Bubbling right beneath the surface...

[KATPILOT]

Your words speak volumes Mitch.

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

  It's not how life was supposed to be. But it happened, and I have no choice other than trying to live a life that has some purpose to it. I haven't found that yet, but slowly, I'm getting there, one step at a time.

Even though my life (at times) feels meaningless and the sorrow engulfs me, the life I had with Tammy will always be a part of me. And that's a very, very important thing, emotionally. Though the best part of my life may have been in the past who's to say that my life in the future won't include a measure of happiness? With Tammy's love inside me and my own perseverance, I think it will happen.

I hope all of us get to be where you are now, to look to the future with uncertainty yet keeping that special person inside us as we travel. A lifeboat of joy in a sea of sorrow.

[WolfsKat]

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Kay, I can honestly say you are the only person I know that makes her own hummingbird food. You must have to use a really small bowl to mix that! 

Good point......but also how does one hold a spoon that small?  

[Gwenivere]

Mitch, 18 months is a long time yet not.  Grief is a death grip we struggle with every day now.  I admire your attitude about it when you post.  Wish I could feel that.  My missing Steve is like a spear thru my heart and even the good memories twist it harder.  

[Gin]

Gwen,

that has been my problem right along.  Everyone tells me to remember all the good times we had.  That's the problem.  It hurts so much to know that there will be no more. 

Gin

[mittam99]

Gin, I know it hurts. We've lost that special person that made each day better. That made us feel like we were part of a special team. We've lost the companionship and we're missing all the love we gave and received.

I understand that our memories can hurt because they are just that... memories. It's hard to think of those happy times in the past and not feel distraught. After all, we can't create any future memories that include our beloved soul mates.

What's that saying? Something like "it's better to have loved than to have never loved at all". Meaning that, I'm grateful that I had Tammy in my life to share love and to share our dreams together.

Would we rather have never met our soul mates and never experienced that life of joy? Of course not. This pain that we feel is the price we pay for the deep love we shared. 

I wish I knew how to go back in time and somehow prevent all of our loved ones deaths. In a fantasy world, we wouldn't be posting at a grief forum, we'd still be living the good life with our wives, husbands and significant others. 

But this is our new reality. Each of us has to live our life and somehow find our way in this new world that's filled with loneliness and sadness. A world that's missing the love we once had. 

I don't have all the answers. No one does. This life of grief is basically on the job training, every day. You take each day as it comes and see where it takes you. That's literally all you can do.

I'm so grateful this forum exists. It's helped me so much and I hope my words have helped others in their journey. We're all in this together.

Mitch

[Traz]

Thank you Mitch for your sharing. I am new to the group & this was the 1st thread I found that caught my eye. It will be 1 year this weekend that my husband died. So many people I know insinuate that there must be something wrong with me because I still hurt so bad. That is what prompted me to start looking for something that might help. But finding this site & your posts let me know I am not alone, & it is not unusual to still be feeling such sadness & grief after losing my soulmate. I know everyone handles grief in their own way, but it is nice to know that the way I still feel is not unusual.

[KATPILOT]

Another card for my fridge. Thanks WolfsKat. 

It's not just normal to feel such sadness and grief after one year Traz. It would be illogical to not feel that way unless of course you were in denial.  I love your tag image. Speaks a powerful feeling of loss. This weekend will be hard. The first often is but I'm glad you found your way here.

[Gin]

Mitch,

I looked through some cards that Al gave me for birthdays and anniversaries.  He really wrote well and made me feel so special to him.  Of course I am glad that I had this super special guy in my life, but oh it is so hard to have him gone.  Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Gin

[mittam99]

finding this site & your posts let me know I am not alone, & it is not unusual to still be feeling such sadness & grief after losing my soulmate.

Traz, thanks for your kind words. It means a lot. I don't have much happiness in life these days and knowing I've touched someone in a positive way is very gratifying.

I know how hard that one year mark will be this weekend... be prepared for those grief waves.

We'll be here for you when you need us.

Hugs.

[Patty65]

49 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

v

I like the that this photo shows the ghost of the light via the smoke.  We may not see the smoke for long as it dissipates  but those particles are always out there.  Not the beautiful warm flame anymore, which is what we love and miss the most, and those particles are so invisible. Faith that those particles are out there is such a hard thing.

[iPraiseHim]

14 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Kay, I can honestly say you are the only person I know that makes her own hummingbird food. You must have to use a really small bowl to mix that! 

Okay! I laughed!

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Traz said:

So many people I know insinuate that there must be something wrong with me because I still hurt so bad.

OMGosh, Traz, sorry I have not written.  I go back and forth into my own world, but I get so angry when I see that people think we are strange for still missing our life, our hearts, our brains, our mechanisms that make us get up in the morning and go to bed at night.  One thing those people will see in their future, unless they die first, they will see grief as they never imagined and I am not sure if the grief fog will hide their terrible treatment of grieving people, but at some time they will remember saying bad things to grief stricken people.  To me it is the same as knocking a legless person out of a wheelchair and telling them to get up and walk.  Billy will be gone one year October 17.  Lost my mama on August 9th.  It made me grieve harder for Billy and I cannot understand that.  But, at first, those first 2-3 months or so I would see older couples together and it would horrify me the fact that one of them was going to lose the other.  We had 54 years together but I get jealous of people that had 55 and my uncle and aunt have 64.  The Queen of England I think will have 75 years and I get jealous of all those people.  I think I even was angry at my poor mama for living 95 years and I would have nursed Billy for any number of years if I could have kept him.  But, if he had been in his right mind, what would that have done to him.  Those five weeks from finding out he was terminal until he left passed by so fast I would not let him say goodbye. And, he lost so much of his dignity in those five weeks why would I ever want him to hurt longer.  Traz, you have come to a good place.  The people here have empathy and not just sympathy;  They know your hurt.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

I looked through some cards that Al gave me for birthdays and anniversaries.

Gin, Billy had a distinctive handwriting.  He printed rather than cursive.  I found one of his notes that he must have gone fishing early and left me a note saying "Love You, be back by noon".  I took it and taped it on his wooden urn in the bookcase at the end of the hall.  When my son came over and headed to the bathroom he did a double take of the note.  He said "Mom, that gave me a crazy feeling seeing that in Dad's handwriting."  

[Gwenivere]

Traz, such a powerful image with the candles.  Truly touching in very deep way.

[Traz]

Thank you all for your comments & complements on my photo. Photography is one thing I do that often speaks for me when I can't find the words. That image was one I set up & took because it did say so much without having to say a word.  

I definitely will be spending some time on this site and as much as I hate that most are here because of a lose of a loved one, it is comforting to have those who really do understand.

[KATPILOT]

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

 "Love You, be back by noon".  I took it and taped it on his wooden urn in the bookcase at the end of the hall. 

This touched me Marg. Things like that happen in my house too. That's about the sweetest, dearest thing I've heard in a long while.

[mittam99]

I found these words quite poignant.

This makes a ton of sense. Things will never be the same, that's not possible. But, after enduring trials and tribulations, and with some mighty effort, our lives can become something better than they are today. Not easy, but it can happen.

[kayc]

Mitch, I want to double like this!

[mittam99]

Words to my wife...

Tammy, I love you with every breath I take and every step I make. You are in my heart and in my soul. You were and always will be the best part of me. You are my inspiration and you made me a better man. A more loving, more compassionate, more understanding man. You showed me (by example) what true courage is in the face of impossible odds. 

As time goes by, I miss you more each day. I miss your smile. I miss those big squishy hugs where you just never want to let go. I miss your soft sweet lips and your incredibly soft skin. I miss making you laugh and seeing your eyes light up when I made a special meal for us. I miss everything about you, my darling. 

I'm trying my best to live this life alone. It's not easy. But... I know you'd want me to find some happiness in it. 

I was (and am) the luckiest man in the world to have such a wonderful woman call me husband. You are my forever wife.

My beautiful, sweet little Tammy. My forever and always one true love.

I will love you for all eternity.

Mitch

[Gin]

Beautiful, Mitch.  You both were fortunate to have each other.

Gin

 

[brat#2]

Beautifully written Mitch.  You can feel the love you have for Tammy and the love she has for you.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Today I had a moment that truly defined the essense of this topic. That the sadness of grief is always just below the surface 24/7 and just waiting to bubble up and explode.

I love football. Had season tickets to the Baltimore Colts and now I'm a Ravens fanatic. Tammy adopted the team too. Matter of fact, the Ravens won the Super Bowl the first year we were together.

So today, I was excited about (well, "looking forward to" since I'm not sure excited is possible these days) the first game of the year. And I'm glad we won. But, then there was that moment that I need to describe.

Our quarterback threw a long pass to a new receiver and it was a great play. A 66 yard touchdown! I was screaming and clapping my hands and fist pumping and basically going ballistic in the moment. Pure, unadulterated happiness. Then, literally a second later. I started to sob uncontrollably and cried out at the top of my lungs to Tammy!!! I couldn't stop. It took me a while to gather myself and from then on I continued to watch the game, but the joy was gone.

It was another intensely painful reminder that the woman of my dreams isn't by my side like she should be.  

It's a harsh reality, this world of grief.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I sure wish you would have more of the good moments.  The cruelty of the degree of grief and pain in relation to the depth of the love shared is so unfair.

Tammy you were a very lucky lady and Mitch was a lucky man too.  Amazing that you found each other!  Tragic that your loving time together was shortened.

I am cheering for you both Mitch.

[Gin]

Mitch,

I always watched football (college and NFL) with Al.  Never watched before Al.  Now, I can not watch any.