Bubbling right beneath the surface...

[mittam99]

Like I said in the original post here, our pain is always just beneath the surface and waiting for another trigger to set it off. A woman approached me today with this line... "Hey handsome". I gave her a little smile and then she said "Are you married?". And so it began.

I told her my wife had died and that I still feel married and always will. She then says "Oh, you sure are a romantic". To which I replied "I don't know about that I just know I loved my wife with all I've got". Then she threw out a few classic grief cliches and by the time she left I could feel the tears welling up. Though at work, I  have to keep it together. "You need to be with someone", "time heals all wounds". Hearing these things over and over gets old.

I know people mean well. I guess it's a compliment because they consider me a good guy and that some woman would be "lucky" to be with me. The thing they just don't understand is that I had that special woman. The woman the made my heart smile and beat a little faster.  The one who I looked forward to growing old and gray with. Tammy was and is my one and only soul mate.

People must think I can open a Sears catalog and go to page 343 and order a new (and perfect for me) bride. Even if that was the case, I'm not looking for a "Tammy replacement". No one could ever fill her shoes or make me feel the way she could or love me like she did.

 

[Margm]

48 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

People must think I can open a Sears catalog and go to page 343 and order a new (and perfect for me) bride.

I think some people are basically trying to help.  There used to be an old saying when you would break up with a guy, or girl, that the only way to get over an old love was a new love.  I think sometimes people who have not faced the death of a mate still live on that old idea.  They don't understand, they mean well.  We hope they don't have to understand because the first thing that will come to their minds is "I cannot believe I said that to Mitch, it was so lame."  I have already had things I remember saying slap me in the face.  Thank goodness for the forgiving people who see what crass remarks they once made.  So just thank them and look at them with sad eyes that say "where I am is where you will be one day."  They talk because they just do not understand.  If they go first, they do not have to understand.  

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hi Mitch,

You said, "I know people mean well. I guess it's a compliment because they consider me a good guy and that some woman would be "lucky" to be with me. The thing they just don't understand is that I had that special woman. The woman the made my heart smile and beat a little faster.  The one who I looked forward to growing old and gray with. Tammy was and is my one and only soul mate".  

Many people also don't understand that the 'attractive' part of you was created by being married to Tammy.  Your love and respect for each other made you who you are and what you are.  Take their comments with the knowledge that they really are complimenting your life with Tammy.

 

[Gin]

Mitch,Your reference to Sears reminded me of the little boy next door.  This was a long time ago.  Little Danny was about 6 at the time. His father recently died.  He was sitting outside with a Sears catalog.  "What are you looking for", I asked him.  His reply?  "A new daddy".   He meant it.

 

[mittam99]

I don't get mad in any way when people suggest things to me. I'm actually pretty tolerant of that. I understand they mean well, that they like me. It's just that, like today, it's so painfully agonizing and somewhat traumatic to have to explain to people that Tammy died. Like I told that woman when she asked if I was married... "I still feel married and always will".

[Gwenivere]

A guy where I volunteer has asked me out several times.  I dread seeing him when I go there.  This is going to come down to a confrontation to end it.  I don't find it flattering in the least because I am in mourning.  I've always declined so now it is getting annoying and makes me think of How I am still in love with my husband and wake every day to the knowledge I will never see him again in this life.  The thought of socializing in that manner is as far off my radar as another galaxy.  I also don't like being perceived as a challenge.  As the old saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea for guys like him.  Just leave me alone as i have nothing to give nor want from another man.  Also, those things happen with chemistry and I certainly don't feel that about anyone now.  Only when I see pictures of Steve which is hard enough to live with.  The closest I can get is touching a piece of paper.  

[Gin]

Mitch,

I am a lot older (77) and I feel the same way.  A am still married to Al and always will be.

[mittam99]

Gin, I hear you but it's not an age thing, it's love. I love Tammy with all my heart and that love won't just disappear because she's left this earth. And I know you feel the same with your Al. That love that made us so happy will be inside us forever.

------------------------------------

Gwen, it doesn't need to be a real confrontation with the guy, just tell him in no uncertain terms that it's simply something you don't want  (or need) and it will NEVER happen. He should get the message.

[Gin]

Went to see my counsellor today and she asked me what gives me joy.  I told her that since Al died...nothing.  I told her that I was very responsible and did what needed to be done, but there is no happiness anymore.  I truly do not see it happening.  I have put a lot of activity in my day...health club, book club, etc.. Still have to come home to an empty house and no one to share things with.  This is my second visit to her.  I took her a picture of us so she at least knows what he looked like.  Not sure if I am going back.

[Gwenivere]

Mitch, this will be a confrontation.  There are some people that require that and he is one.  It should have sufficient when I turned down 3 invites.  I also cannot keep allowing him to take what little enjoyment I get from an activity that gives me some santity.  Plus, I'll admit I am looking for a target for my anger and resentment at life for taking Steve and this guy set himself up with a bright red target. Maybe it is a small gift from the universe.  Lord knows it owes me one. 

[brat#2]

Gin - that must of been the question of the day for counselors today.  I went to my counselor and she asked me the same question and I gave her the answer you gave.  I do what I have to and don't have a desire to do anything else because nothing gives me joy or peace right now.  I think I will give her one more chance, we did actually talk today, so who knows. 

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

At a certain point I realized counseling wasn't for me... maybe it was just my counselor. I basically was paying for the sessions and essentially all she was saying was "you shouldn't stay cooped up... you need to have a social life".

What's helped much more has been interacting with members at this forum. We get more understanding here than anywhere else in our lives. I'm so very grateful this place is here for us.

[brat#2]

Mitch, I'm coming to that conclusion too.  My counselor is the only one I have access too and it's just not doing anything for me.  This forum is helping me much more.  At least here, I know I can touch base with others who are feeling the things that I feel and gives me encouragement and comfort.  

Joyce

 

[Gin]

I agree.  I am so thankful for everyone here.  I feel I know everyone personally.   I know most of the names of all the loved ones and the circumstances of their deaths.  So, stay here and keep posting.  When someone leaves (Brad), we miss them.

Gin

[KarenK]

I remember so well coming here two years ago after my baby had died. So many of you saved my life as I lay crying in the hospital, alone, frightened and far from home and my son with that cruddy pneumonia. You and one very special nurse kept me sane.

Thank you, my friends.

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

My counselor talked to me about moving on...that in the first month!  He gave me a book to read and it opened with taking the wedding band off.  He couldn't understand why that brought me to tears!  I think we need better counselors in this town.

[KATPILOT]

Are you certain he was a counselor Kay? Or perhaps he just played one on TV. I'll be scratching my head over this one for some time to come.

I'm glad that never happened to me so I can still say I have never been charged with assault.

[Patty65]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

My counselor talked to me about moving on...that in the first month!  He gave me a book to read and it opened with taking the wedding band off.  He couldn't understand why that brought me to tears!  I think we need better counselors in this town.

What?????  That's crazy!!  Yes, you definitely don't need that one!

I'm not only wearing mine, with scotch tape around it to keep it on since I've lost so much weight, and then I had Ron's resized to fit behind mine.  So I'm wearing more wedding bands, not less!

I actually came here to talk about "embracing my angry" -- that was a good start  

My normal temperament is quite the opposite of angry.  The psychic (who was off about 80% and scarily correct in ways she could not have guessed aout 20%) told me that I had to let go of my anger.  I told my therapist that I wanted to tell her -- OK, as soon as I find it!  I have not done angry well or at all for most of my life.  Now I am not recognizing myself.  But I've decided to embrace it, hopefully constructively.

Fire Protection people came in to the shop and "failed" us saying the hood duct wasn't clean enough, and the stove was 2 inches not under the hood, then walked away, did not talk to me, and charged me an arm and a leg.  So he's gonna charge me to fail me (and this a voluntary service) and not offer a solution?  I don't THINK so!  They got a good piece of my mind this morning.

Then the accountant who came in to talk about us hiring him to get our taxes caught up for the business, I'm sure it was not fun for him to hear my defensiveness -- I had to defend all the things we did -- and especially Ron did -- he got an earful... then there's the employees that I'm so frank with, and the bank and, and, and... OMG I have no tolerence at all.

So, I'm figuring this is the anger part of grief popping up, and I'm just trying to direct it constructively.  Witnesses to my bursts tell me with wide eyes "you go, girl!" and I'm like, "Damn right!"  Yikes!

But I am not angry at Ron, not angry at life, not angry at god... not even angry at the situation.  I've just got this incredibly low tolerance for incompetent behavior and actions around me -- or unjust behaviour or actions.  Does that make any sense in this grief world?  Is it misdirected?  I just don't know.

And then there's all this really, really weird sensory things that are happening that are SO REAL but they are not.  Especially visually and with sound.  The back yard has LITERALLY (what seems empirically) sounded deafening.  Two nights ago, I SWEAR I heard a woman running down the street and then run over.  I hear phones and buzzers and go look for the source to find none.  I'm seeing things.  I so feel like I'm going crazy.

My therapist tells me it all has meaning that my subconscious is trying to work out.  Gosh I'm starting to not recognize myself.

Patty

[kayc]

Patty,

I remember reading an article (I think Marty posted it) about anger..and what struck me about it was it was embracing anger not discrediting it.  Anger can be a positive thing. Anger can be the impetus for change and fuel our accomplishment.  I have no answers to address what you wrote...subconscious trying to work it out...that's all beyond me!

[Margm]

Moved to another category (by me)

[Gwenivere]

Patty, I was never an angry person either and that has really changed.  I understand not recognizing yourself.  I even apologize to people while I'm taking them down a peg or two.  But it comes out and has to go somewhere.  Often it is just life stuff and I know the source of mine is coming from my feelings about Steve leaving me, the disease, the doctors, the whole mess that created this.  Even anger at myself for not being stronger.  What a joke that one is.  So I don't know much about this side of me.  I just know it exists now and I have to let it out.  Don't know if it will stay forever or not.  But its darned real right now.  I do have to say it makes me feel less of a victim at times.  Crying only was getting old.  Not that that is going anywhere soon.

[MartyT]

Patty, my dear, I think there is such a thing as justified anger, and given the Herculean effort you're putting forth to keep a business going, in the face of the grief you're experiencing at the loss of your beloved Ron, I think there is reason enough for you to feel less than tolerant of matters that must seem trivial to you in the overall scheme of things! As you say,

2 hours ago, Patty65 said:

Witnesses to my bursts tell me with wide eyes "you go, girl!" and I'm like, "Damn right!"

Kay, I'm not sure which article you're thinking of , but lots of articles exploring anger in grief are listed at the base of these posts:

Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?

In Grief: Acknowledging Jealousy and Anger

[kayc]

Thank you for that list, Marty, but none of those were the one.  This one talked about the GOOD of anger, it helped me see it in a different light.  I wish I could find it again, if I do, I'll post it.  (**Listening to My Anger link doesn't work, website expired.)  "Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief" is a good one.

Here's another good one:  Anger: A Bridge Across the Abyss.  http://thegrievingheart.info/anger.html

Gwen, you are dealing with so much more than "just grief", as if that wouldn't be more than enough in itself.  You have the additional trauma of your health situation to deal with, and combined with your grief, it can feel overwhelming and paralyzing.  Just getting through the day can be a major feat.

[MartyT]

Was it this one, Kay? 4 Reasons Why You Should Embrace Your Anger