I hate the weekends

[mittam99]

I'm still just in the mode of trying to function in this new world without my beloved Tammy by my side. That means going to work and eating and doing the basics. For now, that's all I'm ready for and I look at that as an accomplishment. I have gone to a few family events but beyond that, my social life doesn't exist. I never really was one to go out and eat by myself or watch a movie alone in a theater.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

though we may never fly so high again, at least we got off the ground.

That's a good way to put it!

[kayc]

Mitch,

Once in a while we find we must get something to eat when we're out, and we, being alone, must eat alone.  It's good to know we can do it, even if it's not the experience it was with our loved one.  There was a time I couldn't have done it.

As I've been on my own for so many years now, one of the things I've had to learn to do was attend something alone.  It started out with church...that was harder than I can tell you, to go without George.  It progressed on to getting groceries alone, eating alone, walking alone (well, with my dog), eventually attending a concert alone.  Valentine banquets at the church were really tough, I've skipped a couple.

[brat#2]

Stephen and Kay, thank you for your words of encouragement.  I hoping to be able someday to be ok with doing things alone and hopefully trying new things.

Joyce

 

[Patty65]

On 6/30/2016 at 11:17 AM, Gwenivere said:

 

Sometimes trying to do new things is even harder than the voids we find ourselves in.

 

Ohhh totally... Every once in a while I have this bizarre concept that I'll have to find some friends, since I had little to none because it was just us two musketeers and the shop. And I'm so alone with every aspect of life. Then I think, how could I possibly ever do that in the state I'm in?  "New" almost seems like a dirty word.  I just want the old, and knowing I can't have that, it makes "new" my enemy.

[Patty65]

On 6/29/2016 at 4:14 PM, KATPILOT said:

If you can rest before you break, you will achieve more in the long run

I hear you Stephen... I really do.  I think there's a lot to that, that maybe down deep I don't care if I "break".... or maybe I wish for it even.  but my neurotically efficient self knows that it is not necessarily for the benefit of the business, I could get more done if I wasn't so worn down.  But mainly, it's my escape from home-hell. I do think there is part of me that wants to figure a solution out before I do break though.

I feel the urge to play the piano (continue with the lessons I started with the digital piano I got with the condolence money) and I feel the urge to paint again. As an expression of this pain.  I just don't though, because when I walk in the house, I enter home-hell, and it precludes me getting to any of those things, no matter how much I am determined to as I am driving there.  I'm told that will change.  It feels like it's been like this forever... and since only yesterday... all at the same time.

[scba]

12 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I'm still just in the mode of trying to function in this new world without my beloved Tammy by my side. That means going to work and eating and doing the basics. For now, that's all I'm ready for and I look at that as an accomplishment. I have gone to a few family events but beyond that, my social life doesn't exist. I never really was one to go out and eat by myself or watch a movie alone in a theater.

I can function alone. I can make things on my own, I go to places alone. It is not a strange territory. I was single 6 years ago. The difference is that I feel nothing at all, I just continue with it. I am desentized to everyday life and chores. I guess it is not bad, give the fact that I felt horrible for 2 years. I should be glad to be numb. I should welcome it. I started a new job but when people called me to hear the good news, I replied "it was another day in my life, not an exciting one" I was polite, paid attention, showed interst. But I felt nothing more. Nor thrill nor relief.  

 

. 

[mittam99]

Ana, I hear you. Nothing brings me any real pleasure and even when I feel a tiny sense of accomplishment, the moment is fleeting. It's as if something in our brain changed when our soul mate died. I don't just mean the sadness and anguish of grief. It's as if our "pleasure switch" has been permanently turned off. Maybe in time, it gets turned back on or maybe it never will. I guess time will tell.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Patty65 said:

when I walk in the house, I enter home-hell, and it precludes me getting to any of those things, no matter how much I am determined to as I am driving there.  I'm told that will change.  It feels like it's been like this forever... and since only yesterday... all at the same time.

You described this so perfectly, Patty.  Home Hell.  I think the name should be patented for some of us.  I used to love coming home.  That residual memory is still in my head, but I feel the emptiness start to build as I drive home and by the time I actually get here, I know when I walk in the door that whatever I may have planned beyond a chord that needs doing will vanish.  Seeing our life in this now 'me' life just sucks motivation right out of me.  Everywhere I turn, there he us, be it a thing or a memory.  Yet, I still love our home.  I don't love his energy being gone so that things look in place, yet out of it too.  They (whoever they are) say this will change and we are stuck in a place of waiting.  Time.  I am so aware of it now when it used to flow by naturally.  We have a couple of ticking clocks I went deaf to when we were together.  Now I hear ticking constantly.  Hell is cruel.

[Polly]

oh yes, home-hell. I hate it. I also used to hurry home from where ever I was because I loved spending time with Rich. Now I pull into the garage and sadness just takes over. Tonight is really bad because my daughter went to a friends house for the night. I also have lost all motivation. My daughter actually yelled at me the other day because she wants to get the basement cleaned up and I just sit here and can't move. She has been pushing me to get this done. The basement was Rich's man cave and also storage. So for the past few days we have been trying to go through things and also clean as we go. There are some things that I'm keeping only because I just can't part with them. Also Rich loved trains and has a platform set up that he was working on. My daughter told me that it has to stay.

[Patty65]

Sooo with you Gwen.  Soo tired of hearing "only time will help".  Put me in prison, why don't you. I'm waiting out the grief sentence, and nobody can tell me when I get released.  Or even furloughed.  I get afraid of telling people "home hell" because they then suggest me moving.  Maybe I will have to, but that is just not it.  At least I can be in a familiar environment while I'm going through the home hell.  I'm done with my work day now, but I'm sitting at work reading because I just can't get the courage to face another night alone yet.  Now sleep is elusive too.  Three nights, hardly any, no apparent reason.  It adds about 6 hours to my sentence each day.

Is it always the anniversary of death... or is it other days too?  I swear it seems like on the 29th dates each month, I've just started picking up the pieces from the "23rd" anniversary each month, and the 29th hits even harder, which is the date we found out everything, the 911 date.

The 23rd was 4 months gone.  The 29th was 5 months since I found out he was going to be.

I have this picture of him on my phone when I click it on. And all of a sudden, over the last few days, same period of no sleep etc., I can't STAND it.  I have to find a replacement.  I can't stand it because I now see SO clearly that he was sick back then (one year ago), we just didn't know it.  WHY didn't I see??  I look at it, and all I see is cancer growing inside him now.  All of a sudden.

Thanks for the place to ramble...

Patty

[Gwenivere]

Patty, I went blind to all the pictures of Steve in the house for the first year almost.  I could look at them, but I didn't see.  These are pictures when he was healthy.  Now I see him in all of them. I destroyed every picture of him when he was sick.  I slept normally for a long time, but now I barely get 4/5 hours before my mind snaps awake and it is just futile restlessness.  I would get up, but I know I'd just sit and stare like a zombie.  I understand about the pic on you or phone.  I have Steves voice in our answering machine and the few times it has beat me to a call it tears my heart out.  But I will not change it.  So much of him is gone, I can't lose his voice.  I hadn't thought about it but everyday is n anniversary.  Another day to add to the count of how long he has been gone.  I'm at 20 months and still carving notches in the wall.  

[Gwenivere]

I wanted to say I don't mean to add any more depression thoughts for anyone.  This is my hell journey.  I think about how discouraging 20 months  sound.  Each journey is different and some will feel relief sooner.  As the old adage goes....your mileage may vary.  

[KATPILOT]

Gwen for what it's worth, sharing what hurts doesn't add to depression as much as it comforts others. We don't feel so much alone when we hear each others pain. Many members joined after reading as guests because they saw this as a  place where they could share their pain.

For what it's worth my wife continues to answer my phone at home. I even call my house every so often just to here her voice. It's not much different than looking at her picture.  Audio, visual. they are both reminders of something that was pretty.

9 hours ago, Patty65 said:

 But mainly, it's my escape from home-hell. I do think there is part of me that wants to figure a solution out before I do break though.

I get that Patty. I suppose I did that too. I think it was all just a distraction though as if I was running from the truth.  And it's easy to go back and kick ourselves for not seeing they were sick. Hindsight hurts more than we think. I didn't see it either. When Kathy first felt the lump in her leg and decided to the doctor, I joked saying don't worry, the worst thing that can happen is they cut off your leg. You think that doesn't come back and haunt me still?  Even though we both thought it was nothing serious, why didn't I suspect?  Reading about adult soft tissue sarcoma I learned a lot more about signs like that. By the time she saw the doctor, she was dead already. I sure don't like looking at pictures that remind me of when she was sick. 

Your profile picture is a sweet one.

[Clematis]

It is hard to believe that I will ever feel really happy again, and that I will feel like I have love and comfort in my life again. Last night, I played a three-hour gig with my band-the Jerome Ukulele Orchestra, and felt normal. I had a really good time. Until it was over. When I went out into the dark, alone with my cello, the gloom settled back around me again, and I was crying as I drove down the mountain. Kind of like a sparkling crystal that fell onto the mud...

On June 30, 2016 at 7:09 PM, kayc said:

It took me a long while too but I eventually pushed myself and now I don't mind doing things alone.  It's not the same, of course, but at least I can do them without it ruining my day.

I've always done a lot of things alone, especially before my dad moved to AZ to be with me. Then he was here and we were together all the time. Then he declined and he couldn't always go, but he wanted to hear all about it afterwards. Now he is gone and no one really cares what I did last night or any other night...if I went out and sang and played the cello or I stayed home and sat at home in my dad's chair crying. Well, my bandmates were happy that I was there because the cello adds a lot to a bunch of ukuleles, but it's different than having someone at home who cares. Well, Lena was happy to see me-she was hungry and there was a lot of meowing going on...

[Clematis]

Back to...I Hate The Weekends...Holiday weekends are the worst! Being alone while it seems like everyone in the world is having a BBQ with their friends and family and/or whoever else they've got! It isn't that I don't have friends-I do, but I'm not on the list of the people they think of right off for a holiday get-together. Holidays are for the people they are closest to, and that is not me. I was in a relationship before my dad was here and so most of the time I was included in holiday celebrations or family fights or whatever they were doing. Then my dad was here, and I had him to spend those times with; even if we didn't do anything special it was nice to not be totally alone on a holiday.

Even here there is not much activity, because most people have some kind of peeps-children, grandchildren, parents, siblings, spouses, cousins, somebody...even though they have lost someone who is critically important.

Maybe I should go get a BBQ-d chicken and share it with the cat...I am not totally alone. I have Lena and she would like that!

 

[kayc]

I went to the church at 7:30 am and downloaded 8 bank statements and reconciled them, then went to praise team practice, then sunday school and church, then did 14 June reports and 3 quarterly reports, came home and walked Arlie.  Do I know how to have fun, or what!

[enna]

And what's on your plate for tomorrow, Kay?   

[kayc]

Nothing.  Cooking, spending time with Arlie, that's about it.  And you?

[Widowedbysuicide]

On July 1, 2016 at 7:01 PM, Patty65 said:

Ohhh totally... Every once in a while I have this bizarre concept that I'll have to find some friends, since I had little to none because it was just us two musketeers and the shop. And I'm so alone with every aspect of life. Then I think, how could I possibly ever do that in the state I'm in?  "New" almost seems like a dirty word.  I just want the old, and knowing I can't have that, it makes "new" my enemy.

I'm not very good at the quotes thing but I just want to say, I really get this!).

[kevin]

Kay, you had lots of fun.......Our long week end started Friday and caught up on all my gardening    for a week and have pains everywhere. July 1st used to be BBQ, celebrations, and family get together.....It is different but I do accept it and vow to do something more Festive next year...Best of health to all

[Polly]

2 hours ago, kevin said:

Kay, you had lots of fun.......Our long week end started Friday and caught up on all my gardening    for a week and have pains everywhere. July 1st used to be BBQ, celebrations, and family get together.....It is different but I do accept it and vow to do something more Festive next year...Best of health to all

Yes, I'll have to try better next year. I worked today. Came home and worked on cleaning up the basement. Trash man is going to love me this week. making progress with the clean up. Although I still have a lot more to do.