Bubbling right beneath the surface...

[Gwenivere]

You nailed it, Marg.  There are things I don't want to know.  I've acquired more skills than I ever wanted.  I had plenty of my own and combined with Steves, it worked like a well oiled machine.  I had no curiosity in how he kept the computers and wifi running and he didn't delve into how the bills got paid or the coffers always filled.  Shared projects were fun, but we each had our roles.  No one got overwhelmed having to do everything.  Now a simple thing can happen and it seems so monumental.  I don't like being the 24/7 maintenance person.  I miss being appreciative of his efforts and he of mine.  The best were the things we did together and could pat each other on the back.  

[mittam99]

And sadly, all of that "teamwork" is gone.

In my life with Tammy I guess you could say I was the car mechanic and the computer geek and the lawn maintenance guy and the house repair guy... etc...

That's what we guys do. At least I always have. Then, over the last many years as Tammy's health worsened, I took over most of the shopping and cooking duties, too. But, I was happy to do it for my family. So those types of skills are no biggie for me now alone. I got it covered.

What I miss more than any particular skill that Tammy had, is simply, Tammy. She was the most loving. The sweetest. The cutest. The funniest. The sexiest. She was someone everyone loved. I miss being with her and feeling like my life was complete and everything was right in this world. Her biggest and most important skill was being amazing.

This new world is so different than the one we used to know. So lonely and so incredibly sad. As I said in my original post in this thread, that sadness is always bubbling and brewing right beneath the surface ready to burst out at anytime.

[iPraiseHim]

DITTO, Mitch! 

We had our roles and then as Rose Anne got weaker and weaker, I stepped up to handle it.  She would have if she could.  She did for years. 

I miss her.  Her presence; her love; her life. US! 

It's been a tough week.  - Shalom

[kayc]

Gwen, I'm with you, not good at the maintenance stuff, George was so good at taking care of me and he took that role to heart!

[Dreamwinds]

It has been twelve days since my husband of thirty years died unexpectedly in his sleep. I am totally lost, feeling as though I am on autopilot. I feel totally alone and isolated. This sadness is simply overwhelming.

[Gin]

wires winds,

so very sorry for what you are going through.  It is a hard road.  We are all in this together and support one another.  Please feel free to share your story when you can.  

Gin

[kayc]

Dreamwinds,

I'm sorry for your loss.  The feelings you are experiencing are typical for being where you are in your journey.  I'm glad you came here, it helps so much to know you're heard and your feelings are normal under the circumstances.  

I hope you will share a little more when you're up to it, we're here and will listen.

Try to focus on just getting through one day at a time and try not to look at "the rest of your life", which can feel overwhelming.  I remember doing that when I first lost my George and it was enough to send me into full blown panic!  The good people here helped me learn to do a day at a time.

[iPraiseHim]

15 hours ago, Dreamwinds said:

It has been twelve days since my husband of thirty years died unexpectedly in his sleep. I am totally lost, feeling as though I am on autopilot. I feel totally alone and isolated. This sadness is simply overwhelming.

I remember that feeling as if it was yesterday.  My life changed in an instant.  I found this place about two weeks after my wife's sudden death.  This place is a special place for us who have lost there most beloved spouse.  This is a safe place to share, learn, and deal with what has been the most challenging and devastating thing in my life. 

I was in "Shock and Awe" for a long time.  These kind people helped me and many others to deal with the grief journey that we are now all on.  The tips, tools, and advice given here help to deal with your new world. Come and share when you are able and find that you are not alone, going crazy, or just depressed.  My thoughts and prayers are with you. - Shalom

[Dreamwinds]

Thank you all for your kind words. So many folks have said "take it one day at a time" but for me, it is often one hour or one moment at a time. For thirty years, we lived together and built a successful business together. To go from seeing someone literally 24/7 to never again is devastating.  I want to feel joy again, laugh again, even smile again. But what I want most is to see him again, discuss the articles in the newspaper with him again, drink coffee with him again. I want to tell him how much I admire him and appreciate him. I never once thought about him not being in my life. I never thought about one of us dying. We were supposed to grow older and grayer together. I miss him immeasurably.

[iPraiseHim]

We all want the same thing. - Shalom

[Margm]

DW, I have got to admit something to you.  My childhood friend, her big ole football husband did not wake up one morning.  He had not been sick.  He was 60.  Then my classmate, he did not wake up one morning either.  I remember being sad for their wives.  But, that was sympathy.  I felt bad, but I did not feel the burning, white hot, stabbing, next thing to dying pain of losing Billy.  I so want to touch his high cheekbones, look again into his beautiful blue eyes, just see his beautiful hands in some other pose than letting me know he had to give up.  We had five weeks of knowing he was very ill, but I was God, I was going to make a miracle and make him live.  I found out I was a mere mortal and a weak one at that.  One that cries very easily and one that misses her mate of 54 years so terribly bad.  I would not let him talk of death, but he knew.  I did not want him to know.  I wanted to protect him.  He went from cane, to walker, to wheelchair in five weeks and then he was gone.  At 5 feet tall, I could and would have carried his over 6 foot frame anywhere if I could have kept him.  Unrealistically, I wanted 54 more years, even five would have been good.  Coward that I am, in all my illnesses, I wanted to go first.  He said the one left must stay.  I am staying, but I don't want to.  You are among friends, you can talk to all of us.  Some good people on here.

[Widowedbysuicide]

20 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

We all want the same thing. - Shalom

So very true....

[Gin]

Another trigger.  I went to the bank today to take money from my IRA.   Had someone I did not know.  She had problems and called the manager to help.  The manager I did know.  All of a sudden, she asked if Al was OK.  She always saw us together.  More tears.

Gin

[Widowedbysuicide]

So sorry Gin.

[kayc]

Gin, I'm so sorry, that's so hard.

Dreamwinds, yes in the early days a day is too much to take on, I also found breaking it down to an hour or even minute helpful.  

[brat#2]

Gin, so sorry you had a hard day, it's never easy when someone asks that question.  Take care.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

On 8/22/2016 at 7:56 PM, Dreamwinds said:

Thank you all for your kind words. So many folks have said "take it one day at a time" but for me, it is often one hour or one moment at a time. For thirty years, we lived together and built a successful business together. To go from seeing someone literally 24/7 to never again is devastating.  I want to feel joy again, laugh again, even smile again. But what I want most is to see him again, discuss the articles in the newspaper with him again, drink coffee with him again. I want to tell him how much I admire him and appreciate him. I never once thought about him not being in my life. I never thought about one of us dying. We were supposed to grow older and grayer together. I miss him immeasurably.

Dreamwinds, first off, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my beloved wife Tammy to the ravages of systemic lupus on March 6, 2015. Her and I were truly the perfect couple. Not perfect in the sense of being "perfect people", what I mean is we were perfect for each other. Through all of Tammy's many medical ordeals, surgeries and near death experiences, I always "knew" she would be OK. I couldn't imagine a world without my Tammy in it. Last March 4th, Tammy came home after a long hospital and rehab stay. We both had so much hope for our future together. Then, less than 48 hours later, Tammy was rushed to the hospital and by the time she reached there, she was gone. And I was left alone and absolutely, unbearably devastated.

This grief journey these last 17 months has been filled with tears and pain and longing for Tammy. I ache for her and always will. No one, especially someone as wonderful as Tammy should die at 45 years old. It's still hard to believe but it's my reality. Thinking about my future alone is not a pleasant experience. It all hurts.

As you said, Tammy's dream was also for us to grow old and gray together (and when the time came). to die together in bed. Cuddling and holding each other with our last breath. Together as one, as we always were. And then March 6th happened and my life was unexpectedly and horribly changed forever.

I know you're only two weeks into your loss. At this point I know you feel lost. Your husband who was always by your side is missing. The bed is empty on his side. He's not there to share your everyday thoughts or your innermost desires. It's all so raw and all so incredibly painful. You feel like an empty shell.

I want to talk to you about the journey ahead and hopefully give you some insights based on my journey so far. Everyone's grief journey is different but we all share much in common. The biggest common denominator is the fact our soul mate is gone and we are still here.

Grief isn't just a painful, difficult journey, It's a learning experience. I definitely have learned much in these past 17+ months.

At the beginning, all you can do is take it one moment at a time. Then maybe an hour at a time. Then a few hours at a time. You can't really think much further ahead than that. You need to take care of yourself physically. Grief is hard on you. That means reminding yourself to drink plenty of water (tears can be  dehydrating). Try to get plenty of rest, although often times that's easier said then done. Right now this is about you. And you are a real VIP, so take care of the basics.

Avoid (or ignore) the people who haven't lost a soul mate but give you their "words of wisdom". Things like "they're in a better place" or "they're feeling no pain. Or the very painful and thoughtless "you'll find someone else in time". The truth is, unless you've lost a soul mate you just don't know. They mean well but they aren't helping.

Get ready to do the "grief dance" and to do some surfing on the "grief waves". The grief dance is something like one step forward and two steps back. Or two steps forward and three steps back. Just expect the unexpected and don't beat yourself up if you're not progressing.

The grief waves and the grief triggers. These will hurt so be prepared. They will take your breath away and not in a good way. You'll be watching TV and doing "Ok" and all of the sudden, something you see triggers a thought and you lose it. It could be a song on the radio. Or it simply can be a thought that pops into your head at the most unexpected or inopportune times. At the beginning of my grief these waves knocked me down for a long time. In time, I've learned to ride them a bit better and recover much more quickly.

If you feel like you just can't function and you need to reach out for help, grief counseling is a good place to start. Marty's group here is an absolutely incredible resource with wonderful, caring members.

One last thing. And this may not be easy to hear but I hope I explain it so it makes sense. Don't listen to folks who say you'll "get over it". You don't. You can't. When you love someone heart and soul and become intertwined with them, that kind of connection is forever. They may have died, but in spirit they live on inside of you for the rest of your life.

I hope you find a sense of peace and we will be here to walk with you on your journey.

Hugs,

Mitch

[mittam99]

Today, I was chatting with an older woman (a former co-worker and a friend of the family) who I haven't seen in a while. She asked if I was dating anyone. When I told her "no", she said "you're a good looking guy", kind of implying that I'm wasting my life away and that women would want me. Flattering in a way but like I told her, I still feel married to Tammy and always will. We left it with her saying "you're not ready". End of story. 

Then I started thinking... ready for what? It's as if people think there's something wrong with us if we haven't "moved on". This woman lost her husband and has remarried and is happy. And that's great. More power to her. But, that's not who I am or where I am in my life. Being with someone else isn't even a thought process in my head. Tammy was my once in a lifetime true and perfect love. 

[Gin]

Went to a restaurant today to take a sandwich home.  Got back in the car and it would not start.  It is an old car (Toyota Camray) but has been very reliable so far.  Called the service station and had to get the car towed.  The man at service station drove me home.  Probably a starter, they said.  Al always took care of this stuff.  Just another reminder of the loss.

Gin

[mittam99]

Nice of the guy to drive you home, Gin. But yes, nothing is easy in this new life of ours.

[Dreamwinds]

I dread the day that the vehicle doesn't start, or the computer doesn't boot, or so many other things that he took care of.  I've already been faced with some of these issues at work. Things that I should know, but don't. Things such as payroll tax or sales tax liabilities. He was my superman. Someone mentioned "grief waves." These are so totally unexpected and can bring you to your knees. My responsibilities and obligations keep me going. The truth is that I don't want to. A few months ago we attended a friend's wake. My husband told her husband to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep reminding myself of his words.

[WolfsKat]

16 minutes ago, Dreamwinds said:

I dread the day that the vehicle doesn't start, or the computer doesn't boot, or so many other things that he took care of.  I've already been faced with some of these issues at work. Things that I should know, but don't. Things such as payroll tax or sales tax liabilities. He was my superman. Someone mentioned "grief waves." These are so totally unexpected and can bring you to your knees. My responsibilities and obligations keep me going. The truth is that I don't want to. A few months ago we attended a friend's wake. My husband told her husband to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep reminding myself of his words.

Hello DreamWinds (beautiful choice of "name").......welcoming you with open arms, to the group, although I wish you had no need to BE here!  I actually call them "griefbursts"....like s sudden intense internal deluge!  I grew to dread these (still do)......but I now try hard to keep in mind that they DO pass.....and seem to have gotten a wee bit less intense/frequent in these past 10 months.....I do hope so!  Lots of good advice above from some very good & wise folks who truly "get" what you are going through....and a wealth of help via Marty's links on this site, as well.  I hope you will continue to come here.....it truly does help, knowing others understand and care, we kind of lift each other up, often.....and I've come to value this immensely!  Wishing you all of the comfort you can find!    Kat

[kayc]

Gin, I'm sorry your car left you in the lurch and I hope the bill isn't too painful.  Yes we relied on them in so many ways, not only the love we have for each other, but the ways we showed it.

I'm still learning to take care of some things for myself.  When I upgraded to Windows 10 a couple of years ago, it messed up my permissions, not allowing me to do anything with my pictures or scan to my computer.  I knew a computer guru could figure it out but not having a couple hundred bucks to throw away, I learned to work around it.  Yesterday I fixed it myself.  Now if only they'd had decent drivers for my printer because it's updated and still doesn't work right since the upgrade!

Each of these new things we do for ourselves instills confidence that we need to take care of ourselves.  It can feel overwhelming at first, esp. if you weren't the one to handle the taxes or take care of the car.  I know guys who don't know their way around the kitchen and feel the same ineptitude that we do in other areas (not you, Mitch!).  We struggle, but we get better at dealing with all of it.

[mittam99]

Oh brother...

So, I was on the phone with my sister today and she told me a friend of hers has a "girl for me".  I guess this woman thinks I'm a real "hunky" catch. lol

Like I told my sister, it's flattering but I'm just not ready for that, and honestly. I don't know if I ever will be. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't lost their soul mate. My sister means well and I know she only wants me to be happy. I'm sure she thinks I'm wasting my life away and living in the past. But you and I know what this new life feels like and how hard it is. I told her I don't want to feel pressured into doing something I don't want to do. That's no way to start a relationship under any circumstance.

I had the best wife in the world. Thought we would be together forever.

In a way, I feel like Tammy will always be in my life and will always be my special angel.

[brat#2]

26 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Like I told my sister, it's flattering but I'm just not ready for that, and honestly. I don't know if I ever will be. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't lost their soul mate. My sister means well and I know she only wants me to be happy. I'm sure she thinks I'm wasting my life away and living in the past. But you and I know what this new life feels like and how hard it is. I told her I don't want to feel pressured into doing something I don't want to do. That's no way to start a relationship under any circumstance.

 

It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through this and I don't understand why other people think we need to meet someone new and that will make everything ok again.  If I want to "waste" the rest of my life, then just let me do that.  I hate those conversations.  Hugs

Joyce