Bubbling right beneath the surface...

[iPraiseHim]

6 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Everything that has been said here, I completely relate to.  The issue with me is I have this totally negative voice that lives in my head and instead of being supportive, tells me that I am just being lazy and unmotivated.  I read the phrase empty shell, and that describes exactly how I feel.  And I read somewhere else about feeling so much older now.  When I was with Mark, I felt so much younger and believed  I could take on the world, with him by my side.  It has been 20 months and I feel like I have aged 20 years.  I am a little younger in age than many people who post here, but I do not feel that way.  I also understand the "selfish" term.  Now, I have been declining invitations more recently due to not feeling well physically (creating some fear) and the extreme heat here in Houston this summer.  Thank goodness we are now halfway through August and really only need to face September before the cooler temps come.  I hope by then I will find my motivation.  I watch a LOT of television (escaping) and then hate myself for wasting so much time.  I just can't find the thing that will pull me out of this.  I try so much to give "permission" and be understanding and accepting and allow myself...but that voice that almost tries to shame me for being so passive is VERY powerful.  I don't have the strength to stand up to it; it takes everything I have to go out into the world and function at work so I can eat and pay the bills.  I can say these things to you all, because you all understand, have or currently are still experiencing the same.  Mark's absence is a HUGE presence in my life.  I begin to wonder should I still be feeling this way.  I want so much to measure myself against some chart that can let me know I have felt this way long enough, to check off the final thing that allows me to move to a different level.  I am not sure who I am waiting to give me permission, to have the authority I need to tell me it is OKAY to feel sad this way, and unmotivated and stay to myself.  I know I am the only person whose permission I need...and I can't seem to be okay with that.  What does one do?

Everything you share here I have thought many times.  WOULDA... SHOULDA...COULDA... can make a mess out of life.  At eighteen months today, I have just begun to start cleaning up.  Whatever time it takes is whatever time it takes.  Please give yourself permission to not judge yourself.. THERE IS NO TIMELINE.  PERIOD.  I still watch a lot of Netflix, Amazon Prime, Crackle, HULU, etc... 

I pray for the willingness to be willing to do something and for God to give me the strength to do what I know needs to get done.  Give yourself permission to grief for it is another side of the deep love you have for Mark.  Just tell that voice to "SHUT UP" .  That's what I do and it helps.  I tend to be my own worst critic.  Do what brings you peace.  It has worked for me.  And just Saturday I woke up with a little energy to start working on my own home.  Praying for peace and calm in your head and heart. - Shalom

[Margm]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

How you are feeling is how you feel, there are no "shoulds" on our grief journeys.

Just do what you can, when you can, if you can, how you can...........if you want to.  I don't think there are any set rules.  My taking those bottle of 50 Dilaudid out to the woods and hiding out as long as my body would hide out, well, that was not the way.  Thank goodness I learned better.  Billy's voice telling me "the one left must stay" yelled in my ears.  My religion yelled in my ears.  We actually do not owe anyone anything.  My mama's death/cremains/placing of those cremains have become a three ring circus, and who knows, Ringling Brothers might just be out there with elephants and tigers, oh my.  I think I will stay home.  I have two strong negative personalities in my sister and my daughter who want to be "boss" of the world, or at least this.  I am glad I handled Billy's and no one questioned me.  If they did, I did not hear them.  And, this is why I signed everything over to my sister, EVERYTHING.  Nothing I want, but damn if they are not going to argue over the little woman's cremains being placed in a 24-25 inch hole and who all to invite.  Yes, I have had a Xanax and I-just-don't-care.  

[brat#2]

Marg, I feel for you.  Fighting over what to do is not what you need right now.  You are in my thoughts.  Sending you a big hug

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Marg (and this is certainly not meant to make light of the situation), when you relate these stories of your family, I always think it has the makings of a hit reality show on Lifetime Network or something. What a cast of characters!

So sorry you are dealing with all this drama. Like Joyce said, it's the last thing you need right now.

Hugs.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

 Mark's absence is a HUGE presence in my life.  I begin to wonder should I still be feeling this way.  I want so much to measure myself against some chart that can let me know I have felt this way long enough, to check off the final thing that allows me to move to a different level.  I am not sure who I am waiting to give me permission, to have the authority I need to tell me it is OKAY to feel sad this way, and unmotivated and stay to myself.  I know I am the only person whose permission I need...and I can't seem to be okay with that.  What does one do?

I don't know if this helps, Maryann, but I feel exactly the same way.  I have read and been told and encouraged to beleive this is normal, but if you have never felt it before, it's hard to beleive.  In every other experience in my life, things that went bad got better.  The process started at the bottom and improved as time went by.  This defies that course so it makes me question myself and my sanity.  Thier death was catastrophic!  How could it get any worse?  But this loss is unlike any other.  It's not a toothache a professional can fix, it's not a fight you kiss and make up from, it's not a dented fender bender that a new bumper will replace.  Every time we turn around there is another ripple.  Since we don't understand the first one, how do we navigate all the aftershocks?  I, too, have felt I've aged dramatically.  My body has betrayed me from the stress.  The loneliness has compromised my rational thinking.  And to top it off, no one gets it that is in my life.  They are the ones with the charts wondering when I will fit some mystical pattern that doesn't exist.  I give myself permission too, but when one has no experience to compare it to, it's hard knowing if it is right or wrong.  And it's neither.  It just is.  I wish I could get lost in something beside this.  I did for awhile, but it's not working anymore.  When I'm out I want to go home, when I am home I want to escape the memories around me.  So I fit nowhere right now.  That takes a huge toll.  I wonder too about the next level.  I keep being told to hang in there because this will change.  I so desperately want to look back and see it has.  It won't be perfect but it has to be better than this, right?  If not, I don't even want to think about how I'll survive it.

[mittam99]

Gwen that was a very eloquent post. There's no way to sugar coat this life after the death of our beloved. It's a stark reality that we are facing. Most likely the best years of our life are behind us. Nothing moving forward will ever match what we had before. Our past was much better than our present, no doubt. Sounds bleak, I know.

But you know what? The reason things feel so bleak now is that we had a life of love that few have ever known. We had someone we shared our life with that lifted us up to places only a few have been to. That's what I will always cherish. That's what keeps me somewhat sane. I know it's not the same as them being here. The reality is, sadly, they can't be here as we knew them in life anymore. 

But, Tammy and my life with her will always be etched on my soul and no one can take that joy from me. It's the only thing that keeps me standing tall and not curled up in the fetal position in bed.

[Gwenivere]

That fetal position sounds good right now, Mitch.  I've never allowed myself that indulgence fearing I might never get out of it.  Kind like people afraid to cry because they think it won't end.  But it does.  Darned thing just keeps coming back!

[Gin]

Gwen,

This  life is so hard and many times seems pointless.  The car breaks, plumbing problems and today I lost the bank statement for last month.  Bank said it would cost $5 to get another.  Why didn't I just pay it?  Looked all afternoon and no luck.  Called bank and same girl decided they would give me a pass and print it for me.  So, back again to get it.  Trying to finish Al's trust and she gave me all these things I have to do.  I dread income tax time.  I always do my tax, but I never dealt with these forms she is talking about.  I think this is the year I have it done.  I am tired today and it is so hot and humid.  Tomorrow I should find out if my hemaglobin went up.  

I went to a counsellor last week.  She wants me to get involved in some group and make friends.  I do not feel like it and it is a lot of work to establish friendships. 

Gin

[brat#2]

Gin, it is so hard to establish new friendships especially when you really don't want to.  Today my doctor asked me about joining some senior groups too and I told I'm just not ready.  We will be ready when we are ready and don't push me to go out in the world anymore than I want too.  Hope your tests show what you want them too.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

What a cast of characters!

Mitch, I am actually sugar coating them.  My friends want me to write a book.  Life is stranger than fiction.  They sometimes make me want to go find a hole and crawl in it, (not a grave, a cave without snakes, spiders, mountain lions, possums, skunks, raccoons, but wait, if I had all them I would not miss my family, would I.  So, I will stay in my apartment.

[kayc]

Gin, I was going to suggest you go on line and print your bank statement for free, so I'm glad she came through for you after all.  I'm sorry it's everything at once.  You won't have a hard time making friends, if you meet them, they'll like you!

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

This  life is so hard and many times seems pointless.  The car breaks, plumbing problems and today I lost the bank statement for last month...

You're absolutely right Gin, there are times this life does seem pointless. Eating alone, watching TV alone, no one to share with or talk to. Sort of feels more like a prison sentence than a real, fulfilling life. Life isn't easy and honestly it wasn't always easy for most of us when our beloved spouses were alive. Things broke, the bills had to be paid, health issues arose etc... , life has always had it's stresses. The difference back then was we had each other. A few words or a hug made everything right in the world.

Nowadays, it's hard to find comfort in anything. Joy is a word that doesn't exist in our vocabulary. But we go on living and trying. What other choice do we have?

 

[Gin]

Kay,

Making  friends is not that easy.  I am not that outgoing,  so it is hard.  I have a few good friends, but getting new ones is another story.

Mitch,

Yes it is so hard to eat alone, and everything else alone.  Al was quite sick for a long time, but we thought we were handling it well.  He never, ever complained, so maybe I was lulled into thinking he would be OK.  You are right...we have no other choice.

Gin

[Margm]

3 hours ago, brat#2 said:

Fighting over what to do is not what you need right now. 

Nope, don't want it, don't need it, and I have written my smart a$$ replies to both of them.  My daughter is blowing up FB with it.  But, I hear the voice of Billy telling me not to get involved. So, I delete everything and neither my sister or my daughter are calling me to fuss about the other. I will let them duke it out.  No one bothered me with Billy's final things.  If they tried I did not hear them.  I did what I wanted to.  My daughter had the balloon celebration for his birthday and jumped off the bridge into the bayou.  When it all comes down to it, Billy's final things were mine to do and either no one bothered me because they were scared of me or maybe they honored our plans.  In this case, nothing was planned, just like with Billy but lots of people want to come see a box put into a hole.  Myself.  I will watch it and then I will walk away and go look for my great grandparents grave.  Personally, I think we should have hired a bunch of women in black dresses to come and professionally mourn.  I am sorry, I hate funerals.  We each have our way of doing things.  Funerals are for the living.  I don't want one and I hope they honor my wishes.  And I know a lot of you wish to honor your loved one with a beautiful service, and for you that is special.  I appreciate that.  It is just not my way.  

My English teacher sister told me she wanted to rewrite Billy's obit, which I would not let her do.  Billy would have liked mine.  Maybe not every comma was in the right place, but he would have liked it.    

[kayc]

Marg,

Sometimes family is so complicated...I didn't even know if I'd attend my mom's funeral until right up to it...my brother planned it all, didn't include any of our input, all pictures on the slide show were HIS family, none of ours (there's six of us, half of us had kids).  It felt kind of weird, like he was the only one that mattered...I guess he was because she left everything to him.  Oh well, I was there for her all my life, that has to count for something, but maybe only in horseshoes and hand grenades.

I like your idea about hiring professional mourners.  I get you!  My family is just as convoluted.  At least I have my sisters, we've been there for each other all our lives.

My consolation was that my mom was out of her suffering, both physical, mental, you name it.  Her next life has to be better!  And I look forward to getting to know her as she was meant to be, not the mom that was so plagued with troubles.

FB...isn't it a joke sometimes?!  "I unfriend you!"    Good grief!  You're in my thoughts & prayers...

[kayc]

Mitch,

Thanks for the "hug", I needed that today!

[Margm]

28 minutes ago, kayc said:

FB...isn't it a joke sometimes?!

I used to get on it and write stories about my distant family.  They loved hearing about grandfathers, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, reunions, etc.  I just put all my feelings into this forum now.  I did write something today and my aunt wanted me to write a book.  I should have told her to come look at the forum, I write a book every day.  

I thought maybe we could get through this since I signed everything over to my sister and no one would be saying "I want that."  She wanted to write the obit.  I sure didn't.  She did great and let Kelli put pictures so Kelli had her part too.  Scott is like me, we do good in the background.  

[mittam99]

Marg, you certainly have a way with words.

We have so many members here that write rather well and truly speak from the heart.

It's a great group brought together (sadly) by our personal tragedies.

[Gwenivere]

I'm trying to figure out the need people feel to tell us to make new friends.  I hear it a lot too.  Is there a store we can get them from because from my experience it pretty much just happens.  Getting involved in groups raises the odds, but as many have said, who has the energy and desire?  Plus friendships take work.  I never know how I will feel day to day so am unreliable for plans.  I volunteer several times a week and consider some people 'friends', but we don't hang out outside of the nursing home.  It's a time I can get outside myself for a bit and leave when I want.  I see one woman on the weekend for about an hour so our dogs can play.  I know people with a bevy of friends yet for us, we would still come home alone.  Tch friend that mattered most is gone.  Even if Amazon had ones to order, they wouldn't fill that void.  Plus the boxes would be really big!  . Also in his state of grief, I have a lot of baggage not really conducive for fun times.

[kayc]

36 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 Even if Amazon had ones to order, they wouldn't fill that void.  Plus the boxes would be really big!  .

We'd have to have Amazon Prime, for sure!

It does take a lot of work to make new friends, and most of us are just so exhausted doing what we have to do and don't have it in us to expend that kind of effort.  

 

[KarenK]

What a stellar idea! Why don't we just "buy" loyal friends. Oh wait, there's a place for that already. It's called the Humane Society or your favorite shelter. Those friends never let you down.

[Froggie4635]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/courtney-fitzgerald/you-went-to-a-funeral-and-then-you-went-home_b_5412138.html

This article is so wonderful.  

[Margm]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I'm trying to figure out the need people feel to tell us to make new friends.

For certain, making new friends is not that important.  Gwen, you volunteer, that is a good thing to do.  It is not my thing to do.  Making new friends does not interest me.  Having a dog or cat does not interest me.  What does interest me?  I don't know.  Do not know if I ever will know.  But, it is important to "do your own thing."  Whatever your thing is, do it if you want to, if you don't then it is your business and no one else's.  Sometimes people want to help.  If you don't want help, I find the hint is taken very easily.   Making new friends, renewing old friendships is not a mandatory step in grieving.   

One time one of our members said "one size does not fit all."  That makes "making new friends" part of that "One Size" category.  

I have to go find a Michael's.  I need a family spray for the new grave.  Mama hated crowds of people.  In fact, if she had too many people around her she went into her "Syble mode" of either fainting or having a panic attack.  Family is embroiled in a "do I come to the funeral or not."  Can my friends come or not.  We were just going to keep it family only coming to the graveside.  The marker/monument has been in place for over 30 years.  Now some people have their feelings hurt because they were not invited.  This is all beyond me.  No one bothered me with Billy's and my plans, thank goodness. Your feelings are hurt because you were not invited to a funeral?  Jeeze, where were you in her final days of life?  

My grandmother said "do not put silk flowers on my grave."  Well folks, I am tired of death and dying.  I am going to find a silk flower family spray for Mama's grave.  Real flowers die.  This Louisiana heat and humidity take care of real flowers fast.  

Life goes on.  People have to be fed.  Metaphorically, if you put one foot in front of the other, at my age, you are going to fall down.  If you want to straddle that imaginary line then do it.  Clothes have to be washed.  Dishes have to be washed.  Even if you live alone.  My  granddaughter lives with me in fear she might have to go live with her mother.  Her mother resents her for wanting to stay with me.  She resents me.  She talks about me to her daughter, my granddaughter.  I hear Billy telling me not to engage the tiger.  I used to not listen to him.  I listen now.  My daughter resents me for having her daughter, but she does not resent me enough to not ask me to sign for the new car she has to have.  She will pay for it.  So will I, lots of resentment.  My son is just the opposite.  Life repeats itself.  
 

[mittam99]

Not to go too off subject here Marg, but... maybe you need to cut ties with your daughter? If her own daughter lives in fear of her and she treats you like crap, and she makes your life a living hell, it may be for the best. Legally, I don't know what's involved but she sounds like a very disturbed and mean spirited person. You need a sense of calm in your life to help you heal, not this daily drama.

My apologies if anything I said was out of line.

[kayc]

Maryann,

thank you for sharing that...I shared it on FB as so many of my friends are in new grief.

Marg,

Maybe you should tell them just that!  

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Your feelings are hurt because you were not invited to a funeral?  Jeeze, where were you in her final days of life?  

You don't have time to worry about other people's feelings, YOU are the one living this!

Marg, you have a keen ability to sift right through people's hypocrisy and cut to the chase, whether it's family or others.  I admire that and your ability to tell it like it is.  I tend to be that way and it doesn't earn brownie points with people...oh well!  I have my integrity and honesty, they can like me...or not.  And silk flowers make sense to me!