Bubbling right beneath the surface...

[mittam99]

Maybe it's just me but I never felt any real intense anger after Tammy's death. I mean, I had a certain amount of anger towards the medical profession and feel to an extent they failed Tammy, but those feelings had been inside me for a long time. Long before Tammy died. When Tammy died, I was just so numb and so lost. My whole world revolved around missing her and trying to make sense of how this beautiful and vivacious young woman could be taken from me. She was so young!!!

I've never once even remotely cried out "Tammy, I'm so mad at you, why did you leave me alone!!", or anything of that nature. In my mind I'm 100% sure she didn't want to die. She didn't want to part with me. She never stopped loving me. Anger is just something I can't direct at Tammy. In effect, she was an innocent bystander in her death. I know in the old days, anger was considered a "stage" of grief but I don't think that is truly some sort of given. Even when I've cried out to God and asked "Why?", it wasn't in anger, it was just me trying to make sense of it all while tears streamed down my face.

Everyone's grief journey is their own. There's no right way to grieve. No right or wrong pattern to it. I don't believe there are a definite amount of "stages" or a certain order you need to follow. It just happens and all you can do is deal with it in the moment. And that's how I've dealt it.

Mitch

[Gin]

Mitch,

I was never angry at Al.  I must admit I was angry at some of the doctors, rightly or wrongly.  I felt they let him down.  Then because I did not switch doctors, I was a angry at ME!  Al did not want to leave me.  One of the last things he said to me was, "It's so hard to say goodbye."   It sure  is.

[Margm]

You and me
We sweat and strain
Body all aching
And wracked with pain
Tote that barge
Lift that bale
Get a little drunk
And you land in jail
I gets weary
Sick of trying
I'm tired of living
Feared of dying

And now I am gonna be going over "Ole Man River" in my mind over and over.  

I get angry at everything some time or the other.  Bless his heart, Billy tried to keep me from fighting back for years.  He is the one who taught me to fight back.  I used to be a meek little woman that scared easily.  I looked for a therapist today.  We have lots of them.  I probably just need to get back in church.  Personally, I don't know what I need, but whatever it is I want it to be what I want to do when I want to do it.

 

[kayc]

I read that one, I'm not sure, but it was a good one.  There are so many good articles on anger!

[Patty65]

Just need a place to vent more about this anger and this injustice... and even picking a fight... oh a hard day.

Two incidents today.

This afternoon, I'm in the back office, where I am liking staying after my morning baking-alone time, and my young Chef yells, "Patty, Call the Police, Alex won't leave!"  I go running.  There's a 20-something kid who lives behind the shop, behind a gate, where there are two apartments and a house.  There are quasi-assigned parking spots.  He has his.  He's a druggie - small, thin, pale, dark circles under his eyes - scary looking but not all that threatening in size. After bugging the landlord for months about a leak in my office, and with a big hurricane coming, a roofer came over to fix it, and parked in his spot. By the time I got out front, he was leaving.  Shortly after, I was standing outside, and he came out and was walking by.  I picked what I knew would be a battle.  I said, "Alex, that was a roofer the landlord called that was in your spot".  He flew off the handle and I knew he would. He started yelling.  I was loud back -- but "calm and firm"  IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, ASK FOR ME - DON'T COME IN MY STORE YELLING IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS AT MY STAFF.  I kept it up as long as the kid did, until the young chef stepped in and told him not to talk disrespectfully to a woman.  Any of this SO wouldn't have happened if Ron was around.  But I knew it would happen, and I chose it.  I didn't have to, the druggie kid is moving out anyway.

The second one -- I teach enough credit hours at the local college to get health insurance, and some money this year so my daughter can finish her last year of college.  It's the only way to make it happen.  Hopefully the shop can pay me soon. Over the summer, I typically don't have health care unless I pay Cobra, which I never do because it is expensive when I'm out of a job with no teaching in the summer. But this year they offered me a contract of guaranteed credits, and taking the cost of insurance down a small notch. It basically is a "leave without pay" situation.  But, I got the letter at the beginning of the summer stating what I needed to pay to keep health insurance and I never paid it.  Nor did I send in the paper saying I didn't want coverage over the summer - because I lost the paper.  I got no further notices or bills, and like every other summer, I would just resign up for health insurance for September.

I went to do that yesterday, and I was told that I had to come up with $800 by next week because I did not sign the form saying I did not want summer coverage, or I cannot get insurance until the next enrollment period NEXT JULY.  Nobody ever told me that health care open enrollment switched if you have a contract.  It's all Union crap, I called my Union rep who totally supported the school (it's a State school). I also get back a letter from Kaiser saying that my insurance was canceled as of May 31, and I'll be responsible for any medical I used (which was 2 emails and 2 prescriptions).  So, they are going to make me pay the money, for coverage that they did not pay for, and POCKET the money!  Plus I will have the Kaiser bill, which was the only one I was expecting.

The Union Rep said it was administrations fault for not telling me the ramifications of the contract -- the contract itself did not.  He said he would talk to administration.  Administration called me today (they know the situation with Ron and what happened, its a small island) and offered me "a deal" of paying a cashier's check immediately for $400, and then the rest would come out of my next three paychecks.  THEN they would reinstate my health insurance.  I flipped out on the poor woman.  I told her it was ILLEGAL for the school to not offer health care for a full time employee -- that they could not "punish" me for missing the form signing by doing something ILLEGAL.  She kept saying it was in the booklet -- and I kept saying just because its in a booklet doesn't make it legal.  Then what I thought was righteous anger turned into tears and shaking voice and misery and anger all mixed together.  

But it's the government.  They are "the law".  They fricken make their own rules.  I don't want to pay it.  I SO don't want to pay it.  But I may just be hurting myself by not having health coverage when I need it.  I have an autoimmune thyroid condition, I'm fighting away diabetes, and I'm a kidney cancer survivor and need regular bloodwork and scans.  Right now, I care less about that and more about the fight of it.  The injustice of it, the wrongness of it.  The control and power they have.  Can you see the steam coming out of the top of my head???

There are incidents every day, and if there is not, I seem to seek them out.  I'm in the boundaries of justified battles, but I'm looking for them, it seems.  I swear whatever this is, it is not my old personality.  What our moms told us... "You get a little bit of honey goes a long way"... Man, am I out of honey.  I've never been like this in my life.  

Thank you so much if you made it this far in my diatribe.  Just needed a place to get it out.  I have no idea what is next, I'm thinking, contacting the Department of Labor.  If they turn me away though I'll really blow a gasket!  

Grumpy in Hawaii

 

[KATPILOT]

A few deep breaths?   When we have experienced a loss as great as ours Patty, we find there will be times when we will react like we never would have in our life.  I hope you have fewer days like that one. 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Patty. But I also understand that you have no one to fight for you but yourself. I think under similar circumstances any one of us would be reacting exactly the same way . . . 

[kayc]

Patty, my sister told me last month that I "relish conflict".  I said, "No, I don't.  I don't think anyone likes conflict.  I'm not afraid of it, but I don't relish it."  She said, "Yes, you do."  I wasn't going to argue with her so I let it go.  I think like Marty said, when we've lost our spouse we have no one to fight for us or with us.  It's up to us to stand up for ourselves or what is right.  And I always was a bit of a fighter for justice.  But contrary to my sister's opinion, I don't relish it, I just won't back away from something that I think needs righted.

I wish you well in your fight about the insurance.  I don't see how they can make you pay back insurance yet refuse coverage for that same period, they can't have it both ways.  Have you talked to the insurance commissioner?  What about your state representative?  We have Peter DeFazio and he is WONDERFUL about fighting for the people.  Also I'd try BOLI.  I'd keep trying everyone until I found the person with the clout to make a difference!  You see, my sister has me pegged right in that I'm not afraid of conflict, but by the same token I wouldn't use the word relish...I "relish" chocolate or a great cup of coffee!  I "relish" a beautiful view of nature!  Not conflict.

Good luck to you with it!

[mittam99]

One thing I've noticed that's changed in my personality since Tammy died is my lack of tolerance for "bull$hit". In the past, I think I would roll with it a bit but not anymore. I'm probably more impatient than I used to be as well. The day our loves died is the day our lives became something we never wanted; never imagined. It's hard enough just trying to function day to day and trying to make our life something beyond dark and dismal. Then you have to deal with other people's lack of understanding and "BS" and it's so frustrating and at times, so infuriating.

[mittam99]

I'm taking a week off from work. I was feeling pretty burnt out and hopefully, the week off will give me a sort of "refresh".  Yet, the week off means 24/7 of alone time. And that's one of the challenges of being widowed. Somehow making life "worth living"  without your special someone there by your side.

Being with Tammy made everything better for me. She made me feel like I mattered. Gave me love like no one ever had. It's so damn hard to go from living with that perfect person 24/7 to having absolutely no one in your life that cares. It really can do a number on your self image. You feel like you've gone from a VIP to a nothing.

Before, I had a purpose in life. I had a wife I adored (and who adored me) and a daughter to help raise. I felt complete. These days, I'm still trying to understand what my purpose is. Trying to find meaning even though life feels so empty now.

Grief... it's trying to find your way and making life bearable when you're living in a world that often feels unbearable. - Mitch

 

[kayc]

Mitch, I went through some of my hardest times when I lost my job, and I went through that three times after losing George.  A job can give you purpose, or at least someplace to go every day and it takes up a fair amount of your time, it distracts you from "thinking" unduly.  It leaves you tired and more able to sleep so that you deal with your grief more on weekends (or days off).  Retiring was quite an adjustment.  It's like work is a diversion and when you're on vacation or retire, it removes that diversion and you see all the more clearly just how alone you are, if you didn't realize it completely before.  I've learned it's up to us to create somewhat of a life for ourselves that we can tolerate and even enjoy somewhat.  It's not the same as when we had them, that's for sure...and never will be again.  I'm facing this holiday weekend that used to be my family's most special weekend of the year...we'd go camping with all our friends and the kids would go on bike-rides around the lake (20 miles) and we'd go on hikes and play games and eat and just enjoy our friends, all of them at once!  We did this as a tradition all of the years my kids were growing up until the divorce.  When I married George he knew Labor Day weekend was tough for me, missing all that, so we'd do something special together.  We'd go on a ride, have a picnic, go camping, spend time with friends.  Then he died and now my Labor Days are alone.  Others are with their families.  It's tough, it's like a back handed slap, a deep reminder of all I am missing.  I, for one, will be glad when it is over again for another year.  I will be spending the day working at the church, like any other day, trying to forget it's a holiday I am missing.
At least I have built some routines into my life that make it more palatable...helping out at the senior site twice a week is one of those, it really helps...they are so chatty and happy sounding.

[scba]

"to create somewhat of a life for ourselves that we can tolerate and even enjoy somewhat. "

I agree.....tolerate is a good word to describe this new life of ours.

"It's tough, it's like a back handed slap, a deep reminder of all I am missing.  I, for one, will be glad when it is over again for another year."

I feel this way to about holidays. 

 

 

 

[mittam99]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

A job can give you purpose, or at least someplace to go every day and it takes up a fair amount of your time, it distracts you from "thinking" unduly. 

Kay, for me, it's definitely a good distraction more than a real purpose. I mean, I've been working for 45 years and have had a couple different "careers". It's a necessary "evil" of sorts and it's always helped pay the bills. It certainly beats the alternative of being unemployed, but, it's not a fulfilling, life enriching experience. At least not in my world.

Having said that, I'm very grateful I have a job.

[Gwenivere]

Holidays are indeed hard now.  I try not to take them prrsonally as people around me are doing what I did when my life was complete.  The key word is try.  I was out front and a grandfather and his son walked by laughing and I knew I was different now.  I really don't know how to laugh anymore.  

I read an article about holidays and how we don't need to give them such tremendous meaning.  It was written tho for people that never felt a connection to them and had to tolerate all the hoopla of others.  When you have years of memories of those times, it can't be downsized to just another day.  You are going to wake up knowing it is yours, thier birthday, whichever or all holidays you had traditions, seeing things around you that were gifts from those times.  This year will be my 3rd without Steve for the whole slew.  First was so close to his death I felt numb and it was almost easy.  Last year tougher, but this year I am so aware because of so much time alone that I am really dreading them.  It feels like this is the first real test of experiencing them on my own.  This 2nd year took away any shield between me and the reality.  For some reason I never registered this was forever til this year.  Add in health problems and no back up and wow!  It's a real survival mode looking for reasons to keep trying.  Bystanders keep saying I have this life in front on me, fight for it.  So I try and think of what I am fighting for.  Knowing I will get old alone?  That everyday will be without someone who deeply cares?  Doctors tell me all these things I can do to live a longer, healthier life.  Nice idea but happy would be a true motivator.  I know that comes from us, but it's never factored in by those who just don't know how damned hard this is.

[brat#2]

8 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Holidays are indeed hard now.  I try not to take them prrsonally as people around me are doing what I did when my life was complete.  The key word is try.  I was out front and a grandfather and his son walked by laughing and I knew I was different now.  I really don't know how to laugh anymore.  

I read an article about holidays and how we don't need to give them such tremendous meaning.  It was written tho for people that never felt a connection to them and had to tolerate all the hoopla of others.  When you have years of memories of those times, it can't be downsized to just another day.  You are going to wake up knowing it is yours, thier birthday, whichever or all holidays you had traditions, seeing things around you that were gifts from those times.  This year will be my 3rd without Steve for the whole slew.  First was so close to his death I felt numb and it was almost easy.  Last year tougher, but this year I am so aware because of so much time alone that I am really dreading them.  It feels like this is the first real test of experiencing them on my own.  This 2nd year took away any shield between me and the reality.  For some reason I never registered this was forever til this year.  Add in health problems and no back up and wow!  It's a real survival mode looking for reasons to keep trying.  Bystanders keep saying I have this life in front on me, fight for it.  So I try and think of what I am fighting for.  Knowing I will get old alone?  That everyday will be without someone who deeply cares?  Doctors tell me all these things I can do to live a longer, healthier life.  Nice idea but happy would be a true motivator.  I know that comes from us, but it's never factored in by those who just don't know how damned hard this is.

Don't need to add anything, you said it all. 

Joyce

 

[WolfsKat]

On 9/4/2016 at 10:36 AM, kayc said:

 I've learned it's up to us to create somewhat of a life for ourselves that we can tolerate and even enjoy somewhat.  

Dear Kay.....I SO much agree with this statement!  While this is, indeed, a somewhat daunting (and, at times, seemingly impossible) task......WE are the only ones who can accomplish this.  Others may want to help, and mean well....but it's for us to find our way.....and how very hard this is, when all we want is any future that would have our lost one at our side!  I'm taking steps towards this....and although each step is wrenching.....I know I have to take action to cobble up a new existence...it is the only way I can see to having a life somewhat worth living, again!

[mittam99]

I loved reading your post, Kat. You're so right.

It's the only life we have, although it's not the life we chose. We need to make the best of it somehow. And that's the daunting part... trying to find a sense of satisfaction and ultimately, happiness.

I know I'm far from happy but I can say I'm in a different place than I was just a few months ago. I'll never stop missing Tammy. I'll never stop loving her. I'll never forget her in any way. But I also know that we're here, we're breathing and our beloved spouses would want us to find our way.

It takes a long time to accept the fact that we won't see them again in this life. But the hope is (you gotta have hope) we will meet again in a different place when the time comes. In my life, I know how lucky I was to have Tammy's love. And I know I meant everything to her. Now, I'm trying to move forward in my life and the only way I can do it is accepting the fact that Tammy would want me to find happiness. I know she would.

In practice though, it's very hard to find that elusive happiness. With Tammy in my life and by my side, I found bliss. Alone, it's difficult to even find those glimmers of satisfaction and hope for the possibility of a happy future.

At least, I'm trying. Yes, I have those days (like today) and sometimes weeks (like this week) where I just can't motivate myself. But, I do try to get back up, dust myself off and try again. 

Mitch

[Polly]

12 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

 

At least, I'm trying. Yes, I have those days (like today) and sometimes weeks (like this week) where I just can't motivate myself. But, I do try to get back up, dust myself off and try again. 

Mitch

Exactly! Today is a hard day for me. Not only is today 10 months but also a holiday. I don't usually get many holidays off but I am off today. I keep thinking how happy that would have made Rich. He hated that I worked weekends and most holidays. We didn't have many days that we were off together but when we did we enjoyed them so much.

I have been trying my best to go and do things but they just are not the same. I try not to upset myself about it but we all know how that goes. My daughter and I joined a gym recently. The other night when we were driving back home from there she said to me, "We never would have joined the gym if Rich was still here." And she is probably right. So I guess I am trying to move forward and find my way. It's just so hard sometimes though.

[kayc]

I am so proud of you guys.  I know it's not easy, yet you're trying, and that's all any of us can do.

Labor Day was the really fun time when I had a family.  I worked yesterday so I could be off today, even though I have no one to be with and nothing fun to do, I knew I wouldn't want to work (I'd  be feeling sorry for myself if I was, so today I'm just kind of fiddling, getting things done around here.  Making dogfood, hummingbird food, built my first fire of the season (why is it 100 or 40?  Is there no happy medium?).  I even slept eight hours straight, that was a godsend!  

[mittam99]

Kay, I can honestly say you are the only person I know that makes her own hummingbird food. You must have to use a really small bowl to mix that! 

[mittam99]

Eighteen months ago today,  I lost my one true love. Tammy was and always will be my inspiration. She was sweet and charming, brave and beautiful and she made every day of my life better. There's no doubt in my mind that we were the very definition of soul mates. Being alone and no longer able to touch her and hold her and share my life with her is (and always will be) so overwhelmingly hard.  It's not how life was supposed to be. But it happened, and I have no choice other than trying to live a life that has some purpose to it. I haven't found that yet, but slowly, I'm getting there, one step at a time.

Even though my life (at times) feels meaningless and the sorrow engulfs me, the life I had with Tammy will always be a part of me. And that's a very, very important thing, emotionally. Though the best part of my life may have been in the past who's to say that my life in the future won't include a measure of happiness? With Tammy's love inside me and my own perseverance, I think it will happen.

Here's a picture of Tammy (standing) with her younger sisters and mom and dad back in the day. Even in this old fuzzy pic you can see the way she just exuded charm.

Mitch

[brat#2]

48 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Eighteen months ago today,  I lost my one true love. Tammy was and always will be my inspiration.

I have no choice other than trying to live a life that has some purpose to it. I haven't found that yet, but slowly, I'm getting there, one step at a time.

Even though my life (at times) feels meaningless and the sorrow engulfs me, the life I had with Tammy will always be a part of me. And that's a very, very important thing, emotionally. Though the best part of my life may have been in the past who's to say that my life in the future won't include a measure of happiness? With Tammy's love inside me and my own perseverance, I think it will happen.

 

Mitch

Mitch, I know today is hard and you miss Tammy terribly.  Your in my thoughts and taking one step at a time is all we can do and we are doing it.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[WolfsKat]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Though the best part of my life may have been in the past who's to say that my life in the future won't include a measure of happiness? With Tammy's love inside me and my own perseverance, I think it will happen.

Dear Mitch......such a sad day for you......I think that we shall always mark these anniversaries.....I know I shall.  Hoping you can get through this day with at least as many happy remembrances of your amazing wife as the sorrowful ones.....you two shared an wonderful love story....and it will be continued!  I'm so happy to see your hope for happiness in the future...and your determination to try for it....it gives ME hope, as well....thank you, and wishing you comfort today!

[Widowedbysuicide]

I love it when Tammy's love shines through you in your comments.  

With all her love inside you can do anything.  All my best wishes for you today and always Mitch.

 

[Gin]

Mitch,

Thanks for sharing the picture.  Always like to see pics of our loved ones!    Peace to you today.

Gin