If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

We are human.  Sometimes I have difficulty moving my "feet of clay."  I typed a young man's death summary when I first started work in the early 1970's.  He had leukemia and even back then we did not have the things we have now.  He possibly could have been saved if he had lived in this time zone.  At the end the doctor dictated they came in and the wife had her husband cradled in her arms like a baby and he was gone.  That was the saddest, yet most loving thing I ever typed.  I just knew, if it ever happened to me/or Billy, we would do the same thing.  Billy reached out his hands to me.  I inhumanly slapped his hands down.  I was not going to let him give up.  But he did, and I missed my chance to repeat what that young woman knew to do.  There is no forgiveness from myself for that lack of compassion.  It was an opportunity I would not accept.

My grandmother, in a coma, but mumbling on her deathbed, me sitting by her, this was 25-30 years after my grandfather had passed away.  She mumbled "I couldn't be a wife to him" and I could not understand.  At around 29 she had a stillborn baby and cancer was found.  They did surgery and radiation.  They left an instrument inside her during the operation and she had sepsis, actually recovered and lived until she was 84.  I knew she had had seven children in 10 years, so I did not understand her mumbling.  Within a short while, I understood because I had the same kind of cancer and the radiation, as much as thy could humanly give, I remembered what my grandma said, and I understood.  Yet, all those years she carried that guilt to her grave. 

I know Billy forgave me.  I really cannot forgive myself, but it is my cross to bear.  We all carry guilt and "what if's" and anger at the medical establishment.  My doctors have all retired and I have not found but one young "whippersnapper" to take their place and she is over 150 miles away.  That won't work out.  I have to find another one.  We have to keep shopping.

And Gwen and Kay, all you guys who carry the weight of this loss with you forever, I hope the load gets lighter and I hope you build up a lot of scar tissue to cover this open wound.  My heart is with all of you.

[Eagle-96]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I went away once a year to my sisters' reunion...he suffered a heart attack right after I left (Friday) and DROVE himself to the doctor, who called an ambulance.  He wouldn't let anyone tell me because he "didn't want to ruin my weekend"!   A friend did finally get a hold of me but I couldn't get my sister to drive me back, I was 4 1/2 hours away...she wanted to gamble.    George said not to come Saturday because he'd be in testing all day.  Saturday evening he told me they were going to do a five by-pass Monday morning, I was going to spend the night with him Sunday in the hospital.  When I finally did get to the hospital, Sunday, there were people with him and then they made me leave because they wanted to move him.  I had just gotten back into his room and he was asleep.  He woke up having a heart attack, I alerted them, they threw me out so they could work on him.  I never got to say goodbye.  I never got to tell him it was okay.  I wanted to be there for him.  It was a nightmare from beginning to end.  I worry he felt I deserted him.  I so wanted to be with him!  It breaks my heart even now.  I love him more than life itself.

I still cringe at the reaction of your sister. I can't fathom that someone would rather gamble(or do anything) rather than get you to your husband as soon as they could. I am so sorry for that.

Kay,

You didn't desert him. You were held out of the room by the doctors and nurses. It wasn't your choice. It's strange that they think they are doing us a favor by keeping us out, when in reality we want desperately to be there to see them through their transition.

[kayc]

Over the years I've begun to accept the way it happened...perhaps he needed to focus on his transition rather than worrying about me.  My only thought at the time was being there for him, as we were always there for each other.  I guess I just worry about what his thoughts are, did he realize they threw me out?  He was in so much pain, he might not have been able to focus on anything else.  

Alas, I can't change anything.  I did talk to my sister about this years later, and she denied it.  I told her, "Peggy, I remember every detail of that weekend, vividly, down to my very thoughts."  I asked her to take me and she responded that she only got to go there (the coast) once a year and she wanted to stay and gamble.  It was the most miserable weekend of my life, I just wanted to be with George.  I told her, "If it was you, I wouldn't have even asked, I would have just said, 'Come on, get your bags, we're going!'"  I had a very hard time forgiving her.

[DaveM]

On 8/24/2017 at 11:02 AM, kayc said:

  I never got to say goodbye.  I never got to tell him it was okay.  I wanted to be there for him.  It was a nightmare from beginning to end.  I worry he felt I deserted him.  I so wanted to be with him!  It breaks my heart even now.  I love him more than life itself.

Kay, I did not realize this, and am so sorry you have this to relive, again and again. I have to believe that because they knew our hearts then, they know them now. I had planned to come to Oregon this past week and have a sort of private memorial on the coast as the totality shadow came ashore. But due to sudden and unforeseen financial hits, I had to cancel. I was feeling enormous guilt. Then yesterday, this happened:

Last year I was waited on by a young lady at a Baldino's restaurant who reminded me of Dana. That is what led me to find her. I went back to the restaurant several times to tell the girl but she was never there again.

 

At work they have different restaurants come in and make lunch available every day. And during the summer, they usually have an ice cream place come in at the same time on Fridays. I carry my lunch much of the time, so don't even go down, but yesterday I didn't. Went down to get lunch, and decided to get a scoop, too. Well, who was serving ice cream but the girl from Baldino's!  I was flabbergasted! I was sure it was her, and asked. Said she worked there a only couple of weeks last year in the spring. All I can say is Wow.
 

I didn't give her a long story, but told her that when I saw her last year, it inspired me to reach out to my long ago lost love, and we reconnected. She seemed genuinely pleased. I didn't have the heart to tell her the sad part. If Dana ever had a daughter, she could have looked like this girl. The same smile that lights the eyes. Maybe a sign that I am forgiven for missing the trip I should have taken last week. I can hope.

You loved George and he loved you. He knew it, and he knows you didn't desert him, I'm sure of that.

Dave

 

[Margm]

Friday is the 1st.  I get to buy my August birthday present September 1st.  This is one to myself.  A new PC.  I hated the Dell laptop.  My fingers don't fit the keys. (Gave it to Scott).I actually unscrewed things on my other PC (it was old), and that part of the PC fell down into the computer.  I could not get it back up so I used my big Kindle.  It had a keyboard attached until I sat on it.  Honestly, when these hips sit on something, you have to know some damage is going to be done.  I broke the keyboard.  I had bought a very nice cover for it when I first got it.  Do you know after months time I walked straight to it.  Must have had divine guidance.  I think green was Billy's favorite color.  Now, isn't that pitiful.  I cannot remember for sure.  Now I have put it in the nice cover and it is beautiful and I will use it for reading, only.  My friend gave me her extra PC.  You do not look a gift horse in the mouth, and I am typing on it right now, but last night it would not type.........I....don't.....know.   I am not computer literate.  I am like that chicken that plays the piano.  Put a piece of corn on the keys and I will hit them.  

You all have a good night, I hope, as much as can be had, please.  Do whatever it is that makes you feel good right now cause there is not much.  I had gained four more pounds, so I guess you know what I like.  

I made a trip up to a strange town in Arkansas, had to go for business.  Wrote down directions and went straight to it.  Well, actually that is a lie.  I made two wrong turns but was able to turn around in the middle of the road in that Yaris.  No traffic, flat roads here in Louisiana.   Ditches can be boggy, but that Yaris turns on a dime. All-in-all, pretty good.  Now, I like to get on the road and just head out, but if there is an appointment time, I cannot enjoy the ride at all.  

My word salad offering tonight.  You all, I wish you peace, just a little space in time of peace.  My heart is with you.

[kayc]

On 8/26/2017 at 7:41 AM, DaveM said:

Maybe a sign that I am forgiven for missing the trip I should have taken last week. I can hope.

Oh Dave, you have nothing to be forgiven for, any more than I do, some things happen beyond our ability to control.  Yesterday at my small group (some women that meet on Saturdays)  I told them how this had bothered me all these years.  We were talking about a cat coming near to death and I thought how they like to crawl off to die alone.  I wondered why that is.  I was thinking how maybe it was a blessing for George that I wasn't there, he didn't have to focus on me, worry about me being left alone, he could focus on his transition to the next life...plus he was in so much pain he may not have been greatly aware of anything but that, just trying to get through it.  I have to stop feeling haunted by that last image of him, I have to let it go, it's been years, he's not in pain anymore.  Besides, the same faith that we began on, it has to carry us until we're together again.

[KarenK]

I'm sitting here watching the Weather Channel, hoping and praying that our Maryann(froggie) is safe. Also thinking of Darrel and any other of our friends who are in this terrible storm's path. Hope they will check in, if possible.

[kayc]

I didn't realize until this morning that Maryann was in the storm's path...to all our friends in TX, you're in our thoughts and prayers.  

[MartyT]

See Maryann's post here: 

 

[Gin]

Another long holiday weekend doing nothing.   I did a few errands and then got to come home to an empty house.  No one to talk to or see.  Like so many of you.  How do you EVER get used to it?  Weekends are miserable and holiday weekends are the worst.  

[TomPB]

4 hours ago, Gin said:

Another long holiday weekend doing nothing.   I did a few errands and then got to come home to an empty house.  No one to talk to or see.  Like so many of you.  How do you EVER get used to it?  Weekends are miserable and holiday weekends are the worst.  

Yes the worst esp Sunday when we had the most loving special routines. What was best is now worst. I try to spend as much time with friends as I can, make phone calls, maybe take a swim, do a little work. It's better than nothing but I can't fill all the time & the loneliness & grief attacks keep coming. Best wishes TomPB

[Cookie]

Boy, I can really relate to this.  I can't stand holidays anymore, even Labor Day and Sundays are hard too for the same reason--always having shared them with John.  It is hard to get reoriented.  There are so many things I could be doing but still at 2 years and 3 months out I'm having trouble (have to kick myself in the backside) doing things.  Partly I think it is because it doesn't take the grief and loneliness away; it's just a distraction, so it's not a fix.  Anyway, can relate to you guys...hugs to all, Cookie

[Gwenivere]

I have to create things to do.  There are always the household chores, but they bring no accomplishment anymore.  In fact, they are harder doing just for myself.  I'm totally alone and wonder each day why I bother going on.  Have had no visitors of any consequence or gone out with anyone like I did for almost 3 years.  People I did socialize with have all gone, either moved or died.  I vonlunteer, but most of those people aren't really here mentally anymore.   When Steve was here there was so much to do.  Now it is endless hours.  We had no kids so there is no connection to that.  The remainder of his side of the family never call.  I'm tired of reaching out to them.  If I dared say I was bored, Steve would have things he was doing and pull me in.  I loved shopping for us, but now I read the ads about all the stuff I don't need to get anymore.  He and I filled this house with life.  I haven't been successful doing that alone.

i don't even feel I exist anymore.   I don't 'belong' anywhere anymore.  I met with a doctor who has a plan to control this out of control depression and anxiety and then I wonder....what will I do?  I have other medical problems so is the next step just going thru more plans?  This is not living.  This is the stuff for people that have some reason to want to be here.  Granted depression robs my rational thinking.  But it's hard to be rational when you are isolated.  Truly truly totally alone.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Just wanted to tell you that as long as you visit here you are not completely alone.  This is a cyber family that cares very much for each other.  

I do understand your feelings.  I wish I could help you.  💔

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Marita.  I know I have this family and a safe place with the most compassionate of people.   But sometimes you really need a warm body sitting with you.   Someone you can call late at night.  Someone you can share meals or a TV show with.  I'm pretty sure all of us know how that feels.  I'm happy for all those that have family, friends, Steve and Cathy finding each other.  I'm just a lone duck paddling around an empty lake.  My feet get tired a lot.  🦋

[Margm]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My feet get tired a lot.

Gwen, I have written and I have deleted over and over.  I am a chronic depressive.  I do have family anchoring me.  You see, I understand not having rational thinking.  I also understand I am not smart enough to really help someone when they are so down.  I fight to help myself.  If I did not have this anchor holding my  balloon life down, my kids would have me put in a nursing home, if they could catch me.  My reasoning would be gone without the anchor.  If I wanted someone to hold me, my irrational thinking would have me at bars looking for danger.  As old as I am, I know if I needed someone to comfort and hold me, my helium balloon would be at church doors when they open.  I have enough rational thinking to know I cannot drink and I cannot fight or run fast, so I need to stay out of dangerous places.  I do have my mustard seed faith though, and I do know that churches would be a place where I would be welcome, and I know the Escapee's RV Club dish out hugs constantly.  I cannot make suggestions because it would be the blind leading the blind.  

I sincerely hope that the plan you mention that the doc has, I so do hope it works for you.  We all need a reason to live..........just plainly, to live.  I miss my Billy, but I do not need a warm body to hold me.  All of our needs are so different, and what works for one would be a terrible failure for the next person.  Myself, I cannot think of having someone else in my  life, for one thing, they could not live up to the best.  That would be so unfair to that person.  And another, I honestly am ...............hard to say this, but I honestly am too old.  But, I am not missing anything (except Billy).  I know you want and need a reason to just take the  next day on.  I can hear that.  I know that no one is going to come knock on my door (I would not let them in.)  But, I also know if I crawl out of my igloo I have friends waiting for me.  We all need the impetus to open the door.  I hope your new doc has a plan you will/can accept.  Your on my mind and in my heart.  I know that does not substitute for the warm body, but if you compare the new warm body to the old warm body, it will never work.  I would compare, it would not work, I am okay with this.  

I think everyone on the forum wants to help other people, we see they need help, damn, it is so helpless to just be human.

[Gwenivere]

Marg, the only warm body I want is Steve's.  💔

[Margm]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

But sometimes you really need a warm body sitting with you.

I'm sorry Gwen.  I understand.  Billy's would be the only warm body I wanted also.  I wish we could have kept them longer.  No, 54 years was not long enough.  I just read about  Neal Patterson passing away I think July 9th, 2017. He was in his 60's.  He and his wife were CEO's of, I think Cerner.  His wife just passed away I think September 1st, she was in her 50's.  Death is no respecter of people.  But, I was thinking, oh if only she could have been kept doped up so she was unaware.  Cancer is no respecter of person's either.  It is terrible to look at her following him so soon and thinking "they are  together" rather than worrying about their family's suffering.  

Again, I hope new doc has workable plan that you can find peace of mind.  My heart is with you.  I know that does not help.

[TomPB]

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I just read about  Neal Patterson passing away I think July 9th, 2017. He was in his 60's.  He and his wife were CEO's of, I think Cerner.  His wife just passed away I think September 1st

OMG I envy people who go that close. Just in 2017 husband of a good friend went 2 weeks after her, and my cousin Kate about 6 ms after her husband. Meanwhile I continue in apparent good health despite broken heart. 

In every loving couple one has to go first and the other stay behind. I always tried to protect Susan. In grief meditation I told her that by staying behind and living this nightmare of grief I was sparing her from having to do it. I guess that's some small comfort, to think I'm still protecting her. 

Gwen, I can relate. I don't think I have depression like you do, but I share evey thought and feeling you have expressed. Best wishes Tom🐼

[Margm]

Tom, when my Billy told me "the one left must stay" it hurt my feelings.  I did not want to stay.  I think I still hold some slight resentment for him saying that.  Again, I am a strange animal.  

[kevin]

Anyone here from Florida??, This Irma looks like Hell Unleashed......biggest winds since Andrew....bigger than Katrina......Evacuations already.....Talk about scar tissue, imagine going through this every few years.......Appears Death and Disaster picks on everyone, in Random Glee......

[Gwenivere]

Brat2 is.  Just heard her brother is flying her to Chicago for a week just in case.  I know three are a couple of others in Florida, hope they check in.

[TomPB]

Our winter vacation "special place" was the British Virgin islands. They got/are getting a direct hit.

[MartyT]

19 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I know three are a couple of others in Florida, hope they check in.

I am in Sarasota, Gwen ~ far enough inland to be out of a flood zone, and on the Gulf /western side of the state ~ waiting and watching, just like everyone else. I will keep you all posted as things develop, but so far all is well . . .

[Eagle-96]

22 hours ago, TomPB said:

OMG I envy people who go that close. Just in 2017 husband of a good friend went 2 weeks after her, and my cousin Kate about 6 ms after her husband. Meanwhile I continue in apparent good health despite broken heart. 

In every loving couple one has to go first and the other stay behind. I always tried to protect Susan. In grief meditation I told her that by staying behind and living this nightmare of grief I was sparing her from having to do it. I guess that's some small comfort, to think I'm still protecting her. 

I envy them as well. To know that there grief, while intense, only lasted a few weeks makes me both jealous and happy for them. I am so glad that Lori isn't here. That she doesn't have to experience the despair that I do. I prayed many times during our marriage that If someone had to go first then I wanted God to take Lori so that I could take the pain instead of her. And now that I know the intensity, I am glad she doesn't grieve for me.