a tomorrow i don't want but need...

[Patty65]

This weekend, my new business partner and I found an "office closing" garage sale and we bought two desks among a bunch of other things.  We need them.  Things are growing, we need office help, etc.  The desks arrive tomorrow.  I'm so tired of crying in front of my staff, but it seems all I can do.  It means I have to clear out Ron's desk, and mine, two rickety things that we dragged up together from the basement, they were left behind by prior tenants when we first rented this place, and our hopes and excitement were so high.  Which also happened to be two years ago this week.  We have to move them out of here to make room for real desks with storage blah blah blah.

Some baskets with his clothes and slippers (when he was feeling so bad but still wanted to come in to work) are in my car, partner put them there yesterday (I said she could)  but I could not take them out last night.  I wanted them back here at work.  I don't want to anticipate tomorrow, but I'm having a hard time not doing that. I can't let go of him here.  I can't let go of our dreams, our stuff, I can't turn our space into something else, something that is not our space.  Yet I need to.  I have not, and have no immediate plans to, touch anything of his at home, his clothes, anything.  It NEEDS to be there.  But here at work, I know it needs to happen for the business to keep going. Yet I want to STOP it all.  Partner will make it pretty and organized in here.  And I'm dreading it. I'm so dreading it.  I don't want to lose another piece of him. OMG.  Tomorrow is going to be horrible.  I don't know how I will go through his desk drawers.  That last time I did, just to grab something quickly, well it didn't go well.  Need strength and the well is dry.

Thanks for listening.

Patty

[Gin]

All these things are so hard.  I lost Al's sunglasses when I went shopping last week and I was devastated.  Another  piece of him gone.

[Patty65]

Yes, so hard -- I want to wear Ron's sunglasses so (the ones I'm wearing in my profile pic) but I don't dare, I lose everything.  He bought me a pair to match his, they lasted a couple of months, which was a record.  10 years later, he still had his.    I'm so sorry you lost Al's!

Hugs,

Patty

[Gin]

Crazy how such little things seem so important when they involve our loved ones.

Gin

[kayc]

Oh Patty, that is so hard.  I wish I had a suggestion, but I don't.

Gin, you too.  These adjustments are so hard!

[Gwenivere]

I so feel for you on this, Patty.  I haven't touched Steves stuff at home, but I did have a very hard time executing his will and giving his guitars, bass , mandolin and keyboards to the people he wanted to have them.  Every person that got something has been so touched by having one if his babies.  It makes looking at all the room in his studio just a little bit easier.  I used to always help him with his work office when he moved to different ones.  But I wasn't working with him, so when those things were brought to me it was tough, but not things with emotional ties for me like you or that I saw every day.  I don't have any wisdom to offer and to say, as much as I can I can understand his hard this will be for you.   

[MartyT]

Our hearts are with you tomorrow, dear Patty, and we wish you strength to do what you have to do ♥  

[Polly]

Patty,

Sending you a big hug!!!! I know tomorrow will be hard but like you said, it's what you need to do for the business.

[rdownes]

I can only imagine how hard it will be for you my thoughts will be with you I am sure your  Ron is right beside you knowing and understanding it is what you feel you need to do.

[KATPILOT]

Patty if you keep some of those things in you home for now, it won't feel so much like losing him. I understand the old desks and the memories they hold. I had to do some of that too but I came to look at some things as just stuff. After losing enough items through no choice of my own, I began to hold on to the other things of greater importance. Accepting change in our lives is about the hardest part of grief but remember you'll never lose him. That's just not possible.

[Froggie4635]

Patty,

I have seen people re-purpose parts of furniture.  Maybe the drawers from the desks can be used in your home, to at least keep part of them with you.  Early on after I lost Mark, I was eager to hand off some of his things to his siblings; so they could have a piece of him.  Well, no one really took me up on it, so now if they ask, it might not be as easy to release them.  Each little piece that goes hurts so much.  I had been using his lip balm, the one he had for so long and he last used it when he was in the hospital a week before he passed.  I ended up using something to dig out every little bit of balm, and still the tube sits on my table in the living room.  I am sure there will be a way to keep some part of him in your new desk.  I bought these clear desk blotters and slipped many items under them to be able to look at whenever I need it.  Sending hugs to you...

Maryann

[brat#2]

Patty - I know today is going to be a hard one and like everyone said, I don't have any words of wisdom to help get you through it.  I do understand not wanting to get rid of such a huge part of you life together, but sometimes we have to do it.  You are in my thoughts.   Hugs

Joyce

 

[marsha]

Patty - I will tell you one thing from my experience. Ron's not going anywhere. Removing his things will NOT remove him from your heart, your dreams, your business (and trust me, your customers feel this, and his loss, too). Will it be hard? Yes, and there's no way to circumvent it. But you can do this. Courage is having nothing left in the tank, but you keep going anyway (even though I asked, in my mind, exactly what is the effing point? like a million times). 

And to make you smile, just a little - there was no taking back the semi-hole in the wall where Joe hit it. Or the dent in the filing cabinet in our teensy office where I kicked it in. Both due to "debates" while prepping. I swear, Patty, after Joe died, the smoke alarm (too high for me to get to) kept going off, to the point where my employees would say, "Joe, stop it!". I'm not kidding - it was surreal, wonderful and horrible at the same time. 

You know we're all behind you. Hugs to you, Marsha

 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, marsha said:

 

Patty - I will tell you one thing from my experience. Ron's not going anywhere

 

I had all Billy's rods and his reels wrapped in plastic, and it was a big package.  Moving into this apartment, I tried to envision where I would put them.  Nowhere.  Not a clue.  My son and daughter had taken the ones that they wanted.  This man of mine had more fishing things than I could even try to list.  I could not sell Billy.   So, I gave the whole kit and caboodle to a fisherman that came by.  I let Scott do it.  I turned my back and walked away telling myself that Billy could not use them and I wasn't.  But I still have all his Tee-shirts in one huge plastic bucket with top. Right now the bucket holds the TV in the bedroom and there it will stay.  Moving, I gave away a lot of our life, but he could not use it anymore.  I took his new glass frames and put my prescription in them, and I wear them.  

It is so hot out right now and running errands this morning I felt breathless.  I remembered he was me and I was him so naturally I was just half alive, so why shouldn't I be breathless.   

Looking at our groups pictures from Saturday I had on my purple.  I honestly look like a purple grape.  Well, I could have been a raisin. 

[Patty65]

Don't know what I would do without you guys, thank you.

Maybe I'm through the worst of it. Emptying the drawers and seeing it get taken out was hell.  The new desks mostly in, chaos and my head is so foggy and eyes so sore, I can't think to put things back together.

 Only thing I did was plug in computer to check in here.

((((everyone))))

Much love,

Patty

[Patty65]

I had rearranged the desks when Ron was in Hospice, so I could do anything here.  Before removing everything, I put them back the way they were before when he was here, to say goodbye.  Nobody here understood until I couldn't hold it in anymore.  "Ron is not his desk" one said.  I broke down, they shut up. Yes, I know. But our era is gone in here now.  It's just so wrong.

[KATPILOT]

Just something to think about when you look at changes with what surrounded you before they left.

Kathy was a quilter. Like you say Marg about Billy and the fishing equipment, Kathy had a quilting room. Actually two rooms for the office became invaded too. Her sewing table, the quilt board I made for her, the lovely Bernina that represented the first big gift I gave her and all the drawers and cabinets so carefully arranged with fat quarters and yarn balls I would hold as she rolled them stayed just as she left it for the first several months.  I will never forget the quilt she was working on with all those little pieces cut and pinned on that board. It was like going into the artists studio as if they had just stepped out to take a break. Only she wasn't coming back in. The quilt would remain undone. The machine she would take for service every year sitting still and untouched by the artists hand. Oh that room had a power. It had the power to crumble me. To take my very soul and tear it apart. How could this be happening? It was inconceivable. And the worst part............what to do? I contemplated taking classes. I considered learning how to quilt. Perhaps I thought I could even finish what she started.  It was unrealistic. She had developed those skills through more years than I have left.  I had a business to save so I could recover from the bills and I had to have a livelihood. So I thought and thought for I was "a bear of little brain". Christopher Robin was gone and I had no one to ask. So days passed by and I slowly accepted the fact it could not stay that way forever. I began the evolution that changed that room. I donated lots of stuff to help ladies who knitted things for cancer patients and other causes. Slowly it became a guest room and the cabinets began to hold the baking equipment that I kept acquiring for that became my goal. I could learn to bake things as she did. It was a whole lot easier for me to learn.

So what am I saying?  I'm talking about moving forward while honoring her along the way for I know she would be proud of me. I knew when I was good enough to make that wedding cake for a reception of fifty, Kathy would smile at how I changed that room and why. Not once did I lose the essence of the artist. WE just share the same studio now.

What we do with change can be more productive to so many areas of life. You don't have  to fear losing them. You just invite them to follow along.

The Bernina?  That my friends shall never leave.

[Gin]

Steve,

Gives me a lot to think about.  Al had a garage full of tools and machines.  Saws, drills, shop smith, 3 workbenches.   He gave his shop smith away a few months before he died to his friend.  My son-in-law took another special tool.  There is so, so much left.  I am sure I can give a lot of it away...but I want to honor him somehow.   He so loved making things for the grandkids.  We have a big heavy duty picnic table on the patio attached to the garage.  He used that as a workbench.  Neighbors  were always curious what he was working on.  I have to really think on this.  Maybe a workshop in a park.  I know that I do not want to use them. Maybe keep some screwdrivers, pliers, etc.

Gin

[KATPILOT]

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

Looking at our groups pictures from Saturday I had on my purple.  I honestly look like a purple grape.  Well, I could have been a raisin. 

When I get old, I shall wear purple!

[kayc]

13 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I will never forget the quilt she was working on with all those little pieces cut and pinned on that board.

Perhaps you could hire a quilter to finish the quilt so you could keep and use it in her memory?

[Patty65]

I got a little clarity at what was going on with everything last night in therapy.  I just started talking and talking about how the business started -- all the joys that Ron shared with me, all the victories, the growth, the early morning Farmer's Markets, and my therapist said, wow that sounds like having a baby!  I went on, talking about how it took over our lives, our conversations, our dreams - so much so that I started worrying about our relationship, it was so engrossed in Maui Pasta - every waking minute.  Therapist said, yes, just like a baby!  I wondered why I was doing this anymore.  PJ reminded me how it has been my only solace and my passion, that's why.  I we realized, losing our office space by redoing it, it was losing a piece of him at Maui Pasta.  The intensity yesterday was insane.  By the afternoon, I felt like he had just died, all over again.  Because I felt the ache deep in my chest, physically, again, going up into my throat, like I felt those first weeks.  I am mourning the loss of the father of our child, Maui Pasta.  I realized I needed to write Maui Pasta's birth story.  So, I'm going to work on that.

I hope one day I can transform our home bring Ron along with the changes, too, Steve.

Patty

[KATPILOT]

Patty if you put it down into words it just might make you feel good inside. We don't tribute ourselves but we should. While you are thinking about Ron and the journey of your business, you can and must credit yourself. After all, you're the mom.  I think changes to your home is a little scary and the sense of losing our spouse with those changes is bad enough but a business such as yours? Well that has to be harder. I guess I am fortunate. I'm writing this at her desk here at work although I think she would have words seeing how cluttered it has become. 

[kayc]

Patty,

Have you thought of writing a tribute to Ron, something you can frame and have AT Maui Pasta?  After all, the two of you were the founders, and it is part of the restaurant's history, the birth of it.  It would be a way of keeping Ron there, keeping him in it.

[WolfsKat]

21 hours ago, Gin said:

Steve,

Gives me a lot to think about.  Al had a garage full of tools and machines.  Saws, drills, shop smith, 3 workbenches.   He gave his shop smith away a few months before he died to his friend.  My son-in-law took another special tool.  There is so, so much left.  I am sure I can give a lot of it away...but I want to honor him somehow.   He so loved making things for the grandkids.  We have a big heavy duty picnic table on the patio attached to the garage.  He used that as a workbench.  Neighbors  were always curious what he was working on.  I have to really think on this.  Maybe a workshop in a park.  I know that I do not want to use them. Maybe keep some screwdrivers, pliers, etc.

Gin

Just a thought.....Habitat for Humanity always needs such items.....I know what you feel about wanting the donation to honor him.  I donated many items of Connor's to a organization to assist homeless vets, as my Connor was a proud Navy veteran.