If You're Going Through Hell

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Personally death sounds a bit of a release to me! 

Yes, kayc there many days I feel the same way.  I don't think I could hasten the event, but trying to face every day sometimes gets harder and harder, as the days pass.  I keep reminding myself to look for that reason and put that "foot in front of the other".  Just not very much fun anymore.  I peeked at your recent photo of Kodie on another thread last night and he made he smile.  Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

He had dementia, but died of COVID.  Daughter has a cancer that has to be fought constantly.  I don't know if they let mom be with Bob, but she has COVID now too.  My heart is with them all.  That is just one family.  How many more? 

[Margm]

59 minutes ago, widow'15 said:

I don't think I could hasten the event,

I'm a mustard seed Christian.  I planned on hastening the event.  My mustard seed got in the way.  

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, widow'15 said:

I don't think I could hasten the event, but trying to face every day sometimes gets harder and harder, as the days pass.  I keep reminding myself to look for that reason and put that "foot in front of the other".  Just not very much fun anymore.

I never thought I’d end up so drawn to and afraid of dying.  It is the every day plodding thru the massive change that triggered so many others, so little of what was me is left anymore.  I feel it deep in me, but there’s no expressing it much as the battles are non stop physically or painful memories of a full life.  It’s gotten pretty pathetic my lists of the day with stuff like feed the birds just to have something to cross off.  Wind the clock.  Used to be volunteering, reminders of which stores had the sales on what we needed, occasional check ins with docs, the dog park, so much because I was living a life.  Now I sit a lot.  I go out not knowing where to go to fill time.  That’s hard enough but also seeing my neighborhood change with 'advances' that have marred the once open places is depressing.  I used to walk the track at a local high school and got to know others there.  Now it’s locked tight.  I helped pay for the upgrades thru property tax and am barred.  It may be beautiful now, but I miss the old social place.  It was more old hometown than shiny upscale fancy.  I want to scream sometimes saying why can’t you leave things alone?  They are fine.  Stop tearing down beautiful vegetation for apartments and parking.  The light rail going through has massive concrete pillars all along what were lush berries along the freeway.  So sterile and ugly.  I’m too old to ever appreciate the energy conservation and that creates a problem too.  So much of what is happening is for the younger and productive.  I get now why my once older neighbors griped about changes.  I want security and stability.  Things that for decades were the landmarks of this tiny 'hood.   Maybe run down, definitely lots of empty space.  Yeah, I feel choked with all the new traffic.  All the places to now avoid because the little businesses were swallowed up for big chains.  When I wanted to go to them I had to drive north about 8 miles.  I never minded.  When we were getting our furniture just right all the places were there too.  They’re mostly gone.  The heart of here, a major mall, is being remodeled to something fancy.  The newer tower with big chains killed it.  No more hairdresser I liked, going to Hallmark for Xmas ornaments, a bath place for my hand soaps.  I miss the kiosks that had those 3D posters that had hidden images.  It was like a mini street fair.  Always new things to check out amid the staples.  
 

reading this I see I am an old woman alone now.  Some of the changes I would check out with Steve.  We’d might grumble or maybe say, hey....that’s cool.   This always comes back to the core.  His loss.  We live across the street from a church.  If they ever change the zoning it would be apartments.  We were always glad it is there.  I hope that doesn’t change while I’m still here.  Our street has so much more traffic than it ever did.  
 

I'm trying to figure out what old, limited people do during the day.  The last thing I want is to start turning on the TV.  Might as well hang a RIP sign around my neck.  😓

[widow'15]

51 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I'm trying to figure out what old, limited people do during the day.  The last thing I want is to start turning on the TV.  Might as well hang a RIP sign around my neck.  😓

Gwen:  I understand how you feel about the area changing so quickly.  Unlike you, I am more content to stay put at home instead of getting into my car and finding a need to go out.  Last week as I was needing to meet with my son to set up my Comcast service at my new home, I had the option of going to an office closer to my current home, but instead chose to drive to my son's, an hour away, that I am accustomed to driving instead.  The closer location was in an area I haven't driven in for years, so would be like going to a new city.  My eyesight isn't forgiving in unfamiliar areas.  Tacoma is rapidly changing as Seattle is changing.   My driving slower only makes other drivers more impatient with me. 

I find there isn't anything really worth watching on TV anymore.  I'm too old for so many of the shows or the old movies remind me how old and limited I am.   

I try not to think about the outside world.  The world I was used to living in is long gone.  If I ever get myself resettled in my new home totally, I'll worry about the world then, or not.  It takes everything inside me to just get through my silly, boring day.

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I'm a mustard seed Christian. 

Marg: I consider myself somewhat a Christian, so I will work on remembering that mustard seed more as I go through my day.  Thank you for the reminder.

Dee

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I never thought I’d end up so drawn to and afraid of dying.  It is the every day plodding thru the massive change that triggered so many others, so little of what was me is left anymore.

I was so afraid of dying and Brianna finding me.  Now I don't have that worry.  I hope I just go to sleep and wake up with Billy.  I know that you have to be a deep, true believer to imagine what sounds like a fairy tale.  As I have quoted so many times, he would say "I am you and you are me" and dammit, that part that is him, it seems a long way away.  Oh, I can see that leg, below the knee, where he shot himself in the leg.  Actually, it was an accident and failure of a young man to be careful.  He placed the shotgun on the fence and was so lucky it just took away the fat pad below his inner leg.  If I could just touch it, and I feel like I can.  Nothing sexual y'all, just "me being him."  And he would always say "Why do you believe like you do?"  Of course, I said "Because I have to" and at those times I felt so far away from my religion by my own guilt, it was Billy who brought me back around.  "He (Jesus) is the good shepherd, he would leave his 99 sheep for one lost one" and my Billy was studying to be a Methodist minister when something bad happened.  I may have said what it was before, but just believing his pride, human pride, is involved, I can't.  He does not have human pride anymore.  I have to believe like I do, Billy, and know it was like you did too.  But sometimes I worry about why I believe.  Mama said "don't ever question the Bible" so I have not.  

And here I am talking about religion.  My knees hurt, I stay fairly close to home, I read my Kindle, and I've gotten to where I don't want to see anyone.  I saw both of my kids today.  I do love.  I miss Brianna and I want to cry but then I think "what if she moved back in?"  I don't want her hiding from the world in that room of hers.  

I see some things I am curious about looking into boxes for.  That is a big step for me.

I'm sorry, word salad, hold the dressing.  

[Gwenivere]

I’m booked for back surgery 8/18.  I’m terrified and don’t know if I can do this.  I’ve being barraged by phone calls and trying to set up pet and house care.  I’m sick to my stomach more than usual from the anxiety and whatever is wrong anyway there.  The pain is indescribable and I need to bathe.   I can barely get around.  To top it off we have 90+ temps thru Saturday.  My buddy who would take Mel is not sure if he’ll be able to take me in.  I told him he can’t take Mel til that day.  I’m a bit hurt that he would even make it a question.  He has big work stuff, but he knew this was possible.  He’s the only one than can run a new system they installed.  My luck or lack of.   I was crying saying I need someone I know to take me.  I’m supposed to bring my end of life directive too.  How uplifting.
 

I’m so overwhelmed.  Seeing how complicated this is alone.   Even the heat will be hard with the portable AC for emptying the water reservoir.  The pets and house wouldn’t be an issue if Steve were here.  ( There’s so much to try and tell people about care and feeding.  )  Nor what I might need at the hospital.  I’d also actually have a meaningful motive to do this.  I’m just too scared to throw in the towel and end this 'life' crap altogether.  I’d probably  mess that up too.   I have to get a covid test too on Monday.  Damned pandemic.  
 

I’m trying to figure out how to live a week in all this.  Then face my biggest nightmare.  Just sit here thinking about it?  I can’t put it out of mind.  It’s not even a relief to look forward to like when I had other surgeries.  I’ve never been cut open.  Others were laparoscopic.  I can’t find out when the surgeon's assistant is going to call.  I have so little control.  I have so many emails to write to cover things and hope there are no more snags.  
 

I guess I’ll stop here. Have counseling, then pre anesthesia call and hopefully a shower.  AC is running.  Will have to deal with the reservoir as needed.  Have to eat later and I just don’t care.

[widow'15]

31 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m booked for back surgery 8/18

Gwen:  One huge step made.  You will be in my thoughts between now and when it's over.  Hopefully the weatherman is correct in reporting rain is in the forecast next week.  A few rain showers could help cool the Northwest off. 

So sorry you are feeling so alone as you deal with the pain.  Take care.  Hugs, Dee

[Gin]

Gwen,  so sorry you are so miserable.  So hard when you are alone!  Will you have home health care when you get home?  Sure hope your friend can take you.  You are in my prayers and thoughts.

gin

[kayc]

Gwen, I wish you well as you go through this.  Saying prayers!

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sick to my stomach more than usual from the anxiety and whatever is wrong anyway there

I understand.  I wish he'd take you in too, am glad you have someone for Mel.

 

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m just too scared to throw in the towel and end this 'life' crap altogether.  I’d probably  mess that up too.

I understand, that'd be my luck too. Reminds me when my sister Donna became quadriplegic AND it killed her three year old son AND her fiance did a disappearing act on her, she had to move back with my mom (Mommy Dearest), she wanted to kill herself but couldn't as she was totally dependent on us...I was 14 when it happened 15 when she got out of the coma & thus hospital and  I remember thinking that was the worst position to be in.  She was amazing though and lived 50 years that way, she had an amazing attitude, I love/d her so much, she was an inspiration to me when I went through hard places.

I wish a nurse could stay with you as you recuperate. We need our spouses, even if only for moral support.

Will your friend be able to bring Mel to visit you?

[KarenK]

Gwen, my heart is with you. I know how frightened you must be. I'm glad your friend will be caring for Mel. I hope he'll follow through with taking you to the hospital.

How long will you be there and then in rehab? This is definitely one of those times, we all need to live closer.

[Margm]

Our Seniors Center gets together and those who have no one to help, somehow help is found.  I've never had to use them and I think your too young Gwen.  They would come and get me with help provided and bring me home.  I know about it because Kelli lived in government housing.  Everyone had a nurse in Kelli living there, but she burned herself out. think it is run by donations.  If I happen to pass by their big center and there are too many cars to count, then I know it is "food day"  

But, that is mostly for government housing residents.  I don't think it would hurt to call and see if maybe as big a city as Seattle might possibly have this for people that have not reached Medicare age, or government assistance age.  

I know you are afraid.  I am facing not being on the Xanax.  My doctor won't give them period.  I can keep going to Arkansas, but I have got off them before.  I have nothing that can be worked on, even the essential tremor is inherited.  I'm glad I didn't give it to my kids.  My sister didn't get it, but two aunts did.  One started so late in life she decided she would not put up with it.  Perhaps mine starting in the 6th grade and progressing slowly was easier than for one aunt who had bizarre symptoms, arms waving, etc.  She opted out.  Just starved herself to death.  That, and being in her 80's (still a beauty), she would not accept company.  Some came from the church uninvited and everyone knew she was in such distress.  Baptists gossip.  Yep, they do.  I was a little kid listening to Mrs. Strong talk about a relative. "Yes, she lost the baby because she once had an abortion, God's punishment."  My aunt knew they would talk.  She was vain.  She lived by her beauty.  She and her sister neither looked even 60 when they died.  This essential tremor is inherited and I'm so glad my grandchildren, children, great grandchildren do not have it, but it passed directly to my cousin's son.  He is grown now and like me, it is what it is.  

My doc gave me the best reason to get off, he said it caused dementia.  I'm going to google that if I can remember to.

Gwen, all we can do is wish you the best.  Please try calling some medical centers first, since you don't qualify as a senior.  It won't hurt to check it out.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

I'm going to google that if I can remember to.

I did remember to.  It was true.  One year's study linked it to Alzheimer's.  Next year's study contradicted that.  I'm not going cold turkey, might go cold Christmas, or 4th of July, maybe Flag Day.  

[Gwenivere]

I do qualify as a senior, Medicare and all.  I don’t like having people I don’t know around.  Probably because I don’t do well with scheduled med stuff.  On my call with anesthesiology, they told me my surgery was slotted for almost 5pm!   My email says 1:30.  They wanted me to take a shower with some special soap and I said nope, won’t happen.  Said wear no jewelry, said nope, they can put tape over my ring and earrings.  No nicotine but I said not gonna have withdrawal and will have some getting there.  The woman said OK, all I’m giving you is normal protocol. I’ve had surgery before and was never required to do all this and I was a smoker back then.  I’ve never been cut open, so they will have to figure that out for the shower.  I barely got thru the one I took tonight.  I remember Steve doing it, but he could walk.  I’m sure they have ways to deal with all this.  I understand being careful, but not all situations are the same.  
 

I’m not trying to be difficult.  But I have limits and I know I will be caught up in getting my anxiety meds in place.  My buddy won’t be bringing Mel to visit.  She’d be too freaked out.  I don’t expect I’ll get any visitors.  You have to have close friends for that.  I’ll be trying to take everything I can think I’ll need.  I did sign up for a Netflix plan for streaming.  My hope is when I get home I’ll be on my own power.  Don’t know if it will require PT.  Hope not. Hope that is addressed about what I can do at home and optional.  I just want this over with.  Let me come home and be lonely without pain.  Do more with Mel.  Maybe sleep without dreading it and getting up.  

I don’t know how long I will be in the hospital or rehab.  This all depends on how how well the doc does and the strength of my bones.  I know it’s really going to hurt from cutting.  Last time I did this gig was for pneumonia.  Much less complicated.  
 

Thank you for all the good wishes.  Only you understand how hard this is without our partner.  So much I wouldn’t have to worry about and deal with.  I don’t think I’m mad at Steve, just feeling this is so unfair.  I played caregiver.  I need him now.  

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

My doc gave me the best reason to get off, he said it caused dementia.  I'm going to google that if I can remember to.

Marg:  After my wonderful PC doctor for over 17 years retired, the younger PC doctor I started seeing would not write a prescription for a refill on Xanax.  I had used a slight dosage to help me sleep after Bob passed away.  The new doctor stated the same reason that it had been determined to cause dementia.  

Yesterday I was talking to my SIL on the telephone and he told me that my daughter's kidney doctor who had been prescribing Xanax to my daughter for her anxiety issues was instructed by the medical board, not sure which governing board it would be exactly that he would have to cut my daughter's dosage in half.  She was able to have her pain pump physician continue her usual dosage.  Seems interesting to think some physician's will and some won't.   Dee

[MartyT]

We're all thinking of you and pulling for you, Gwen. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. How I wish we could make it all go away. Keep us posted as you are able to do so, and know that we care . . . ❤️

[Gwenivere]

This controversy about Xanax drives me bonkers.  Yes, some people abuse it.  Just like a lot of other meds.  It is a medication.  It has uses and does well for them.  I hate when it’s referred to as a drug.  Then it’s demoted to an evil thing.  Many need temporary help, like some here that did in the shock of loss.  Others, like me, that have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and would not be able to function without it.  Sometimes I feel like I am getting dementia, but I look what is happening around me.  There are times, especially lately, when your plate is overflowing.  I had one on call doc I was calling about something else and the Xanax came up and she gasped and said it was abuse.  Talk about judge mental!   Nothing like making a patient feel like scum.

5 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Seems interesting to think some physician's will and some won't.

This is when you find out if a doctor looks at you as a person, or just follows what they have been told with little regard to their patients needs.  I’m glad your daughter has a compassionate physician.   

[Kieron]

The old War On Drugs has warped our view of medicine and by extension, medication, which came about as a means of treating pain and disease (dis-ease) of every kind.  In the US particularly, the puritanical insistence that pain must be endured, or that the sufferer deserves it somehow, has never quite gone away.  I see it a lot in my line of work, and I see credentialed, educated, licensed professionals who go into the field of medicine, social work, law, etc with no personal experience in suffering, who are judgmental of suffering people--until it happens to them personally.  Then their attitude changes (sometimes).

Fortunately in recent years, things have changed and now those very sufferers--people who have suffered personally, been an addictive personality, a patient, a parolee, a bereaved parent, a convicted felon, a victim of crime, etc are now entering these same fields with life experience and getting degrees and credentials and bringing reality checks to the fields, and I can say that is AWESOME and about damn time. 

There's no degree like the one from The University of Life to open one's eyes.

[Kieron]

Gwen, I sure hope there is a patient advocate or patient rep or social worker or something in your local system that could help shoulder some of the burden of navigating the crazy bureaucracy and requirements.  I know it's crazy-making.  It's NOT you, it's the system, which is heartless, cold and bureaucratic by design.  Recently The Atlantic, some kind of political monthly periodical, had a story about how the unemployment benefits systems around the US were deliberately made difficult, insanely bureaucratic, and intentionally defeating to try to keep people from accessing unemployment benefits, last year or so, due to the plague, benefits that they had already paid into the system and should be able to draw on.  This goes for the welfare systems as well.  All require insane amounts of proof, verification, photocopies, asking intrusive personal questions, or the wait times on hold on the phone made people give up in frustration because they have lives, have kids or elders to care for, jobs to go to, etc etc etc.

It's all by design, I'm cynically starting to see.  I see the truth in this statement by Leesa Healy, an Australian nurse and educator, "It is not only our habit to avoid pain, but also, the very structure of any capitalist society is allowing us less and less time to be ‘truly human’ .”

[kayc]

You should definitely qualify as a senior,  I'm glad you have someone that will care for Mel, that's a huge weight not to have to worry about.

Don't listen to people's surgery stories, they're all different.  Sending you thoughts of peace and comfort as you go through this.

[Margm]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I don’t expect I’ll get any visitors.  You have to have close friends for that.

Well Gwen, I don't think they will let close friends visit.  This pandemic made it where my friend could not be with her husband and her family can't be with her.  I would love to see my uncle and aunt (in their late 80's) but would not dare go.  You take as good of care of Gwen as you can, and let them do the same.  There are a lot of sweet people who help us seniors when needed.  Sometimes we need them.  Yes, I do believe there are Angels among us.  My friend completed her nursing degree, over hours for a Bachelor degree.  She is alone.  She is probably in her 50's now and she is a nurse for hospice.  We do still have Angels and I hope you  meet only the kindest ones.  A deep south blessing and thoughts are with you from me.  It is true, wish we lived closer, all of us, but with the pandemic, I doubt if we could give you personal help, I doubt they would let us.  My heart is with you.  Words don't count for much comfort when you face the lion alone.  We love you.  

[Gwenivere]

I’m not sure what the visitation thing is anymore.  I know at the nursing home they are allowing it.  But it’s complicated.  I think people can go to the hospital as long as it’s not a covid situation.  Doesn’t matter.  It’s still the thought I have no one.  Some people may call, but I’ll probably doing the reaching out.  Worried that neurotic Mel will not adjust well at my buddys.  
 

I’m still very concerned about my other med issues during this.  Still have heard nothing back from the back doc.  Supposed calling between patients today. Woke up again in despair that I have no choice in this.  Well, I do, but sitting in pain and not being able to do much isn’t appealing as it will end me up in a facility.  I’m just stunned how rapidly this happened.   
 

I really appreciate all the support.  Kieron, I love your post about the university of life.  
 

I’ve been called by my insurance and had verified the amounts I have to pay for 4 hospital nights and no  prior authorization.  I’m so pissed that I keep winding up in the middle and the costs.  I just want to scream.  Like this isn’t hard enough trying to do one thing, get there.  I can hardly move today and have tasks that have to be done.  I’m always sick to my stomach and I hope it’s just stress as I don’t need another 
 

I’m just sitting here shaking.  Overload.  I’m so tired of having to get pets and the house taken care of.  Where the hell is Steve?

[kayc]

They need to do an Emergency prior authorization, they can and should, that angers me.  

[Margm]

My blood pressure was excellent, also heart rate, but he decided he'd put me on Cymbalta and it would help me lose weight and work on the anxiety.  I took antidepressants probably 15-20 years.  I do know you "work through" the side effects and back then, in spite of the cancer, I felt I had time to work through them.  No problem.  I took the one low dose Cymbalta and had to sign something at the bank, could not sign the sheet, should have been an X and someone sign for me.  I don't know how long it takes one pill to get out of your body, but I feel ill today also.  Yesterday was a shaking fog.  Last night was nausea.  Years ago I might not have felt this way, but right now I am interested in quality of life that I have, quantity will take care of itself.

I will take one Xanax at night, even though my  anxiety is at a top level.  I'm not frightened, I am shaky in my whole body and still nauseated.  I've had my share of antidepressants.  No more.  Cannot get them (Xanax) in Louisiana so will go back to my 20 year used medical practice twice a year.  As long as I am able.  

This is my birthday, I am 79 years old on this August, Friday the 13th.

Gwen, my mustard seed prayers  are with you.  May not help, but won't hurt.  We have to be brave when we just want someone that loves us with us.  I'm not sure they would let them in Louisiana.   The family I spoke about, Bob died alone, Baptist missionaries their whole life spent teaching God's word.  Rain falls on the just and unjust.  Daughter with the cancer which she fights constantly has it now and so does mom, at least in her late 80's.  They were grown and married when I met them as a child.  

I know you will feel alone on the 18th, but we are with you mentally and in our hearts.   

[Gwenivere]

Birthday wishes Marg!  I don’t have any fancy images to post, but I have emojis!

🎂⭐️💖💐😃

Doing anything special?