

One many years friend, many years old friend fell into dementia the last three years.  He passed today. 

I am so sorry, Marg...it seems the older we get the more losses we face.  Personally death sounds a bit of a release to me!  It was when my mom died of Stage IV Lewy Bodies Dementia.  I think my sister's is Alzheimer's.