Beginning of the end

[CharKath]

I've been thinking about Charley ALOT this last week. Today was the beginning of our last week together, but we didn't know. Charley and me were a May/ December couple. I'd known him all my life really. I was 4 when my family moved to the country. Charley had the farm behind us. We were always waving at the farmer in the white t shirt and red seed hat that drove the red dodge truck. When I was 13 and my brother was12, he began hiring us to help bale hay and straw. When I graduated high school he hired me as a full time hired man, so to speak. I could work cattle, drive equipment, shovel grain and manure, bale, you name it i did it. I was one heck of a tomboy and we soon had a joke, I could do anything a guy could do but write my name in the snow! We were inseparable. We could finish each other sentences, didn't mind all the work, and loved each other dearly. Our favorite thing to do together, if the farming allowed it, was to drive back to the little woods in the pasture on a Sunday morning with the Sunday paper and enjoy the morning with the wildlife, the cattle, and the singing birds. It was there I saw a duck land in a tree and I couldn't believe a duck in a tree, it was a wood duck! Charley got the biggest kick out of that. He was built for farming. 6 foot tall, 220 lbs. he had a suntan year round. His hands were huge. Bread hooks he called them. His wedding ring was a size 18. He had gorgeous brown eyes and dimples too. He never looked his age and certainly didn't act it either. He farmed until 95. His running gears (legs) were bad he said. He did everything from planting, driving the baler and running the combine right up to 95. He loved saying 95 and still alive. He was looking forward to 98 and feeling great, but he would fall 4 1/2 months short. Charley was certain he'd make 100. I was too. He was healthy as a horse and only took high bp medicine and a thyroid pill. I didn't know there was a anticipatory grief. I think I may of had that the year before. He began loosing weight, his appetite was up and down and he began sleeping a lot. I began worrying. My best friends sister in law was a end of life nurse and she said he had the dwindles. I worried more. Charley got more clinging. He worried about me more. I couldn't go anywhere without him wondering where I was and what I was doing. He followed me all over the farm even though he really couldn't do much. We had always talked about what he wanted. He wanted to die at home. No tubes or machines. I understood that. But I still thought I had till 100 to really worry. Then a year ago tonight, he began passing out. He refused to go to the doctor or the er. I got scared. For fear of him falling, I borrowed a wheel chair to wheel him about the house. He'd pass out anywhere. He was afraid to go to the er for fear he couldn't come home. I promised it was just to get a couple tests, he wouldnt be admitted. The doctor thought maybe his electrolytes were off of maybe a uti infection. He finally agreed and it was just a kidney infection. But the er doctor wanted to know if he wanted to talk about a pacemaker. Charley said a fast hell no. So we went home. The antibiotics kept him up. I had to watch Charley. I slept at the kitchen table or on the loveseat next to him. I got 20 hours of sleep that week keeping an eye on him. I was so afraid he'd passout and fall again. I had one of my friends stay with him while I did chores. I had 15 milk goats I milk by hand plus kids, bucks and yearlings and no matter how I hurried it killed 1 1/2 hours to take care of them. By the time I got back Charley was worried I had trouble was wasn't coming back. He always worried about me bless him. It was him I was worried about. On that Saturday he finally acted like his old self. I thought the worst was over. We watched a thunderstorm and downpour from the front porch. There was a beautiful rainbow in the east sky. He ate a good supper. We still slept on our reclining loveseat. His head was in my lap and my arm was around his shoulders. He slept really good. The next morning he ate a good breakfast, but said he had a headache. I said I had to do chores and headed for the barn. I didn't think anything of it. When I came back he was sleeping, only I couldn't wake him up. And he never would. The hospice nurse said he'd had a stroke or anyurisum. His pupils were unresponsive. He wanted to die at home, so we got a hospital bed. And Charley was just ten feet from the kitchen table. I could watch him closely. He never moved his hands or right leg, but his left leg he pulled up and started rocking it. I'd go to him and wrapped my arm around the top of his head and I'd talk to him and kiss him and tell him I loved him and it was alright. Try to get some sleep. He would stop rocking his leg and be quiet and I'd go sit down. In fifteen or twenty minutes he'd probably start to worry and he'd rock his leg again to get my attention. We did this all night until those dam chores in the morning and I had to leave him. A friend stayed with him and I told Charley I had to do chores and I'd hurry, but when I got back he no longer rocked his leg. He didn't respond to me anymore. At 2:00 I was standing next to him with my hand over his and the other on his shoulder when he took his last breath. I waited and waited, but he slipped away from me. I would never see those beautiful brown eyes again or hear him call me Kathie dear. My heart broke in two that day and it isn't really any better. I lost my sweetie, my life, my world, my reason for living. My life will never be the same.

[KATPILOT]

Oh Kathie what you have gone through is so hard and yes your life will never be the same. You will never be the same. Your love however goes on and that will always remain helping you and guiding you through the darkest of your days. I know what I say can't help much right now but you have a lot of friends here who know just a little of what you are feeling . You are never without friends. Always because we love so deeply do we feel so devastated.  Thank you for sharing a bit of who Charley is. It's nice to know why you love him so much. You will get through this anniversary week. Hard as it is, you're not alone.

[MartyT]

Such a beautiful love story, dear Kathie ~ and beautifully told.  ♥

[kayc]

Kathy,

I feel your love for each other as you tell your story...that is how it was with us too.  No, it'll never be the same.  I agree with everything Steve wrote.  I hope it helps some knowing you have people here that understand.  (((hugs)))

[KarenK]

Kathy,

What you and Charley had was so very special. I feel the love and respect in every word. May those memories comfort you.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I loved reading about your love story.  Your life and love are the perfect love story that I admire.  If you were to write more of your life and love with Charlie I would love to read it.

I wish that the story didn't have an end.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  

Marita

[Margm]

22 hours ago, CharKath said:

My life will never be the same

You are such a hard worker.  I loved your love story.  My son is 54 and his girlfriend of 10 years is 30 or 31.  Charlie sounds like quite a wonderful man.  You seem very well suited for each other.  We will miss them forever. 

[CharKath]

This week is sure messing with my sleep. Only averaging three hours a night the last five nights. I've seen five sunrises in a row before I finally fall asleep. I'm running wheat now and its gonna be the best we ever had. Charley would of been thrilled. It was always a good feeling when that happened. I was giving Charley his last haircut this time last year. He really needed one and as I'm cutting his hair I remember thinking, "I hope this isn't the last time". I don't know why that went through my mind, my subconscious might have known though. And afterward Charley jokingly said, "do I look good enough for the box?" Did he know on some level? So many questions that have no answers. I did do one positive thing yesterday. My friends got me a magnolia tree for Charley this spring and I got it planted yesterday. Going to plant flowers around it and later daffodils, hyacinths and crocus for spring. Outside memorial I guess. Its gonna look nice, I think Charley would like it.

[Widowedbysuicide]

You are so busy!  Please don't overwork yourself.

It sounds like the tree planted is beautiful now.  In the spring it will be really, really beautiful.  What a great memorial to Carlie.  

 

It makes me think of your love story.  The beauty of love growing and blooming.  Do you have a picture you would share.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, CharKath said:

My friends got me a magnolia tree for Charley this spring and I got it planted yesterday.

That's a magnificent tree to plant as a memorial!  My parents had one, they're beautiful and smell wonderful!  You'll think of Charley every time you see it!

[Patty65]

We are all witness to your beautiful story, Kathie... as heart-wrenchingly painful it was for you at the end, the end was beautiful too in the sense of your love and holding his last days and minutes with him. I believe his spirit is with you in the best-you-ever-had wheat fields. (((Hugs)))

Patty

[rdownes]

I can tell by your story how much you loved him and he loved you that alone is truly a blessing some people never find such love I feel for you this week I will think of you. I think planting the magnolia tree is truly a tribute to your Charley I hope you find some sense of peace this week.

[CharKath]

Today was a sober one. I'm glad I still have wheat to run or I'd probably fall apart. So many things running through my mind. At 10:30 this morning it really hurt because that's when I discovered he wasn't sleeping. When the hospice nurse was here there was all that paperwork and she had a laptop too.  Once the hospital bed arrived we had to get him in it. She said she was gonna call the first responders to move him. I asked if they would just bodily pick him up and move him and she said yes. My best friend was there too and well, Charley was mine. I wasn't sharing him with anyone. I told them to each grab a leg and I would move him. The nurse was reluclant at first, but then agreed. I picked him up and I moved him with their help.  No strangers for him, not yet anyway. But later, after he had passed. When the funeral director and his helpers lifted him to that gurney, I fell apart. He was out of my hands. Now longer would I be carrying for him, looking after him, worrying about him. He would no longer have to worry about me. When I'd come up from the barn, he's not sitting in a chair looking out the window for me. When I come around the corner of the house mowing, he's not on the porch waving at me. When I'm weeding the garden, he's not sitting in the truck watching me. How many people can actually say that they have a job they love and it doesn't seem like work? We were together every day ALL day 24/7 and it was pure bliss. I didn't want to give that up! I want it back in the worse way. I just want him back to hold and love.

[Gwenivere]

I'm so sorry you hurt so deeply.  The year mark is a very hard one.  Many of us are missing seeing our loves during daily life, but you two had so much time with your home to tend to.  There are no words for days like today.  Or any of them.  I wish you could see him too.  I wish that for all.  It's so hard accepting we can't.  

[brat#2]

Kathy, I know today is hard.  My 1st year mark was on the 10th and that was a horrible day.  It felt like he had just left me and it had been forever since he left me all at the same time.  I wish I could give you some magical words to make this easier, but I can't.  Just know that you are not alone, we are here for you and I'm sending you hugs.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

Kathy,

It has to be hard, you were together all of the time, George and I were when we weren't working, but you even worked together!  I know the anniversary times are really hard.  Yesterday I was thinking, "It's been 11 years one month today."  Do we ever reach the point where that time of the month or year doesn't hit us?  I no longer associate Sunday with his death, but I still do the 19th (that was our anniversary as well as his death date number) and Father's Day, his birthday is hard too, all of the holidays because he's not here.

If I had an Aladdin's lamp, I'd wish we could all have them back, even if only for one day, just to hold them once again.

[Cookie]

CharKath:  So sorry.  It is very painful, I know.  I also do that looking for my husband all the time.  We weren't together 24/7 but we were a lot.  We shared the care of our home and property and every time I have to do those things now it hurts.  It must be excruciating for you.  Take care...hugs, Cookie

[CharKath]

Thanks everyone for your concerns and hugs. I'm so glad I was busy, i finished my wheat, however I was very much aware when 2:00 arrived. That's when he passed away. At noon the hospice nurse for Charley stopped in and while we're talking, I pointed out Charley's magnolia tree. And can you believe it, there fluttering around the tree was a black swallowtail butterfly. This one stuck around a long time, at least 20 minutes. Just flying within twelve feet or so of that tree. I have to admit they make me feel good. Because who knows.

[kayc]

9 hours ago, CharKath said:

Because who knows.

That's right, Kathy, who knows.  That's what I try to get across to those who don't believe in afterlife and have this seeming doomed outlook.  Who knows?  We need to keep our minds open, there's so much no one knows...and so much we DO know, enough to believe.

[Margm]

25 minutes ago, kayc said:

 We need to keep our minds open, there's so much no one knows...and so much we DO know, enough to believe.

I have wrestled with my faith for a long time.  Even though I wrestle with it, the old saying "as the twig is bent" still holds true for me.  If it did not hold true, I would already be "somewhere else."  I have to believe because, for me, there is no other choice.  I wonder sometimes if this had hit at an earlier age would I have been able to handle it better.  Then, in reality, I know there is no "better age."  It is what it is.  

[Gwenivere]

You're right Marg.  There is no 'better' age.  Pain isn't any easier at 30 or 60.  What we have to face might be different as younger people may have to juggle kids and older have to worry about being alone as thier own bodies fail.  But all in all, it's going to crush anyone who loses the love of thier life.

[KATPILOT]

No kidding ladies.