Important dates

[Margm]

I know we all have to go through this rite of passage, and some days I can just talk to Billy, and he can, as usual not talk  back, but I could not go without buying him a Father's Day card.  Okay, we have passed the 8th month on the 17th, day I have to remember.  We have gone past Easter, Christmas, Valentine's Day.  Today I rode around by myself.  I sat a minute in front of our first apartment.  It was a two bedroom, upstairs garage apartment.  I remember him yelling down from the bedroom window that first month to his ride that he could not come in to work today,, his sister had fell and broke her leg.  I was so shocked at his lie.  But we stayed in bed all day.  They just kidded him at work.  They knew his sister had not broke her leg.  Just part of the honeymoon. 

Really, this day hurts the worse so far.  I did not want it to.  I don't want to make a big thing of his birthday, of our July 3rd, would have been 55 years.  We never celebrated much.  We were not partiers, not even making a big thing of the 50th.  I even forgot to get him a card.  He thought it was funny. 

I'm sorry, 2015 did not happen.  October will forever be off my calendar.  I can do that you know.  I can tell my mind anything I want to tell it because it does not matter anymore.  If he is not here to share it, it will not happen. 

Kay, Mitch, all the rest of you that have these days you have to remember, all of you, all of us, what can I say?  I am sorry.  What are the best words to use?  Is this one of those times that we don't know what to say? 

Well, I do know what to say.  I feel your pain, and it is hell. 

And, I hope sometimes soon to find some humor in something, but losing them, having days you cannot celebrate, but you have to remember, I am just gonna go to bed early.

I will always sign his name on any card I buy for anyone, any occasion, any time. 

[kayc]

Oh Marg, thank you for sharing that story with us, that was precious!  And I bet he DID get razzed at work!   Those are the memories that make us smile.

[Gwenivere]

Yes, Marg.  What a great post.  I remember those days of the honeymoon phase clearly and how we would look back it with more than fond memories.  So young, nothing but the future ahead, everything an adventure.  We never had kids, but I know tomorrow will be hard because Steve was 'dad' in our family of furry kids and they always got him a card.  It was signed with paw prints.  

It is hard nit being able to do something with them like the rest of the world is with thier 'dads'.

[Polly]

I've been sitting here crying. My daughter is over at her friends house for the night. I had to work tonight and came home to an empty house. This is also the 1st Father's day without Rich being here. I also don't have my dad as he has been gone for 2 years. Not sure what is going on with my step-son, he hasn't cut the grass in 2weeks. it's a jungle out there. I think it's just so hard for him to come over here. If he doesn't cut the grass tomorrow I might have to try to figure out how to do it myself.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I will be thinking of you tomorrow Marg.  I will try to send some sparks of hope your way.

You deserve to be hopeful and to have some comfort and joy and happiness.  If only we could take your sorrows away.

Marita

[Margm]

I know I should be giving tributes to my dad, and don't get me wrong, he did the best he knew how with what he had to work with.  But I cannot imagine him going to my junior high school and taking on the principal.  In this case, the principal was in the wrong and had made our daughter stand with her nose in a circle on the blackboard as punishment for something some boys had done.  All it was, was the turning off of a light in the cloak room.  She denied it, the boys had done it, but she was punished.  Billy went up and took on the principal.  The principal said he would call the police.  Billy told him to do what he had to do, but until the police arrived, he would mop up the floor with him.  In this case, the principal was wrong. The boys admitted to doing this and the principal apologized. We never took up for our kids over the teachers, we were still the generation that the teacher was right and the kid was punished again when he came home..  Billy was Kelli's hero, Scott's best friend and the best father anyone ever had, including me.

The picture is him clowning with his girls while actually shopping with us. 

Happy Father's day to all.

[kayc]

Marg, how goofy, I love that!   

Polly, I hope you get your grass mowed.  Both of my mowers broke and I let the scrap guy have them, so I'm w/o one right now, my neighbor has taken pity on me but now his mower is broken...a couple of years to go before I can afford another one unless I see a good deal at a garage sale.  At least my front lawn doesn't need mowed, it's all natural, ferns, wildflowers, etc., I love it. Very green and shady.  

[Margm]

Refuge in Grief/Megan Devine

I get this in my email, but when I went looking for the title of her blog I entered "Refuge in Guilt."  Do you think maybe my Jewish ancestry that I know nothing about, but would be happy having, maybe it is coming to the forefront. 

"Calendar dates like this are weird. When you're carrying loss, it can seem like people only notice your pain when big, sweeping outer markers bring it to their attention. And these big cultural celebrations can indeed make loss feel more sharp. 

Dates are such arbitrary markers. They come loaded with so much energy, attention, focus - so much cultural focus on the trappings of the day. The Hallmark, pseudo-perfection of things."

[mittam99]

You know, all our days are hard... some just seem harder than others. Everyday we're alive is another day of not living the life that made us happy. It's another 24 hours tacked on to the other thousands of hours since our lives were changed forever. Holidays and the "milestone" days just reinforce how much we've lost and how little our new lives resemble the one we had with our soul mate by our side.

One of the hardest times for me without Tammy is Christmas. She loved the whole holiday season and as you may know we were married on Christmas eve. Such a wonderful time of year has been turned into a much more solemn event in my world. In the last month my birthday, Mother's Day, and Tammy's birthday had me in a deep "funk".  Today is Father's Day, but in my world it's now just another day to go to work and come home to loneliness.

But, this is my life and life does go on. It's certainly not the life I wanted. It's not a life of happiness. This life is downright painful. And the only way I can function and even have a modicum of hope is knowing that Tammy's love is a part of me for as long as I can take a breath.

 

[kayc]

It's interesting you're talking about this today, Marg.  I felt very alone today as not one member of my family remembered.  But I have this family, and you guys all did, and that means so much to me.  I guess it's true, if you don't experience it yourself, you don't get it.  I'm sure everyone thinks I should be good and over it by now, but the truth is, you never are.  More used to it, but not over it, and even being used to it doesn't mean there's one day that goes by that he isn't on my mind constantly and I miss him more than there are words to say.  He just is and was one of a kind.

[KATPILOT]

Eleven years means absolutely nothing. I know you have an easier time with your days than you did ten years ago Kay but there will always be times when it gets ya.  Days like this for example and even days with no particular meaning at all will bring a trigger moment. We live on, we adapt, and oh yeah we still cry. We have times when we smile at a memory and times when we feel warm still in their love. We even have times when we actually feel lucky to have had them in our lives yet we are still and always without them and that for as long as we live, shall never change. When you love someone deeply enough, you get to live like this. I'm but half as long on this journey as you yet I am very aware of this truth and the sorrow has been with me so long now that it has become a way of life. However I live and whatever I do will be as I am now, happy, sad, in love, and occasionally, inspired.

Have you ever noticed as the years have gone by that you tend to be outwardly happy to those in contact with you? Does it seem that only you know how affected you are?  I feel almost as if I had a debilitating disease that no one can see. When I get home and I'm alone, I can take off my outer skin and just  be me, scarred by a loss so great yet only others of my "kind" can see.

[kayc]

Yes, you describe it so well, as someone having lived it.  I don't talk about it to those around me much, so I suppose they don't think about it, but it's ever present.

[Patty65]

People just don't get the Father's Day or Mother's Day hardship.  "He's not your father!" I was told yesterday.  But he was father to the child we miscarried, he was step-dad to my daughter, who called him dad.  I had such a hard time with it, that I knew I would cry if I called my 84 year old dad, and I put it off so long that the time difference was too great.  When I called him today, fighting unsuccessfully to hold back the tears, he was more than forgiving, I had done nothing wrong to him.  People just don't understand.

[kevin]

KayC, I gave up last year on Gas powered mowers.....I went Electric and don't regret it for a moment...My trimmers are the same. Starts every time and you only have to mow about 30-40 minutes max then time to recharge(takes 8 hours)....My gas mower,Briggs/Stratton to many parts and this Gas these days congeals and plugs carb.....Fathers Day a bit different alone but all the kids called....Facebook bunch chimed in and two pretty good cards......Any body here if Brad was released?

[Guest]

Hi Kevin-

Yes I was released today. Will be posting more as I can process the myriad emotions created by an amazingly wonderful group of caregivers who were also extremely powerful triggers. Back on the low residue diet (low fiber) again. Will miss my fresh fruits and raw veggies. 

[Cookie]

What happened Brad.  Have been off for a while.  Hope you are okay.....sending positive thoughts, Cookie

[Cookie]

Katpilot:  Thought you expressed things so well about your inner self and what you show the world; the thought about having a long-term disease.  That is exactly how I feel.  I keep waiting to just feel okay again and despair that it will be possible.  The anxiety that I keep carrying around is really awful.  Started about 6 months after John died, so I've had it constantly for about 6 months.  Woke up today thinking, another day passed that I don't have to live anymore.  So want to embrace life again and want to live it.  I do find comfort here when I read things people like you write that are exactly how I'm feeling; then I don't feel so alone....bless you.  Cookie

[Cookie]

Kayc:  Understand that feeling.  I felt that about John, irreplaceable, one of a kind.  Hard to imagine life without him, even though I get up each day and live.  I feel for you.  You have been so supportive here; thanks, Cookie

[Cookie]

I tried really hard this year to pretend like Father's Day wasn't happening, turned down the volume when the ads would come on, etc.  But, the truth is, you are trapped and cannot escape the absence of that person.  It is really hellish.  I always made a big deal out of Father's Day for him, and you do feel so excluded from something it seems like everyone else is getting to experience.  Love to you all, Cookie

[kayc]

Kevin, I have a huge area to mow, most people here have tractors.  I had one too but without any one to work on it, I got rid of it, I have no way to take it to a repair shop anyway.  Do you mean yours is electric START and gas powered?  Because I have an electric weed eater but the cord is limiting, so I'm assuming it's not like that.

I, for one, am glad to have Father's Day behind me for another year, it's way too tough.  Patty, of course it was hard for you, people amaze me with their shortsightedness!  George was also a stepdad to my kids, and the dad they always wanted...their dad was good at teaching them stuff but not very sensitive or kind or understanding.  George they could enjoy.  Totally different men!

[scba]

14 hours ago, Patty65 said:

People just don't get the Father's Day or Mother's Day hardship.  "He's not your father!" I was told yesterday.  But he was father to the child we miscarried, he was step-dad to my daughter, who called him dad.  I had such a hard time with it, that I knew I would cry if I called my 84 year old dad, and I put it off so long that the time difference was too great.  When I called him today, fighting unsuccessfully to hold back the tears, he was more than forgiving, I had done nothing wrong to him.  People just don't understand.

Hello Patty,

Yes, people don't get the harships of these dates and I found they don't get the different meanings a date can have. My love and I didn't have children, but we were looking forward to become parents one day. He would have been an extraordinary father, I imagined him so many times playing with our kids. It will never happen, and so I cried of father's day for this image that won't ever be real. I was sad on that day.

[Margm]

Sometimes people are just ignorant. Billy was not my father, but he was the most fantabulous father I will ever have the privilege of ever knowing, and it was the most important part of his life.

[kevin]

My lot is about 120 feet by 120 feet with about 200feet of tall hedges......Anything over quarter acre you need a ride em unit. But my unit is Lithium battery about 20 inch width. I'm taking my Gas Mower(back up) ,  to the repair guy for the "last" time , so I say ....I really like the electrics......

[kayc]

I have 1.29 acres but some of it is forested.

[kevin]

That is a lot of lawn, definitely need Ride em mower or a Cow.......When I was a kid we had a 2 acre alfalfa field as a front "lawn"....Used that as a baseball diamond in the spring......One year we cut it by hand, Syths and Pitch Forks...(10 cents an hour we got paid)....Whenever my grandkids try to hit me up for cash I tell them that story......Again, 1.29 acres keeps you busy....